CLEVELAND – Despite repeated attempts, bookstore clerk and avid historian Brian Kemp has failed to coax several of his closest friends to join him in his quest to participate in a reenactment of the Iraq War.

“There was no way I was going to that thing,” explained friend Devin Young, “so I told him that even if I wanted to go, I didn’t have enough money to get camouflage pants at the Army- Navy store, and he just yelled at me that ‘you don’t go to war reenactments with the army surplus gear you want, you go to war reenactments with the army surplus gear you have.’”

Kemp then attempted to rally the friends around what they have always had in common. “I mean, we’re all huge fans of Hootie and the Blowfish – that’s kind of what our friendship is based on – and so we’ve followed the band around to various concerts across the country,” explained friend Phil Blanchard. “So he tried telling us that Darius Rucker was going to be there, but it didn’t make any fucking sense that Darius Rucker would be at an Iraq War reenactment.”

The friends admitted that they did initially believe Kemp when he produced a copy of a poster for the reenactment that included Rucker’s name and likeness. ”Turns out he made it in Photoshop,” said friend Ted Kirkland.

After being spurned by Kirkland, Young and Blanchard, Kemp moved on to others he thought might be more willing to participate. According to Young, “He told us he didn’t consider us friends anymore, and that he always knew he could count on the guys who worked at his bookstore, which is bullshit, ’cause he’s never hung out with them before.”

The friends later learned that Kemp had been ejected from the event after failing to abide by the agreed-upon rules.

“I mean it wasn’t even his event, and he totally confused everybody by mixing up the teams,” recalled Blanchard. “I think the host threw him out.”

When asked how they planned on expressing their displeasure with Kemp, the friends agreed that they would probably just bury the matter.

“I guess I’d we’d rather focus on making sure he’ll never try and pull anything like this again,” reasoned Kirkland, “but then again we said the same thing after the Vietnam War reenactment.”