Honestly, I know it might seem strange that I’ve been fantasizing about the voice on my Toyota Corolla’s in-car navigation system, but there’s just something about that voice of hers that really turns me on. I mean, Claire – that’s her name, you see – she just has this incredibly sexy British accent. It’s like a cross between Kate Middleton and Stephen Hawking. I’ve always had a weakness for bossy women, so when Claire spends an entire day ordering me around, it just drives me wild.

Now, I realize that most of you are probably thinking that I’ve only known her for a month or so, but I don’t think anyone can judge me until they’ve felt the sort of connection I’ve experienced with Claire. Sometimes, I feel that I could spend all day staring into her route map, and I know her so well, I can often tell what’s she’s going to say even before she says it. I can tell she’s into me too. Why else would she keep telling me to enter her roundabout?

Lately though, it’s gotten to the point that I can’t even concentrate at work. I spend all my time thinking about what I would do with Claire if we ever got a moment alone – away from my wife and kids. Oh sure, I would play it really slow with her. First I’d just caress her gently, browsing through her “Attractions” menu to get her excited. Then, when she’s all nice and turned on, I’d slide her out of that protective coat and slip my fingers in her auxiliary cable jack. From there, I’d let her talk dirty, telling me to “Continue On Route” as I go to town on her. Oh god, I go numb at the thought of that climax, the moment when she screams out in her wickedly sensual monotone, “Arriving At Destination.” The thought of that moment is enough to rile up any man.

I just hope Siri never finds out.

Originally published: September 2012