WHAT USED TO BE 858 EAST U. – After surveying the smoldering heap of what was once an average student house in a popular off-campus neighborhood, Ken Farewell of Fare-Great Management surmised, “It’s just a minor wiring issue. I’ll write up a work-order. Should be no big deal.”

The tenants of the house awoke in the middle of the night to find the entire first floor engulfed in a torrent of flames. The raging inferno – which Mr. Farewell refers to as “a small malfunction in the central-air system” – resulted when the basement furnace exploded and spread fire throughout the five-bedroom house. Fortunately, only three residents were home, and all were sleeping in upstairs rooms when the explosion occurred, giving them ample time to jump out of their windows to relative safety.

“The whole house was burning up, and there was smoke everywhere,” recounted Ross junior Colin Ashford. “I jumped out the window and broke my femur. I lost everything in the fire.”

Mr. Farewell was quick to remind all tenants that Fare-Great Management “is not responsible for the accidental damaging of any personal property” and “all tenants will be charged accordingly for breaking, misusing, or harming anything in the house.”

Once all tenants have returned from the I.C.U. and burn unit at University Hospital, Mr. Farewell plans on sitting them all down and having a “long chat” about being “responsible and consciousness” tenants. “They need to understand that they don’t own the house,” said the landlord. “They’re guests in a really quaint house. They have to hold up their end of bargain. It’s not like we left electrical wires attached with only Scotch tape in pools of standing water or stapled together essential gas lines.”

Fire Department authorities, in an official report, attributed the fire to poorly connected wires in areas of standing water and “the strangest gas lines we’ve ever seen.”

“I’ll try to get a maintenance man out here within the next week,” said Mr. Farewell as he returned his flashlight and tape measurer to his truck. “But frankly, this isn’t a high priority for us right now. The girls over on Tappan have a bat caught in a window screen.”

As the landlord drove away, he called back, “Don’t worry – I’ll just take this out of your security deposit.”