Landmark Residents Complain About Working-Class Smell Emanating from 7-Eleven
SOUTH U. – Adding to Landmark residents’ list of complaints about their promised aristocratic sanctuary amid a sea of riffraff, the addition of a 7-Eleven convenience store to the lobby of the high-rise apartment complex has reportedly polluted the building with the unpleasant odor of lower classes.
“I was so excited when I first heard they were opening a 7-Eleven,” said Landmark penthouse tenant Anna Shaddix. “I’d finally be able to partake in the quaint blue-collar pastime of drinking slushed ice mixed with high-fructose corn syrup, without ever having to brush shoulders with the cretins one normally finds at a common establishment.”
According to residents, the arrival of 7-Eleven brought more than just obscenely-sized fountain drinks and indefinitely-rolling hot dogs to the living space. Within days of the store’s opening, a putrid aroma permeated Landmark’s marble hallways. Building managers suspect the stench was brought in by the countless plebeians and street urchins that now flock to the 7-Eleven in hopes of getting a warm meal or cheap alcohol to dull the pain of their middle-class lives.
“It’s absolutely disgusting,” said Shaddix. “The whole building smells like Kohl’s and government-subsidized student loans. I can barely get from the sun deck to the sauna without gagging.”
“Why do we have to live like this? Why couldn’t they have just opened something harmless like a J. Crew?” she added, wiping tears from the corners of her eyes.
While a loosely-organized group of residents led by Shaddix has petitioned Landmark’s management to rectify their condemnable living conditions, others have found the silver lining in an otherwise dire situation.
“It’s so rustic and charming,” said resident Sarah Rothstein. “I mean, the peasants look so tiny from the sixth-floor treadmills. Getting to see them up close is just like going to a petting zoo, except when they make eye contact with you, you get this eerie feeling that deep down they actually understand you. Creepy, right?”
Originally published: December 2012