Lecture Hall Eavesdropper Totally Understands Lindsay’s Problems

ANGELL AUD. B, MIDDLE LEFT SIDE – According to sources familiar with the situation, LSA freshman Craig Willis has been subjected to such a massive amount of gossip by the girls who sit in front of him in his STATS 250 lecture that, if they would talk to him even just once, he could solve all of their seemingly-intractable dilemmas just as easily as he is sure to conquer the fill-in-the-blank section on the upcoming quiz.

“I just don’t understand what’s so difficult about this,” said Willis, referring to one of Lindsay’s recent troubles with her boyfriend. “He’s clearly taking advantage of her, but she just can’t see that. Neither can her friends.”

Returning his attention to the notes the professor was adding to the slides, Willis briefly added that Lindsay should definitely try to hook up with that guy Chad because he seemed like a really nice guy when she met him at the baseball house party. He was totally into her and she never even gave him a chance.

Willis then added, referring to his Stats notes, that Baseball Chad seemed like one of the nice guys that make up the right 0.3% in the bell curve of single men. ”See, right here. Chad is definitely three standard deviations outside of the mean— in a good way.

“And, you know, Lindsay doesn’t need this trouble right now,” added Willis, who never would have known Lindsay existed before this semester. “She’s got her hands full with that jealous bitch Sarah.”

“I think she knows Sarah from orientation,” whispered Willis, annotating a graph with his red pen. Despite not knowing what Sarah looks like, Willis thinks she might be the random girl who sometimes joins the girls in front. “She’s a trainwreck. I heard that she’s given head to four dudes this month,” said Willis.

At press time, Willis had verified the example data point was, indeed, an outlier. Also, he confirmed that Lindsay had just bought the absolute “fugliest” Christmas sweater for Thursday night’s party.

Originally published: December 2012

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