Local Church Marketing Campaign to Involve Even More Fucking Sidewalk Chalk

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Citing a desire to connect with a hip, young demographic, Ann Arbor’s Holy Life Church launched a new marketing campaign that will include “a continued and increased use of sidewalk chalk,” wrote the church in a press release.

Chalk will be distributed to student volunteers, who will write intentionally vague and confusing slogans on pavement and cement walls in high-traffic areas such as C.C. Little, the Diag and the lower part of Hill Campus. Slogans will include “I bet you didn’t,” “You are not alone” and “He knows what you did last summer.”

Additionally, work has begun on giant murals, which will feature images of Jesus Christ engaging in such tasks as mentoring innercity schoolchildren, jumping the Grand Canyon on a motorcycle and playing lead guitar in the rock band Van Halen.

The marketing campaign will seek to portray the church as a fresh alternative to traditional organized Christianity, which tends to drive young people away due to a decreased relevance in modern life, strict, unworkable social stances and a distinct lack of sidewalk chalk.

“This isn’t your parents’ church,” said Rev. Tim Thompson. “We want to let college students know that religion can be fun, fulfilling and chalky. Using more sidewalk chalk is the obvious way to communicate this.”

Other elements include more flexible worship hours, contemporary religious music and casual services, but “those are all secondary to the chalk,” said Rev. Thompson.

Holy Life initially had trouble amassing enough sidewalk chalk for the endeavor, but has since acquired a four-year exclusivity contract with Crayola’s chalk division, said Rev. Thompson.

“We thought people figured out how to get high off the stuff,” said an anonymous Crayola executive. “I mean, what other use could you possibly have for this much chalk?”

While most student reaction to the campaign have ranged from “meh” to “whatever,” some groups have requested that the university cap sidewalk chalk usage at somewhere around 6 pounds per week.

Rev. Thompson acknowledged the concerns, saying “we understand that there’s a fine line between free-speech and vandalism. We want to get as close to that line as possible without crossing it.”

When asked his opinion on the matter, God said, “I mean it’s okay I guess, but I’ll probably just make it rain once it starts pissing Me off.”

Originally published Oct 2013.

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