Miami Marlins Trade City of Miami to Blue Jays

MIAMI, Ontario – According to unconfirmed reports from ESPN’s Buster Olney, the team formerly known as the Miami Marlins has traded Miami to the Toronto Blue Jays. In exchange, the Marlins will receive infielder Adeiny Hechavarria and a municipality to be named later, league sources say, pending the approval of the Commissioner.

The controversial deal comes on the heels of the team’s much-criticized fire sale of all its top players to the Toronto Blue Jays for several prospects, an agreement to go easy on the Marlins in interleague games, and a pocketful of lint and assorted change. In particular, residents of Miami are incensed that the team has basically given up on competing in the current decade. This development comes just one year after the opening of the Marlins’ brand-new stadium, which was financed largely with taxpayer dollars. That stadium, pending a physical inspection, will soon become the property of the Toronto Blue Jays, along with the other 55.27 square miles that make up the city of Miami proper.

“Way back in August, we had decided that 2013 was going to be a rebuilding year,” said Marlins president of baseball operations Larry Beinfest. “I didn’t imagine that that would mean we’d literally have to rebuild an entire city for us to play in, but hey, we’re excited about our chances to win the N.L. East at least once in the next twenty years or so. So what if it will probably happen during some sort of fluky strike-shortened season?”

At press time, the team was in advanced talks with Commissioner Bud Selig to see if they could just change their name back to the Florida Marlins, continue their historic streak of lowest payroll, attendance record, and win total in the league, and hope no one would notice anything had changed.

Originally Published: December 2012

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