Milton Bradley Recalls New “Settlers of Canaan”
MILTON BRADLEY HQ – Following an ill-advised effort to combine one of the world’s most popular pastimes with its favorite interminable conflict, the Milton Bradley Company announced a recall of its new “Settlers of Canaan” board game. “I’m really surprised that the American consumer just can’t take a joke,” said Milton Bradley CEO Alan Garrett. “Well, excuse me for trying to make a buck off a popular conflict while ripping off ‘Settlers of Catan.’ I mean, we’ve been making fun of bankruptcy and foreclosure for years with ‘Monopoly,’ but you don’t ever hear anyone complaining about that, do you?”
Garrett’s new game takes place in the Gaza Strip, rather than on the bucolic island of the original “Catan.” Each player represents a different side in the millennia-long conflict: the Israeli Infidels, the Palestinian Authority, Hamas, or the United States. New rules were included with the instructions in an effort to make the game as realistic as possible. For example, the Israelis and Hamas were only allowed to trade items with each other if the goods first underwent lengthy border checks for bombs and hidden militants. In addition, the P.A. and the Israelis can only trade if the U.S. is sitting in between them and is in a good mood.
Israelis automatically start out with five settlements on the board while the P.A. and Hamas only have one each. If the Hamas team feels slighted by an unfair trade, they are allowed to light one of the Israelis’ cards on fire, regardless of whether or not the Israelis had been involved in the deal. Under “End-Game Rules,” the instructions state that the game can only finish when peace is achieved between Israel, Hamas, and the Palestinian Authority, mediated by the United States on special “Camp David” turns. As of press time, no match has yet finished.
Anti-Defamation League President Abe Foxman issued his standard form letter to Milton Bradley, writing that this “statement/event/Charles Barkley comment/board game is offensive, anti-Semitic, and abhorrent to Jews everywhere.” Meanwhile, many Hamas supporters are outraged that the game even recognizes Israel’s right to exist as a small plastic token. “I’m so angry I could shoot rockets into civilian schools,” screamed Hamas spokesperson Abu Bazir.
“I guess some conflicts weren’t meant to be translated to the game board,” said an ashen Garrett. “But I can’t tell you how many people have just been dying to play this game.”