My Life is So Part-Time College!

By the Middle-Aged Mother in Your Psych 111 Lecture

Oh my Lord, Sarah, did I tell you about what I did last night? I got so wasted – we invented this drinking game where you have to take a sip of pinot grigio anytime anybody mentions an aspect of the Reagan years you liked the best. I must have drained an entire two glasses before passing out on my husband’s shoulder while we were watching reruns of The West Wing. My life is so college right now.

Not to mention, I didn’t even get the reading done for this class because I was got caught up reading the newest Janet Evanovich book and didn’t even think to do it! Ha, those are the sort of poor life choices that I’ll look back on in 20 years – when I’m 63 – and laugh at.

Think about it – these are our last few years of freedom before we enter the “real world.” (I can’t believe I’m even saying that – it sounds so scary to think about, I never want to leave this place!) There’s nothing I love more than freebasing beers or shotgunning doobies like the rest of you crazy kids, and it’s nuts to think that this independence is all going to come to an end soon – although my husband will be eligible for retirement in 10 years.

Oh, this is the life, right? Bonding with fellow students like yourself over late-night cram sessions, using all the dankity-dank new lingo, and complaining about boring professors, that’s us. (Although that Dr. Whitman? With his stunning greyish locks? Am I right?) It always reminds me that this life stage we’re all in, it’s so unique. I just love the fact that we can swap stories about our wild Friday nights, and you better believe that I won’t tell your mother the next time I see her at a Burns Park Elementary PTA meeting!

I mean, look at us Sarah, we’re like two peas in a pod. I know you’re friends think you’re a bit “promiscuous,” but look at me, I’ve brought a guy back to my room every single day this week! Sure, he may be my partner, soulmate, and father of my children, but when I think of the stuff we did last night, boy, I just don’t want to mention it before your young innocent ears.

And while we’re on the subject, I know you’re upset about that condom breaking, but have you ever thought about adoption? I mean, I’m actually trying to get pregnant, but this biological clock of mine isn’t ticking any more slowly. Point is, I’d take that unwanted bastard child growing in your womb in a heartbeat!

Isn’t college crazy?

Originally published: February 2013

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...