National Guard Dispatched to Most Dangerous Place in America: the Town from Murder, She Wrote

CABOT COVE, Maine — In an effort to end a vicious crime wave that has plagued the American northeast for decades, 20,000 reserve troops from the National Guard were deployed this week to Cabot Cove, Maine, the sleepy, nondescript town from CBS’s long-running mystery series Murder, She Wrote. According to entertainment journalists, the crime-ridden community was home to at least one daily murder every weeknight for the show’s duration.

Authorities were alerted to the crisis when hundreds of late-night 911 calls began pouring in over the last two months, during which time CBS began airing reruns of the classic whodunit.

One of the callers, retired autoworker Rodney Billington, deduced from analyzing protagonist Angela Lansbury’s case record on the show that the Cabot Cove’s annual murder rate has been nearly 400 murders per year over the past 12 years, which should have already completely decimated the town’s population of only 4000. “’I was stunned,’ said Billington, referring to the discovery. ‘That’s a lot of bodies.”

While the presence of National Guardsmen has undoubtedly interrupted everyday life, given that they outnumber Cabot Cove’s residents by more than five to one, many townspeople welcome their presence. “It’s nice to know we’ve finally got protection from all the murderous butlers, jealous ex-husbands, and scheming guest stars,” said long-time resident Phil Hammes. “I just wish the killing would stop. Our family’s even considered uprooting to somewhere like, wait, what’s the name of that town from Happy Days again?

When asked to comment on the recent turn of events and his feelings on a military presence in his small town, Cabot Cove’s Police Commissioner did not exist.

Originally Published: November 2012

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