New Drug Promises to Treat Parents’ Anxiety Over Children’s ADHD Medication
A consortium of the world’s leading drug companies announced Thursday that it plans to move ahead with trials for a medication designed to relieve parents’ mounting anxiety over giving their children ADHD medication. Upon finding that parents experience high levels of stress due to the fact that their children are ingesting large daily quantities of a Schedule III controlled substance, researchers began to develop the drug, tentatively called Ezdoesit, which could come to market as early as this fall.
“Parents these days are facing challenges like never before. The choice between giving a developing child a drug that is molecularly akin to speed – just so they can sit still for a second and get some fucking homework done – can be fraught with anxiety and unease,” said Dr. Jacob Steiber, a doctor who is unaffiliated with the trials but is a self-proclaimed expert on speed.
“The medical community hopes that Ezdoesit will allay parents’ unpleasant feelings effectively, so that they can stop hovering over their kids and cook some fucking dinner for once,” Steiber added.
“My son can barely get through a game of Angry Birds without spazzing out,” said concerned parent Jeff Forrest. “I want the best for him when he starts kindergarten next year, but I’m really concerned about the possible side effects of giving him this enormously powerful ADHD medication. If they had a drug that noticeably altered my attention span, that would be great.”
The lab producing the new drug, which is fully funded by Pfizer, promises that the solution to the nation’s drug-related anxiety is most certainly “more and better” drugs. The nation’s grandparents could not be reached for comment, however, as their Cialis prescriptions rendered them much too busy nursing a six-hour erection to comment.