Office of Student Disabilities to Begin Requiring Actual Disability for Extra Time on Finals
MASON HALL – Under pressure from the University administration, the Office of Student Disabilities has decided to alter the disability qualifications for receiving extra time on exams, as students seeking this extra time will now be required to actually have a disability.
OSD director Rick Knapp, expressed his opposition to the policy change last Tuesday. “We simply don’t have the resources to distinguish between the learning-impaired kids who really need the extra time and the effort-impaired kids who just want 30 extra minutes on all their exams,” he said.
Jack Berg, who was diagnosed with class-IV testing anxiety after describing how he “got nervous when [he] didn’t know some answers on an econ test,” is frantically searching for alternative disorders in order to maintain his time-and-a-half allowance on all exams. “I figure I can kill two birds with one stone with an ADD diagnosis,” said Berg. “I should be able to pay back the $2000 in diagnostic fees after a couple months of peddling Addies in Markley. And sometimes I find it hard to pay attention to lectures when they’re boring, so the diagnosis might not even be that much of a stretch.”
Paranoid schizophrenic Eli Schaps, on the other hand, is happy about the policy change, as this will ensure the curve for his classes will not be thrown off by a proliferation of extra time. “I always study hard for my exams but sometimes it doesn’t matter when the smart kids who tricked everyone to get extra time stare at me and copy all my answers I think they somehow make sure I would sit in this spot so my Scantron would be most visible to them come to think of it there was a straw on the floor right in front of the seat how did everyone know that I would sit in front of the straw?” said Schaps.
“Wait why are you writing this down?” he added.
The University administration is reportedly working with the Office of Student Disabilities to implement these new, more stringent standards.
“To the dismay of many Communications majors,” Knapp said, “we still do not recognize stupidity as an academic disability.”
Originally published: December 2012