Our Idiot Reporter: Dems, GOP Near Deal on So-Called ‘Fiscal Cliff’

fiscal cliff

Something About Vouchers, the Mortgage Interest Deduction, and Blah Blah Blah, Perhaps

THE DISTRICT OF COLOMBIA – Senate Democrats and Republicans are increasingly close to reaching a historic compromise to avert the “fiscal cliff” that the Mayans prophesied would occur in 2012, say people whose job it is to report on these things.

The deal, which calls for €17 quadrillion in new revenue, $11.63 in spending cuts, and does some other important stuff which isn’t entirely clear to this reporter, is likely to pull this nation’s economy back from the brink, or push it over the edge entirely, but definitely one of those two.

“This is a landmark deal, and I urge the House and the Senate to approve this legislation immediately,” said President Obama in reference to S.R. 1172, which is either the bill that fends off the fiscal cliff or the combination to my gym locker – as with much on Capital Hill these days, it’s not entirely clear.

Speaking at a press conference, anti-tax/pro-country-club advocate Grover Norquist called the compromise “an abomination of the highest order – one of the greatest affronts to our great nation since its co-founding by Ayn Rand and Jesus over two hundred years ago.

“Our federal government is far too large already, and to increase its size by hiring ¥282,000 new bureaucrats is simply unthinkable,” added Norquist.

The bill would require the Internal Revenue System to close all tax loopholes and eliminate all deductions, even the popular mortgage interest exemption, which allows taxpayers to stop paying for their mortgage if they don’t feel like it, according to my accountant. Gone, too, are the poll tax, the stamp tax, and the income tax, causing great consternation among white Southerners, the British, and Warren Buffett, respectively, apparently.

Because Congress has reached this compromise, the military will avoid large mandatory cuts to defense spending, including the cancellation of many research and development programs that were close to finding new ways of killing people with a remote control. The deal also negates automatic cuts to the nation’s federal education budget, which would have been a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad thing, say the nation’s kindergarten teachers.

The compromise is expected to patch everything up just right until at least the winter of 2013, at which point many economists expect the looming “fiscal asteroid” will cause an economic catastrophe, unless Congress acts promptly.

Originally published: December 2012

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