SANTA MONICA, Calif. – Beachbody LLC, producer of the popular workout videos Power 90 and Power 90 Extreme, has announced that it will release a new video series designed to enhance its customers’ social skills. The program, entitled Talking2GirlsX, will cater to the large number of P90X users whose adherence to a rigorous workout program has been unable to cure their malignant social awkwardness.

Explained P90X founder Tony Horton, “Here at Beachbody LLC, we realized that most of our customers believe that simply having a well-developed body is a quick ticket to the stain train. However, they still have trouble actually completing the necessary social interactions required to seal the deal. Here, take a look at this kid.”

At this point, Horton gestured to the customer testimonial of Adrian Cosari, an attractive muscular college student, who nevertheless had difficulty maintaining eye contact with the camera.

“Dear makers of P90X,” he stuttered. “I’m confused – I did all three phases of your workout plan, and I only subbed out Plyometrics for X Stretch like five times, but girls still won’t hop on my ‘D.’ If this is all because I used those gay bands instead of the pull-up bar, I want my money back.”

Horton explained that the new program will help customers like Cosari by building and toning their conversational skills through a demanding social workout. Talking2GirlsX offers five distinct programs, including “Asking About Her Family,” “Don’t Imagine Her Naked,” and – for more advanced clientele – “Avoiding the Cockblock.” These programs are rotated throughout the week to add sharpness, speed, and flexibility to their users’ communication abilities.

Above all, however, the new routine stresses the topics to avoid while talking to women. According to the video series, the biggest faux pas is actually talking about P90X. Explained Horton, “Nobody wants to know that you spend one hour by yourself each day, sweating to scantily-clad workout instructor. Trust me, that’s a bigger deal-breaker than syphilis.”

Originally published: September 2012