Low-Achieving Family to Incorporate Friends’ Failures in Annual Christmas Letter

The year 2013 for the Saunder family of Springfield, Illinois, was self-admittedly “a real twelve-month downer.” In order to bolster their annual Christmas letter, the Saunders have announced plans to include mentions of their loved ones’ setbacks. Following a year in which father Ted Saunder did not get a promotion, mother MaryAnn Saunder gained 30

Local 18-Year-Old Weighing Benefits $200,000 in Student Loan Debt vs. Possibly Getting Shot in Afghanistan

High school senior Jacob Peterson recently received early admission to a private university, a development that has made his decision on how to finance four years’ tuition. Peterson, as a member of the socio-economic underclass, he enjoys the choice of joining the military or selling his soul to student loan companies. Peterson admits he is

That Guy Who Brings Acoustic Guitar To Every Party Finally Gets Laid

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Sources confirmed this Sunday morning that LSA sophomore Wyatt Hayworth, who has consistently brought his acoustic guitar to every party he’s attended for a full year in the hopes of ending his stubbornly persistent state of virginity, finally “got some” at a local house party this weekend. “I figured, if Free Fallin’ doesn’t reel in

Area Manager Going With ‘Just Checking In’ As Subject Line of Latest Email

Saying that the generic three-word phrase just made sense for what he was trying to get across, middle manager Jason Hoffman announced this past Monday his decision to once more go with ‘Just Checking In’ as the subject line of his latest email. “Sometimes simpler is better,” said Hoffman, defending his use of the utterly

Showtime Execs Plan to Use More Sex in Marketing for Masters of Sex

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Citing lackluster ratings for their new Sunday night drama Masters of Sex, corporate executives at the Showtime network plan to “really up the sexual ante” in their future marketing strategy. “Sure, it’s in the title, it’s a central theme in the show, and most episodes feature graphic nudity, but I’m not sure that people understand

Lazy Libertarian Probably Just Giving Relatives Bitcoins For Christmas

Joe Perry, notable to friends and family for his distrust of government institutions and extreme laziness in the face of gift-giving, announced Thursday that every single one of his holiday gifts would consist of a card stuffed with different denotations of Bitcoins, the digital P2P currency lacking any institutional oversight. “In the past I’ve taken

Sophomore’s Alone Time Ruined By Girlfriend’s Search Party

BEHIND A TREE IN THE ARB— University Police announced yesterday that sophomore Jason Welles, who had been declared missing since Monday, was recently found alive and well. Welles claiming to have ventured into the Arb to “get some time to himself,” was found after Stephanie Graham, his girlfriend of three months, rallied the local police

Crime Notes, The Michigan Daily “An Ugli Crime”. S3/E12

ugli crime

Many thought they had seen Crime Notes’ best work after last week’s stunning cliffhanger left viewers wondering whether or not this season’s lovable antagonist, 5’6” to 6’3” black male, would return Hannah Cohen’s 15” MacBook pro after discovering that it was registered with campus security. Viewers’ fears were resoundingly quashed when the most recent episode,

UHS to Offer Telephone Promo in Which Lucky 9th Caller Actually Gets Medical Attention They Require

uhs patient

To celebrate its 100th anniversary, University Health Services is planning several special events, one of which will reportedly include—for a limited time only—actually tending to ill students. Beginning this month, the campus medical care center will run a telephone-based promotion in which students placing calls to the reception desk will have a chance to be

Government Announces It Has Been Fucking With Us the Whole Time

government pranks

According to various sources within the world’s most powerful state, the United States Government has been operating since 1945 with the sole goal of fucking with us. “I was appalled that the city of Detroit would cut retiree compensation,” commented retired city worker Dale Summers. “I put in 35 years of honest hard work, so

Entire Male Student Body Convinced It Could Have Future In Standup Comedy

standup

VARIOUS CAMPUS LOCALES – The entirety of the University of Michigan’s male student population has declared that it could easily tell jokes in front of a live audience. Although male students are pretty sure they will be all right with their chosen major, they are confident that they have a rapier wit, a near-perfect sense

Campus Voices – November 2013

Sophomore Leaves Sorority for More Independent Lifestyle, Joins Cult

Bean right after her cult's sacrificial rituals, which make Theta Kappa Gamma's look tame in comparison.

SOLAR TEMPLE—Sophomore Stacey Bean has officially left the Theta Kappa Gamma Sorority to further pursue her interests in the Order of the Solar Temple, a local organization dedicated to friendship and higher meaning/ cult. In search of a stronger sense of self and more autonomy with her life, Bean decided to leave her sorority sisters

GSI’s Ability to Advance Science Hindered by Inability to Speak English

Sources report that chemistry GSI Stacy’s unparalleled ability to perform research, contextualize data, and advance chemical engineering is seriously hindered by her inability to speak conversational English. The 24-year-old Stacy, with an unpronounceable first and last name, who excelled at science from a young age, achieved perfect scores on her country’s college entrance exam, and

Medical Marijuana Patient Picking Up Prescription at Midnight on a Saturday Must Really Need It

THAT ONE DISPENSARY RIGHT ACROSS FROM ROSS—School of Art and Design senior Skylar Higgins reportedly must have desperately needed that medical marijuana prescription which abruptly left a friend’s party around 11:40 PM on Saturday to pick up. “Thanks for having me over guys, it was a blast, but now it’s time to pick up some

Recently Installed Condoms in Dorms Just Reminding Carl of How Little Sex He is Having

Sadly, Carl will soon be tasting the rainbow rather than that sweet, sweet pussy.

At the request of campus groups advocating for safer sex practices, select residence hall vending machines were recently stocked with a variety of generic-brand condoms. However according to students, the real problem is not unsafe sex practices, but rather a persistent lack of sex altogether. “Honestly, I’m sick of those things reminding me of my

Department of Revisionist History to Rebrand “Bummers” of Past

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The Department of Revisionist History announced on Tuesday that, as part of a wider effort to put a more “positive and palatable” spin on history’s various “past let-downs and mishaps,” it plans to confer newer, less troublesome names on the events currently understood as history’s darkest moments—spanning fascism, communism, genocide, racism, slavery, religious persecution, and

God Admits He Only Cares About Sports, Latin Grammys

BEYOND THE PEARLY GATES— As the world continues to crumble into despair, heavenly sources confirmed that God, Divine Ruler of the Universe and Creator of the Fruit of the Vine, carries out his sacred duties with exclusively two concerns: professional athletics, and outstanding achievements in recorded music as recognized by the Latin Academy of Recording

In World of Pedophiles and Murderers, Student Directs All Hatred Towards OSU

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With the November 30th rivalry game between Michigan and Ohio State University rapidly approaching, Ross sophomore Sam Alfarzi has been nearly unable to talk about anything lately except for his intense loathing of the OSU football team; completely ignoring things far more deserving of his contempt such as child molesters, killers, institutional racism, and cancer,

Bored, Obese Nation Decides to Give Pretzel Buns a Try

pretzel bun

In a weekend press conference, Tom Wheatland, national spokesperson for the American Alliance For the Bored and Obese, announced to eager reporters and restaurant insiders that 2013 will be the year that we all give Pretzel Buns a try. After Chili’s, Sonic, Wendy’s, Ruby Tuesday, Dunkin’ Donuts, Red Robin, and others introduced Pretzel Buns this

Citizen Kane Voted Best Movie Of All Time You Haven’t Seen Yet, You Uncultured Piece of Shit

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On November 11, the American Film Institute re-released their list of the top 100 movies of all time. Juried by 1,500 film artists and critics, the list is headed by Citizen Kane, the 1941 classic you haven’t even bothered to see because, let’s face it, you’re a lazy piece of shit who lacks any modicum

Literary Plagiarizers Penetrate Hard and Deep into Erotica Genre

Amazon.com released in a report last week that erotica is one of the most frequently plagiarized genres due to lax online copyright laws. Understandably, authors are upset, with many arguing that plagiarizers have soiled the reputation of a classic, timeless genre. “Frankly, I’m just insulted,” sighed Sharon Miller, a 49-year-old erotica author. “There’s another so-called

World Leaders Ignoring NSA Google+ Circle Invitation

According to internal documents released by the NSA, the American spy agency accused of unconscionable spying on foreign and domestic targets, world leaders are giving the agency the cold shoulder by consistently refusing it’s Google Plus Circle invitations. “It’s as if they think we don’t have feelings,” said NSA engineer William Locker while hacking into

Report: Ailing City of Detroit in Dire Need of More Community-Based Internships

A study released by the University of Michigan’s Institute for Social Research yesterday found that the ailing city of Detroit’s most pressing social, political, and economic issues would be most effectively addressed by the temporary, sporadic presence of bright-eyed college undergraduates who lack both a basic knowledge of the city and the competence to do

Swiffer Helps Elderly Couple Sweep Away Signs of Their Inevitable Decay

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Lee and Morty Kaufman, the 90-year-old couple prominently featured in ads for Swiffer, were amazed and delighted by the products’ abilities to effectively attract and clean the signs of their own impending atrophy. “They say that dust is made up of dead skin cells, and nobody has more dead skin cells then Morty and me,”

Point, Counterpoint: Ask-a-Librarian

Point: Great for Late Nights I’m a hard worker. I like to get stuff done and usually leave the UGLi around one or two in the morning. Nothing helps me get through those early morning hours more than Ask-a-Librarian. Seriously you guys, the site is incredible. Sometimes I really just need some help and can’t turn anywhere else. And whenever I am stressed

Oh the Shit I’ve Seen, by That Volleyball Net

I’ve seen things. Horrible things. I was just a naive young volleyball net once. Eager to help people play a sport, have a fun time, maybe make some new friends. But now I’m a shell of the net I once was. The spark beaten out of me by half full red solo cups and empty bottles of Axe body spray.

Of Course I Meant What I Wrote, by James Madison

There has been a lot of talk about Second Amendment rights lately. A wide range of politicians claim that I, James Madison, father of The Constitution and The Bill of Rights, would agree with their stance on gun control. I have decided to take this opportunity to reiterate exactly what I wrote in 1789. Every white male, regardless of mental state, has

Stop Using My Drugs: an Intervention Letter by Kevin’s Roommate

Kevin, I’ll start this by saying that this is coming from a place of love and that I care very deeply about you. However, I can’t say I love you all the time, especially when I know you’ve been stealing my drugs. I’m here, writing this, because you have a problem. I’ll just say it: if you’re going to use my

Nation Now Aware of Breast Cancer Unsure What to Do Next

A new survey published by the National Breast Cancer Foundation found that thanks to countless breast cancer awareness months and nationwide pink ribbon campaigns, 99 percent of Americans are now aware of breast cancer. While the NBCF celebrates a record high level of awareness, administrators admit that they’re not quite sure what the next step