Alternative Spring Break Group to Help Real Spring Breakers Locate Dignity

CANCUN, CABO, PANAMA CITY BEACH, LAS VEGAS, YOU GET THE IDEA—The University’s Alternative Spring Break Program will be featuring a new service option for students looking to have a selfless and rewarding spring break experience. This year, a group of twenty generous young people will head down to Mexico at the end of the month

Scientific Community Admits Atoms Completely Made Up

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At a recent Geneva press conference of the world’s top scientists, it was revealed that atoms, the microscopic particles that for years have been known to be the building blocks of life itself, are totally made up, with no basis in reality whatsoever. In front of a panel of experts and a live television audience,

Ask a Couple Showering Together With Soap in Their Eyes

Dear Couple Showering Together With Soap in Their Eyes, I am a junior this year and I have to decide if I am going to apply for grad school. I always planned on getting my Master’s degree, but as the application deadline grows closer and closer, I am worried about how much it is going

You’re Seriously Going to Turn In That Piece of Shit? By Your Laptop at Four in the Morning

Okay, seriously? You really need to stop this. Take a look at yourself in the mirror. What do you see? I’ll tell you what I see. I see the zombie-like gaze of someone who has spent the entire night churning out a half-assed essay for the third time this week. To call it half-assed is

You Know What They Say About a Guy With Big Feet… By Bigfoot

I’m the stuff of legends. Of fantasies, if you will. And I’m here to tell you that it’s all true. They call me Bigfoot, they call me Sasquatch, hell, my Wikipedia page even calls me a Bipedal Humanoid. But listen to me: I. Am. All. Man. I’m sure you’ve seen the pictures. I’m burly. I’m

Man With Nine Tattoos Tells Casual Girlfriend He Just Isn’t Ready for a Commitment

In a move that disappointed his girlfriend, Emily Trainor, area man James Birmingham announced Friday that despite having nine tattoos and several piercings covering his 23 year old body, he is not ready to commit to a serious relationship. “I really didn’t expect her to react this way,” said Birmingham while scratching his leg that

Dry Cleaner Unsure How to Handle Ku Klux Klan Robes

Further Down South Than He Thought— Dry cleaner owner Wes Oliver was shocked Saturday to receive a patron’s Ku Klux Klan robes to press and finish. Expecting the order to be only suits and blazers, likely in anticipation for Sunday’s local church service, Oliver was surprised to find Klan robes among the multitude of Vineyard

eHarmony and Merge Into

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In a surprise move Monday, popular dating website and successful genealogy website announced their decision to merge into the revolutionary new service, The public, which has long had the hots for its young aunt, responded to the arrangement very positively. By finding previously unknown branches in family trees, the dating prospects for awkward

Directionally Challenged Teenager Having a Hard Time Getting Out of This Town

Local teenager Jeremy Stumph reportedly “hates his life” and “can’t wait to get out of here,” yet is facing complications in his plan to escape the horrors of his mundane suburban life and run away to Chicago stemming from his innate lack of directional understanding. When asked to comment on his attempts to escape, Stumph

Virgin Margarita Loses It to José Cuervo in Latest Post on Area Woman’s Erotic Food Blog

Following a blog post detailing the sexy goings-on of a recent “orgy of greens, vegetables, and nuts drenched in a glistening vinaigrette,” area woman Kerri Moreno’s most recent post beautifully crystallizes the moment that a stream of tequila penetrated the surface of her previously virginal margarita. “I’ve been blogging my experiences with food erotica for