Overweight Man Bids Adieu to Penis Until Spring

With his Holiday season weight gain well underway, local chubber Nate Wertz is counting down the days until the months of watching football, eating and napping cause his ever-expanding stomach to eclipse his sad, pathetic little penis. “I think the eclipse might come a little early this year, Halloween was really productive and I think

Nation’s Students Eagerly Await Black Friday Break

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This year’s Black Friday Break, scheduled to begin at 5:00pm on November 27, according to many University students, cannot come soon enough. Regardless of whether they plan to spend their break in hours-long lines at Best Buy, Walmart, or Old Navy, students like freshman Evan DeYoung, are just ready to get home. Stressing the importance

Obama Refuses to Pardon White House Turkey, Strangles It While Daughters Look On

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During a televised ceremony in the White House Rose Garden, a visibly exasperated President Obama parted with decades of presidential tradition by refusing to pardon 2013’s Thanksgiving turkey. The Turkey Presentation ceremony, which dates back to the Truman administration, dictates that the president offer a “pardon” to a selected turkey in the lead up to

Man Realizes He’s Made a Horrible Mistake Moments Before Pushing Wrong Side of Door

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A STORE WITHOUT AUTOMATIC DOORS—Tragedy ensued as a man tried to open the wrong side of the door at a local Tea Haus Tuesday afternoon. Frank Neville, a middle-aged Caucasian man with an affinity for overpriced oolong and catching on to trends late, says he realized something was terribly wrong milliseconds after he began pushing

Man Accepts Unpaid Internship as Boyfriend

After being turned down for several paid positions over the summer, LSA Junior Andrew Beltran has finally decided to accept an unpaid internship as “Boyfriend to Sophomore Kelly Hill”. Beltran announced this important career decision via Facebook Thursday night to a slew of “likes”, and several comments inquiring about his new duties. Beltran confirmed that

Houston Sick and Tired of Hearing About Your Problems

The city of Houston is experiencing widespread irritation at being America’s longtime sounding board. “We have our own problems, you know,” said Mayor Annise Parker. “We say y’all completely seriously. Same thing with wearing cowboy boots.” Researchers have yet to determine why Americans have deemed Houston, a city that shuts down at even the slightest

Sir Isaac Newton Live Blogs Scientific Inaccuracies of Gravity

RAVE CINEMAS – As of this moment, I, Sir Isaac Newton, am being led by several representatives of something called “The Warner Brother Picture Company”, into some sort of dark theatre. Oh my, if these are not the most comfortable chairs that I have had the pleasure to sit upon. I am told that the

It’s Chilly Out There, Don’t You Think You Should Put on a Sweater? by Your Older, More Experienced Sophomore Roommate

Have you checked the weather today? I’m just sayin’, because I know you’re new to Michigan, so you don’t get how crazy the weather can be. I know it was 70 degrees yesterday, but damn, today it is cold – like 58-degrees-cold. Yeah, you’re definitely not in Wisconsin anymore. Hold on, hold on – please

I Know You Didn’t Throw that Ball, by an Irate Dog

Dear Ted, I’d like to take a moment to address a situation that occurred at approximately 5:34 PM yesterday evening. It was just one in a line of many such occurrences, and frankly, it has become not only distasteful but downright rude. Do you honestly believe yourself to be such a masterful disguiser of the

Super Excited Mitch McGary Tweets Chance Encounter with Markley Hall Council President

Michigan Sophomore Mitch McGary tweeted his delight after a chance encounter with Markley Hall Council President Andrew Blumenthal. McGary, who describes himself as “a Markley Hall Council super fan,” recently tweeted, “OMG Mark Hall Prez Andrew Blumenthal took seat next to me in Chipotle #freakingout’” The preseason All-American basketball player admitted the experience had left

Gatorade Cured My Neck Cancer, By Peyton Manning

Hey y’all, it’s me, Peyton, the quarterback of the Denver Broncos, who has thrown for something like a league leading 16 touchdowns and zero interceptions. Now that’s a fact that seems remarkable considering I am a 37-year-old man. It becomes all the more remarkable when you remember that I just had two vertebrae in my

Sochi Olympic Committee Bans 60% of Winter Sports Under Russian Anti-Gay Laws: Figure Skating, Curling First To Go

Citing new Russian laws that ban the presentation of “homosexual propaganda” to minors, the Sochi 2014 Olympic Committee announced that it would be canceling 60% of its previously scheduled events due to their “undeniable gayness.” Said chairman Boris Zorolev in a written statement, “it is not the responsibility ofour committee to pass judgment on the

Taylor Lewan to Change Number to 69 Because, Well, You Know

The Big House Locker Room– Following Michigan quarterback Devin Gardner’s permanent number change to 98, in honor of Heisman Trophy Winner Tom Harmon, Senior captain Taylor Lewan announced he will also be changing his jersey. “The change to 69 came after a lot of thought. Seeing Devin’s inspiring performances wearing 98 made me think about

Student Dares to Resist Conforming to Female Beauty Norms

Classmates of LSA junior Amanda Osgood have become increasingly disturbed by her casual clothing, messy ponytail, and apparent total disregards for the rules of society. Osgood reportedly hit a new low on Tuesday when she was bold enough to wear sweatpants to her Econ 101 lecture. “It’s just sad,” commented classmate Rebecca Barnes. “Doesn’t she

Local Church Marketing Campaign to Involve Even More Fucking Sidewalk Chalk

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Citing a desire to connect with a hip, young demographic, Ann Arbor’s Holy Life Church launched a new marketing campaign that will include “a continued and increased use of sidewalk chalk,” wrote the church in a press release. Chalk will be distributed to student volunteers, who will write intentionally vague and confusing slogans on pavement

Quick-Thinking Introvert Narrowly Avoids Human Interaction by Staring at Phone

Ken Withers, 28, after the young recluse reportedly drew his phone with cat-like reflexes in order to avert a friendly conversation with someone entering the same elevator as him. After nodding semi-politely at the man’s cheery “good morning,” witnesses claim Withers maintained his ground for about half a minute before exiting on floor five unscathed.

U.S. News & World Report Ranks University of Michigan as Nation’s #1 Backup College

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In its latest round of rankings, US News & World Report once again conferred upon the University of Michigan the semi-(honor?) of being the nation’s number one backup school. As one of the country’s oldest and best public universities, Michigan is consistently the institution to which students apply on the off chance they don’t get

Holocaust Survivor, 93, Apparently Not Avalanche Survivor

Samuel Shalev, who escaped Nazi persecution during the Second World War, ran out of luck Friday morning when he was crushed by a rapid, spontaneous collapse of a massive sheet of snow. In 1943, Shalev, along with his parents, were removed from their home in Warsaw, Poland, and taken to the Auschwitz extermination camp. Although

Addition of Word ‘the’ to OSU’s Name Adds 10 Percent More Prestige

Educational experts have confirmed that renaming Ohio State University as The Ohio State University in an attempt to increase the status of the school has so far been successful, garnering an estimated 10 percent more respect within the academic community. “We’re thrilled with the results so far,” said acting president Joseph A. Alutto. “We were

Hipsters Start Ironically Living Normal Lives, Assimilating Into Society

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WILLIAMSBURG, NY – Residents of many hipster-heavy neighborhoods have recently noticed a remarkable downturn in the number of artsy, snobbish, fashion-conscious folks, whom social scientists believe to be leaving their indie-saturated enclaves in droves in pursuit of fashionably average lives. “It’s true that I live in a two-bedroom house in the suburbs with my family

Colorado Wildfires Perfect Setting for Michigan Bikram Yoga Club Retreat

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While many Colorado citizens fled from the wildfires threatening their homes and safety, Yoga instructor Marcie Rielly’s class “thrived” at the risk of being engulfed in flames after temporarily relocating her Bikram yoga studio into a log cabin in one of the most dangerous burn zones. Bikram yoga traditionally consists of a series of twenty-three

Student Who Studied Abroad Now Claims Ayacucho, Peru as Hometown

After an intensive 4-week study abroad program, sources report LSA sophomore Henry Kincaid has repeatedly declared throughout the semester that Ayacucho, Peru is his hometown despite being born and raised in West Bloomfield. Friends and classmates were at first perplexed at Kincaid’s sudden and intense identification with Peruvian culture. “At the beginning of the year,

President Coleman Spins Cube Backwards, Opens Cosmic Sinkhole

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CORNER OF MAYNARD AND THE SIXTH DIMENSION — This morning University President Mary Sue Coleman, on her traditional walk to work, accidentally spun the cube in a counter-clockwise direction, opening a portal to a dimension of unfathomable madness. Despite her empty eye sockets which were seen to be leaking blood, Coleman had little problem making

Area Man Only A Feminist When Drunk

APPLETON, WI – Local graduate student John Michelson, described by his friends as “your average entitled, misogynistic asshole”, admitted Thursday that after a few drinks, he departs from these core values by going on drunken feminist rants. Sources confirm that the 26 year old attended a party at his old frat Friday night, fully intending

Obama Makes Case for American “Pretty-Okay-ism”

WASHINGTON — In hoping to soothe the shaken American psyche following the recent government shutdown, President Obama held a press conference Wednesday to defend comments he made earlier in the week and make the case for American mediocrity. “Some around the world today may point at America and see an aging superpower struggling to come

Thirty-Something ‘Simply Thrilled’ At News of Baby Sister’s Engagement

DISHEVELED WALK-UP APARTMENT, NEW YORK– Lydia Hollan, a thirty-six year old single resident of Brooklyn, is reportedly “so overjoyed” at the news of her younger sister’s engagement to a Californian adventure capitalist. “I couldn’t be happier for my baby sister Lillian,” said Hollan during an interview at her apartment last Tuesday. “She definitely deserved to

Report: Michael Jackson Still Dead

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Neverland Ranch– At approximately 6:09 PM eastern time yesterday evening, late pop singer-songwriter Michael Jackson was announced “still dead” since his original passing on June 25th, 2009. The news shocked millions, as his name has continued to dominate headlines from The National Inquirer to The New York Times. This marked four years, three months, two

Ask an Overly-Aggressive Online Political Commenter

Dear Overly-Aggressive Online Political Commenter, My boyfriend’s birthday is in a few weeks. I’d like to get him something really special because it’s his 21st, but I don’t really want the present to be drinking related because that seems so trite. Is there anything you can suggest? I thought a nice collared sweater or other

A Letter of Recommendation for Bradley Gerst

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To Whom It May Concern:  Based on your interest in “Hardworking  Associates Who Are Willing To Work For  Ridiculously Low Salaries,” we’d like to  recommend Bradley Gerst for a position at your  company. We know him better than anyone else in  his life, and so can give the strongest possible  recommendation for any venture he

Kanye West Diagnosed With Yeezus Complex

A casual Tuesday in the West house.

CHICAGO—Globally-recognized entertainer and well-known crazy person Kanye West held a press conference late Tuesday night to announce that he was, indeed, the savior, creator and ultimate deity of a new world religion: Kanyetholicism. In a culture that often creates gods out of celebrities, Mr. West is now believed to be the first celebrity to actually