Family of Slain Baby Really Playing it Up on Five O’Clock News

WHINERS-VILLE, POPULATION 2—As the story of a one-year-old Brooklyn boy shot in his stroller makes the rounds on the five o’clock news, inside sources agree that the surviving parents and family members—with their fits of convulsive sobbing and abject despair—are really milking their airtime for all it’s worth. “I’ve never had an infant shot in

Bikini Carwash, Pulling Up Covers and Pretending Not to Be Home Proposed at Detroit Bankruptcy Meeting

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DETROIT—According to federally appointed Emergency Manager Kevyn Orr, Detroit’s July 12th declaration of bankruptcy was hardly a solution to the city’s financial woes. Instead, it should be seen as the “beginning of a long and painful path to solvency:” a path that will certainly require courage and creativity from indebted Detroiters. “Desperate times call for

In Reversal of Same-Sex Marriage Position, Republican Senator References Son’s Gay Father

NEW YORK CITY—In an exclusive interview with ABC’s Katie Couric, Senator Joe Bennet (R-Mont.) revealed that his recent reversal on the issue of gay marriage was brought on by the realization that a close family member—his son’s father—was, in fact, gay. Bennet’s son’s father, who wishes to remain anonymous due to what the admission may

Jennifer’s RA Reassures Her That He’s Available Anytime She Needs Him: ‘Seriously, Anytime,’ He Says

Engineering freshman Jennifer Wilson’s RA reportedly assured her, for the third time this week and seventy-sixth time this year, that, if there was anything he could do for her, anything at all, she should feel free to come to his room and ask for it, day or night. Sources claim that late Tuesday night, Jennifer’s

Students Stage Sit-in During Football Games to Protest New Seating Policy

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In the months since school officials announced that seating for the student section would follow a general admissions policy for the 2013 football season, enraged upper-level students have been hard at work trying to make their voices heard. After employing several different strategies such as creating Facebook groups, signing online petitions, and muttering “Man, this

Three-Day Orientation Fosters Lifelong Facebook Friendship

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After declaring themselves best friends during a whirlwind three day stint in Ann Arbor, incoming freshmen and orientation roommates Heather Caldwell and Caroline McCormack reportedly look forward to being best friends for all four years of their undergraduate careers, despite the fact that their friendship will exist only online. “I felt a connection with Heather

Tony Romo Now Highest-Paid Worst Quarterback in NFL History

ARLINGTON, Tex. – Tony Romo, who recently signed a six-year, $108-million contract extension with the Dallas Cowboys, is now the best-compensated most awful quarterback in the history of the NFL, according to league sources. Romo, who has inexplicably appeared on the field for the Cowboys for the past nine seasons, is often lauded as the

Study Finds Merciless Taunting Pretty Effective Solution to Childhood Obesity: Rates of Crying, Metabolism Soar in Response to Public Humiliation

THE BLACKTOP – A study from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention released Friday found that constant, community-based efforts to wantonly humiliate obese children may result in substantial weight loss and BMI reduction. The long-term, randomized, double-blind study was aimed at motivating a shift in the way we address the nation’s growing obesity epidemic.

MTV Mourns Fact that Reality Star Died Off-Camera

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WEST VIRGINIA – At a press conference following the accidental carbon-monoxide poisoning of reality TV star Shain Gandee, MTV executives reluctantly confirmed that none of their patented reality-cams had been present at the scene of the tragedy. Executive producer Barry Poznik concluded the conference with a personal message to the deceased’s family, saying, “While we

Mom Activist Group Makes Breakfast in Bed for Ugandan Child Soldiers

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‘BED,’ UGANDA – Calling Lord’s Resistance Army leader Joseph Kony’s use of child soldiers “just dreadful,” Mrs. Dorothy Hathaway of the Mothers for Tea and Social Change club in Wilmot, Minn. recently outlined her group’s plan to resolve the situation with freshly-delivered trays of warm, delicious breakfasts. “When I see I picture of this darling

Sixth Season of ‘Jon Hamm’s Wang’ Full of Throbbing Drama, Critics Say

Just three episodes into its sixth season, AMC’s hit series Jon Hamm’s Wang – which focuses on Jon Hamm’s phallus as it negotiates the shallow materialism of the 1960s advertising world, as well as vaginas – has been repeatedly praised by viewers for the way in which it allows them to stare at Jon Hamm’s

In Oddly Personal Hearing, Supreme Court Justices Seek to Learn What Exactly Makes One Gay

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 Asking For a Friend, Justices Swear WASHINGTON – In a follow-up to last month’s landmark oral arguments on gay marriage, the Supreme Court justices took turns asking oddly-personal hypothetical questions about the nature of homosexuality at a hearing tinged with awkwardness, furtive glances, and sexual shame. The nine justices resolved to spend the time necessary

Area Man Describes New Girlfriend’s Predatory Tendencies as ‘Cute’

ROMULUS, Mich. – Volunteer firefighter Shane Osgood reports that his fledgling relationship with local typist Lindsay Chancellor has been “absolutely perfect” despite her numerous aggressive tendencies. Since their relationship began last month, Chancellor has displayed controlling behaviors and extreme reactions to him leaving her presence, characteristics that Osgood has labeled “charming little quirks.” According to

BP Starts Corporate Image Cleanup Initiative: Goal Is to Remove 100% of Corporate Malfeasance from News by 2016

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In an effort to halt the ceaseless flow of bad press from seeping through to critical ears, senior executives at the multinational oil conglomerate BP announced their new Corporate-Image-Cleanup Initiative, a revolutionary program intended to remove any mention of its willfully-reckless corporate activity from mainstream news by 2016. The Image-Cleanup Initiative will be carried out

New Drug Promises to Treat Parents’ Anxiety Over Children’s ADHD Medication

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A consortium of the world’s leading drug companies announced Thursday that it plans to move ahead with trials for a medication designed to relieve parents’ mounting anxiety over giving their children ADHD medication. Upon finding that parents experience high levels of stress due to the fact that their children are ingesting large daily quantities of

2013 ‘Rotten Apple’ Winner Delivers Honorary ‘First Lecture’ on Content Relevant to Class Exam

Professor Ross Clark was awarded the 2013 Rotten Apple Award shortly after his HISTORY 263: People and Culture of Southeast Asia lecture on Tuesday, honoring his dedication to unpreparedness, disorganization, and teaching each lecture as if it were his first. This award was bestowed upon Professor Clark after a flood of nominations indicated that he

Student Who Recently Turned 21 Suddenly Blessed With Expert Knowledge of Craft Beers

DEFINITELY NOT RICK’S – Despite celebrating his 21st birthday just last Wednesday, LSA junior Kai Sanderson has quickly become a self-proclaimed “beer virtuoso” after sampling a sundry assortment of lagers, IPAs, stouts, porters, stoutish porters, and, of course, hefeweizens. “In terms of my preference for alcoholic beverages, I’ve really matured in the last week,” Sanderson

New School of Information Major First U-M Program to Convey Information

UM, WE’RE NOT TOO GOOD WITH THE GEOGRAPHY – Following the exciting news that the University’s School of Information will allow undergraduates to concentrate in Information starting in Fall 2013, sources close to the Board of Regents explained that the change was enacted to combat the sheer amount of ignorance on campus, as part of

Muslim Brotherhood Earns Surprise Victory in CSG Election

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THE MICHIGAN UNION – After a long, arduous appeals process, late last night the Central Student Judiciary declared the Muslim Brotherhood the surprise victor in this year’s Central Student Government elections. Although stalwart political parties forUM and youMICH received more votes in the polls, both were eventually disqualified for violations of election-finance and shariah law.

Mysterious Malady Killing Off Bees, Rejoice Nation’s Pussies

OUTSIDE – Recent reports of widespread honeybee colony collapses were met with jubilant celebrations among the nation’s apiphobes, sissies, and all-around wimps, who view the demise of honeybee populations as liberation from the constant threat of being attacked by an animal they could easily kill with a rolled-up newspaper should they ever muster the courage.

Obituary: Congressional Gun Reform Dies After Agonizing Struggle with NRA

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WASHINGTON – Congressional Gun Reform, a package of bills that had shown such promise during its tragically short life, died on the floor of the Senate Monday night. It was four months old. Born in the dark hours following the Sandy Hook massacre in December, Gun Reform had a difficult childhood, and was frequently bullied

Reinventing Yourself Point-Counterpoint

POINT: Reinventing Yourself in the Movie Industry Isn’t That Hard Who would have guessed that the star of Gigli would win an Oscar after that debacle, am I right? But really though, I just hope my story or redemption is enough to propel struggling actors and actresses – I’m looking at you, Adam Sandler –

WANTED: Quiet, Considerate Resident to Sublet My Vagina, by Kelly

My previous tenant is moving to Arizona so I’m looking to rent out my vagina from August to August (2013-2014), but specific dates are negotiable. It is barely used, spacious, comfortable, and has a great view. In the summer it can get a bit muggy, but this is easily fixable for someone who knows how

Just Wanted to Remind You That Our HoneyBaked Goodness Survived the Recession

Whew! That was some roller-coaster ride, huh? The economy has been so unstable these past few years; it was almost tough for a pork-based specialty store to survive. But our loyal clientele and sweet, succulent hams, aided by our country’s fascination with ham-based holidays, really helped us pull through. I hope everybody else did okay.

Can We Please Focus on Something Other Than My Smoking Hot Bombshell of a Niece, Kate Upton?

I love serving our great nation as much as the next guy. But, as a lifelong civil servant with a decorated history, I am really growing tired of the fact that so much more attention is paid to my smoking, drop-dead-gorgeous niece, Kate, than to the important issues affecting our nation. I know, she’s the

Through Learning Not to Split His or Her Infinitives Haphazardly, a Student Will Begin to Produce Eventually Much Clearer Prose, as Compared to That of a Student Who Has Not Learned Not to Split His or Her Infinitives Haphazardly

Over the course of the past 20 years, this author has become increasingly concerned by the fact that the common student has failed to master sufficiently one of the most basic English grammatical rules: not to split infinitives in his or her sentences. This development has deeply troubled this observer, for this author does not

North Quad Flooding Fails to Destroy Dennison Building: Campus Laments Enduring Eyesore

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AN UNFORTUNATELY-STILL-EXTANT BUILDING – Much to the chagrin of students, faculty, and sighted people everywhere, last month’s flooding of the North Quad residence hall has failed to completely and utterly destroy the Dennison Building, the universally-loathed architectural disaster that continues to mock passersby with its enduring presence. “At first, when I heard that North Quad

Spanish 102 Students Forced to Translate Incredibly Disturbing Sentences: ‘Las Momias Comen Los Ninos,’ Reads Latest Homework

Sources confirm that students in Professor Todd Leonard’s Spanish 102 class are becoming increasingly disturbed by their homework assignments, which require them to translate sentences from Spanish to English and vice versa. While this is normally standard procedure for introductory-level Spanish courses, the coursework for Leonard’s class is reportedly “dark,” “chilling,” and “seriously fucked up.”