Baghdad Auto Show Reveals Latest in Car Bomb Innovations

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BAGHDAD—Journalists, industry experts, and explosive enthusiasts alike gathered last week in Baghdad for the Baghdadi International Auto Show, a popular trade convention celebrating the latest and greatest in car bomb innovations. “I’m really excited about the turnout this week,“ said radicalized Islamic militant and convention vendor Omar al-Masri, “We always like to see a nice,

Target Cancels Contract With Edward Snowden

This past week, a spokesman from the retail chain Target, having accidentally leaked personal data from some 110 million in-store customers, announced it would be canceling its contract with disgraced ex-NSA computer systems analyst Edward Snowden. “Sure, he might have started an international controversy and leaked top-secret national information, but everyone makes mistakes sometimes. He

North Korean Television Debuts ‘Keeping Up With the Kim Jongs’ Reality Series

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PYONGYANG—To further glorify the Supreme Leader, North Korean State Television has completed production on Season 1 of Keeping up with the Kim Jongs, a hot new reality show about the day-to-day life of North Korean autocrat Kim Jong-Un. The series primarily focuses on Kim Jong’s personal and family life, featuring the Supreme Leader’s wife, Ri

Cold to Be a Factor for Both Fans and Players Who Might Prefer Warmer Weather at Super Bowl XLVIII

RUTHERFORD, NJ— With this year’s Super Bowl to be held outside in the MetLife Stadium in New Jersey, many fans and sports analysts are looking to the weather as a major factor in determining the outcome of the game. The forecast slated for that Sunday is a high of 37, low of 19, with a

Brady Hoke Sits Wolverines Down to Talk About Recent Break-Up With Al Borges

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Sources report that coach Brady Hoke took time this week to sit down all 85 Michigan football players and explain his “painful” decision to “part ways” with offensive coordinator Al Borges. “Look, I know this is difficult for you guys,” Hoke told his team. “It’s difficult for me too. But the truth is, Al and

Modern-Day Sisyphus Doomed to Continue Shovelling Driveway in Middle of Snowstorm

A MADMAN’S PLAYGROUND- After reading a book of Greek Myths in his Great Books course, LSA sophomore Jacob Gonzalez realized with horror that the story of Sisyphus—who was doomed to spend eternity rolling a boulder up a steep hill, only for it to roll back down once it had reached its peak—was highly analogous to the time he has been spending clearing the snow from

Enlightened Douchebag Vows to Be Total Dick to Anyone, Regardless of Race, Religion, or Sexual Orientation

Recently, peers have commended LSA senior and “all around choch” Mike Durant for his ability to see past color, ethnicity, gender identity, sexual preference, and any other number of stigmatizing differences–– in order to ensure that he’s a real prick to anybody. “This school teaches people to expect respect, and I take that seriously,” Durant said. “So when I see some gay kid walking down

New ‘Humans of 1542 Rumsey House’ Facebook Page Creeping Out Residents of West Quad’s 1542 Rumsey House

The latest in a series of “Humans of New York” spin-offs, the “Humans of 1542 Rumsey House” Facebook page features candid snapshots of sophomores Vanessa Walker and Andrea Nelson studying, sleeping, and shaving their legs over the sink in their West Quad dorm room. The unnamed creator of the page provides only a brief introduction to the photos, describing them as part of

UMich Archaeologists Uncover UMich Archaeology Museum

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SMACK DAB IN THE MIDDLE OF STATE STREET—A startling discovery was made last Wednesday when professors from the department of archaeological anthropology uncovered what they believe to be the Kelsey Museum of Archaeology. The doors of the museum were unsealed Thursday morning for what may be the first time in modern history, sources say. “It’s a remarkable discovery, and it’s been right next to

Michigan Daily Staff Voted “Most Loyal Readers” By Michigan Daily Staff

To show appreciation to their faithful fan base, iconic campus newspaper The Michigan Daily listed their top ten “Most Loyal Readers” in last Tuesday’s issue. Senior Philip Yari was voted number one and the Communications major, who also serves as an editor for the Daily, was thrilled by the news. “I read the Daily as much as I can,” Yari stated, “The

Student Suddenly Realizes Others Can Hear Him Sing, Despite Earbuds

After a particularly turbulent bus ride dislodged LSA junior David Brown’s earbuds, he realized with horror that he, and by extension all others around him, could hear him loudly belting out “Let it Go” from the Frozen soundtrack. A still startled Brown then proceeded to apologize to the entire bus for disturbing them. “Jesus, talk about embarrassing!” Brown explained. “I had no idea

Why Not Host the Super Bowl in Our Freezing, Post-Industrial Shithole of a Town? By James L. Cassella, Mayor of East Rutherford, NJ

The Super Bowl is one of America’s greatest national pastimes. Accordingly, the Big Game has usually taken place in tolerable, temperate climates like Florida, Louisiana, and California. Over the years, we’ve simply taken for granted the idea that a great game has to happen in a great place—like Miami, San Diego, or Tampa. But, as the Mayor of East Rutherford, New Jersey, I’ve

Where’s My Memorial? By Ted Kennedy

I was thinking the other day. My brother John has a memorial. My brother Bobby has a memorial. And honestly? They didn’t do much. Shit, getting killed was the best thing for their legacies. Meanwhile, I’m still waiting. I’ve been dead for what, like four years now? It’s about time. We all know John would not be so beloved if he

Sigourney Weaver is My Badass Alter-Ego, by Susan Sarandon

Friends, relatives, respected members of the Screen Actors Guild… I need to get something off my chest. For decades I’ve been perpetuating a lie. I must be honest: it has served me well, but it’s gone too far. It’s high time I come out and say it: I have been living a double life as the fictitious Sigourney Weaver. Much as

Local Teen Shocked to Learn She’s Not The Only One Who Feels This Way

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LIKE IT EVEN MATTERS—Local teen Alexa Troutman was reportedly astounded to discover last Thursday that she is not, in fact, the only person in the entire world who feels this way. Troutman says the revelation struck her on Monday, while sitting alone at a table in the lunchroom, listening to Mayday Parade and covering her

Beard Rescues Pudgy Man’s Jawline from Lifetime of Obscurity

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Area chubster Darren Malone was relieved to wake up last Wednesday morning and find that his ever-disappearing jawline is once again visible thanks to his facial hair. “I’ve put on a lot of weight lately,” Malone explained, “and I had been starting to worry about my primary chin getting lost in the successive ones.” Upon seeing

Area Workingman Fails to Realize ‘Ivory Tower’ is a Metaphor

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According to insider reports Hoboken, NJ electrician James Lundgren is an honest working man fighting for his rights, but his efforts may be misplaced as he does not realize the concept of “ivory tower” elites is only a metaphor. “The nerve of those billionaire bankers and liberal Hollywood scumbags, living the high life in a

National Anti-Bullying Campaign Encourages Personalized, Verbal Critiques to Combat Bullies

TOPEKA, KS—The National Anti Bullying Organization’s headquarters recently hosted a group of more than 300 high school students to partake in the foundation’s inaugural “We Will” campaign. The program, aimed at informing students on how to prevent bullying in their own schools, taught attendees to be “patient and confident; ruthless and unmerciful.” “We want students

University of Colorado Boulder Receiving More Applications Than Ever Before

The Board of Regents at the University of Colorado Boulder is stumped as to why the Colorado school has received more applications in the past month than were received during the past 2013 calendar year altogether. “I don’t get what’s so different,” responds a staff member at UC- Boulder’s office of admissions. “According to many

Local Halfwit Bedeviled by His Word-of-the-Day Calendar

Thanks to his 2014 word-of-the-day calendar, local man Bert Vaughn is out to prove that all prior assumptions about his lack of smarts are simply untrue. The daily calendar features a new vocabulary word and definition on each page, and Vaughn claims that it will “metamorphose [his] life, probably.” “People never really thought I was

Twenty-Something Realizes Parents Were Right About Everything

SHITTY BASEMENT APARTMENT—After recently graduating from an expensive, private liberal arts school with a degree in ceramics and abstract sculpture, 22 year old Victoria Anderson has begun to realize that the real world is just as disillusioning and different from college as her parents told her it would be. Since graduating last spring, Anderson has

Chris Christie to Walk Slowly for President

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As expected, Republican front-runner Chris Christie announced his candidacy for President in the 2016 election on Sunday. In an unexpected move, however, the overweight candidate elected not to run for office, but instead walk very slowly. Given the governor of New Jersey’s weight problems, Christie’s decision was specifically calculated by his campaign managers to suit

Please Stop Sending Pictures of Me to People When You’re Drunk: By Your Penis

Yo, brochacho, it’s time for us to have a talk. I think we have a pretty great relationship; I’m the Batman to your Robin. I love what we have, but lately you’ve been doing things that have made me very uncomfortable. And I’m not the only one who notices it.I’ve talked to a lot of

Do You Really Need to Eat That? By Your Mother

Honey, I’m so glad you’re home and I can’t wait to hear the censored version of your first semester at college, remember the one where no underage drinking or premarital sex took place, but why don’t you tell me while we go for a quick six-mile jog? When your father and I picked you up

I’m Fine! By That Drunk Tailgating Girl Covered In Her Own Vomit

Listen to me, I’m absolutely fine. I’m not stumbling and bumbling and tumbling, get your hands off me, just let me sit. I just wanna sit. Have you guys seen my friend Tammie? She’s so pretty, you’d looooove her. Has anybody seen Tammie? I don’t even drink, I’m just here to see the Michigan experience.

Visibly Concussed James Harrison Forgets Why He’s Mad at Roger Goodell

PAUL BROWN STADIUM–Following Sunday’s game between the Cincinnati Bengals and Cleveland Browns, outspoken linebacker James Harrison criticized NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell once again regarding his attempt to ban helmet-to-helmet hits. In the midst of his rant, however, Harrison forgot where he was, how he had gotten there, and why he was mad at some man

UM Track Team Losing Streak Attributed to Starting Races on Michigan Time

After a series of defeats last season, new University of Michigan track and field coach Jerry Clayton says that he plans to re-examine the impact of the University’s “Michigan Time” policy that has collegiate athletes starting the 200, 400, and team relay 10 minutes after competitors. “U of M students used to hold a real

World Powers Order Defiant Iran to Be in Bed by Ten

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TEHRAN—As part of a landmark nuclear arms deal between Iran and the world’s most powerful nations, the United States agreed Monday to lift crippling economic sanctions on Iran on the strict, non-negotiable condition that the Islamic Republic keep its promise to be in bed by 10 pm every night. “And that means lights out too,

50,000 Pages of Assigned Reading Accuse Class of Neglect

Millions of pages of unread and neglected course readings came forward yesterday morning, demanding recognition and relief for their grievances. According to them, the students who are entrusted to take care of them, think deeply about them, and recall them for important tests have instead prioritized eating and sleeping over reading. While some shorter essays

Over Two Hundred Bangladeshi Workers Killed In Fire That You Don’t Genuinely Give a Shit About

DHAKA—212 workers lost their lives last Friday when a fire broke out in an electronics factory, a disastrous event that you don’t care about in the slightest. The official death toll rose throughout the following day, as fire crews found the charred remains of several dead men, women and children who you would care a