UM Track Team Losing Streak Attributed to Starting Races on Michigan Time

After a series of defeats last season, new University of Michigan track and field coach Jerry Clayton says that he plans to re-examine the impact of the University’s “Michigan Time” policy that has collegiate athletes starting the 200, 400, and team relay 10 minutes after competitors. “U of M students used to hold a real

World Powers Order Defiant Iran to Be in Bed by Ten

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TEHRAN—As part of a landmark nuclear arms deal between Iran and the world’s most powerful nations, the United States agreed Monday to lift crippling economic sanctions on Iran on the strict, non-negotiable condition that the Islamic Republic keep its promise to be in bed by 10 pm every night. “And that means lights out too,

50,000 Pages of Assigned Reading Accuse Class of Neglect

Millions of pages of unread and neglected course readings came forward yesterday morning, demanding recognition and relief for their grievances. According to them, the students who are entrusted to take care of them, think deeply about them, and recall them for important tests have instead prioritized eating and sleeping over reading. While some shorter essays

Over Two Hundred Bangladeshi Workers Killed In Fire That You Don’t Genuinely Give a Shit About

DHAKA—212 workers lost their lives last Friday when a fire broke out in an electronics factory, a disastrous event that you don’t care about in the slightest. The official death toll rose throughout the following day, as fire crews found the charred remains of several dead men, women and children who you would care a

Chinese Pedophiles Really Excited About Lifting of One Child Policy

A WHOLE NEW WORLD—On Friday, November 15th, China announced to the world a set of reforms that would lift historically strict policies, most notably the “one child” rule. This law, as the name implies, obstructed families from producing more than one child and, as members of the Chinese pedophile community insist, restricted the free exercise

BuzzFeed To Sell Film Rights To Acclaimed Listicle ‘16 Turtles in Funny Hats’

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Los Angeles, CA—The popular website and purveyor of click-bait Buzzfeed.com announced last week that, amid pressure from major hollywood studios vying for the right to produce a film adaption, they have officially sold the film rights to their critically-acclaimed listicle ‘16 Turtles in Funny Hats,’ along with a number of other trending articles. Following the

Area Man Can’t Remember Which Side Gas Cap On, Must Be Alzheimer’s

Local resident and widely acknowledged hypochondriac Ryan Beckman was tragically self-diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease last Wednesday after failing to recall what side of his car the gas cap was on as he pulled up to his local BP station. “It was terrible,” recalled Beckman. “One second I was cruising at ten and two day dreaming

Parents Replace Dead Grandma With New One to Help Kids Cope

Although Robert Gellhorn and his family were initially distraught at the recent passing of his mother, Dolores Gellhorn, they are learning to find comfort in the arms of Roberta Zimerski, whom they have chosen to replace their fallen matriarch. “Losing Mom was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to go through,” Robert Gellhorn

Graduating Senior’s Sophomore Halloween Costume Greatest College Achievement

While many Seniors are most proud of their high GPA, volunteer work, or admissions into top tier graduate programs, Economics major Francis Clayton asserts that his greatest achievement of his four years at Michigan was the Halloween costume he designed in his Sophomore year. “See, it was like a Twister mat, but the blue circle

Quality Comments Submitted on Course Evaluations for First Time Ever

Sources were shocked this week to discover that LSA sophomore Alison Reed actually began to fill out the evaluations for her courses a week before they were due. Reportedly, Reed even wants to make them helpful and informative this year. Reed, who usually completes her evaluations while waiting in line at Starbucks, wanted to point