UM-Divest Causes CSG to Freeze Under the Pressure of Not Being Completely Useless

The University’s Central Student Government shat their collective pants this month when they were forced to decide on a divestment measure that, unlike every other action ever taken by CSG, could have actual, real world consequences. “When we heard that our decisions could actually change people’s lives in a negative or positive way, our jaws

First Grade Job Market Competitive As Ever For This Year’s Kindergarten Graduates

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A new comprehensive study out this week finds that the 2014 Kindergarten graduates will likely struggle to find a job on any first grade classroom job chart. “I’ve always dreamed of getting to take care of the classroom pet when I became a first grader,” said Hannah K. from Mrs. Carlson’s class. “I’ve gone through

AI Program More Charming than Programmer

According to sources, computer science senior Mark Mahan has accidentally created an artificial intelligence program with greater social skills than his own, as part of an assignment in his EECS 492 class. “Our assignment was just to write a program that chatted back and forth with a human, so I wrote a simple program to

Michigan Court Legalizes Gay Marijuana

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In a landmark case cheered by progressives and fans of judicial activism alike, a Michigan appeals court has ruled to legalize gay marijuana, making Michigan the first state in the Union to allow the use of homosexual cannabis. “The court has determined that there is no ethical or legal basis to deny gay marijuana smokers the same rights as straight smokers,” reads

Local Football Star Takes Off Brainy Girl’s Glasses, Still Ugly

  ALL-AMERICAN HOMETOWN—After scoring the winning touchdown last Friday night, local football star Jason Turner ran up the bleachers and removed his biology tutor Alice Williams’ thick-framed glasses only to discover his potential love interest was still ugly without them. The discovery came as a shock. “Every popular depiction of the popular teenager/ ugly duckling

Neil DeGrasse Tyson Pretty Much Drowning in Tail These Days

Sources report that since the debut of the critically acclaimed series Cosmos and a string of high profile late night TV appearances, celebrity astronomer Neil DeGrasse Tyson is “plowing trim like nobody’s business these days.” Dr. DeGrasse Tyson, who holds degrees from Harvard and Columbia, has enjoyed minor stardom within the world of astrophysics since the 1990s. But his big break did not

Hey, Remember Me? By: The Chore Wheel You and Your Roommates Made During the First Week of School

  Hey, guys. It’s been a while, to say the least. And I must admit, I’m a little bit hurt at your wanton neglect. I was so lovingly crafted when you first moved in. You decorated me with glitter, laminated me, hell—you even gave me a functional spinner. I was supposed to usher in a new era of order, equality, and peace.

Do You Hear That Rattling? By: Dad, on the Annual Family Road Trip

Hmm, that’s odd. Hey, does anyone else hear that rattling sound? Tommy, is that you horsing around back there? Knock it off, it’s dangerous to distract the driver. Wait, it’s not you? Huh. Strange. Do you think it could be your sister’s computer knocking up against something? It’s gotta be an easy fix, I mean it just started. Honey, will you check if there

Gimme Dat Youth Vote! By: Rick Snyder, 48th Governor of Michigan

What’s cracking, you crazy kidz? I know what you’re thinking, who’s this old governor guy, and what’s he doing writing editorials in the newspaper? Heck, what’s a newspaper?! Amiright?! Srsly tho, I’ve got #election2014 coming up this year, and I wanted to be sure that all you ladies and germs in college know that you can come out and vote so long as

In Response To Declining Viewership, CNN To Reboot Highly-Rated War On Terror

Following the massively popular trend of remaking classic TV series and movies, CNN has announced plans to reboot the early 2000s ratings smash War On Terror. “Rebooting the popular shows of yesterday is big business right now,” CNN senior producer Susan Deforest said during the announcement’s press conference. “Look at 24, look at Heroes. This is what people want right now.” War On Terror, a

Alfalfa County, Oklahoma Residents Protesting New Stoplight Law, But You Won’t Hear About That on the News, Will You?

According to sources in Alfalfa County, Oklahoma, local residents have begun to protest the new local stoplight law, but with the liberal media yapping on about Venezuela and Ukraine it’s not like you’re ever going to hear about it anyhow. While good citizens like Ralph DelSignore and Margaret Tillman are simply fed up with the $15 increase in fines for running a red light,

George Lopez Retires ‘Latino’ Gimmick, Returns With New 3 Minute Special

Famous stand-up comedian George Lopez announced last Tuesday that he is toning down his ‘Hispanic’ image for his anticipated new special airing on HBO. After 25 years of picking apart his Mexican family and culture, Lopez returns this Saturday with all new topics for a hilarious, eye-opening 3 minutes and 20 seconds. “There is so much more to me than my ethnicity. I’m proud of

Atheist Uses Logic, Reason to Congratulate Self, Alienate Others

University of Cambridge student and atheist Justin Tannenbaum has been celebrated for telling absolutely everyone he encounters—regardless of if they want to hear it—that anyone who is not an atheist is a complete fucking idiot. For three years, Tannenbaum has worked tirelessly to structure his coursework, extracurriculars, and free time around an issue he’s extremely passionate about: the fact that God does

Pope Francis Attempts to Inspire Inner-city Youth with Power of Math

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In continuation of his unorthodox charitable acts, Pope Francis has accepted a job in Compton, Los Angeles teaching a group of tough-as-nails kids from the street remedial algebra. While Francis has waged considerable efforts against intolerance, economic injustice, and corruption within his own church, Vatican analysts have suggested that shaping this group of undisciplined students into responsible adults may be Francis’ toughest job

Getting Attacked by Hyenas While Sleeping Least of Somali Man’s Problems

Despite the constant threat of being viciously mauled by wild hyenas while he sleeps, Somali man Dalmar Samatar admitted that when considering the combination of extreme poverty, hunger, disease, oppression, lawlessness, and militant attacks, he has little time to concern himself with the very real threat of wild beasts tearing and gnawing at his vulnerable flesh. “Sure, several people in my village

Sophomore Stops Mid-Workout to Contemplate Own Mortality

Pretending that his shoulders were simply sore from multiple repetitions on the lat-pulldown machine, UM sophomore Kyree Holmes took a brief respite from his shoulders and pecs day workout once he realized he would die one day. “I don’t know, dude, I just suddenly thought like, ‘Why am I here? I have so few precious

Facebook Friends Thrilled to Be Invited to Pizza House Fundraiser

Sources report that Facebook friends of LSA sophomore Jamie Redmond were delighted upon receiving an invitation to a Pizza House fundraiser for her southeast Asian fusion dance team, Michigan Dazzle. LSA junior Kerry Vogel was one of the first to accept Redmond’s invitation. “I haven’t really talked to Jamie since we had class together last

Wendy’s Must be Using New Kind of Plastic in Their Straws, Reports Man Who Notices That Sort of Thing

According to Tampa, Florida resident Ron Davis, who is the type of person that tends to notice insignificant things like this, the local Wendy’s restaurant has begun using a new kind of plastic in their straws. The red stripe is definitely narrower than before,” said Davis, a man who devotes brainpower to this type of

Student Mistakenly Throws Himself in Front of TheRide in Order to Have Tuition Paid

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In a failed effort to achieve free tuition amidst mounting student debt, LSA sophomore Jeremy Levine shattered both his legal argument against the University and his pelvis by jumping in front of TheRide. “Ever since I heard the rumor about getting free tuition after getting hit by a University of Michigan bus, I knew that

Ask a Musher Fighting for First in The Iditarod

Dear Musher Fighting for First in The Iditarod, I’ve started to suspect that my best friend since 3rd grade has developed an eating disorder, and this wouldn’t be the first time. Four years ago I confronted her about her bulimia, and although she admitted it, she didn’t talk to me for a month. I’m afraid

Everyone Knows Crimea Just Likes the Attention: By Georgia

Remember when Russia used military force to seize me in 2008? I sure do. You just sat back and let it happen. It’s just a part of growing up, you said. Leave us alone, the international community is busy, go play with Armenia or Turkey. That’s what you told me, and I sucked it up and dealt with it. But

Let Steve Burke Woo You, Honey: By Steve Burke

Hey, baby. I know it’s only been a couple of days since we first met—since that fateful evening when you walked into the Club Sports Council meeting, representing the Women’s Synchronized Swimming team. You were so full of wonder, so full of life; with an ample bosom and an inquisitive mind. Now, baby, I finally have you and tonight, we shall make

OKCupid Launches “PrettyGoodCupid” for More Discerning Customers

Humor Rainbow, the company behind OKCupid, has announced plans to launch a new “PrettyGoodCupid” site for “more discerning” and “less desperate” singles. This new site will cater to a clientele who find themselves unsatisfied by what OKCupid has to offer. Said COO Damien Bronson of the launch, “We think that this move will bring in

Matthew McConaughey Wins Oscar for Incredibly Convincing Portrayal of Man With IQ over 75

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The 86th annual Academy Awards brought all of Hollywood out earlier this month to celebrate such highly acclaimed films as Gravity, the thrilling tale of people being able to stand looking at Sandra Bullock’s face for 91 consecutive minutes, and 12 Years A Slave (alternately titled White Guilt and Brad Pitt). The “Best Actor” award,

Spotify Knows How Jamie Is Really Taking Her Breakup

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YOUR FACEBOOK NEWSFEED—Friends of Jamie Sweetley believed that she was taking her separation from longtime boyfriend Henry Barton pretty well, until Tuesday when Facebook published Jamie’s recent Spotify sessions. “I was shocked,” says Sweetley’s best friend, Sandra Hendry. “I thought she was doing so well. She was practicing yoga three times a week, got this

New Realistically Proportioned Barbie Doll to Only Feature Outfits for Realistically Attainable Careers

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In an effort to promote healthy self-image among young girls, Mattel has decided to create a new Barbie doll that portrays the average woman by altering not only her unattainable bust-waist-hip ratio, but also her overly ambitious career choices. “We understand that young girls need positive images of normal women who they can look up

Local Woman Embarks on Relationship With Man Who Will Ruin All Other Men Forever

Ann Arbor resident Lisa Shields has recently entered into a relationship with local doctor, Todd Guser, a near-perfect man most notable for setting the dating expectations of Lisa Shields far too high, forever. During the course of their relationship, which began Tuesday and will be over before the end of May, Guser will offer Shields

He Definitely Saw That Spittle Fly Out of Your Mouth, and He Was Disgusted

A team of analysts have confirmed that during the conversation you had with that important man, he did notice how that little spurt of saliva sailed out of your mouth as you talked. Although you both opted to pretend as though you didn’t just eject an off-putting bodily fluid in the middle of your conversation,

Veterinarian of the Month Honored for Euthanizing Unprecedented 94 Dogs

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Rachel Stark, 29, recently received Richmond Animal Care’s award for Vet of the Month, after her stellar performance euthanizing 94 dogs in February. Stark’s boss, Leslie Offerman, offered high praise for Stark’s work. “Not only did she put down dozens upon dozens of dogs, she also did it with a great big smile on her

Report: Time Flies When You’re an LSA Senior Who Doesn’t Have Their Shit Together

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According to a recent study conducted at the ‘U,’ seniors graduating in May no longer have time to “figure it out,” find a job, or avoid the crippling depression characteristic of individuals with a useless degree and no purpose. After days of fundraising and preparation, scientists were able to determine this by collecting a random