New School of Information Major First U-M Program to Convey Information

UM, WE’RE NOT TOO GOOD WITH THE GEOGRAPHY – Following the exciting news that the University’s School of Information will allow undergraduates to concentrate in Information starting in Fall 2013, sources close to the Board of Regents explained that the change was enacted to combat the sheer amount of ignorance on campus, as part of

Muslim Brotherhood Earns Surprise Victory in CSG Election

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THE MICHIGAN UNION – After a long, arduous appeals process, late last night the Central Student Judiciary declared the Muslim Brotherhood the surprise victor in this year’s Central Student Government elections. Although stalwart political parties forUM and youMICH received more votes in the polls, both were eventually disqualified for violations of election-finance and shariah law.

Mysterious Malady Killing Off Bees, Rejoice Nation’s Pussies

OUTSIDE – Recent reports of widespread honeybee colony collapses were met with jubilant celebrations among the nation’s apiphobes, sissies, and all-around wimps, who view the demise of honeybee populations as liberation from the constant threat of being attacked by an animal they could easily kill with a rolled-up newspaper should they ever muster the courage.

Obituary: Congressional Gun Reform Dies After Agonizing Struggle with NRA

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WASHINGTON – Congressional Gun Reform, a package of bills that had shown such promise during its tragically short life, died on the floor of the Senate Monday night. It was four months old. Born in the dark hours following the Sandy Hook massacre in December, Gun Reform had a difficult childhood, and was frequently bullied

Reinventing Yourself Point-Counterpoint

POINT: Reinventing Yourself in the Movie Industry Isn’t That Hard Who would have guessed that the star of Gigli would win an Oscar after that debacle, am I right? But really though, I just hope my story or redemption is enough to propel struggling actors and actresses – I’m looking at you, Adam Sandler –

WANTED: Quiet, Considerate Resident to Sublet My Vagina, by Kelly

My previous tenant is moving to Arizona so I’m looking to rent out my vagina from August to August (2013-2014), but specific dates are negotiable. It is barely used, spacious, comfortable, and has a great view. In the summer it can get a bit muggy, but this is easily fixable for someone who knows how

Just Wanted to Remind You That Our HoneyBaked Goodness Survived the Recession

Whew! That was some roller-coaster ride, huh? The economy has been so unstable these past few years; it was almost tough for a pork-based specialty store to survive. But our loyal clientele and sweet, succulent hams, aided by our country’s fascination with ham-based holidays, really helped us pull through. I hope everybody else did okay.

Can We Please Focus on Something Other Than My Smoking Hot Bombshell of a Niece, Kate Upton?

I love serving our great nation as much as the next guy. But, as a lifelong civil servant with a decorated history, I am really growing tired of the fact that so much more attention is paid to my smoking, drop-dead-gorgeous niece, Kate, than to the important issues affecting our nation. I know, she’s the

Through Learning Not to Split His or Her Infinitives Haphazardly, a Student Will Begin to Produce Eventually Much Clearer Prose, as Compared to That of a Student Who Has Not Learned Not to Split His or Her Infinitives Haphazardly

Over the course of the past 20 years, this author has become increasingly concerned by the fact that the common student has failed to master sufficiently one of the most basic English grammatical rules: not to split infinitives in his or her sentences. This development has deeply troubled this observer, for this author does not

North Quad Flooding Fails to Destroy Dennison Building: Campus Laments Enduring Eyesore

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AN UNFORTUNATELY-STILL-EXTANT BUILDING – Much to the chagrin of students, faculty, and sighted people everywhere, last month’s flooding of the North Quad residence hall has failed to completely and utterly destroy the Dennison Building, the universally-loathed architectural disaster that continues to mock passersby with its enduring presence. “At first, when I heard that North Quad

Spanish 102 Students Forced to Translate Incredibly Disturbing Sentences: ‘Las Momias Comen Los Ninos,’ Reads Latest Homework

Sources confirm that students in Professor Todd Leonard’s Spanish 102 class are becoming increasingly disturbed by their homework assignments, which require them to translate sentences from Spanish to English and vice versa. While this is normally standard procedure for introductory-level Spanish courses, the coursework for Leonard’s class is reportedly “dark,” “chilling,” and “seriously fucked up.”

Graduating Senior Accepts Lucrative Offer of Unemployment in Detroit Suburb

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THE BOARDBEDROOM – After submitting countless job applications and weighing numerous competitive rejection offers, LSA senior Daniel Beamon finally accepted a position with 3900 Trout Creek Lane, an up-and-coming startup nestled in a quiet Rochester Hills subdivision, earlier this week. “I could’ve gone the Fortune 500 route, but I prefer the intimacy of a small,

Fraternity Pledge Spends Last Week of Semester Frantically Creating Sober Memories

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DELTA THETA BETA CHAPTER HOUSE – Upon realizing he would soon be responsible for recounting the events of his freshman year to his parents, Delta Theta Beta pledge Anthony Sullivan devised a plan to experience two semesters’ worth of family-appropriate memories in his last week on campus. Sullivan has routinely blacked-out at least three days

Attention-Starved Sophomore Hopes You Think She Had One-Night Stand

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Although LSA sophomore Amanda Morris regularly shows up to her morning classes wearing what is described as “a classic walk-of-shame outfit” – oversized men’s shirts, strappy stilettos, smudged makeup from the night before, and disheveled bedhead –  multiple sources have confirmed that there is actually not that much going on in her love life. “I

Student Unsure Why She’s Receiving Career Advice from Someone Who Could Only Find Work as a Career Advisor

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STUDENT ACTIVITIES BUILDING – Halfway through a meeting last week with a campus career counselor, LSA senior Candice Williams came to the startling realization that it might not be the best idea to solicit career advice from someone who could only obtain employment as a career counselor. According to Williams, she began questioning her decision

Graduating Senior Finally Starting to Figure Out This Whole ‘College’ Thing

CAMPUS – After four difficult years of adapting to college life, Engineering senior Patrick Fullham reports that, at long last, he has managed to piece together a balance among work, school, and social commitments in the final two weeks before his graduation. “Yeah, I feel like I’m finally locked into a schedule that works for

Repressed Psychosexual Fantasies Making Huge Comeback Among Intro Creative Writing Students, Reports English Professor

BACK IN YOUR MOTHER’S UTERUS – MFA candidate Martin Kohlberg reports that latent sexual desire is heavily influencing the writing of the students in his ENGLISH 225: Introduction to Creative Writing class. Kohlberg noted he is happy to see his students accepting this fact, even though most of them were completely unaware aware of the

Before We Conclude This Mass, I’d Like to Give a Couple of ‘Shout-Outs’

Brothers and sisters, I’d like to give a few words of thanks to some very special people before we end our service today. ‘Ayo, shout out to my crew first off. We got Father Clarence from Notre Dame of Saints, Ol’ Dirty Seminarian from Saint Peter’s, and Reverend Run from Run D.M.C. Second off, I

I’m Not So Sure About This ‘Michigan’ Place

So let me get this straight, Pat: last night, I flew 500 miles out of Newark, cancelled an alpha-hydroxy peel booked months in advance, and skipped what was arguably one of the most important PTA meetings of the year just to visit a school that won’t even hire a full-grown adult to lead the campus

I Told You I Wasn’t Guilty of Extortion Related to the Eastside Sewer-Repair Contract

Let me just start by saying that I know I’m not perfect. I’m not trying to claim that I am. Lord knows I’ve done my fair share of racketeering, bribery, wire fraud, tax fraud, mail fraud, extortion, attempted extortion, conspiracy, and attempted conspiracy. Yes, it’s true: I’ve committed extortion related to a city sewer-lining contract.

I May Be a Sex Addict, but I Still Get More Pussy Than You

Hello everybody. My name is Mark, and I’m a sex addict. For the past eight years, I’ve struggled with the demons of being addicted to sexual intercourse. I’ve lived a life of meaningless, shallow sex and fleeting relationships. And I’ve gotten laid soooooo many more times that you all have. My debilitating addiction has caused

For the Love of God, Just Kill Me

Hey, you there, with the muffin and the MacBook. Yes, you. I need you to do something for me without asking any questions. I need you to kill me. Why, you ask? Let me tell you a little story: When I rolled off the assembly line in South Korea five years ago, I was a

Ayatotally Khameineed the U.S. and Israel to Stop Threatening Our Nuclear Program

We here at the E3W typically don’t accept unsolicited submissions, but we do make an exception for the theocratic heads of state who may or may not have imprisoned two of our writers. We hope you enjoy this short article, which was written by the Grand Ayatollah of the Islamic Republic of Iran and budding

Cat Rescues Firefighter from Ground

CATHERINE ST. – In an act of selfless heroism, Mr. Chin, the adorable 12-pound tabby cat of Fred and Melissa LaGrange, rescued firefighter Thomas Lamont from an area sidewalk on Friday night. Lamont, who had been stuck at ground level for the last 35 years, said he was on the verge of panic until he

Genetically-Modified Apple Totally Harmless, Says Satan

Sources at a local Meijer have confirmed that Satan recently ascended from the depths of hell in order to tempt human beings with irresistible genetically-modified fruit. “Hey, anyone interested in some bright, shiny, totally not-unhealthy fruit with absolutely no negative consequences for human beings whatsoever?” asked Satan while standing in front of the non-organic produce

University Designates 6th Floor of Hatcher Library ‘Coitus Corridor’

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In response to complaints from students engaging in lewd sexual acts in the upper-floor rooms of the Hatcher Graduate Library, the University Board of Regents has sought out “manageable solutions” to meet the “high demand” for easily-accessible erotic chambers in campus facilities. “Students have a variety of different needs that we’d like to satisfy whenever

Student Applying for Multiple Externships Still Has No Clue What Externship Is

Ross sophomore Andy Carter recently admitted to friends, family, and everyone he knows besides recruiters for Boston Consulting Group that he has no idea what an externship is or what a position as an extern might entail. Carter has become increasingly worried about his ignorance of corporate summer-work programs ever since he began applying for

Local Idiom Found Dead in the Water

Investigators from the Ann Arbor Police Department are working around the clock and burning the midnight oil to close the case on why a local idiom turned up dead in the water Monday morning. An early-bird, local fisherman Bob Dawson, burst the bubble on the crime after he found himself far up the creek without

Life All Downhill for Fifth-Grade Reading Champ

NOT WHERE SHE EXPECTED TO BE, THAT’S FOR SURE ‒ From her room in the long-abandoned Baits I, total personal failure and LSA sophomore Carly Huffman reported Tuesday morning that her life had never before seemed like “such a complete and utter waste of time.” This realization marks the nadir of quite a fall for

Michigan RAs Form Secret ‘Social Justice League’ to Combat Evil Forces of White Male Privilege

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THE FORTRESS OF STIFLING POLITICAL CORRECTNESS – An elite group of genetically-unmodified campus Resident Advisors has recently joined together to form a band of vigilantes called the Social Justice League, according to sources deep within the Cave of Gender Neutrality. Citing the rampant spread of insensitive speech and incidents of hurt feelings, the shadowy League