Syrian Tourism Board Looks to Expand ‘Explore the Ruins’ Initiative

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DAMASCUS – With the recent discovery of a complex system of ruins throughout Syria’s northern region, the Syrian Tourism Board’s previously stagnant “Explore the Ruins” campaign is expected to undergo rapid expansion. The sites, many of which date back to the second Assad era of the third millennium A.D., came as a complete surprise to

John Kerry Getting Hooked on ‘Sex and the City’ DVDs Left Aboard State Department Jet

Senior officials confirm that newly-inducted Secretary of State John Kerry has become “very invested” in the Sex and the City DVD box set left aboard his government jet. As the United States’ top diplomat, Kerry spends much of his waking life in a security-enhanced Boeing 747, and when not catching up on sleep or preparing

Dell Computer Accidentally Purchased by Carl

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YPSILANTI – According to industry sources, area man Carl Stevenson recently purchased Dell Computer, Inc., the struggling PC maker, for $1535.67 after attempting to buy a new desktop on the company’s website. “I owned an Lenovo for a few years, but it died on me, so I needed to get a new computer,” said Carl.

Apparently Pro-Cancer Student Planning to Skip Relay for Life

WEST QUAD – Despite receiving numerous reminders to register as a volunteer for his floor’s Relay for Life team, LSA junior Sam Ogland has still not done so because, apparently, he enjoys living in a world where cancer wins. This year’s Relay for Life event will be held on April 20th. Ogland has made it

Floridian Student Unable to Distinguish Seasonal Depression from Dying

NETHERWORLD BETWEEN LIFE AND DEATH – Sources reported yesterday afternoon that LSA sophomore Brittany DeMaio, who hails from Tampa Bay and suffers from the depressive symptoms of seasonal affective disorder (SAD), is unable to distinguish between this condition and actually dying. DeMaio has not left her bed in over a week, as nearly two decades

Martial Law Declared in Bursley Dining Hall

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MURFIN AVENUE – Citing a “clear and present danger,” as well as a complete lack of order and control, Presidents Mary Sue Coleman and Barack Obama have jointly declared martial law in the Bursley Residence Hall dining area, move that many North Campus residents have been calling “a pleasant change” and “long overdue.” In a

Voice Major Aces Audition for Role of Most Annoying Roommate Ever

BURSLEY HALL – Freshman Lance Anders, a vocal-performance major from Piscataway, N.J., excitedly announced last Friday that he has been cast as “Unbearable Roommate Number 1” following a grueling audition process. The selection was made by the other inhabitant of Anders’ dorm room, LSA freshman Tom Primack, after Anders’ stellar rendition of “The Words From

Stock Market Soars on News of Stock Market Soaring

THE STOCK EXCHANGE – Equity markets rallied Friday after stronger-than-expected Friday stock action helped lift shares on Friday. Screens began flashing notification of large share purchases around 10:17 a.m., at which point the floor of the Exchange became a frenzy of activity. Shortly thereafter, it was revealed that many stocks had been purchased, which many

Pistorius Overcomes Adversity, Becomes First Double-Amputee Olympian to Murder Girlfriend

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JOHANNESBURG CITY PRISON, HANDICAP BLOCK – Oscar Pistorius, the first athlete without legs to compete in the Olympic Games, also became the first athlete without legs to brutally murder his girlfriend early Thursday morning. In a feat many have described as “nothing short of extraordinary,” Pistorius recorded the first sub-4.2-second bed-to-bathroom-sprint-with-pistol-in-hand. His achievement is an

NHL Owners, Players Agree to Share Whatever Profits They Can Manage to Earn Until Next Lockout

PENALTY BOX – After nearly four months of negotiations, countless arbitration meetings, and five boardroom-clearing brawls, the NHL Players’ Association and league owners agreed to a profit-sharing deal that will fairly distribute the $115 the league as a whole will make this year after pissing off its entire fan base. Despite the financial difficulties faced

Hugo Chavez Joins Fidel Castro at Exclusive Resort for Ailing Autocrats

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‘They Are Definitely Not Dead,’ State Media Reports HAVANA – Despite missing his fourth inauguration to undergo cancer-related surgery in Cuba, Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez is reportedly doing “muy bien” at the island’s premier getaway for socialist despots who just can’t seem to die. Chavez, who has not been seen or heard from since early

From Our Well-Intentioned Japanese News Bureau: Noh Hwan Inducted into MLB Hall of Fame

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KYODO TSUSHIN / KYODO NEWS AGENCY – Capping one of the most illustrious careers in modern Japanese sports, the prolific utility infielder/outfielder/pitcher Noh Hwan was recently inducted into the U.S. National Baseball Hall of Fame, marking a great sporting achievement for our nation. After starting his career with Hiroshima Half-Lifes in 1992, Noh Hwan made

Braxton Miller Displays New Affinity for Girls with Poor Driving Skills, Leukemia

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COLUMBUS, Ohio – According to sources inside the huddle, 2013 Ohio State Heisman hopeful Braxton Miller has recently been seen at local bars approaching girls with pasty skin and short-to-no hair. Miller’s teammates report that this new behavior does not surprise them, as it is merely further evidence of the star quarterback’s “undying selflessness and

Why Snapchat® is God’s Chosen Way to Touch Our Youth

For too many years, the Holy See has struggled to truly connect with the youth of the world. Verily, though, by the grace of God, His Holiness and a team of Godless app developers in California have delivered unto us a wondrous creation, a magical wonder that allows the Catholic Church to touch the young

2012 ‘Academy Awards’ Frontrunner for 2013 Academy Awards Awards

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HOLLYWOOD – Excitement is building in Tinseltown as leading figures in the awards industry prepare to present the Academy Awards Awards, honoring the finest in award shows all around the globe. Daytime Emmy, the 2005 recipient of the Best Awards Show in a Supporting Role Award, is slated to host. Speculation as to what will

Student Speed Dating ‘Just For Fun’ Definitely Not Looking for Soulmate

Friends and family members of LSA junior Malcolm Astin are growing concerned over his increasingly hopeful attitude towards a University-sponsored speed-dating event, which he is futilely attempting to disguise with generous amounts of sarcasm. “I just don’t get what the big deal is. I saw the flyer and thought it would be good for a

Reading Sent Email Proves Absolutely Horrifying Experience for Area Student

HONORS COMMONS – Sources confirmed Wednesday that LSA sophomore Jacob Turner’s recent experience of reading a sent email proved to be one of the greatest emotional traumas of his incredibly sheltered lifetime. The email was sent by Turner to his philosophy professor, Dr. Jeffrey Lewis, late on Tuesday night. When Turner pulled it up by

Local Entrepreneur Just Some Guy with Shitty Ideas

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MPOWERED MEETING – Sources close to Ross School of Business junior Vik Patel, a self-described “entrepreneur” and “do-it-yourself businessman,” reported Monday that he is, in fact, just another guy with some really shitty business ideas. In an exclusive interview, Patel explained that he is a “free thinker” who has a number of ideas for start-up

Dining Hall Employee Fucking Thrilled to Serve You

HILL DINING CENTER – Sources confirmed recently that part-time dining hall employee LSA junior Shawn Kramer is “100 percent head-over-heels absolutely overjoyed to serve you this fine evening.” Kramer, a molecular biology major with a minor in Spanish, reportedly experiences “an unmitigated surge of pure fucking bliss” upon seeing you approach his station at the

Neighbor Thought to Be Having Awesome Sex Actually Just into Loud Porn

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6TH FLOOR, SOUTH QUAD – Sophomore Ted Layden came to the startling realization last afternoon that his neighbor may not be having mind-blowing sex 24 hours a day, but rather probably just doesn’t own a pair of headphones. “I think I grew kind of suspicious when I heard a woman screaming ‘Fuck me Carlos and

South Quad RAs Declare Sparsely-Attended Social Justice Dance Party ‘Total Blast’

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90% EMPTY ROOM – As a prelude to February’s annual celebration of African-American history and culture, the University of Michigan Division of Student Affairs held its inaugural, ill-attended Social Justice-Themed Dance Party in the Michigan League last Monday in memory of the Reverend Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Sources from inside the event reported that

Ray Lewis Announces Retirement, Vows Never to Murder Another Human Being Again

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BALTIMORE – Ray Lewis, the All-American cold-blooded killer who was named to 11 Pro Death teams over the course of an illustrious career, announced his retirement at a press conference on Tuesday. Lewis retires in possession of the individual records for Body-Sacks Filled, Forced Fatalities, Expirations, and YAC (Yelps of pain After Contact with knife).

International Community Softly Knocks on Syria’s Door and Asks “Everything All Right in There?”

SUBSIDIZED HOUSING, MIDDLE EAST SIDE – In response to loud banging heard coming from Syria’s apartment, the international community quickly hurried to the country’s door and debated quietly about what to do before awkwardly tapping on the door frame and inquiring whether anything was amiss. Syria’s next-door neighbors, Turkey and Jordan, reported that they heard

‘Jews in the Modern World’ Guest Lecturer Unexpectedly Replaced with Giant Mirror

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DEPARTMENT OF JUDAIC STUDIES – Sources confirmed Tuesday that Ronit Lisker, the instructor for JUDAIC 281: Jews in the Modern World, surprised students last week by substituting a giant mirror in place of the planned speaker, Dr. Barry Armovitz. Reportedly, the substitution is part of a broader effort to promote experiential learning in the department:

Netanyahu Peer-Pressures Obama into Prank-Calling, Bombing Iran

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According to government insiders, the Obama administration’s increasingly hawkish stance towards Iran in recent months has come mainly as a result of President Obama’s “childish desire” to make friends with Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin “Bibi Gun” Netanyahu. The roots of this relationship can be traced as far back as a June 2009 joint press conference

Everything Is a Phallic Symbol

Wake up, sheeple. I should hope that at this point everyone realizes we live in a heteronormative white patriarchal cissexual male society, but do you actually realize how often we are subconsciously bombarded with images that reinforce this on a day-to-day basis? Of course not. You just go on sucking it all in, like a

The Worst Thing About Adidas is Definitely That Their Jerseys Rip

I was never more disappointed than when I heard the most recent news about the University of Michigan and their athletic contract with Adidas. I mean, ripping basketball jerseys?! I’ve never heard of a greater atrocity in all my life. Adidas should be ashamed. I for one seriously considered leaving my position at the sweatshop

Hands Down, Jim’s My Favorite

As the mother of two incredibly successful football coaches who are set to square off in the most important game of the year, I’m often asked what I’m thinking when I’m watching them play. The answer is very simple: while they are both my sons, and I care about them both deeply, Jim is by