Pope Francis Spoils Dramatic Conclusion of Hit TV Series ‘The Bible’

JOHN 3:16 – Fans of the History Channel’s popular fantasy epic The Bible unexpectedly found themselves treated to a slew of plot spoilers earlier this month during the televised broadcast of Pope Francis’s inaugural homily. To the dismay of millions watching, the pope formerly known as Jorge Mario Bergoglio revealed a number of The Bible’s

Athletic Department Launches Second ‘HAIL’ App to Reward Athletes for Class Attendance

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Following the Honoring Attendance, Involvement, and Loyalty app’s overwhelming success in drawing students to University athletic events, the University Athletic Department is launching a brand-new version of HAIL intended to draw athletes to academic events, such as class. The new version of HAIL ‒ which now stands for Honoring Attendance, In-Class-Beingness, and (Hopefully) Learning ‒

BuzzFeed User Unsure Whether Post on Congolese Civil War ‘OMG,’ ‘Eww,’ or ‘WTF’

Sources confirmed Wednesday that Mary Keating, an Ann Arbor resident and frequent user of the crowdsourced viral content blog BuzzFeed, was deeply confused when she attempted to react to a trending article regarding the ongoing Congolese civil war in terms of the site’s relevant “Boost” categories, “OMG,” “Eww,” and “WTF.” “Those really gory pics of

Obama’s College Bong a Horcrux, Drunk Biden Reveals

WASHINGTON D.C. – Late last night, Vice President Joe Biden loudly alleged to reporters and customers at Bobby’s Bar & Grill that Barack Obama’s well-worn college bong contains a piece of the president’s soul. Better known as a “horcrux,” the bong could be just one of several soul fragments hidden around the world to prevent

Twitter Blows Up After Leaked Pictures of Kate Middleton’s Baby Room Surface: 5000 B-List Celebrities Killed in Blast

Earlier this week, E!HollywoodNews.com posted leaked images of Kate Middleton’s nursery room, leading to a sustained flurry of Twitter activity that ultimately caused the social media site’s servers to combust. Reports indicate that the Internet-wide conflagration has caused unthinkable carnage to offices and personal workspaces around the world. Authorities estimate that the series of blasts

Nike Still Looking for Endorsable Athlete Who Is Not Cheater, Sex Addict, or Murderer

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BEAVERTON, Oregon – Nike Inc. spokesperson Andres Edgerton admitted Tuesday afternoon that the sports apparel manufacturer is still searching for a halfway-decent athlete to associate itself with in light of the murder charges facing Oscar Pistorius, the revelations of Tiger Woods’ sexual infidelity, and the public disclosure that Lance Armstrong is a complete and utter

Heroic YouTube Viewer Comments on Music Video with Lyrics

The Internet rejoiced Monday morning after a user posted a verbatim line from Gotye’s “Somebody That I Used to Know” in its comments section on YouTube. The posting user, known only as Cr4bapple, has since garnered praise from many regular comment-section participants. Sources say the comment, “now ur just somebody that i used 2 no,”

NCAA President Looking Forward to Someday Vacating All of Calipari’s Seasons at Kentucky Besides this One

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THE NIT, THE GODDAMN NIT! – Sources report that NCAA President Mark Emmert has spent countless hours giggling to himself during the past week, repeatedly reminding himself that he will someday get to vacate every one of University of Kentucky head coach John Calipari’s seasons except perhaps just this one. Emmert has repeatedly mumbled under

Ghost of Ronald Reagan Returns to Realm of the Living to Encourage Republicans to Move On

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Amid eerie noises and creaking floorboards, the spectre of Ronald Reagan transcended the limits of life and death on Tuesday as his floating translucent figure appeared in front of Congressional Republicans to encourage them to revamp their political strategy. The GOP has mourned the loss of President Reagan since his death in 2004 and has

Detroit to Get Manager

LANSING – Heralding the arrival of a new era for the troubled city, Governor Rick Snyder announced on Tuesday that he had appointed the first manager in Detroit’s checkered history. “The time has come for Michigan’s largest city to be managed, by a manager,” said the governor at a press conference in front of the

Here Is an Article that Offends No One

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Here at the Every Three Weekly, we often receive complaints about our treatment of certain contentious issues. In response to concerns that this newspaper’s content may be troubling to some, we are happy to announce that we will soon begin printing more articles that will in no way push any envelopes, investigate social issues, or

GE Overseas Profit Controversy Welcome Distraction from GE Underseas Profit Hiding

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MARIANAS TRENCH NATIONAL BANK‒ In response to persistent criticism about a policy that requires it to keep billions of dollars in offshore bank accounts, the General Electric Company held a press conference on the deck of one of its aircraft carriers here yesterday to clear the air. “It was never our intention to avoid paying

Israel to Expand Wildlife Preserves by Demolishing Palestinian Settlements

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SWAMPY AREA FORMERLY KNOWN AS GAZA – According to a recent statement released by the prime minister’s office, the Israeli government is planning to undertake a massive wildlife restoration project aimed at expanding the wetlands in the eastern, western, and especially southwestern portions of the Jewish state. Showing a commitment to wildlife normally not displayed

Alleged Bin Laden Relative Pleads ‘Not Bin Laden’ in Terrorism Case

NEW YORK FEDERAL COURT – Sulaiman Abu Ghaith, the alleged son-in-law of the deceased al-Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden, entered a plea of “not guilty by reason of not being Osama bin Laden” in open court here on Monday. “That guy who masterminded every element of the 9/11 attacks? Yeah, I’m not him.” said the

Kim Jong-Un Asks to Invade ‘Just the Tip’ of South Korea

Rather than declare a full-on war against his northern neighbor in an effort to reunify the divided peninsula, North Korean leader Kim Jong-Un is now trying to convince South Korea to at least allow him to pursue a strategy of partial penetration. “Look, I recognize that I may have been pressuring you into a little

Sadomasochism Freak with Al Qaeda Ties Just Begging for Another Round of Torture

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DINGY TORTURE CHAMBER/SEX DUNGEON ‒ Iraqi police confirmed yesterday that its interrogators have taken the day off from interrogation to brainstorm a new way to break the spirit of an unnamed Al Qaeda captive who is aroused by S&M, as well as every interrogation tactic they have attempted. “You know the drill,” said Fariq Abdelquadur,

‘We Found Nothing of Interest in Mysterious Ancient Antarctic Lake,’ Say Shifty-Eyed Russian Scientists

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LAKE VOSTOK, Antarctica – Rapidly moving their heads from side to side and emitting a strange green glow, Russian scientists announced today that they had found “nothing of note” during their decade-long research into this subsurface Antarctic lake, which was once thought to harbor exotic ancient life-forms. “There are no organisms living in Lake Vostok.

Pelican-Americans Demand New Orleans Name Change

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WAXAHATCHEE WILDLIFE RESERVATION – Native Pelican-Americans are “up in wings” over the recent announcement that the New Orleans Hornets, an NBA team, will be renaming themselves the Pelicans starting next season. Although the name change had long been rumored, the announcement sparked a major uproar. “In the 21st century, the marginalization of minorities remains a

George R. R. Martin Planning to Kill Self Off Before Completing ‘Game of Thrones’

A SMALL STUDIO APARTMENT, EAST WESTEROS – Sources close to the acclaimed writer George R. R. Martin, author of the famous Song of Fire and Ice series, which includes the novels A Game of Thrones, A Clash of Kings, and A Gangbang of Sequels, report that Martin may purposefully cause his own death before he

New Bed, Bath, & Beyoncé Retail Outlet to Target Pop-Singer Demographic

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DESTINY’S AISLE – Steven H. Temares, CEO of national retailer Bed, Bath, & Beyond, announced earlier this week that he plans to open a sister store named Bed, Bath, & Beyoncé. With this new line of stores, the retailer hopes to target consumers who never shopped at its other outlets, including successful African-American pop divas,

GOP Says Semen-Soaked Tissue Has ‘Right to Live’

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THE CRADLE OF LIFE – LSA sophomore Jake Bess ejaculated into a tissue early Wednesday morning, unwittingly setting off a firestorm of controversy that would quickly reach the nation’s capital. “I had just finished my nightly ‘flog of the log’ and was wiping off the ol’ equipment with a tissue,” said Bess. “But before I

Kanye West, Kim Kardashian Attempt to Patent Creation of Zygotes

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In a move that has been called expected, egocentric couple Kanye West and Kim Kardashian have registered a request with the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office to copyright the process of joining two gamete cells through sexual intercourse. “Listen y’all,” said West, “all y’all better cease and desist from engaging in any interpersonal sexual activity

Women Earn Right to Die for Country: Still Waiting on Right to Not Be Treated Like Shit

AMERICA – Women nationwide were thrilled to celebrate a huge victory for equality as the Pentagon lifted its ban barring them from combat, although they still admit that it would be “pretty nice” to eventually be treated like human beings. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m really grateful,” said Navy Pfc. Shauna Winters. “I feel like

Sexual-Intimacy Metaphor to Abandon Baseball Terminology, Embrace Gymnastics

Sources confirmed yesterday that America’s widely-used baseball sex metaphor, which employs terms such as “first base,” “third base,” and “anal base” as euphemisms for levels of sexual contact, will soon be replaced with an elaborate new gymnastics analogy. By judging all performers on a scale from one to 10 and taking into account not only

Student from Upper Peninsula Doesn’t Understand People’s Problem with Snow

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ANN ARBOR – Although recent sub-zero temperatures and frigid winds have broken the spirits of students across campus, especially that kid on your floor from California who didn’t know what frostbite was before having his foot amputated last January, Engineering sophomore Abe Augustuske has been seen around campus wearing nothing more than pants and a

Colorful Lights at Children’s Hospital Not Doing Much for Dying Child: ‘I Am Still Going to Die Very Soon,’ Says Child

THE PRECIPICE OF DEATH – Despite the constant, effervescent glow of brilliant blue, green, and turquoise light that emanates from the ceiling of the main lobby of C.S. Mott Children’s Hospital, fifth grader and terminal cancer patient Bobby Hughes, age 10, continues to face almost certain death in the near future. “I think they’re doing

GSI Accidentally Fills CTools Resources Folder with Entire Fifth Season of ‘Entourage’

POLSCI 353 COURSE SITE – Exclusive sources with intimate access to the CTools site for POLSCI 353: American Constitutional Politics confirmed that instead of uploading Thursday’s slides on the Electoral College and party nominations, GSI Greg Carrol instead loaded the class folders with media from his own personal iTunes library, including 4 GB of music

Annoying Friend Has Uncanny Ability to Cling to Group

Engineering freshman Adam Barillas has demonstrated uncanny skill at remaining in his friend group despite the group’s ongoing efforts to oust him. To date, Barillas, who has been described as “clingy,” “attention-seeking,” and “insufferably wracked with abandonment issues” by those who like him best, has managed to make it through at least seven different attempts

Ask a Student Who’s About to Find Out He Got Deferred

Dear Student Who’s About to Find Out He Got Deferred, I’m a freshman now in my second semester at the University and I love it here. I’ve met lots of new friends, but I really want a relationship right now. I met an awesome girl at a party recently, but she goes to school an

My Life is So Part-Time College!

Oh my Lord, Sarah, did I tell you about what I did last night? I got so wasted – we invented this drinking game where you have to take a sip of pinot grigio anytime anybody mentions an aspect of the Reagan years you liked the best. I must have drained an entire two glasses