Showtime Execs Plan to Use More Sex in Marketing for Masters of Sex

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Citing lackluster ratings for their new Sunday night drama Masters of Sex, corporate executives at the Showtime network plan to “really up the sexual ante” in their future marketing strategy. “Sure, it’s in the title, it’s a central theme in the show, and most episodes feature graphic nudity, but I’m not sure that people understand

Lazy Libertarian Probably Just Giving Relatives Bitcoins For Christmas

Joe Perry, notable to friends and family for his distrust of government institutions and extreme laziness in the face of gift-giving, announced Thursday that every single one of his holiday gifts would consist of a card stuffed with different denotations of Bitcoins, the digital P2P currency lacking any institutional oversight. “In the past I’ve taken

Sophomore’s Alone Time Ruined By Girlfriend’s Search Party

BEHIND A TREE IN THE ARB— University Police announced yesterday that sophomore Jason Welles, who had been declared missing since Monday, was recently found alive and well. Welles claiming to have ventured into the Arb to “get some time to himself,” was found after Stephanie Graham, his girlfriend of three months, rallied the local police

Crime Notes, The Michigan Daily “An Ugli Crime”. S3/E12

ugli crime

Many thought they had seen Crime Notes’ best work after last week’s stunning cliffhanger left viewers wondering whether or not this season’s lovable antagonist, 5’6” to 6’3” black male, would return Hannah Cohen’s 15” MacBook pro after discovering that it was registered with campus security. Viewers’ fears were resoundingly quashed when the most recent episode,

UHS to Offer Telephone Promo in Which Lucky 9th Caller Actually Gets Medical Attention They Require

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To celebrate its 100th anniversary, University Health Services is planning several special events, one of which will reportedly include—for a limited time only—actually tending to ill students. Beginning this month, the campus medical care center will run a telephone-based promotion in which students placing calls to the reception desk will have a chance to be

Government Announces It Has Been Fucking With Us the Whole Time

government pranks

According to various sources within the world’s most powerful state, the United States Government has been operating since 1945 with the sole goal of fucking with us. “I was appalled that the city of Detroit would cut retiree compensation,” commented retired city worker Dale Summers. “I put in 35 years of honest hard work, so

Entire Male Student Body Convinced It Could Have Future In Standup Comedy

standup

VARIOUS CAMPUS LOCALES – The entirety of the University of Michigan’s male student population has declared that it could easily tell jokes in front of a live audience. Although male students are pretty sure they will be all right with their chosen major, they are confident that they have a rapier wit, a near-perfect sense

Campus Voices – November 2013

Sophomore Leaves Sorority for More Independent Lifestyle, Joins Cult

Bean right after her cult's sacrificial rituals, which make Theta Kappa Gamma's look tame in comparison.

SOLAR TEMPLE—Sophomore Stacey Bean has officially left the Theta Kappa Gamma Sorority to further pursue her interests in the Order of the Solar Temple, a local organization dedicated to friendship and higher meaning/ cult. In search of a stronger sense of self and more autonomy with her life, Bean decided to leave her sorority sisters

GSI’s Ability to Advance Science Hindered by Inability to Speak English

Sources report that chemistry GSI Stacy’s unparalleled ability to perform research, contextualize data, and advance chemical engineering is seriously hindered by her inability to speak conversational English. The 24-year-old Stacy, with an unpronounceable first and last name, who excelled at science from a young age, achieved perfect scores on her country’s college entrance exam, and