Student Suddenly Realizes Others Can Hear Him Sing, Despite Earbuds

After a particularly turbulent bus ride dislodged LSA junior David Brown’s earbuds, he realized with horror that he, and by extension all others around him, could hear him loudly belting out “Let it Go” from the Frozen soundtrack. A still startled Brown then proceeded to apologize to the entire bus for disturbing them. “Jesus, talk about embarrassing!” Brown explained. “I had no idea

Why Not Host the Super Bowl in Our Freezing, Post-Industrial Shithole of a Town? By James L. Cassella, Mayor of East Rutherford, NJ

The Super Bowl is one of America’s greatest national pastimes. Accordingly, the Big Game has usually taken place in tolerable, temperate climates like Florida, Louisiana, and California. Over the years, we’ve simply taken for granted the idea that a great game has to happen in a great place—like Miami, San Diego, or Tampa. But, as the Mayor of East Rutherford, New Jersey, I’ve

Where’s My Memorial? By Ted Kennedy

I was thinking the other day. My brother John has a memorial. My brother Bobby has a memorial. And honestly? They didn’t do much. Shit, getting killed was the best thing for their legacies. Meanwhile, I’m still waiting. I’ve been dead for what, like four years now? It’s about time. We all know John would not be so beloved if he

Sigourney Weaver is My Badass Alter-Ego, by Susan Sarandon

Friends, relatives, respected members of the Screen Actors Guild… I need to get something off my chest. For decades I’ve been perpetuating a lie. I must be honest: it has served me well, but it’s gone too far. It’s high time I come out and say it: I have been living a double life as the fictitious Sigourney Weaver. Much as

Local Teen Shocked to Learn She’s Not The Only One Who Feels This Way

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LIKE IT EVEN MATTERS—Local teen Alexa Troutman was reportedly astounded to discover last Thursday that she is not, in fact, the only person in the entire world who feels this way. Troutman says the revelation struck her on Monday, while sitting alone at a table in the lunchroom, listening to Mayday Parade and covering her

Beard Rescues Pudgy Man’s Jawline from Lifetime of Obscurity

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Area chubster Darren Malone was relieved to wake up last Wednesday morning and find that his ever-disappearing jawline is once again visible thanks to his facial hair. “I’ve put on a lot of weight lately,” Malone explained, “and I had been starting to worry about my primary chin getting lost in the successive ones.” Upon seeing

Area Workingman Fails to Realize ‘Ivory Tower’ is a Metaphor

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According to insider reports Hoboken, NJ electrician James Lundgren is an honest working man fighting for his rights, but his efforts may be misplaced as he does not realize the concept of “ivory tower” elites is only a metaphor. “The nerve of those billionaire bankers and liberal Hollywood scumbags, living the high life in a

National Anti-Bullying Campaign Encourages Personalized, Verbal Critiques to Combat Bullies

TOPEKA, KS—The National Anti Bullying Organization’s headquarters recently hosted a group of more than 300 high school students to partake in the foundation’s inaugural “We Will” campaign. The program, aimed at informing students on how to prevent bullying in their own schools, taught attendees to be “patient and confident; ruthless and unmerciful.” “We want students

University of Colorado Boulder Receiving More Applications Than Ever Before

The Board of Regents at the University of Colorado Boulder is stumped as to why the Colorado school has received more applications in the past month than were received during the past 2013 calendar year altogether. “I don’t get what’s so different,” responds a staff member at UC- Boulder’s office of admissions. “According to many

Local Halfwit Bedeviled by His Word-of-the-Day Calendar

Thanks to his 2014 word-of-the-day calendar, local man Bert Vaughn is out to prove that all prior assumptions about his lack of smarts are simply untrue. The daily calendar features a new vocabulary word and definition on each page, and Vaughn claims that it will “metamorphose [his] life, probably.” “People never really thought I was