God Admits He Only Cares About Sports, Latin Grammys

BEYOND THE PEARLY GATES— As the world continues to crumble into despair, heavenly sources confirmed that God, Divine Ruler of the Universe and Creator of the Fruit of the Vine, carries out his sacred duties with exclusively two concerns: professional athletics, and outstanding achievements in recorded music as recognized by the Latin Academy of Recording

In World of Pedophiles and Murderers, Student Directs All Hatred Towards OSU

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With the November 30th rivalry game between Michigan and Ohio State University rapidly approaching, Ross sophomore Sam Alfarzi has been nearly unable to talk about anything lately except for his intense loathing of the OSU football team; completely ignoring things far more deserving of his contempt such as child molesters, killers, institutional racism, and cancer,

Bored, Obese Nation Decides to Give Pretzel Buns a Try

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In a weekend press conference, Tom Wheatland, national spokesperson for the American Alliance For the Bored and Obese, announced to eager reporters and restaurant insiders that 2013 will be the year that we all give Pretzel Buns a try. After Chili’s, Sonic, Wendy’s, Ruby Tuesday, Dunkin’ Donuts, Red Robin, and others introduced Pretzel Buns this

Citizen Kane Voted Best Movie Of All Time You Haven’t Seen Yet, You Uncultured Piece of Shit

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On November 11, the American Film Institute re-released their list of the top 100 movies of all time. Juried by 1,500 film artists and critics, the list is headed by Citizen Kane, the 1941 classic you haven’t even bothered to see because, let’s face it, you’re a lazy piece of shit who lacks any modicum

Literary Plagiarizers Penetrate Hard and Deep into Erotica Genre

Amazon.com released in a report last week that erotica is one of the most frequently plagiarized genres due to lax online copyright laws. Understandably, authors are upset, with many arguing that plagiarizers have soiled the reputation of a classic, timeless genre. “Frankly, I’m just insulted,” sighed Sharon Miller, a 49-year-old erotica author. “There’s another so-called

World Leaders Ignoring NSA Google+ Circle Invitation

According to internal documents released by the NSA, the American spy agency accused of unconscionable spying on foreign and domestic targets, world leaders are giving the agency the cold shoulder by consistently refusing it’s Google Plus Circle invitations. “It’s as if they think we don’t have feelings,” said NSA engineer William Locker while hacking into

Report: Ailing City of Detroit in Dire Need of More Community-Based Internships

A study released by the University of Michigan’s Institute for Social Research yesterday found that the ailing city of Detroit’s most pressing social, political, and economic issues would be most effectively addressed by the temporary, sporadic presence of bright-eyed college undergraduates who lack both a basic knowledge of the city and the competence to do

Swiffer Helps Elderly Couple Sweep Away Signs of Their Inevitable Decay

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Lee and Morty Kaufman, the 90-year-old couple prominently featured in ads for Swiffer, were amazed and delighted by the products’ abilities to effectively attract and clean the signs of their own impending atrophy. “They say that dust is made up of dead skin cells, and nobody has more dead skin cells then Morty and me,”

Point, Counterpoint: Ask-a-Librarian

Point: Great for Late Nights I’m a hard worker. I like to get stuff done and usually leave the UGLi around one or two in the morning. Nothing helps me get through those early morning hours more than Ask-a-Librarian. Seriously you guys, the site is incredible. Sometimes I really just need some help and can’t turn anywhere else. And whenever I am stressed

Oh the Shit I’ve Seen, by That Volleyball Net

I’ve seen things. Horrible things. I was just a naive young volleyball net once. Eager to help people play a sport, have a fun time, maybe make some new friends. But now I’m a shell of the net I once was. The spark beaten out of me by half full red solo cups and empty bottles of Axe body spray.

Of Course I Meant What I Wrote, by James Madison

There has been a lot of talk about Second Amendment rights lately. A wide range of politicians claim that I, James Madison, father of The Constitution and The Bill of Rights, would agree with their stance on gun control. I have decided to take this opportunity to reiterate exactly what I wrote in 1789. Every white male, regardless of mental state, has

Stop Using My Drugs: an Intervention Letter by Kevin’s Roommate

Kevin, I’ll start this by saying that this is coming from a place of love and that I care very deeply about you. However, I can’t say I love you all the time, especially when I know you’ve been stealing my drugs. I’m here, writing this, because you have a problem. I’ll just say it: if you’re going to use my

Nation Now Aware of Breast Cancer Unsure What to Do Next

A new survey published by the National Breast Cancer Foundation found that thanks to countless breast cancer awareness months and nationwide pink ribbon campaigns, 99 percent of Americans are now aware of breast cancer. While the NBCF celebrates a record high level of awareness, administrators admit that they’re not quite sure what the next step

Overweight Man Bids Adieu to Penis Until Spring

With his Holiday season weight gain well underway, local chubber Nate Wertz is counting down the days until the months of watching football, eating and napping cause his ever-expanding stomach to eclipse his sad, pathetic little penis. “I think the eclipse might come a little early this year, Halloween was really productive and I think

Nation’s Students Eagerly Await Black Friday Break

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This year’s Black Friday Break, scheduled to begin at 5:00pm on November 27, according to many University students, cannot come soon enough. Regardless of whether they plan to spend their break in hours-long lines at Best Buy, Walmart, or Old Navy, students like freshman Evan DeYoung, are just ready to get home. Stressing the importance

Obama Refuses to Pardon White House Turkey, Strangles It While Daughters Look On

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During a televised ceremony in the White House Rose Garden, a visibly exasperated President Obama parted with decades of presidential tradition by refusing to pardon 2013’s Thanksgiving turkey. The Turkey Presentation ceremony, which dates back to the Truman administration, dictates that the president offer a “pardon” to a selected turkey in the lead up to

Man Realizes He’s Made a Horrible Mistake Moments Before Pushing Wrong Side of Door

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A STORE WITHOUT AUTOMATIC DOORS—Tragedy ensued as a man tried to open the wrong side of the door at a local Tea Haus Tuesday afternoon. Frank Neville, a middle-aged Caucasian man with an affinity for overpriced oolong and catching on to trends late, says he realized something was terribly wrong milliseconds after he began pushing

Man Accepts Unpaid Internship as Boyfriend

After being turned down for several paid positions over the summer, LSA Junior Andrew Beltran has finally decided to accept an unpaid internship as “Boyfriend to Sophomore Kelly Hill”. Beltran announced this important career decision via Facebook Thursday night to a slew of “likes”, and several comments inquiring about his new duties. Beltran confirmed that

Houston Sick and Tired of Hearing About Your Problems

The city of Houston is experiencing widespread irritation at being America’s longtime sounding board. “We have our own problems, you know,” said Mayor Annise Parker. “We say y’all completely seriously. Same thing with wearing cowboy boots.” Researchers have yet to determine why Americans have deemed Houston, a city that shuts down at even the slightest

Sir Isaac Newton Live Blogs Scientific Inaccuracies of Gravity

RAVE CINEMAS – As of this moment, I, Sir Isaac Newton, am being led by several representatives of something called “The Warner Brother Picture Company”, into some sort of dark theatre. Oh my, if these are not the most comfortable chairs that I have had the pleasure to sit upon. I am told that the

It’s Chilly Out There, Don’t You Think You Should Put on a Sweater? by Your Older, More Experienced Sophomore Roommate

Have you checked the weather today? I’m just sayin’, because I know you’re new to Michigan, so you don’t get how crazy the weather can be. I know it was 70 degrees yesterday, but damn, today it is cold – like 58-degrees-cold. Yeah, you’re definitely not in Wisconsin anymore. Hold on, hold on – please

I Know You Didn’t Throw that Ball, by an Irate Dog

Dear Ted, I’d like to take a moment to address a situation that occurred at approximately 5:34 PM yesterday evening. It was just one in a line of many such occurrences, and frankly, it has become not only distasteful but downright rude. Do you honestly believe yourself to be such a masterful disguiser of the

Super Excited Mitch McGary Tweets Chance Encounter with Markley Hall Council President

Michigan Sophomore Mitch McGary tweeted his delight after a chance encounter with Markley Hall Council President Andrew Blumenthal. McGary, who describes himself as “a Markley Hall Council super fan,” recently tweeted, “OMG Mark Hall Prez Andrew Blumenthal took seat next to me in Chipotle #freakingout’” The preseason All-American basketball player admitted the experience had left

Gatorade Cured My Neck Cancer, By Peyton Manning

Hey y’all, it’s me, Peyton, the quarterback of the Denver Broncos, who has thrown for something like a league leading 16 touchdowns and zero interceptions. Now that’s a fact that seems remarkable considering I am a 37-year-old man. It becomes all the more remarkable when you remember that I just had two vertebrae in my

Sochi Olympic Committee Bans 60% of Winter Sports Under Russian Anti-Gay Laws: Figure Skating, Curling First To Go

Citing new Russian laws that ban the presentation of “homosexual propaganda” to minors, the Sochi 2014 Olympic Committee announced that it would be canceling 60% of its previously scheduled events due to their “undeniable gayness.” Said chairman Boris Zorolev in a written statement, “it is not the responsibility ofour committee to pass judgment on the

Taylor Lewan to Change Number to 69 Because, Well, You Know

The Big House Locker Room– Following Michigan quarterback Devin Gardner’s permanent number change to 98, in honor of Heisman Trophy Winner Tom Harmon, Senior captain Taylor Lewan announced he will also be changing his jersey. “The change to 69 came after a lot of thought. Seeing Devin’s inspiring performances wearing 98 made me think about

Student Dares to Resist Conforming to Female Beauty Norms

Classmates of LSA junior Amanda Osgood have become increasingly disturbed by her casual clothing, messy ponytail, and apparent total disregards for the rules of society. Osgood reportedly hit a new low on Tuesday when she was bold enough to wear sweatpants to her Econ 101 lecture. “It’s just sad,” commented classmate Rebecca Barnes. “Doesn’t she

Local Church Marketing Campaign to Involve Even More Fucking Sidewalk Chalk

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Citing a desire to connect with a hip, young demographic, Ann Arbor’s Holy Life Church launched a new marketing campaign that will include “a continued and increased use of sidewalk chalk,” wrote the church in a press release. Chalk will be distributed to student volunteers, who will write intentionally vague and confusing slogans on pavement

Quick-Thinking Introvert Narrowly Avoids Human Interaction by Staring at Phone

Ken Withers, 28, after the young recluse reportedly drew his phone with cat-like reflexes in order to avert a friendly conversation with someone entering the same elevator as him. After nodding semi-politely at the man’s cheery “good morning,” witnesses claim Withers maintained his ground for about half a minute before exiting on floor five unscathed.

U.S. News & World Report Ranks University of Michigan as Nation’s #1 Backup College

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In its latest round of rankings, US News & World Report once again conferred upon the University of Michigan the semi-(honor?) of being the nation’s number one backup school. As one of the country’s oldest and best public universities, Michigan is consistently the institution to which students apply on the off chance they don’t get