President Coleman Spins Cube Backwards, Opens Cosmic Sinkhole

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CORNER OF MAYNARD AND THE SIXTH DIMENSION — This morning University President Mary Sue Coleman, on her traditional walk to work, accidentally spun the cube in a counter-clockwise direction, opening a portal to a dimension of unfathomable madness. Despite her empty eye sockets which were seen to be leaking blood, Coleman had little problem making

Area Man Only A Feminist When Drunk

APPLETON, WI – Local graduate student John Michelson, described by his friends as “your average entitled, misogynistic asshole”, admitted Thursday that after a few drinks, he departs from these core values by going on drunken feminist rants. Sources confirm that the 26 year old attended a party at his old frat Friday night, fully intending

Obama Makes Case for American “Pretty-Okay-ism”

WASHINGTON — In hoping to soothe the shaken American psyche following the recent government shutdown, President Obama held a press conference Wednesday to defend comments he made earlier in the week and make the case for American mediocrity. “Some around the world today may point at America and see an aging superpower struggling to come

Thirty-Something ‘Simply Thrilled’ At News of Baby Sister’s Engagement

DISHEVELED WALK-UP APARTMENT, NEW YORK– Lydia Hollan, a thirty-six year old single resident of Brooklyn, is reportedly “so overjoyed” at the news of her younger sister’s engagement to a Californian adventure capitalist. “I couldn’t be happier for my baby sister Lillian,” said Hollan during an interview at her apartment last Tuesday. “She definitely deserved to

Report: Michael Jackson Still Dead

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Neverland Ranch– At approximately 6:09 PM eastern time yesterday evening, late pop singer-songwriter Michael Jackson was announced “still dead” since his original passing on June 25th, 2009. The news shocked millions, as his name has continued to dominate headlines from The National Inquirer to The New York Times. This marked four years, three months, two

Ask an Overly-Aggressive Online Political Commenter

Dear Overly-Aggressive Online Political Commenter, My boyfriend’s birthday is in a few weeks. I’d like to get him something really special because it’s his 21st, but I don’t really want the present to be drinking related because that seems so trite. Is there anything you can suggest? I thought a nice collared sweater or other

A Letter of Recommendation for Bradley Gerst

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To Whom It May Concern:  Based on your interest in “Hardworking  Associates Who Are Willing To Work For  Ridiculously Low Salaries,” we’d like to  recommend Bradley Gerst for a position at your  company. We know him better than anyone else in  his life, and so can give the strongest possible  recommendation for any venture he

Kanye West Diagnosed With Yeezus Complex

A casual Tuesday in the West house.

CHICAGO—Globally-recognized entertainer and well-known crazy person Kanye West held a press conference late Tuesday night to announce that he was, indeed, the savior, creator and ultimate deity of a new world religion: Kanyetholicism. In a culture that often creates gods out of celebrities, Mr. West is now believed to be the first celebrity to actually

A Preemptive Apology

By Johnny Manziel Hello America. In the wake of the uproar over Philadelphia receiver Riley Cooper’s videotaped use of the n-word at an outdoor music event, I feel it is only appropriate for me, Heisman-winner and generally beloved guy, Johnny Football, to apologize for any and all racial slurs I will likely utter at future

I May Be Supreme Overlord of Syria, But the Real Challenge is Raising Three Rambunctious Preteens

By Bashar al-Assad Don’t get me wrong: it’s not easy being the cruel, sadistic leader of a country ravaged by civil war. The demanding hours, the high- pressure meetings, the constant, blood-curdling screams of innocent men, women, and children being slaughtered on my orders outside of my mansion…. it’s enough to give anyone a headache!

New Single Doubles Length of James Blunt Concert

Representatives for British musician James Blunt confirm that the singer’s upcoming tour will be “bigger than ever” with the addition of his recently released single “Bonfire Heart.” Blunt’s new set-list boasts an extended ten- minute performance, allowing him to “be a little creative” and “play around with the order” of his songs. “There’s a new

Area Man Struggles to Respond to Grandmother’s Painfully Sincere Facebook Comment

‘She said exactly what she meant in complete sentences. [How] the fuck am I supposed to respond to that?’ DENVER—Upon discovering an excruciatingly genuine, honest, and unaffected post on his wall from his grandmother last weekend, Julian Altman, 23, found himself catapulted into a powerful internal struggle between his affection for his Grandma Shirley on

Area Man Getting Real Anxious for Post-Fifty Shades Sex

MASTER BEDROOM/THE DUNGEON?— The highly anticipated film Fifty Shades of Grey is still a year away from release, yet production company Focus Features is already causing quite a stir around the nation. Following the announcement of actor Charlie Hunnam to play novel protagonist Christian Grey, many fans have resorted to pathetically masturbating to a vague

NSA: Domino’s Pizza Tracker ‘Vital for Domestic Surveillance’

WASHINGTON D.C.—In a report released to members of Congress during a special hearing regarding overreaches in NSA Surveillance, it was revealed that 64 percent of information used to capture and target terrorists is obtained through the Domino’s Pizza Tracker. While it has long been rumored that terrorists cannot resist the savory delights of Domino’s Original

‘The Freshman Roommate Experience is Essential’ Report People Who Like Sleeping Next to Complete Strangers

In a written statement released Monday afternoon, the American Society of Sickos who Enjoy Living with Strangers (ASSELS) reiterated their support of the “traditional” freshman residential experience. “We believe that the institution of roommates can only legitimately be defined as the union of one Computer Science Major from Taiwan and one high school quarterback from

Campus Boyfriends Grudgingly Admit Pitch Perfect “Not That Bad”

NORTH QUAD—LSA Sophomore Alex Locher’s worst fears came to a sudden realization after a screening of the film Pitch Perfect on his girlfriend’s laptop Wednesday night. “Huh. That actually wasn’t that bad,” Locher said upon completion of the film, continuing to add that the film he had expected to hate was, in fact, “pretty good

Local Freshman Will Rail Exactly 152 Girls by Senior Year, Probably

ANN ARBOR—Incoming freshman Ryan “Spy Guy” Parks will reportedly have sexual intercourse with about 152 girls by the end of his senior year, according to some preliminary estimates done by himself. Reports confirm that the self-described party-animal plans on “living it up college style” with no regrets, as it will supposedly be the best time

University Hires German Company to Über-Optimize Campus Infrastructure

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In an effort to eliminate congestion and reduce student at-fault collisions, university officials have announced plans to improve campus infrastructure. Department of Public Safety officer Tod Johnson has been put in charge of the project. “After an intense search involving looking at the second and sometimes even third pages of Google search results, we’ve hired

Poor Grade in Irrelevant Class Dooms Student to Life of Mediocrity

ANN ARBOR—Freshman Hayden McCafferty’s once-promising medical career was ruined Tuesday after receiving a C+ on the first paper of his mandatory Great Books 101 course. Experts agree that this grade will inevitably propel McCafferty into a downward spiral of utter depravity and failure. Adlai Richards, admissions chair for the University of Michigan Medical School, confirmed

Fight With Roommate Puts Friendship, Access to Netflix in Jeopardy

Sources confirm that longtime friends Max Jensen and Justin Tyler recently got into an argument that may end their friendship, as well as Jensen’s streaming access to thousands of hit movies and critically-acclaimed television shows. Tensions have risen ever since last week when Tyler, who has access to Jensen’s Netflix account, allegedly got drunk and

Mary Sue Can’t Believe College Almost Over

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CAMPUS—As she begins her last fall semester, Mary Sue Coleman tweeted that she is “excited but kinda freaking out” about ending this chapter in her life. The eleventh-year senior first became a Wolverine in the fall of 2002 and has been heavily involved in campus activities ever since. “Everyone always says that college flies by,

Family of Slain Baby Really Playing it Up on Five O’Clock News

WHINERS-VILLE, POPULATION 2—As the story of a one-year-old Brooklyn boy shot in his stroller makes the rounds on the five o’clock news, inside sources agree that the surviving parents and family members—with their fits of convulsive sobbing and abject despair—are really milking their airtime for all it’s worth. “I’ve never had an infant shot in

Bikini Carwash, Pulling Up Covers and Pretending Not to Be Home Proposed at Detroit Bankruptcy Meeting

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DETROIT—According to federally appointed Emergency Manager Kevyn Orr, Detroit’s July 12th declaration of bankruptcy was hardly a solution to the city’s financial woes. Instead, it should be seen as the “beginning of a long and painful path to solvency:” a path that will certainly require courage and creativity from indebted Detroiters. “Desperate times call for

In Reversal of Same-Sex Marriage Position, Republican Senator References Son’s Gay Father

NEW YORK CITY—In an exclusive interview with ABC’s Katie Couric, Senator Joe Bennet (R-Mont.) revealed that his recent reversal on the issue of gay marriage was brought on by the realization that a close family member—his son’s father—was, in fact, gay. Bennet’s son’s father, who wishes to remain anonymous due to what the admission may

Jennifer’s RA Reassures Her That He’s Available Anytime She Needs Him: ‘Seriously, Anytime,’ He Says

Engineering freshman Jennifer Wilson’s RA reportedly assured her, for the third time this week and seventy-sixth time this year, that, if there was anything he could do for her, anything at all, she should feel free to come to his room and ask for it, day or night. Sources claim that late Tuesday night, Jennifer’s

Students Stage Sit-in During Football Games to Protest New Seating Policy

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In the months since school officials announced that seating for the student section would follow a general admissions policy for the 2013 football season, enraged upper-level students have been hard at work trying to make their voices heard. After employing several different strategies such as creating Facebook groups, signing online petitions, and muttering “Man, this

Three-Day Orientation Fosters Lifelong Facebook Friendship

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After declaring themselves best friends during a whirlwind three day stint in Ann Arbor, incoming freshmen and orientation roommates Heather Caldwell and Caroline McCormack reportedly look forward to being best friends for all four years of their undergraduate careers, despite the fact that their friendship will exist only online. “I felt a connection with Heather

Tony Romo Now Highest-Paid Worst Quarterback in NFL History

ARLINGTON, Tex. – Tony Romo, who recently signed a six-year, $108-million contract extension with the Dallas Cowboys, is now the best-compensated most awful quarterback in the history of the NFL, according to league sources. Romo, who has inexplicably appeared on the field for the Cowboys for the past nine seasons, is often lauded as the

Study Finds Merciless Taunting Pretty Effective Solution to Childhood Obesity: Rates of Crying, Metabolism Soar in Response to Public Humiliation

THE BLACKTOP – A study from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention released Friday found that constant, community-based efforts to wantonly humiliate obese children may result in substantial weight loss and BMI reduction. The long-term, randomized, double-blind study was aimed at motivating a shift in the way we address the nation’s growing obesity epidemic.

MTV Mourns Fact that Reality Star Died Off-Camera

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WEST VIRGINIA – At a press conference following the accidental carbon-monoxide poisoning of reality TV star Shain Gandee, MTV executives reluctantly confirmed that none of their patented reality-cams had been present at the scene of the tragedy. Executive producer Barry Poznik concluded the conference with a personal message to the deceased’s family, saying, “While we