Houston Sick and Tired of Hearing About Your Problems

The city of Houston is experiencing widespread irritation at being America’s longtime sounding board. “We have our own problems, you know,” said Mayor Annise Parker. “We say y’all completely seriously. Same thing with wearing cowboy boots.” Researchers have yet to determine why Americans have deemed Houston, a city that shuts down at even the slightest

Sir Isaac Newton Live Blogs Scientific Inaccuracies of Gravity

RAVE CINEMAS – As of this moment, I, Sir Isaac Newton, am being led by several representatives of something called “The Warner Brother Picture Company”, into some sort of dark theatre. Oh my, if these are not the most comfortable chairs that I have had the pleasure to sit upon. I am told that the

It’s Chilly Out There, Don’t You Think You Should Put on a Sweater? by Your Older, More Experienced Sophomore Roommate

Have you checked the weather today? I’m just sayin’, because I know you’re new to Michigan, so you don’t get how crazy the weather can be. I know it was 70 degrees yesterday, but damn, today it is cold – like 58-degrees-cold. Yeah, you’re definitely not in Wisconsin anymore. Hold on, hold on – please

I Know You Didn’t Throw that Ball, by an Irate Dog

Dear Ted, I’d like to take a moment to address a situation that occurred at approximately 5:34 PM yesterday evening. It was just one in a line of many such occurrences, and frankly, it has become not only distasteful but downright rude. Do you honestly believe yourself to be such a masterful disguiser of the

Super Excited Mitch McGary Tweets Chance Encounter with Markley Hall Council President

Michigan Sophomore Mitch McGary tweeted his delight after a chance encounter with Markley Hall Council President Andrew Blumenthal. McGary, who describes himself as “a Markley Hall Council super fan,” recently tweeted, “OMG Mark Hall Prez Andrew Blumenthal took seat next to me in Chipotle #freakingout’” The preseason All-American basketball player admitted the experience had left

Gatorade Cured My Neck Cancer, By Peyton Manning

Hey y’all, it’s me, Peyton, the quarterback of the Denver Broncos, who has thrown for something like a league leading 16 touchdowns and zero interceptions. Now that’s a fact that seems remarkable considering I am a 37-year-old man. It becomes all the more remarkable when you remember that I just had two vertebrae in my

Sochi Olympic Committee Bans 60% of Winter Sports Under Russian Anti-Gay Laws: Figure Skating, Curling First To Go

Citing new Russian laws that ban the presentation of “homosexual propaganda” to minors, the Sochi 2014 Olympic Committee announced that it would be canceling 60% of its previously scheduled events due to their “undeniable gayness.” Said chairman Boris Zorolev in a written statement, “it is not the responsibility ofour committee to pass judgment on the

Taylor Lewan to Change Number to 69 Because, Well, You Know

The Big House Locker Room– Following Michigan quarterback Devin Gardner’s permanent number change to 98, in honor of Heisman Trophy Winner Tom Harmon, Senior captain Taylor Lewan announced he will also be changing his jersey. “The change to 69 came after a lot of thought. Seeing Devin’s inspiring performances wearing 98 made me think about

Student Dares to Resist Conforming to Female Beauty Norms

Classmates of LSA junior Amanda Osgood have become increasingly disturbed by her casual clothing, messy ponytail, and apparent total disregards for the rules of society. Osgood reportedly hit a new low on Tuesday when she was bold enough to wear sweatpants to her Econ 101 lecture. “It’s just sad,” commented classmate Rebecca Barnes. “Doesn’t she

Local Church Marketing Campaign to Involve Even More Fucking Sidewalk Chalk

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Citing a desire to connect with a hip, young demographic, Ann Arbor’s Holy Life Church launched a new marketing campaign that will include “a continued and increased use of sidewalk chalk,” wrote the church in a press release. Chalk will be distributed to student volunteers, who will write intentionally vague and confusing slogans on pavement