Of Course I Meant What I Wrote, by James Madison

There has been a lot of talk about Second Amendment rights lately. A wide range of politicians claim that I, James Madison, father of The Constitution and The Bill of Rights, would agree with their stance on gun control. I have decided to take this opportunity to reiterate exactly what I wrote in 1789. Every white male, regardless of mental state, has

Stop Using My Drugs: an Intervention Letter by Kevin’s Roommate

Kevin, I’ll start this by saying that this is coming from a place of love and that I care very deeply about you. However, I can’t say I love you all the time, especially when I know you’ve been stealing my drugs. I’m here, writing this, because you have a problem. I’ll just say it: if you’re going to use my

Nation Now Aware of Breast Cancer Unsure What to Do Next

A new survey published by the National Breast Cancer Foundation found that thanks to countless breast cancer awareness months and nationwide pink ribbon campaigns, 99 percent of Americans are now aware of breast cancer. While the NBCF celebrates a record high level of awareness, administrators admit that they’re not quite sure what the next step

Overweight Man Bids Adieu to Penis Until Spring

With his Holiday season weight gain well underway, local chubber Nate Wertz is counting down the days until the months of watching football, eating and napping cause his ever-expanding stomach to eclipse his sad, pathetic little penis. “I think the eclipse might come a little early this year, Halloween was really productive and I think

Nation’s Students Eagerly Await Black Friday Break

Screen shot 2013-11-18 at 5.25.25 PM

This year’s Black Friday Break, scheduled to begin at 5:00pm on November 27, according to many University students, cannot come soon enough. Regardless of whether they plan to spend their break in hours-long lines at Best Buy, Walmart, or Old Navy, students like freshman Evan DeYoung, are just ready to get home. Stressing the importance

Obama Refuses to Pardon White House Turkey, Strangles It While Daughters Look On

Screen shot 2013-11-18 at 5.01.46 PM

During a televised ceremony in the White House Rose Garden, a visibly exasperated President Obama parted with decades of presidential tradition by refusing to pardon 2013’s Thanksgiving turkey. The Turkey Presentation ceremony, which dates back to the Truman administration, dictates that the president offer a “pardon” to a selected turkey in the lead up to

Man Realizes He’s Made a Horrible Mistake Moments Before Pushing Wrong Side of Door

Screen shot 2013-11-18 at 4.54.29 PM

A STORE WITHOUT AUTOMATIC DOORS—Tragedy ensued as a man tried to open the wrong side of the door at a local Tea Haus Tuesday afternoon. Frank Neville, a middle-aged Caucasian man with an affinity for overpriced oolong and catching on to trends late, says he realized something was terribly wrong milliseconds after he began pushing

Man Accepts Unpaid Internship as Boyfriend

After being turned down for several paid positions over the summer, LSA Junior Andrew Beltran has finally decided to accept an unpaid internship as “Boyfriend to Sophomore Kelly Hill”. Beltran announced this important career decision via Facebook Thursday night to a slew of “likes”, and several comments inquiring about his new duties. Beltran confirmed that

Houston Sick and Tired of Hearing About Your Problems

The city of Houston is experiencing widespread irritation at being America’s longtime sounding board. “We have our own problems, you know,” said Mayor Annise Parker. “We say y’all completely seriously. Same thing with wearing cowboy boots.” Researchers have yet to determine why Americans have deemed Houston, a city that shuts down at even the slightest

Sir Isaac Newton Live Blogs Scientific Inaccuracies of Gravity

RAVE CINEMAS – As of this moment, I, Sir Isaac Newton, am being led by several representatives of something called “The Warner Brother Picture Company”, into some sort of dark theatre. Oh my, if these are not the most comfortable chairs that I have had the pleasure to sit upon. I am told that the