‘Jews in the Modern World’ Guest Lecturer Unexpectedly Replaced with Giant Mirror

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DEPARTMENT OF JUDAIC STUDIES – Sources confirmed Tuesday that Ronit Lisker, the instructor for JUDAIC 281: Jews in the Modern World, surprised students last week by substituting a giant mirror in place of the planned speaker, Dr. Barry Armovitz. Reportedly, the substitution is part of a broader effort to promote experiential learning in the department:

Netanyahu Peer-Pressures Obama into Prank-Calling, Bombing Iran

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According to government insiders, the Obama administration’s increasingly hawkish stance towards Iran in recent months has come mainly as a result of President Obama’s “childish desire” to make friends with Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin “Bibi Gun” Netanyahu. The roots of this relationship can be traced as far back as a June 2009 joint press conference

Everything Is a Phallic Symbol

Wake up, sheeple. I should hope that at this point everyone realizes we live in a heteronormative white patriarchal cissexual male society, but do you actually realize how often we are subconsciously bombarded with images that reinforce this on a day-to-day basis? Of course not. You just go on sucking it all in, like a

The Worst Thing About Adidas is Definitely That Their Jerseys Rip

I was never more disappointed than when I heard the most recent news about the University of Michigan and their athletic contract with Adidas. I mean, ripping basketball jerseys?! I’ve never heard of a greater atrocity in all my life. Adidas should be ashamed. I for one seriously considered leaving my position at the sweatshop

Hands Down, Jim’s My Favorite

As the mother of two incredibly successful football coaches who are set to square off in the most important game of the year, I’m often asked what I’m thinking when I’m watching them play. The answer is very simple: while they are both my sons, and I care about them both deeply, Jim is by

What the FUCK? They Nominated That Hack Gregg Rudloff for a Sound Mixing Oscar and Not Me?

Seriously, Academy, what the fuck were you thinking? Let me get this straight: Gregg Rudloff, an all-around piece of shit and talentless hack, gets an Oscar nomination for Best Sound Mixing for the movie Argo. And as if that wasn’t enough of a slap in the face – don’t tell me you don’t remember the

From the Archives – 1443: Invention of Printing Press Allows for Mass Reproduction of Holy Texts, Naked Wenches

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MAINZ, Holy Roman Empire – Area goldsmith Johannes Gutenberg announced last week that his latest invention, which he calls the “printing press,” now enables him to produce thousands of copies of naked lady pictures in a single workday. According to him, this innovation will revolutionize mankind’s abilities to self-gratify. “You see, with the moveable tit

With Addition of New Schools, Big Ten Conference Expands to All of Nation’s Most Depressing States

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THE LINE FOR THE SOUP KITCHEN – The Big Ten entrenched itself as the football conference of choice for the un- and under-employed last week by adding the University of Maryland and Rutgers, the state university of New Jersey, to its ranks. The two schools joined the twelve current conference members to make up a

Our Idiot Reporter: Dems, GOP Near Deal on So-Called ‘Fiscal Cliff’

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Something About Vouchers, the Mortgage Interest Deduction, and Blah Blah Blah, Perhaps THE DISTRICT OF COLOMBIA – Senate Democrats and Republicans are increasingly close to reaching a historic compromise to avert the “fiscal cliff” that the Mayans prophesied would occur in 2012, say people whose job it is to report on these things. The deal,

Despite Upcoming Basement Changes, Panda Express Somehow Staying in Union

Diarrhea-Inducing Menu ‘Will Not Change’ THE UNION – In the outdated, smelly and inexplicably sticky basement of the Michigan Union, one neon light has shined a bit brighter over the past few weeks. Panda Express, having signed a longer lease than all other restaurants in the basement, will remain in the Union after renovations are

Lecture Hall Eavesdropper Totally Understands Lindsay’s Problems

ANGELL AUD. B, MIDDLE LEFT SIDE – According to sources familiar with the situation, LSA freshman Craig Willis has been subjected to such a massive amount of gossip by the girls who sit in front of him in his STATS 250 lecture that, if they would talk to him even just once, he could solve

Pres. Coleman Asks to be Called Great Aunt Cheryl From Now On

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President Mary Sue Coleman announced at a press conference on Wednesday that from now on she should be referred to by students and faculty as Great Aunt Cheryl, or informally, Aunt Cher. “You know, it’s just a change that’s been long overdue,” said Great Aunt Cheryl while sifting through her closet of floral-patterned wool-knit sweaters

Group Project Members Finding that Agreeing on Time, Place to Meet More Difficult than Actual Group Project

LOCATION TO BE DETERMINED – Members of Group B in Professor Thor Bergman’s PSYCH 372 class are finding it extremely difficult to compromise on both a location and a time to convene in order to finish their group project. According to sources, the simple feat of assembling six people in a singular place at a

Timmy Zeller, Inventor of Claw-Hammer Juggling, Dead at Age 7

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Ann Arbor resident Timmy Zeller, who will be most remembered for inventing the sport of claw-hammer juggling in the moments leading up to his untimely demise, passed away this morning from injuries sustained while attempting to throw two metal hammers into the air and subsequently catch them. The prolific inventor was considered something of a

Study: Gargoyle Writers Less Funny Than People Who Don’t Write Jokes At All

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‘Horrible’ Latest Issue Deemed Vast Improvement Writers for the Gargoyle “Humor” Magazine are less funny than virtually all other human beings, according to a study released Thursday by the International Institute of Actual Studies. Researchers used brain-imaging technology along with survey responses to judge the reactions of 1000 individuals to material from the last five

Can We Find Some More Attractive Squirrel-Feeders, Please?

Look guys, I’m not complaining. Love the food. Love it. But is there any way you could recruit a couple of cute human chicks for the Squirrel-Feeding Club? I mean, have you seen the current crop of female squirrels I’m working with? Bunch of fatties. Now, I’m not saying that the current Club roster isn’t

Have a Good Christmas, Grandma, Because Next Year We’re Putting You in a Home

Grandma, I have so many fond memories growing up with you, especially around this time of the year: making snowmen, decorating the tree…heck, you’re the one who taught me how to properly hang a stocking! But there comes a certain point in every person’s life where they need to discard even their most cherished relatives.

You’re Saying That Having Sex with Many Women Makes Him a WORSE General?

No, no, you must have it backwards. It sounded like you were trying to say that military leaders who have sex with a multitude of women are somehow worse at their job because of it. You must mean that David Petraeus got fired because he didn’t have sex with enough women. Oh, it’s the first

Israeli Student Association Stands by IDF Decision to Punch Kitten in the Face

CAMPUS – The president of the Israeli Student Association announced today that the organization would be standing strongly behind the Israel Defense Force’s new military effort, Operation Let’s Punch That Cute Kitten Over There In The Face. The military operation was announced yesterday by IDF spokesperson Brigadier-General Yoav Mordechai, who outlined the IDF’s plans to

LSA Junior Schedules Only M/W Classes; Remains 85 Credits Shy of Graduation

WOLVERINE ACCESS – Even amid the stress and chaos of optional final exams, LSA junior with freshman standing Allie Winkler successfully completed the nerve-racking process of course registration. Though many students report feeling dissatisfied with their courses even after spending countless hours on RateMyProfessor or Schedulizer.com, Winkler boasts a “fucking flawless” schedule. “Mondays and Wednesdays,

High-Stakes Game of Gay Chicken Results in Passionate Sex

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ANN ARBOR – According to witnesses at the scene, LSA sophomores Chaz Stevens and Trent Pennington were playing FIFA 13 for Xbox 360 in their house when their knees gently brushed against each other, sparking an especially fierce game of gay chicken. Upon realizing his leg had been lightly grazed, Stevens shouted, “What the fuck

Hamas Now Recruiting Aerospace Engineering Interns

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NORTH CAMPUS – Hamas, recently named one of Palestine’s “top 100 organizations to blow yourself up for,” visited last week’s North Campus career fair citing a newfound need for “talented, ambitious, living aerospace engineers.” Hamas’s booth was quite popular at the career fair, with undergraduate engineers waiting over an hour to interview for the highly-competitive

Office of Student Disabilities to Begin Requiring Actual Disability for Extra Time on Finals

MASON HALL – Under pressure from the University administration, the Office of Student Disabilities has decided to alter the disability qualifications for receiving extra time on exams, as students seeking this extra time will now be required to actually have a disability. OSD director Rick Knapp, expressed his opposition to the policy change last Tuesday.

Landmark Residents Complain About Working-Class Smell Emanating from 7-Eleven

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SOUTH U. – Adding to Landmark residents’ list of complaints about their promised aristocratic sanctuary amid a sea of riffraff, the addition of a 7-Eleven convenience store to the lobby of the high-rise apartment complex has reportedly polluted the building with the unpleasant odor of lower classes. “I was so excited when I first heard

Study: Tech Literacy Elusive Among Ostensibly Intelligent Professors

According to a study published Thursday by the School of Information, an advanced degree in any of a variety of fields does not provide a person with the skills required to operate YouTube, a projector, or other pieces of technology that are generally considered to be both incredibly intuitive and essential to modern education. The

Experimental Section of GRE Entirely in Elvish

PROMETRIC TESTING CENTER – Earlier this week, GRE test-takers were startled to find that the one verbal reasoning section of their examination was written almost completely in Quenya, the fictional Elvish language devised by J. R. R. Tolkien for his famed Lord of the Rings series. “The experimental section isn’t even graded, so why the

Esteemed Hamas Minister of Counter-Counter-Terrorism Killed in Israeli Airstrike

GAZA CITY – Mohammed Kubari, Hamas’s longtime Secretary of Offense, Injustice, and Counter-Counter-Terrorism, was killed in a pinpoint Israeli airstrike on Sunday in violation of last month’s ceasefire. He was 48. Kubari, who was hailed as an esteemed statesman and reviled as a killer of innocents, was the guiding light behind many of Hamas’s most

University Introduces New Fuckability-Based Admissions Policy

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In response to recent concerns over the legal viability of affirmative action, the University of Michigan has devised a new admissions policy based entirely on the applicant’s demonstrated record of fuckability. “The University of Michigan Office of Admissions has always strived to field a diverse, intelligent, and highly-fuckable freshman class,” said Ted Spencer, the Executive

Israel-Palestine Conflict Solved on Yahoo! Answers

According to foreign-policy experts, the Obama administration, and NicklebackSux666, a Yahoo! Answers user has discovered a clear and definitive solution to the ongoing conflict between Israelis and Palestinians which began in the early 2nd millennium B.C.E. The user, who goes by the handle JuicyGirl1992, presented her exhaustive policy solution in response to a recent post:

Miami Marlins Trade City of Miami to Blue Jays

MIAMI, Ontario – According to unconfirmed reports from ESPN’s Buster Olney, the team formerly known as the Miami Marlins has traded Miami to the Toronto Blue Jays. In exchange, the Marlins will receive infielder Adeiny Hechavarria and a municipality to be named later, league sources say, pending the approval of the Commissioner. The controversial deal