God Admits He Only Cares About Sports, Latin Grammys

BEYOND THE PEARLY GATES— As the world continues to crumble into despair, heavenly sources confirmed that God, Divine Ruler of the Universe and Creator of the Fruit of the Vine, carries out his sacred duties with exclusively two concerns: professional athletics, and outstanding achievements in recorded music as recognized by the Latin Academy of Recording

In World of Pedophiles and Murderers, Student Directs All Hatred Towards OSU

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With the November 30th rivalry game between Michigan and Ohio State University rapidly approaching, Ross sophomore Sam Alfarzi has been nearly unable to talk about anything lately except for his intense loathing of the OSU football team; completely ignoring things far more deserving of his contempt such as child molesters, killers, institutional racism, and cancer,

Bored, Obese Nation Decides to Give Pretzel Buns a Try

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In a weekend press conference, Tom Wheatland, national spokesperson for the American Alliance For the Bored and Obese, announced to eager reporters and restaurant insiders that 2013 will be the year that we all give Pretzel Buns a try. After Chili’s, Sonic, Wendy’s, Ruby Tuesday, Dunkin’ Donuts, Red Robin, and others introduced Pretzel Buns this

Citizen Kane Voted Best Movie Of All Time You Haven’t Seen Yet, You Uncultured Piece of Shit

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On November 11, the American Film Institute re-released their list of the top 100 movies of all time. Juried by 1,500 film artists and critics, the list is headed by Citizen Kane, the 1941 classic you haven’t even bothered to see because, let’s face it, you’re a lazy piece of shit who lacks any modicum

Literary Plagiarizers Penetrate Hard and Deep into Erotica Genre

Amazon.com released in a report last week that erotica is one of the most frequently plagiarized genres due to lax online copyright laws. Understandably, authors are upset, with many arguing that plagiarizers have soiled the reputation of a classic, timeless genre. “Frankly, I’m just insulted,” sighed Sharon Miller, a 49-year-old erotica author. “There’s another so-called

World Leaders Ignoring NSA Google+ Circle Invitation

According to internal documents released by the NSA, the American spy agency accused of unconscionable spying on foreign and domestic targets, world leaders are giving the agency the cold shoulder by consistently refusing it’s Google Plus Circle invitations. “It’s as if they think we don’t have feelings,” said NSA engineer William Locker while hacking into

Report: Ailing City of Detroit in Dire Need of More Community-Based Internships

A study released by the University of Michigan’s Institute for Social Research yesterday found that the ailing city of Detroit’s most pressing social, political, and economic issues would be most effectively addressed by the temporary, sporadic presence of bright-eyed college undergraduates who lack both a basic knowledge of the city and the competence to do

Swiffer Helps Elderly Couple Sweep Away Signs of Their Inevitable Decay

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Lee and Morty Kaufman, the 90-year-old couple prominently featured in ads for Swiffer, were amazed and delighted by the products’ abilities to effectively attract and clean the signs of their own impending atrophy. “They say that dust is made up of dead skin cells, and nobody has more dead skin cells then Morty and me,”

Point, Counterpoint: Ask-a-Librarian

Point: Great for Late Nights I’m a hard worker. I like to get stuff done and usually leave the UGLi around one or two in the morning. Nothing helps me get through those early morning hours more than Ask-a-Librarian. Seriously you guys, the site is incredible. Sometimes I really just need some help and can’t turn anywhere else. And whenever I am stressed

Oh the Shit I’ve Seen, by That Volleyball Net

I’ve seen things. Horrible things. I was just a naive young volleyball net once. Eager to help people play a sport, have a fun time, maybe make some new friends. But now I’m a shell of the net I once was. The spark beaten out of me by half full red solo cups and empty bottles of Axe body spray.