Chinese Pedophiles Really Excited About Lifting of One Child Policy

A WHOLE NEW WORLD—On Friday, November 15th, China announced to the world a set of reforms that would lift historically strict policies, most notably the “one child” rule. This law, as the name implies, obstructed families from producing more than one child and, as members of the Chinese pedophile community insist, restricted the free exercise

BuzzFeed To Sell Film Rights To Acclaimed Listicle ‘16 Turtles in Funny Hats’

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Los Angeles, CA—The popular website and purveyor of click-bait Buzzfeed.com announced last week that, amid pressure from major hollywood studios vying for the right to produce a film adaption, they have officially sold the film rights to their critically-acclaimed listicle ‘16 Turtles in Funny Hats,’ along with a number of other trending articles. Following the

Area Man Can’t Remember Which Side Gas Cap On, Must Be Alzheimer’s

Local resident and widely acknowledged hypochondriac Ryan Beckman was tragically self-diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease last Wednesday after failing to recall what side of his car the gas cap was on as he pulled up to his local BP station. “It was terrible,” recalled Beckman. “One second I was cruising at ten and two day dreaming

Parents Replace Dead Grandma With New One to Help Kids Cope

Although Robert Gellhorn and his family were initially distraught at the recent passing of his mother, Dolores Gellhorn, they are learning to find comfort in the arms of Roberta Zimerski, whom they have chosen to replace their fallen matriarch. “Losing Mom was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to go through,” Robert Gellhorn

Graduating Senior’s Sophomore Halloween Costume Greatest College Achievement

While many Seniors are most proud of their high GPA, volunteer work, or admissions into top tier graduate programs, Economics major Francis Clayton asserts that his greatest achievement of his four years at Michigan was the Halloween costume he designed in his Sophomore year. “See, it was like a Twister mat, but the blue circle

Quality Comments Submitted on Course Evaluations for First Time Ever

Sources were shocked this week to discover that LSA sophomore Alison Reed actually began to fill out the evaluations for her courses a week before they were due. Reportedly, Reed even wants to make them helpful and informative this year. Reed, who usually completes her evaluations while waiting in line at Starbucks, wanted to point

Professor Totally Oblivious to Cursor Right in the Middle of the Goddamn Screen

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Sources report that on Monday, Professor Daniel Bowshier attempted to show his English 125 class an excerpt from the movie The Dead Poets Society, succeeding not only in playing the clip but also in infuriating all seventen students in the room by leaving his cursor in the general field of vision. “I was almost really

‘Stop Staring, I’m Just Doing This For Me,’ Says Half-Naked Man Juggling on a Unicycle in Winter

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The Associated Press confirmed on Monday the veracity of increasingly frequent and totally incredulous eyewitness reports that a shirtless man has been riding a unicycle through campus while simultaneously juggling three hacky sacks. The news comes much to chagrin of the unicyclist, Ted Wheland, who “doesn’t see why people act like [he’s] some kind of

Student Peer Pressured into Doing ‘Just a Dollop of Daisy’

TACO TUESDAY AT LOCAL ANN ARBOR HOME— Sources confirmed that while enjoying a simple, home-cooked meal last week with friends, University of Michigan sophomore Luis Crimmins was urged by some of his older housemates to add a “dollop” of highly potent Daisy brand sour cream to his freshly prepared meal. The complex mix of bacterial

LSA Junior a Little Too Busy to Keep an Eye on This Kid’s Stuff ‘For Just a Sec’

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Sources report that tension arose at the Shapiro Library earlier when Grant Overman was asked by another student sitting at his table to watch his backpack and laptop while he went to the bathroom, because Overman has just a little too much on his plate to be watching some kid’s stuff for “just a bit.”