Mars Rover Constantly Distracted by Shiny Objects
MARS CITY, MARS — To the tune of $2.5 billion being senselessly thrown into an interplanetary trash can, NASA scientists have been furiously banging their heads against a wall all week as the Curiosity rover continues to be distracted by shiny metal objects never before encountered by mankind. “We were looking for rocks and dust
FOX Adds ‘America’s Next Treasury Secretary’ to Fall Lineup
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Following rumors that Timothy Geithner will resign as Secretary of the Treasury following the November election, FOX has announced a new show that will give thousands of Americans a chance at their dream: to be the architect of the world’s largest economy. The search will be conducted “the American way” – through
‘Jurassic Park’ Point-Counterpoint
POINT: Jurassic Park is Scientifically Impossible By Mark Hamblin, Paleontologist It pains me to say that last month, after years of work, my team of paleogeneticists debunked the entire premise of Michael Crichton’s Jurassic Park. You see, the idea of extracting 80-million-year-old DNA from mosquitoes trapped in amber is absolutely impossible, because as my assistants
Spartan Loss: A Product of Poor Offense, or a History of Pederasty?
Listen, Philhellenes, I know we’re all very excited about the outcome of our modern gladiatorial match against the Spartans of Michigan State. But let me remind you of that old proverb that those who do not learn history are doomed to repeat it. When looking back on the 900th win of this educational forum, do
Ask the Awkward Kid in Your Hall Desperately Looking for a Place to Live Next Year
Dear Awkward Kid in My Hall Desperately Looking for a Place to Live Next Year, Ever since my boyfriend’s cousin died two months ago, he hasn’t been the same. He used to be so sweet and caring, but now, he’s moody and withdrawn. He skips class, sleeps all day, and has started to mock me
Federal Reserve Terrorist Point-Counterpoint
Point: Terrorist at Federal Reserve Foiled by FBI Sting By The Associated Press NEW YORK – Federal prosecutors have charged a Bangladeshi national with conspiring to destroy the Federal Reserve Bank of New York, alleging that he attempted to remotely detonate what he believed was a thousand-pound bomb in a vehicle parked outside the building.
How About That First Debate Though, Am I Right?
Well, that was some election. Really thought I had it there until the results started coming in. You can’t win them all I guess. But boy, do you guys remember that first debate? That sure was something, huh? Gosh, I’ll never forget what that felt like, what with all the newspapers and TV anchors talking
From the Time Warp: Eradication of All Known Diseases Leads to Sharp Decrease in 5Ks
THE FEDERATION OF MIDWESTERN STATES — Six months after the discovery of a cure for muscular dystrophy, researchers in Indiana, Michigan, Illinois, and the People’s Republic of Illinois have noticed a widespread reduction in the number of five-kilometer races, dance marathons, and college bake sales taking place. As a result, countless human citizens have taken
Orlando Magic to Become Lakers’ Developmental Team
BASKETBALL IRRELEVANCE — Less than three months after trading away Dwight Howard, the Orlando Magic are officially withdrawing from the NBA and joining the league’s developmental league, announced Magic General Manager Rob Hennigan. “With this change,” said Hennigan, “we feel the team can finally move away from burden of ‘competition’ and ‘playing to win,’ and
ESPN to Target Female Viewers with ‘ESPN Lifetime’ Channel
CHANNEL 865 — John Skipper, the president of ESPN, submitted a press release announcing the launch of the network’s newest channel, ESPN Lifetime, which will specifically target female viewers by airing women’s sports such as women’s basketball, Olympic volleyball, and synchronized passive aggression. “ESPN is proud to be the first network to offer justify the
