Report: Hatcher Library Urinals Way, Way Too Close Together

In a statement recently released by the University, LSA sophomore Ted Shuart concluded that the urinals located in all of the Hatcher Graduate Library South Stacks Library are “way too fucking close together.” Shuart mentioned in his assessment that no other side-by-side urinals located in any other bathroom on campus are distanced by such an

Low-Achieving Family to Incorporate Friends’ Failures in Annual Christmas Letter

The year 2013 for the Saunder family of Springfield, Illinois, was self-admittedly “a real twelve-month downer.” In order to bolster their annual Christmas letter therefore, an otherwise lackluster piece of blather this year, the Saunders plan to include mentions of their loved ones’ setbacks. Following a year in which father Ted Saunder did not get

Local 18-Year-Old Weighing Benefits $200,000 in Student Loan Debt vs. Possibly Getting Shot in Afghanistan

High school senior Jacob Peterson recently received early admission to a private university, a development that has made his decision on how to finance four years’ tuition. Peterson, as a member of the socio-economic underclass, he enjoys the choice of joining the military or selling his soul to student loan companies. Peterson admits he is

That Guy Who Brings Acoustic Guitar To Every Party Finally Gets Laid

Screen shot 2013-12-13 at 3.29.00 PM

Sources confirmed this Sunday morning that LSA sophomore Wyatt Hayworth, who has consistently brought his acoustic guitar to every party he’s attended for a full year in the hopes of ending his stubbornly persistent state of virginity, finally “got some” at a local house party this weekend. “I figured, if Free Fallin’ doesn’t reel in

Area Manager Going With ‘Just Checking In’ As Subject Line of Latest Email

Saying that the generic three-word phrase just made sense for what he was trying to get across, middle manager Jason Hoffman announced this past Monday his decision to once more go with ‘Just Checking In’ as the subject line of his latest email. “Sometimes simpler is better,” said Hoffman, defending his use of the utterly

Showtime Execs Plan to Use More Sex in Marketing for Masters of Sex

Screen shot 2013-12-13 at 3.17.21 PM

Citing lackluster ratings for their new Sunday night drama Masters of Sex, corporate executives at the Showtime network plan to “really up the sexual ante” in their future marketing strategy. “Sure, it’s in the title, it’s a central theme in the show, and most episodes feature graphic nudity, but I’m not sure that people understand

Lazy Libertarian Probably Just Giving Relatives Bitcoins For Christmas

Joe Perry, notable to friends and family for his distrust of government institutions and extreme laziness in the face of gift-giving, announced Thursday that every single one of his holiday gifts would consist of a card stuffed with different denotations of Bitcoins, the digital P2P currency lacking any institutional oversight. “In the past I’ve taken

Sophomore’s Alone Time Ruined By Girlfriend’s Search Party

BEHIND A TREE IN THE ARB— University Police announced yesterday that sophomore Jason Welles, who had been declared missing since Monday, was recently found alive and well. Welles claiming to have ventured into the Arb to “get some time to himself,” was found after Stephanie Graham, his girlfriend of three months, rallied the local police

Crime Notes, The Michigan Daily “An Ugli Crime”. S3/E12

ugli crime

Many thought they had seen Crime Notes’ best work after last week’s stunning cliffhanger left viewers wondering whether or not this season’s lovable antagonist, 5’6” to 6’3” black male, would return Hannah Cohen’s 15” MacBook pro after discovering that it was registered with campus security. Viewers’ fears were resoundingly quashed when the most recent episode,

UHS to Offer Telephone Promo in Which Lucky 9th Caller Actually Gets Medical Attention They Require

uhs patient

To celebrate its 100th anniversary, University Health Services is planning several special events, one of which will reportedly include—for a limited time only—actually tending to ill students. Beginning this month, the campus medical care center will run a telephone-based promotion in which students placing calls to the reception desk will have a chance to be