Alzheimer’s Patients Outraged by Cuts in Research Funding, Cuts in Research Funding

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NOT TOO SURE WHERE I AM – Following the disappointing failure of several high-profile Alzheimer’s disease treatments in clinical trials, the world’s leading pharmaceutical companies announced plans to scale back their neuroscience research programs, drawing fire from dementia advocates and patients alike. John Waterson, an Alzheimer’s activist who suffers from the disease himself, delivered the

Ann Arbor Community Traumatized After Student Ruthlessly Presses ‘Reply All’

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ANN ARBOR – In what some are calling the worst school tragedy since 2007, LSA sophomore Evan Corman viciously spammed over 10,000 innocent students on Monday by pressing “Reply All” in response to a student organization’s mass email. The assault began at around 11:30 a.m., when Outdoor Adventures sent news of its upcoming ice cream

Thousands of People Presumably Aware of Syria Crisis Mourn Death of Fucking Baby Panda

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – Nearly two weeks after the death of the National Zoo’s baby panda, people who most likely know that their fellow human beings are being shot and tortured right now by the Syrian military continued their panda-related outpourings of grief. “What a cruel, cruel world,” said baby-panda fan Jackie Bergner, whose grandparents died

World Trade Center Construction to be Completed Before Next Terrorist Attack

GROUND ZERO – Despite being years behind schedule and billions of dollars over budget, the One World Trade Center skyscraper is set to be completed before its absolute and total destruction in 2015 or 2016, said New York City officials. “We know that you, residents of Manhattan, have long had many questions about the World

Get the Fuck Out of My Seat, Dickhole!

Hey, brah. Yeah, you! You’re in my seat, pussy. You see my ticket? You see my smokin’ hot girlfriend’s ticket? What the fuck do they say, hombre? They say you’re in my goddamn seat! Yeah, I know it’s the beginning of the second quarter? So what?! You think I’d show up on time like some

Don’t Be Alarmed, My Erection is Simply the Product of 6 Million Years of Evolution

Ah yes, come in. Samantha, right? Thank you for visiting my office hours. I truly enjoy when students take the time to come ask questions. Please, take a se – oh, that? The massive bulge in my pants? Don’t be alarmed, it’s nothing more than a beautiful adaptive system created by eons of natural selection.

Ask a Feminist Ironically Watching a Real Housewives Marathon

Dear Feminist Ironically Watching a Real Housewives Marathon, My housemate, Lindsay, bought a dog without consulting anyone else in the house. It chews on everything, barks at squirrels all day, and begs to be let out every ten minutes. Lindsay just got a new job and she’s rarely ever home, so the rest of us

Djimon Hounsou Starting to Think He’s Been Typecast

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NOT AFRICA, SURPRISINGLY – Actor Djimon Hounsou, best known for his roles in movies that chronicle slavery, violence, poverty, and Africa in general, has recently expressed concern over the types of characters he is asked to portray. “I think I’ve really demonstrated the depth of my acting ability during my career,” he said, while perusing

14,000 Unmutilated Bodies Discovered in Mexican City

NOGALES, VERACRUZ – Los federales and la policia were stunned to discover nearly 14,000 unmutilated bodies early Tuesday morning in this violence-ravaged Mexican town. Before daybreak, word spread that for the first time in several weeks officials failed to find any of the town’s 13,724 residents shot, stabbed, beheaded, or buried in a mass grave

New Somali President Unsure What the Word ‘President’ Means

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MOGADISHU – Hassan Sheikh Mohamoud, Somalia’s recently-elected president and the first legitimate head of state in his impoverished nation in over twenty years, is still a bit unclear as to what the word “president” means, say sources within the Villa Somalia. “Given that the last man we called ‘president’ just locked himself in his royal

State of Michigan to Discontinue Failed ‘City of Detroit’ Program

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LANSING – Citing rampant crime, poverty, and Kwame Kilpatrick, state officials voted on Monday to discontinue the crippled and neglected program known to locals as the “City of Detroit.” Founded in 1701 by French nobleman Antoine de la Mothe, the City of Detroit initiative was, according to urban planning expert Walter Lee, “doomed from the

Area Girl Frustrated by Boyfriend’s Willingness to Commit

THROES OF LOVE – Junior Margaret Greene admitted to being a little taken aback by how ready her new boyfriend, Dale Marshall, was to engage in a full-scale relationship. “Like, I knew he was a nice guy and everything,” said Greene, still a little dazed, “but after we hooked up last weekend, he like, texted

Sophomore Decides Early October Definitely Too Late to Get Involved on Campus

BROKEN-IN FUTON – Although University classes have only been in session for just over a month, LSA sophomore John Katzman has declared that this past Friday was the absolute deadline to get involved in campus activities. Totally convinced that his classes demand too much time to allow for extracurriculars, John Katzman will not be joining

Freshman’s Posters Deemed ‘Satisfactorily Hip’ by Roommate Council of Elders

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MURFIN AVE. – Freshman Caleb Loftus breathed a collective sigh of relief when the portfolio of posters he had assembled for review was deemed to be “a satisfactorily-hip combination of the obscure and the mainstream” by the Roommate Council of Elders. The approval follows a week of deliberation by the Council, during which time Loftus

Freshman Roommates Starting to Really Get to Know, Secretly Hate Each Other

MARKLEY – Although it has only been a little over a month, LSA freshmen and newly-acquainted roommates Lauren McGuinness and Ashley Brookes have already begun the time-honored college dorm tradition of intimately knowing and secretly despising one another. From intimate talks to general cohabitation, the new roommates have already found numerous personality traits in the

Student Buys Sexy Halloween Costume to Compensate for Unattractive Face, Body

AISLE 7 OF A SEASONAL HALLOWEEN COSTUME STORE – Although LSA sophomore Amanda Hamilton has been described by friends and acquaintances as having “slightly crossed eyes,” “an unsettling gum-to-tooth ratio,” and a physique “disturbingly reminiscent of a 200-pound toddler,” she has high hopes for what the perfect costume choice can do for her love life

Poli Sci Student Attempts to Pick Up Asian Minor, Gets Degree Instead

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CAMPUS – Political Science major Jason Metti’s recent efforts to pick up an Asian minor culminated on Wednesday in his unfortunate and unintended acquisition of a minor in Asian Studies. Metti’s pursuit of an underaged Asian female began last week, when he noticed a sign posted outside the Newnan Advising Center that advertised in apparently

That One Overly Competitive Team Still Ruining Intramural Soccer League for Everyone Else

MITCHELL FIELD – Multiple intramural athletes who compete in the Co-Rec B League have reported that their games have been spoiled by a team within their division known as ARSENAL DOMINATION XXX. Opponents have complained that games against the team are incredibly demoralizing and not at all enjoyable because all 13 students on Arsenal’s roster

Citing Low Turnout, Next UMix to Feature Tastier Snacks, Alcohol

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MICHIGAN UNION – Due to dismal turnout in recent weeks, the Office of Student Affairs announced on Wednesday that the next UMix Late Night would feature much better snacks like frozen yogurt, cupcakes, orange chicken, Jimmy Johns – and also a fully-stocked open bar. “At the Office of Student Affairs, we really try to be

Florida Determined to Fuck Up This Year’s Election

TALLAHASSEE – Florida state election officials are feverishly preparing to royally fuck up November’s presidential contest, say Florida state election officials. “Every four years, our great nation comes together to elect its commander-in-chief,” said Florida Secretary of State Ken Detzner in prepared remarks. “And every four years, we Floridians make sure that our idiotic voices

Obama Looking Forward to Nov. 6th Election, Nov. 7th Blunt

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WHITE HOUSE – With the campaign season coming to a fierce and competitive close, incumbent President Barack Obama is eagerly anticipating Election Day on November 6th but is even more excited for his November 7th blunt. “Casting a ballot on Tuesday, November 6th will continue the celebrated American tradition that exemplifies our country’s glorious foundations

Romney Whips Out Penis in 11th-Hour Hail Mary Bid for Female Vote

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DENVER – With the spotlight shining on both candidates Wednesday night during the first of the Presidential debates, Mitt Romney took the opportunity to make a bold, last- minute play for the female vote by presenting his penis to the crowd. The unveiling came just over 30 minutes into the debate, when moderator Jim Lehrer

In New ‘Green’ Initiative, Filmmakers to Construct Movies From 85% Recycled Material

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BEVERLY HILLS – Ever on the cutting-edge of environmentally-conscious policy, major producers and directors in America’s film industry have signaled their commitment to our planet by announcing an initiative to reutilize more characters, plotlines, and settings in their cinematic works. Warner Brothers Studios CEO Lance Waldorf explained that this move would streamline this sector of

NASA’s Next Mission to be Funded Entirely Through Kickstarter

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – In light of the uncertainty looming over NASA’s budgetary future, the agency announced that its next mission – an attempt at establishing a permanent lunar base – will be funded solely through the popular “crowdsourcing” site known as Kickstarter. Widely used by aspiring filmmakers, quirky entrepreneurs, and musicians who lack the talent

Masturbation Schedule Fits Perfectly with Roommate’s Class Schedule

SOUTH QUAD – Sources confirmed Tuesday that LSA freshman Donnie O’Hare’s masturbation schedule has been crafted to line up seamlessly with roommate Nathan Sholtzsky’s fall semester slate of classes. “It really wasn’t that hard,” O’Hare said. “I just flipped open his laptop, checked his enrollment tabs on Wolverine Access, and penciled in my masturbation sessions

Student Wondering How Class 2 Felony Might Play in Grad School Application Essay

INCREASINGLY SMALL-SEEMING OFF-CAMPUS APARTMENT – After struggling for several weeks to find a story from his past worth telling in his essay for law school admission, LSA senior Rob Lusman is beginning to wonder whether it might be easier to just commit a felony and write about that in order to give his essay the

Triangle Extends Bids to 17 Girls in Order to Socially Interact with Females

CAMPUS – After their last party set a campus record with its 50:0 guy-to-girl ratio, Triangle Fraternity has been involved in intense negotiations with the Pan-Hellenic Council and Interfraternity Council regarding the possibility of accepting female members. The councils are expected to render a joint decision by late October. “Sure, we’ll get crap for it,

Ross School Adds Violating Business Ethics Course to Core Curriculum

TAPPAN AVE. – As part of its effort to enhance its students’ chances for success in an increasingly competitive job market, the Ross School of Business announced on Tuesday that beginning next semester the school will add BA 239: Violating Business Ethicsto its list of required courses for BBA candidates. Student response was mostly favorable,

Area Woman Uses Yoga Pants Only for Yoga

ANN ARBOR – In a move that has disappointed warm-blooded ass-men nationwide, recent Hard Tail customer Hannah Gilbert reportedly plans to don her new yoga pants only when actually practicing yoga. “They’re super comfortable,” said Gilbert, an LSA sophomore. “But since I only have this pair, I’d rather only wear them for my Bikram yoga

Area Man’s Multiple Personalities Making It Difficult to Write Coherent Résumé

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CAREER CENTER – LSA senior Landon Brady reports that his fractured persona, the result of dissociative identity disorder, is making it very challenging to succinctly explain his interests and experiences in a single-page curriculum vitae. “Well, it usually takes me a day or so to catalogue all the charitable work I’ve done during my college