Women Earn Right to Die for Country: Still Waiting on Right to Not Be Treated Like Shit

AMERICA – Women nationwide were thrilled to celebrate a huge victory for equality as the Pentagon lifted its ban barring them from combat, although they still admit that it would be “pretty nice” to eventually be treated like human beings. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m really grateful,” said Navy Pfc. Shauna Winters. “I feel like

Sexual-Intimacy Metaphor to Abandon Baseball Terminology, Embrace Gymnastics

Sources confirmed yesterday that America’s widely-used baseball sex metaphor, which employs terms such as “first base,” “third base,” and “anal base” as euphemisms for levels of sexual contact, will soon be replaced with an elaborate new gymnastics analogy. By judging all performers on a scale from one to 10 and taking into account not only

Student from Upper Peninsula Doesn’t Understand People’s Problem with Snow

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ANN ARBOR – Although recent sub-zero temperatures and frigid winds have broken the spirits of students across campus, especially that kid on your floor from California who didn’t know what frostbite was before having his foot amputated last January, Engineering sophomore Abe Augustuske has been seen around campus wearing nothing more than pants and a

Colorful Lights at Children’s Hospital Not Doing Much for Dying Child: ‘I Am Still Going to Die Very Soon,’ Says Child

THE PRECIPICE OF DEATH – Despite the constant, effervescent glow of brilliant blue, green, and turquoise light that emanates from the ceiling of the main lobby of C.S. Mott Children’s Hospital, fifth grader and terminal cancer patient Bobby Hughes, age 10, continues to face almost certain death in the near future. “I think they’re doing

GSI Accidentally Fills CTools Resources Folder with Entire Fifth Season of ‘Entourage’

POLSCI 353 COURSE SITE – Exclusive sources with intimate access to the CTools site for POLSCI 353: American Constitutional Politics confirmed that instead of uploading Thursday’s slides on the Electoral College and party nominations, GSI Greg Carrol instead loaded the class folders with media from his own personal iTunes library, including 4 GB of music

Annoying Friend Has Uncanny Ability to Cling to Group

Engineering freshman Adam Barillas has demonstrated uncanny skill at remaining in his friend group despite the group’s ongoing efforts to oust him. To date, Barillas, who has been described as “clingy,” “attention-seeking,” and “insufferably wracked with abandonment issues” by those who like him best, has managed to make it through at least seven different attempts

Ask a Student Who’s About to Find Out He Got Deferred

Dear Student Who’s About to Find Out He Got Deferred, I’m a freshman now in my second semester at the University and I love it here. I’ve met lots of new friends, but I really want a relationship right now. I met an awesome girl at a party recently, but she goes to school an

My Life is So Part-Time College!

Oh my Lord, Sarah, did I tell you about what I did last night? I got so wasted – we invented this drinking game where you have to take a sip of pinot grigio anytime anybody mentions an aspect of the Reagan years you liked the best. I must have drained an entire two glasses

Professional Football Replaces Sex as Top American Pastime

We here at the E3W typically don’t accept unsolicited submissions, but we do make an exception for those born between the years 1923 and 1926. We hope you enjoy this article, which was written by an 87-year-old University alum and “religious reader” of the E3W, and edited by the E3W. Roger Goodell, Commissioner and Grand

Steven A. Smith and Skip Bayless Lament Lack of Meaningful Discourse in Washington

FAR AWAY FROM ONE ANOTHER – During a recent episode of ESPN: First Take, Steven A. Smith and Skip Bayless, sports analysts and co-winners of the 2012 “Person You’d Least Like to Sit Next to at a Dinner Party” award, decried the lack of serious dialogue in the American political system. “As I look at

Al-Qaeda Claiming Responsibility for Just About Anything Nowadays

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A CAVE – Hoping to increase its relevance in the global jihad against Western imperialism, al-Qaeda has begun to expand the range of activities for which its willing to claim responsibility to more unconventional events. “Suicide bombings are so 2001. Any schmuck with a few pounds of nitroglycerin and an old pickup truck can claim

Chinese Hackers Apologize to NY Times: Say They Were Just Trying to Get Around Paywall

UANGZHOU, GUANGDONG PROVINCE – Generals from the People’s Liberation Army offered their “most sincere apologies” to the New York Times after the newspaper published an extensive account claiming it had been hacked by the Chinese. The 52nd Cyberwarfare Infantry Brigade was “only trying to keep up with Nate Silver’s latest fascinating blog posts,” said Army

Ahmadinejad’s Encouraging Kindergarten Teacher ‘Has a Lot to Answer For,’ Say Critics

TEHRAN – The global reaction to Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s announcement that he would like to be his nation’s first astronaut has been largely derisive, with many in the international community mocking the president for his childish aspiration. But in recent weeks, more and more of the president’s enemies have sought out the person who

Student Seeks Culture, Weed on Streets of Spain

SOME SEEDY ALLEY IN SEVILLE – In an effort to more fully experience Spanish youth culture, LSA junior Rebecca Allister successfully orchestrated a marijuana purchase while studying abroad this semester. Allister completed her first transaction for cannabis since leaving the United States after consulting various Spanish sources, including her roommate, her host mother, and a

North Korea Announces Successful Annihilation of Subterranean Imperialists

KOREAN CENTRAL NEWS AGENCY – North Korean leader Kim Jong-un announced proudly today that advancing below-ground forces were annihilated in a targeted underground nuclear strike. “For too long, imperialist forces have been attempting to sneak into our country by tunnelling through our decrepit sewer systems and trying to overthrow our magnificent nation,” explained the Supreme

Syrian Tourism Board Looks to Expand ‘Explore the Ruins’ Initiative

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DAMASCUS – With the recent discovery of a complex system of ruins throughout Syria’s northern region, the Syrian Tourism Board’s previously stagnant “Explore the Ruins” campaign is expected to undergo rapid expansion. The sites, many of which date back to the second Assad era of the third millennium A.D., came as a complete surprise to

John Kerry Getting Hooked on ‘Sex and the City’ DVDs Left Aboard State Department Jet

Senior officials confirm that newly-inducted Secretary of State John Kerry has become “very invested” in the Sex and the City DVD box set left aboard his government jet. As the United States’ top diplomat, Kerry spends much of his waking life in a security-enhanced Boeing 747, and when not catching up on sleep or preparing

Dell Computer Accidentally Purchased by Carl

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YPSILANTI – According to industry sources, area man Carl Stevenson recently purchased Dell Computer, Inc., the struggling PC maker, for $1535.67 after attempting to buy a new desktop on the company’s website. “I owned an Lenovo for a few years, but it died on me, so I needed to get a new computer,” said Carl.

Apparently Pro-Cancer Student Planning to Skip Relay for Life

WEST QUAD – Despite receiving numerous reminders to register as a volunteer for his floor’s Relay for Life team, LSA junior Sam Ogland has still not done so because, apparently, he enjoys living in a world where cancer wins. This year’s Relay for Life event will be held on April 20th. Ogland has made it

Floridian Student Unable to Distinguish Seasonal Depression from Dying

NETHERWORLD BETWEEN LIFE AND DEATH – Sources reported yesterday afternoon that LSA sophomore Brittany DeMaio, who hails from Tampa Bay and suffers from the depressive symptoms of seasonal affective disorder (SAD), is unable to distinguish between this condition and actually dying. DeMaio has not left her bed in over a week, as nearly two decades

Martial Law Declared in Bursley Dining Hall

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MURFIN AVENUE – Citing a “clear and present danger,” as well as a complete lack of order and control, Presidents Mary Sue Coleman and Barack Obama have jointly declared martial law in the Bursley Residence Hall dining area, move that many North Campus residents have been calling “a pleasant change” and “long overdue.” In a

Voice Major Aces Audition for Role of Most Annoying Roommate Ever

BURSLEY HALL – Freshman Lance Anders, a vocal-performance major from Piscataway, N.J., excitedly announced last Friday that he has been cast as “Unbearable Roommate Number 1” following a grueling audition process. The selection was made by the other inhabitant of Anders’ dorm room, LSA freshman Tom Primack, after Anders’ stellar rendition of “The Words From

Stock Market Soars on News of Stock Market Soaring

THE STOCK EXCHANGE – Equity markets rallied Friday after stronger-than-expected Friday stock action helped lift shares on Friday. Screens began flashing notification of large share purchases around 10:17 a.m., at which point the floor of the Exchange became a frenzy of activity. Shortly thereafter, it was revealed that many stocks had been purchased, which many

Pistorius Overcomes Adversity, Becomes First Double-Amputee Olympian to Murder Girlfriend

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JOHANNESBURG CITY PRISON, HANDICAP BLOCK – Oscar Pistorius, the first athlete without legs to compete in the Olympic Games, also became the first athlete without legs to brutally murder his girlfriend early Thursday morning. In a feat many have described as “nothing short of extraordinary,” Pistorius recorded the first sub-4.2-second bed-to-bathroom-sprint-with-pistol-in-hand. His achievement is an

NHL Owners, Players Agree to Share Whatever Profits They Can Manage to Earn Until Next Lockout

PENALTY BOX – After nearly four months of negotiations, countless arbitration meetings, and five boardroom-clearing brawls, the NHL Players’ Association and league owners agreed to a profit-sharing deal that will fairly distribute the $115 the league as a whole will make this year after pissing off its entire fan base. Despite the financial difficulties faced

Hugo Chavez Joins Fidel Castro at Exclusive Resort for Ailing Autocrats

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‘They Are Definitely Not Dead,’ State Media Reports HAVANA – Despite missing his fourth inauguration to undergo cancer-related surgery in Cuba, Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez is reportedly doing “muy bien” at the island’s premier getaway for socialist despots who just can’t seem to die. Chavez, who has not been seen or heard from since early

From Our Well-Intentioned Japanese News Bureau: Noh Hwan Inducted into MLB Hall of Fame

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KYODO TSUSHIN / KYODO NEWS AGENCY – Capping one of the most illustrious careers in modern Japanese sports, the prolific utility infielder/outfielder/pitcher Noh Hwan was recently inducted into the U.S. National Baseball Hall of Fame, marking a great sporting achievement for our nation. After starting his career with Hiroshima Half-Lifes in 1992, Noh Hwan made

Braxton Miller Displays New Affinity for Girls with Poor Driving Skills, Leukemia

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COLUMBUS, Ohio – According to sources inside the huddle, 2013 Ohio State Heisman hopeful Braxton Miller has recently been seen at local bars approaching girls with pasty skin and short-to-no hair. Miller’s teammates report that this new behavior does not surprise them, as it is merely further evidence of the star quarterback’s “undying selflessness and

Why Snapchat® is God’s Chosen Way to Touch Our Youth

For too many years, the Holy See has struggled to truly connect with the youth of the world. Verily, though, by the grace of God, His Holiness and a team of Godless app developers in California have delivered unto us a wondrous creation, a magical wonder that allows the Catholic Church to touch the young

2012 ‘Academy Awards’ Frontrunner for 2013 Academy Awards Awards

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HOLLYWOOD – Excitement is building in Tinseltown as leading figures in the awards industry prepare to present the Academy Awards Awards, honoring the finest in award shows all around the globe. Daytime Emmy, the 2005 recipient of the Best Awards Show in a Supporting Role Award, is slated to host. Speculation as to what will