Before We Conclude This Mass, I’d Like to Give a Couple of ‘Shout-Outs’

Brothers and sisters, I’d like to give a few words of thanks to some very special people before we end our service today. ‘Ayo, shout out to my crew first off. We got Father Clarence from Notre Dame of Saints, Ol’ Dirty Seminarian from Saint Peter’s, and Reverend Run from Run D.M.C. Second off, I

I’m Not So Sure About This ‘Michigan’ Place

So let me get this straight, Pat: last night, I flew 500 miles out of Newark, cancelled an alpha-hydroxy peel booked months in advance, and skipped what was arguably one of the most important PTA meetings of the year just to visit a school that won’t even hire a full-grown adult to lead the campus

I Told You I Wasn’t Guilty of Extortion Related to the Eastside Sewer-Repair Contract

Let me just start by saying that I know I’m not perfect. I’m not trying to claim that I am. Lord knows I’ve done my fair share of racketeering, bribery, wire fraud, tax fraud, mail fraud, extortion, attempted extortion, conspiracy, and attempted conspiracy. Yes, it’s true: I’ve committed extortion related to a city sewer-lining contract.

I May Be a Sex Addict, but I Still Get More Pussy Than You

Hello everybody. My name is Mark, and I’m a sex addict. For the past eight years, I’ve struggled with the demons of being addicted to sexual intercourse. I’ve lived a life of meaningless, shallow sex and fleeting relationships. And I’ve gotten laid soooooo many more times that you all have. My debilitating addiction has caused

For the Love of God, Just Kill Me

Hey, you there, with the muffin and the MacBook. Yes, you. I need you to do something for me without asking any questions. I need you to kill me. Why, you ask? Let me tell you a little story: When I rolled off the assembly line in South Korea five years ago, I was a

Ayatotally Khameineed the U.S. and Israel to Stop Threatening Our Nuclear Program

We here at the E3W typically don’t accept unsolicited submissions, but we do make an exception for the theocratic heads of state who may or may not have imprisoned two of our writers. We hope you enjoy this short article, which was written by the Grand Ayatollah of the Islamic Republic of Iran and budding

Cat Rescues Firefighter from Ground

CATHERINE ST. – In an act of selfless heroism, Mr. Chin, the adorable 12-pound tabby cat of Fred and Melissa LaGrange, rescued firefighter Thomas Lamont from an area sidewalk on Friday night. Lamont, who had been stuck at ground level for the last 35 years, said he was on the verge of panic until he

Genetically-Modified Apple Totally Harmless, Says Satan

Sources at a local Meijer have confirmed that Satan recently ascended from the depths of hell in order to tempt human beings with irresistible genetically-modified fruit. “Hey, anyone interested in some bright, shiny, totally not-unhealthy fruit with absolutely no negative consequences for human beings whatsoever?” asked Satan while standing in front of the non-organic produce

University Designates 6th Floor of Hatcher Library ‘Coitus Corridor’

Genocide

In response to complaints from students engaging in lewd sexual acts in the upper-floor rooms of the Hatcher Graduate Library, the University Board of Regents has sought out “manageable solutions” to meet the “high demand” for easily-accessible erotic chambers in campus facilities. “Students have a variety of different needs that we’d like to satisfy whenever

Student Applying for Multiple Externships Still Has No Clue What Externship Is

Ross sophomore Andy Carter recently admitted to friends, family, and everyone he knows besides recruiters for Boston Consulting Group that he has no idea what an externship is or what a position as an extern might entail. Carter has become increasingly worried about his ignorance of corporate summer-work programs ever since he began applying for

Local Idiom Found Dead in the Water

Investigators from the Ann Arbor Police Department are working around the clock and burning the midnight oil to close the case on why a local idiom turned up dead in the water Monday morning. An early-bird, local fisherman Bob Dawson, burst the bubble on the crime after he found himself far up the creek without

Life All Downhill for Fifth-Grade Reading Champ

NOT WHERE SHE EXPECTED TO BE, THAT’S FOR SURE ‒ From her room in the long-abandoned Baits I, total personal failure and LSA sophomore Carly Huffman reported Tuesday morning that her life had never before seemed like “such a complete and utter waste of time.” This realization marks the nadir of quite a fall for

Michigan RAs Form Secret ‘Social Justice League’ to Combat Evil Forces of White Male Privilege

SJL

THE FORTRESS OF STIFLING POLITICAL CORRECTNESS – An elite group of genetically-unmodified campus Resident Advisors has recently joined together to form a band of vigilantes called the Social Justice League, according to sources deep within the Cave of Gender Neutrality. Citing the rampant spread of insensitive speech and incidents of hurt feelings, the shadowy League

Pope Francis Spoils Dramatic Conclusion of Hit TV Series ‘The Bible’

JOHN 3:16 – Fans of the History Channel’s popular fantasy epic The Bible unexpectedly found themselves treated to a slew of plot spoilers earlier this month during the televised broadcast of Pope Francis’s inaugural homily. To the dismay of millions watching, the pope formerly known as Jorge Mario Bergoglio revealed a number of The Bible’s

Athletic Department Launches Second ‘HAIL’ App to Reward Athletes for Class Attendance

Hail

Following the Honoring Attendance, Involvement, and Loyalty app’s overwhelming success in drawing students to University athletic events, the University Athletic Department is launching a brand-new version of HAIL intended to draw athletes to academic events, such as class. The new version of HAIL ‒ which now stands for Honoring Attendance, In-Class-Beingness, and (Hopefully) Learning ‒

BuzzFeed User Unsure Whether Post on Congolese Civil War ‘OMG,’ ‘Eww,’ or ‘WTF’

Sources confirmed Wednesday that Mary Keating, an Ann Arbor resident and frequent user of the crowdsourced viral content blog BuzzFeed, was deeply confused when she attempted to react to a trending article regarding the ongoing Congolese civil war in terms of the site’s relevant “Boost” categories, “OMG,” “Eww,” and “WTF.” “Those really gory pics of

Obama’s College Bong a Horcrux, Drunk Biden Reveals

WASHINGTON D.C. – Late last night, Vice President Joe Biden loudly alleged to reporters and customers at Bobby’s Bar & Grill that Barack Obama’s well-worn college bong contains a piece of the president’s soul. Better known as a “horcrux,” the bong could be just one of several soul fragments hidden around the world to prevent

Twitter Blows Up After Leaked Pictures of Kate Middleton’s Baby Room Surface: 5000 B-List Celebrities Killed in Blast

Earlier this week, E!HollywoodNews.com posted leaked images of Kate Middleton’s nursery room, leading to a sustained flurry of Twitter activity that ultimately caused the social media site’s servers to combust. Reports indicate that the Internet-wide conflagration has caused unthinkable carnage to offices and personal workspaces around the world. Authorities estimate that the series of blasts

Nike Still Looking for Endorsable Athlete Who Is Not Cheater, Sex Addict, or Murderer

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BEAVERTON, Oregon – Nike Inc. spokesperson Andres Edgerton admitted Tuesday afternoon that the sports apparel manufacturer is still searching for a halfway-decent athlete to associate itself with in light of the murder charges facing Oscar Pistorius, the revelations of Tiger Woods’ sexual infidelity, and the public disclosure that Lance Armstrong is a complete and utter

Heroic YouTube Viewer Comments on Music Video with Lyrics

The Internet rejoiced Monday morning after a user posted a verbatim line from Gotye’s “Somebody That I Used to Know” in its comments section on YouTube. The posting user, known only as Cr4bapple, has since garnered praise from many regular comment-section participants. Sources say the comment, “now ur just somebody that i used 2 no,”

NCAA President Looking Forward to Someday Vacating All of Calipari’s Seasons at Kentucky Besides this One

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THE NIT, THE GODDAMN NIT! – Sources report that NCAA President Mark Emmert has spent countless hours giggling to himself during the past week, repeatedly reminding himself that he will someday get to vacate every one of University of Kentucky head coach John Calipari’s seasons except perhaps just this one. Emmert has repeatedly mumbled under

Ghost of Ronald Reagan Returns to Realm of the Living to Encourage Republicans to Move On

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Amid eerie noises and creaking floorboards, the spectre of Ronald Reagan transcended the limits of life and death on Tuesday as his floating translucent figure appeared in front of Congressional Republicans to encourage them to revamp their political strategy. The GOP has mourned the loss of President Reagan since his death in 2004 and has

Detroit to Get Manager

LANSING – Heralding the arrival of a new era for the troubled city, Governor Rick Snyder announced on Tuesday that he had appointed the first manager in Detroit’s checkered history. “The time has come for Michigan’s largest city to be managed, by a manager,” said the governor at a press conference in front of the

Here Is an Article that Offends No One

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Here at the Every Three Weekly, we often receive complaints about our treatment of certain contentious issues. In response to concerns that this newspaper’s content may be troubling to some, we are happy to announce that we will soon begin printing more articles that will in no way push any envelopes, investigate social issues, or

GE Overseas Profit Controversy Welcome Distraction from GE Underseas Profit Hiding

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MARIANAS TRENCH NATIONAL BANK‒ In response to persistent criticism about a policy that requires it to keep billions of dollars in offshore bank accounts, the General Electric Company held a press conference on the deck of one of its aircraft carriers here yesterday to clear the air. “It was never our intention to avoid paying

Israel to Expand Wildlife Preserves by Demolishing Palestinian Settlements

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SWAMPY AREA FORMERLY KNOWN AS GAZA – According to a recent statement released by the prime minister’s office, the Israeli government is planning to undertake a massive wildlife restoration project aimed at expanding the wetlands in the eastern, western, and especially southwestern portions of the Jewish state. Showing a commitment to wildlife normally not displayed

Alleged Bin Laden Relative Pleads ‘Not Bin Laden’ in Terrorism Case

NEW YORK FEDERAL COURT – Sulaiman Abu Ghaith, the alleged son-in-law of the deceased al-Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden, entered a plea of “not guilty by reason of not being Osama bin Laden” in open court here on Monday. “That guy who masterminded every element of the 9/11 attacks? Yeah, I’m not him.” said the

Kim Jong-Un Asks to Invade ‘Just the Tip’ of South Korea

Rather than declare a full-on war against his northern neighbor in an effort to reunify the divided peninsula, North Korean leader Kim Jong-Un is now trying to convince South Korea to at least allow him to pursue a strategy of partial penetration. “Look, I recognize that I may have been pressuring you into a little

Sadomasochism Freak with Al Qaeda Ties Just Begging for Another Round of Torture

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DINGY TORTURE CHAMBER/SEX DUNGEON ‒ Iraqi police confirmed yesterday that its interrogators have taken the day off from interrogation to brainstorm a new way to break the spirit of an unnamed Al Qaeda captive who is aroused by S&M, as well as every interrogation tactic they have attempted. “You know the drill,” said Fariq Abdelquadur,

‘We Found Nothing of Interest in Mysterious Ancient Antarctic Lake,’ Say Shifty-Eyed Russian Scientists

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LAKE VOSTOK, Antarctica – Rapidly moving their heads from side to side and emitting a strange green glow, Russian scientists announced today that they had found “nothing of note” during their decade-long research into this subsurface Antarctic lake, which was once thought to harbor exotic ancient life-forms. “There are no organisms living in Lake Vostok.