Report: Nothing Sadder Than the Tiny, Obligatory Hanukkah Aisle in the Middle of Meijer

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HOWELL, Mich. – Sources have confirmed that there is nothing more depressing than the 3’-by-2’ mini-aisle dedicated to the Jewish Festival of Lights nestled between row after row of Christmas items in Meijer store #1107. The display, which boasts two menorahs, a yarmulke, a Rodney Dangerfield comedy album, and a plethora of “Happy Bar Mitzvah!”

Pretentious 5-Year-Old Looking Forward to Kindergarten’s ‘Networking Opportunities’


P.S. 513 – Local preschooler Ronnie Maddow is incredibly excited to begin kindergarten and start networking with his peers, say sources within the principal’s office. “I recognize that I’m at that point in my pre-professional life where I should begin getting my name out there and discussing my prospects with like-minded individuals,” Maddow said, adding,

Vancouver City Officials Report Unusual Lack of Riots this Hockey Season


VANCOUVER — Vancouver Police Chief Gary Anderson remarked during a press conference this week that the incidence of disgruntled pitchfork-wielding citizens taking to the streets is markedly decreased this winter, in comparison to the last few years. Anderson proposed many possible explanations for this change, such as the presence of more uniformed officers on the

600 Million Indians Left Without Power in Wake of Hurricane Sandy

NEW JERSEY THEN NEW DELHI SOMEHOW — Hurricane Sandy, the monstrous “frankenstorm” that terrorized the East Coast last week killing scores, is responsible for rolling blackouts affecting nearly half of India’s population of 1.2 billion, say government officials. The outages started last Monday, as Hurricane Sandy was bearing down on New York City.  As the

Study-Abroad Student Has No Idea How Excited Republic of Kyrgyzstan Is to Welcome Him

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BISHKEK, KYRGYZSTAN — Excitement spread rapidly throughout the capital of Kyrgyzstan this week following recent news that an American undergraduate student will be spending the coming semester in the small central Asian country. Children are smiling, the economy has been revitalized, and families are busy preparing their livestock for celebratory slaughter. A few weeks ago,

Obituary: Grandma Shubert of South Quadrangle


Known best for her mirthful spirit, joyous laughter, and trademark meatloaf served in South Quad cafeteria, Grandma Shubert passed away last week at the age of 78. Though no official report has been announced regarding her unfortunate demise, she presumably died from shame, as the quality of the meatloaf is so goddamn awful now. In

Public Works Project ‘Definitely an Inside Job’

SOUTH FOREST AVE. — Area tinfoil-hat aficionado and self-proclaimed purveyor of the “truth” Wayne Kirkwood reports to have uncovered a massive government conspiracy involving road construction in his neighborhood. “I was driving home one night when it hit me,” said Kirkwood. “The construction on my street was just too fucking convoluted to be carried out

Former Hipster Anemic Due to Lack of Irony

SOMEWHERE YOU’VE PROBABLY NEVER HEARD OF — Recovering hipster Ian Hamilton collapsed on the street yesterday, in what doctors believe to be a case of severe irony deficiency. First responders on the scene were able to quickly administer two tracks off of Arcade Fire’s 2001 demo tape to stabilize Hamilton before transferring him to the

Report: Most Recent College Grads Unable to Read World, Mall Maps


PORTLAND, Ore. — A new report published this week by the University of Oregon Department of Sociology revealed that 88% of recent college graduates, when asked to locate JCPenney on a mall map, responded that it is “somewhere on the left side of this wall-picture thing.” The study, which sampled 4,185 men and women who

Sophomore Lands Prestigious Internship Due to Excellent Communication Skills, Mother


MIDTOWN MANHATTAN — LSA sophomore Max Rosenberg on Tuesday was offered a highly-competitive summer analyst position at JPMorgan Chase, placing him among a select group of the nation’s best and brightest young people. Rosenberg was likely offered the paid internship thanks to his “track record of success and strong attention to detail,” according to his

Failure to Accept ‘Niece’ Request on Facebook Reignites Family Feud

RICHMOND, Va. — Tensions flared between rival factions of Jenna Halbright’s extended family earlier this week following the alleged denial of Aunt Sarah Watson’s request to list Jenna as her niece on Facebook. “You know, she never really thought of Sarah as much of an aunt anyway,” said Jenna’s mother, Kelly Halbright. “And I don’t

Report: Newborn Son Fucking Mooch


OLIVIA AVENUE — New mother Ashley Tyson, who recently gave birth to her first child, a 7-pound-9-ounce bundle of joy named Henry, reports that her newborn son is a total goddamn sponge. “I mean, I’ll just be eating some applesauce or something and he’ll literally just sit there and cry until I give him some,”

North Face Jackets Embarrassed by Wearing Same Style of Sorority Girl

OUTSIDE — With the crisp and cool autumn weather here to stay, T-shirts and sundresses have been set aside in favor of warmer, more suitable fall attire. It seems, however, that North Face brand jackets have found themselves in an embarrassing situation, as many of them have been seen “coincidentally” wearing the same kind of

Area Man Deeply Offended by Thing He’s Still Reading

A local man today refused to put down a paper he was reading, even though he found the paper’s content to be a wildly offensive bastardization of what a morally-upright publication ought to be. Practically seething from the article’s gratuitous use of words like “fuck,” “bitch-ass,” and “pussy,” the fucking bitch-ass pussy nonetheless continued reading,

Racial Barrier Re-shattered in Historic Re-election


Barack Hussein Obama was re-elected the 44th president of the United States on Tuesday, demolishing the last racial barrier in American politics with ease as the nation chose him as its first second black commander-in-chief. Mr. Obama, a first-term president from Hawaii, defeated former Massachusetts Governor Willard Mitt Romney, who was making his second bid

Apple Lauded in Middle East for Wiping Israel Off Maps™

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THE FERTILE CRESCENT — Although many technology critics have complained that Apple’s iPhone Maps application is borderline unusable, the company has garnered praise from some Middle Eastern users for completely omitting the state of Israel from the face of the Earth. “Praise be Allah, Praise be Apple Incorporated!” exclaimed Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, a fervent

National Guard Dispatched to Most Dangerous Place in America: the Town from Murder, She Wrote

CABOT COVE, Maine — In an effort to end a vicious crime wave that has plagued the American northeast for decades, 20,000 reserve troops from the National Guard were deployed this week to Cabot Cove, Maine, the sleepy, nondescript town from CBS’s long-running mystery series Murder, She Wrote. According to entertainment journalists, the crime-ridden community

Cocaine Enters Rehab for Lindsay Lohan Addiction

VENICE BEACH— In a tearful interview with Inside Edition, the substance benzoylmethylecgonine – more commonly known as cocaine – admitted that it is battling an addiction to the actress Lindsay Lohan. Cocaine says that it has been abusing the starlet since they met in Jamie Lee Curtis’ trailer on the set of Freaky Friday in

Loser Dies at Age 90


George McGovern, who served as a United States senator for 18 years but will always be remembered for losing big time to Richard Nixon in the 1972 presidential election, also lost a battle to continue living on Wednesday. He was 90. Despite accomplishing some other stuff, which future historians will almost certainly ignore, McGovern’s defining

Mars Rover Constantly Distracted by Shiny Objects


MARS CITY, MARS — To the tune of $2.5 billion being senselessly thrown into an interplanetary trash can, NASA scientists have been furiously banging their heads against a wall all week as the Curiosity rover continues to be distracted by shiny metal objects never before encountered by mankind. “We were looking for rocks and dust

FOX Adds ‘America’s Next Treasury Secretary’ to Fall Lineup


WASHINGTON, D.C. — Following rumors that Timothy Geithner will resign as Secretary of the Treasury following the November election, FOX has announced a new show that will give thousands of Americans a chance at their dream: to be the architect of the world’s largest economy. The search will be conducted “the American way” – through

‘Jurassic Park’ Point-Counterpoint

POINT: Jurassic Park is Scientifically Impossible By Mark Hamblin, Paleontologist It pains me to say that last month, after years of work, my team of paleogeneticists debunked the entire premise of Michael Crichton’s Jurassic Park. You see, the idea of extracting 80-million-year-old DNA from mosquitoes trapped in amber is absolutely impossible, because as my assistants

Spartan Loss: A Product of Poor Offense, or a History of Pederasty?

Listen, Philhellenes, I know we’re all very excited about the outcome of our modern gladiatorial match against the Spartans of Michigan State. But let me remind you of that old proverb that those who do not learn history are doomed to repeat it. When looking back on the 900th win of this educational forum, do

Ask the Awkward Kid in Your Hall Desperately Looking for a Place to Live Next Year

Dear Awkward Kid in My Hall Desperately Looking for a Place to Live Next Year, Ever since my boyfriend’s cousin died two months ago, he hasn’t been the same. He used to be so sweet and caring, but now, he’s moody and withdrawn. He skips class, sleeps all day, and has started to mock me

Federal Reserve Terrorist Point-Counterpoint

Point: Terrorist at Federal Reserve Foiled by FBI Sting By The Associated Press NEW YORK – Federal prosecutors have charged a Bangladeshi national with conspiring to destroy the Federal Reserve Bank of New York, alleging that he attempted to remotely detonate what he believed was a thousand-pound bomb in a vehicle parked outside the building.

How About That First Debate Though, Am I Right?

Well, that was some election. Really thought I had it there until the results started coming in. You can’t win them all I guess. But boy, do you guys remember that first debate? That sure was something, huh? Gosh, I’ll never forget what that felt like, what with all the newspapers and TV anchors talking

From the Time Warp: Eradication of All Known Diseases Leads to Sharp Decrease in 5Ks

THE FEDERATION OF MIDWESTERN STATES — Six months after the discovery of a cure for muscular dystrophy, researchers in Indiana, Michigan, Illinois, and the People’s Republic of Illinois have noticed a widespread reduction in the number of five-kilometer races, dance marathons, and college bake sales taking place. As a result, countless human citizens have taken

Orlando Magic to Become Lakers’ Developmental Team

BASKETBALL IRRELEVANCE — Less than three months after trading away Dwight Howard, the Orlando Magic are officially withdrawing from the NBA and joining the league’s developmental league, announced Magic General Manager Rob Hennigan. “With this change,” said Hennigan, “we feel the team can finally move away from burden of ‘competition’ and ‘playing to win,’ and

ESPN to Target Female Viewers with ‘ESPN Lifetime’ Channel


CHANNEL 865 — John Skipper, the president of ESPN, submitted a press release announcing the launch of the network’s newest channel, ESPN Lifetime, which will specifically target female viewers by airing women’s sports such as women’s basketball, Olympic volleyball, and synchronized passive aggression. “ESPN is proud to be the first network to offer justify the

Alzheimer’s Patients Outraged by Cuts in Research Funding, Cuts in Research Funding


NOT TOO SURE WHERE I AM – Following the disappointing failure of several high-profile Alzheimer’s disease treatments in clinical trials, the world’s leading pharmaceutical companies announced plans to scale back their neuroscience research programs, drawing fire from dementia advocates and patients alike. John Waterson, an Alzheimer’s activist who suffers from the disease himself, delivered the