Michigan League Now Operating Exclusively As Senior Citizen Social Center

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In an effort to allow the Michigan League’s most frequent users more authority over its functioning, representatives of the building announced last week that beginning September 2015, the University’s historic student center will abandon all attempts to cater towards undergraduates and instead operate overtly as a hub for local senior citizens. “After decades of failed

Forgotten Headphones Determined Good Enough Reason To Head Home for Day

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Despite his best intentions to finish an essay and get ahead on calculus homework, freshman Jack Rzyczki elected to leave the Ugli earlier than planned last Wednesday, citing chiefly that he had left his headphones at home. “I take my study time very seriously,” said Rzyczki, having just abandoned all intentions to be productive that

Radical Political Group ‘By Any Means Necessary’ Resorts To Holding Angell Hall Bake Sale

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In an unprecedented move Friday, the radical political group By Any Means Necessary, perhaps most famous for being on the FBI’s terrorist list in recent years and being vocal in both campus and state politics, took serious action against the University’s affirmative action policy by selling cupcakes in Angell Hall. The organization proceeded to promulgate

Campus Mourns Loss Of Dozens Of Half-Assed Intro Paragraphs To Fishbowl Power Outage

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The campus community was reportedly shocked by the loss of numerous poorly written outlines, hastily prepared PowerPoints and half-assed introductory paragraphs in an unexpected power outage in Mason Hall on Wednesday night. Though no official death toll has been released on the number of distractedly prepared files that were lost, a University spokesperson estimates that

Less Popular Roommate Wondering What ‘We’re’ Doing Tonight

In a typical act of social ineptitude, LSA freshman and less popular roommate Carl Hunter perceived friend and roommate Jamie Preston what “we’re up to tonight.” Hunter, described by peers as “unique,” “kind of a downer,” and “always around somehow,” rarely presents plans of his own creation and prefers to “play it by ear,” he

Screenwriting Major Expert At Crafting Tension With Roommate


Sources close to SAC major Bryan Klein report that his extensive studies of film and scriptwriting have enabled him to become highly adept at crafting tension between himself and his roommate, LSA junior Jason Goldberg. “Oh man, Bryan really has that spark that everyone in the film business seems to talk about,” said Goldberg. “He’s

‘Into My Office, Young Man! Right Now!’ Yells Schlissel While Trying To Corral Class Clown

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During the 11:00–11:10 a.m. passing time last Tuesday, LSA junior and resident prankster Robert Hyland reportedly deployed five stink bombs into the Mason Hall girls’ bathroom, causing an uproar among students and faculty, most notably University president Mark Schlissel. Schlissel, who was passing by, flipping through a manila folder and generally keeping an eye on

CSG To Boost Interest In Upcoming Elections By Fabricating Next Big Campus Controversy

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Amidst a trend of decreasing student participation the Central Student Government’s spring elections, sources confirmed Thursday that a number of CSG candidates are reportedly considering manufacturing an entirely artificial and extremely divisive campus controversy to polarize the student body and jump-start student involvement in the upcoming March 25th elections. “We’re talking national media attention, rival

Law School Looking Like Great Option For Seniors With No Other Options


As graduating seniors look to solidify their future plans, campus sources have reported that the prospect of law school seems to be “really gaining traction” among students who’ve failed to establish any clear career path, grown to detest the field of study they’ve chosen or realized they are entirely unprepared for life outside of a

Study: 47% of Americans Unable to Identify Their Congressman’s Killer

A recent poll released by the Annenberg Public Policy Center revealed that, when prompted, nearly 50% of U.S. citizens were unable to provide the identity of their congressman’s assassin. “The report is a startling reminder of the general populace’s apathy towards politics, as well as acts of revenge,” said Jodi Gottlieb, head of the study.

Family Expected Bit More From Grandfather’s Dying Wisdom

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In an underwhelming attempt to impart some kind of life lesson to his surviving relatives before passing away peacefully last Sunday evening, sources confirmed that area grandfather Harold Gargery’s words of dying wisdom fell “noticeably short” of expectations. The 87-year-old’s last words, which presented no mystery, splendor, or elevated understanding of human existence, were described

NBC to Debut Much-Anticipated Talent Show ‘America’s Got Judges’

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Citing the concept’s exceptional performance in nationwide focus groups, NBC announced Tuesday that their newest talent show, “America’s Got Judges”––in which contestants will be judged on their ability to judge by a panel of judges––is scheduled for a much-anticipated primetime debut this fall. “Judging has always been in America’s DNA. Whether it’s quietly sizing up

‘If You Get Mugged Under The Engineering Arch, That Person Will One Day Be Your Murderer,’ Explains Campus Tour Guide

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While giving a tour of Central Campus to prospective undergrads, Ford senior Ronald Kip provided a run-down on many U of M myths, most notably that of the fabled West Hall arch. “Some people say it’s a University old wives’ tale, but take caution, newbies—if you’re underneath the West Hall arch with, uh, let’s say,

Archaeologists Uncover Proto-Yik Yak in Angell Hall Bathroom Stalls

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THIRD STALL ON THE LEFT— Paleontologists were shocked to discover what they are now calling “Proto-Yik-Yak” style writing in an Angell Hall bathroom stall early Tuesday. It is one of the earliest known attempts of anonymous writers making humorous observations for the enjoyment of others. “Since the recent popularity explosion of Yik Yak, many in

Student Taking Way Too Many Notes During Psych 111 Relationships Lecture

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Much to the secondhand embarrassment of his peers, freshman Evan Dermitt reportedly spent the entirety of Wednesday’s Intro to Psychology lecture on interpersonal relationships writing uncharacteristically detailed notes. Dermitt’s atypically high level of engagement drew the attention of Dermitt’s classmate Paul Chen, who emphasized that this phenomenon left him both impressed and “bummed out.” “Evan

Grandma Sends Mysterious Card Containing Well Wishes, No Money

Reportedly left dumbfounded by the heartfelt, handwritten message from his grandmother that included nothing of monetary value, sophomore Caleb Hirsch found himself unable to discern on Wednesday his grandmother’s motivation for wishing him well without also furnishing her “favorite and only” grandson with a penny of spending money. “Don’t get me wrong,” said Hirsch. “I’m

New Reality Cooking Competition Serves Up Fresh Take on Cooking With Your Roommate’s Food


After the success of a number of reality cooking shows, the Food Network recently aired its new show “Cooking with Your Roommate’s Food,” starring Guy Fieri. With a selection of student guests and their irritated roommates, “Cooking with Your Roommate’s Food” is a high-stakes competition in which cooks must race against the clock to prepare

Kid Who Applied To One Internship At Last Minute Can’t Wait to Spend Summer in D.C.


Public health sophomore Jared Dunham believed he struck gold last night when he stumbled across an online application for a D.C. based health policy think tank while surfing the Web. After taking fifteen minutes to write out a reportedly “incredible” application, he immediately started telling friends how excited he was to be in D.C. this

Student Blames Poor Essay Grade On Lack of Peer Editing Opportunities

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Explaining that her writing process suffered from a severe lack of sketchy annotations and half-baked attempts at constructive criticism, LSA sophomore Kelly Rinaldi attributed her poor POLSCI 337 essay grade to a lack of peer editing. “Listen––I’m not saying a round of peer editing would have brought me up to an A+ or anything,” Rinaldi

Burnt-Out Student Carefully Rationing Out Semester’s Few Remaining Fucks To Give

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Saying that reserves of the precious resource had run desperately low, sources close LSA sophomore Derek McKinley confirmed that the 20-year- old linguistics major was carefully rationing out the few remaining fucks he had to give about his mounting personal, professional and academic obligations this semester. “At the nine-week mark, every last fuck counts,” said

Martha Cook Forgoes Tea Time For No-Boys-Allowed Satanic Séance

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In an attempt to connect with the changing ideals of today’s young women, housing officials from Martha Cook Residence Hall confirmed rumors that they had “spiced up” a streak of Friday high teas and Sunday formal dinners by holding a monthly satanic séance instead. “On a campus replete with undignified degeneracy, Martha Cook has, and

Self-Righteous Prick Still Following Through On New Year’s Resolution

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THE GYM—Although three long months have passed since area douchebag Steve Kowsky resolved to exercise more in 2015, according to sources, he is still going to the gym four to five times per week and letting everyone know about it. Kowsky had much to say to reporters. “New Year’s Resolutions are a great way to

Fantasy of Buying Homeless Man Sandwich Enough to Suppress Area Man’s Guilt for Entire Month


Area man Carl Hammond allowed himself a warm dose of self-congratulations after a walk past a homeless man Thursday night, triggering a daydream in which Hammond gave the man his first meal in days. Hammond reported that he passed homeless man Andrew Rickon without making eye contact, unsure of whether or not he was carrying

White House Commemorates Obama Presidency With Historic Drone & Water Show on National Mall

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As Barack Obama’s Presidency nears its close, the new White House Special Events Task Force organized a Drone and Water Show at the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool in an effort to commemorate his tenure in office. “Since President Obama took the oath of office in 2009, almost 2,500 people have been killed by U.S. drone

Unemployed Dad Even Less Wanted at Home

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Recently laid off for a lack of demonstrated value to his department, former purchasing analyst Gerald Donahue has displayed even less value in his new role as stay-at-home-dad, sources within the home reported. “He used to be too busy to come to my baseball games or help me with my homework, but now he’s trying

‘Boys Are Mean to Girls They Like,’ You Tell Yourself


Following Saturday night’s snide comments and eye rolls, sources report that you will tell yourself, once again, “It’s fine, because boys are mean to girls they like,” before quietly walking home to eat cold grilled cheese alone on the kitchen floor. “They just like to tease me, that’s all,” you reportedly said under your breath

Man Glad He Hasn’t Suffered Enough to Turn to God Yet


Confirming that his life has been a relatively smooth, deity-free ride thus far, local family man Ted Bookman told reporters Friday that he is glad he has not suffered enough to turn to the Eternal One for his answers yet. Bookman, 29, has reportedly yet to encounter any life-altering, scientifically inexplicable events that would lead

Windows 10 to Feature New, Fully Customizable Home-Screen Clusterfuck

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Citing Microsoft’s new operating system as a breakthrough in user-centered design, the technology website Wired reported Thursday that Windows 10 will give PC users an unparalleled ability to customize the focal point of the new user interface: the home screen clusterfuck. “We’ve got five weather panels, three to-do lists, a built-in Bing search bar, and

You Can’t Put A Price On The Ones You Love, But Pursuant To Statute 57 Section 36, We’re Asking for $100 Million

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By The Plaintiffs Sometimes those corny cliches are right: family is priceless. But, sometimes you also need compensation for damages caused by negligible landlords. I remember signing the contract to buy a condo at River Bay like it was yesterday. It was one of the happiest moments of my life. I was the first man

I’m Just Building Character, And Your Son Is A Fucking Pansy

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By An Angry Dad At A T-Ball Game I’m just like any other dad. I want my kid to have a meaningful experience out on the field while getting a little exercise in. I know it’s not about whether our team wins or loses, it’s how we play the game. However, I thought it might