University Announces Plans for New Student-Athlete Academic Fraud Complex

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Amid much anticipation, the University of Michigan Athletic Department unveiled its plans Tuesday for the construction of a new state-of-the-art Student Athlete Academic Fraud complex. The building, which costs over $22 million and is slated to begin construction in the fall, will be dedicated solely to the advancement of fraudulent academic activities for members of

I Should be the One to Replace Jon Stewart Because I Look the Most Like Him

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By Jordan Klepper By now, I’m sure you’ve all heard the unfortunate news that Jon Stewart will be stepping down as host of “The Daily Show.” Believe me, I’m as saddened as the rest of you, if not more so. However, there is no reason to fret, since I am confident that I am the

Guy Walking Through Frisbee Game on Diag Clearly Doesn’t Give A Fuck

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Sources confirm that freshman hallmates Cassandra Bolling, Anjali Karanjkar and Kyle Sleighter were enjoying a game of frisbee on the Diag Friday afternoon until a fellow ‘U’ student carelessly walked through the middle of the hallmates’ game. The perpetrator, in the words of Bolling, “clearly didn’t give any semblance of a fuck about what he

Terrified Schlissel Admits: “If We Stop Building, We Die”

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In a shocking announcement made last evening, a sweaty and distressed Mark Schlissel shut down critics of the University’s rampant spending by revealing that stopping construction would result in the complete obsolescence of the University of Michigan. “You don’t understand. None of you could ever understand!” said Schlissel, in a noticeable departure from his usual,

Okay, I Admit: I Did Not Kill Kennedy.

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 By Brian Williams I’ve endured a lot of criticism lately for lying about the news and my experiences. There have been many, many investigations into my past and the stories I originally reported. And before this goes any further, I want to admit one of my boldest claims was also a lie: I did not

Alternative Spring Break Destinations Brace for Seasonal Onslaught of Insufferable Do-Gooders

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While recovering from damage caused by earthquakes, hurricanes and general poverty, community members of the world’s devastated areas are scrambling to prepare for the imminent aggravation caused by the goody- two-shoes headed toward the nation’s multitude of alternative spring break programs. “When the hurricane hit us, we didn’t know what was coming. We were totally

Critics Blast ‘50 Shades’ Film for ‘Shameless’ Glorification of Tickle Torture

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Citing the film’s highly stylized depiction of the controversial S&M kink, critics blasted 50 Shades of Grey director Sam Taylor-Johnson this weekend for the film’s supposed “glorification” of the hotly-debated practice of tickle torture. “Make no mistake: tickle torture is not empowerment,” said Madeleine Davies, a prominent Jezebel blogger. “By depicting relentless tickling as an

University Accepts Record Number of Highly Financially Qualified Applicants

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Citing an aggressive outreach campaign aimed at the wealthiest 10% of high school seniors across the globe, sources within the Office of Admissions confirmed Thursday that the University enjoyed a record-breaking uptick this year in the number of applicants with outstanding financial qualifications. “As Wolverines, we’ve always taken pride in the all-around financial excellence of

Giant Periodic Table In Chem 1800 Replaced With Info On Changing Major

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As a response to changing needs among undergraduates, the periodic tables lining the walls of lecture hall 1800 in the Chemistry Building have been taken down, and large, easily-accessible posters for Newnan Advising have been raised in their place. Explained Chemistry Building manager Theresa Dekker, “What these students really need is a way out. Whatever

Study Finds Men Whom Use ‘Whom’ Get Laid More Often Than Those Whom Don’t

A study released online last week confirmed that men whom use “whom” in their everyday vocabulary receive better responses socially and, in turn, get laid more often than those whom do not. The study, conducted with hundreds of people across the country, encouraged men to use “whom” in casual conversation more often and document how

2015 Camry’s New Safety Features Not Preventing Gary From Driving Like Total Asshole

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GARY’S SICK NEW WHIP—Despite years spent on the research and development of safety features for Gary Griffith’s new Toyota Camry, there is, apparently, still nothing stopping him from driving like a total douchebag. “Yeah brah isn’t my new Camry sick? I paid extra for those shiny chrome rims,” said Mr. Griffiths, who was apparently unaware

You Can’t Make A Country Boy Outta A City Slicker. But Does The Converse Hold?

By Mathematics  PH.D. Candidate R. Boone Cunningham When I was just a boy, my ma always said, “You can’t make a country boy outta a city slicker.” Daggumit if she ain’t had it right. I done seen a great many things in this lifetime, and I ain’t never seen a city slicker pack on up

‘You Kinda Had to Be There on Five Tabs of Acid,’ Area Man Explains

Conceding that his anecdote had failed to elicit the response he’d hoped for, area man Sean Frohlich explained Thursday that it was probably “the kind of thing where you just had to be there” on a quintuple dose of acid to understand. “I’ll admit it,” Frohlich said. “I guess you really can’t get the whole

Homeless Can Collector Wins Trip To Ann Arbor Recycling Center After Finding Golden Bottle

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Local bottle collector and homeless man Marv Billingsly admitted he couldn’t believe his luck upon discovering an elusive golden bottle while rummaging through a stranger’s recyclables early Tuesday morning. The golden bottle promotion allows Billingsly and a guest of his choice to enter the famed waste disposal plant Recycle Ann Arbor, which has been famously

Pride is a Sin. But Did I Mention I’m the One True Son of God?

By Jesus Christ Brothers and sisters, as the only true son of the Almighty Creator, I urge you to not forget the most serious of the seven deadly sins: pride. If you’re feeling prideful, I urge you to remember how I lived as a humble, b u r l a p – w e a

Terminally Ill Child Milking It Bit Too Much

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Parents and students at Learning Tree Elementary are reportedly becoming frustrated with terminally ill cancer patient Jimmy Roberts, saying he’s been receiving extra attention due to his illness. Local parent Karen Richards said she has a boy in Jimmy’s class. Richards was supportive of Jimmy initially, but after the doctor extended his projected lifespan another

I Cook for Michigan Dining. But That Doesn’t Mean My Artistic Expression Has to Be Stifled.

By The East Quad Line Cook Everyone’s got dreams, kid. That’s why you’re here studying—you want to feed those dreams so they can grow up big and strong. That seafood crepe with wild rice with a balsamic reduction drizzle that you waited in line wearing slippers to receive? That’s got some of my own high-end

‘We’ll Stay In Touch’ Says Naive, Optimistic Fool

Last Monday, Ross senior and hopelessly optimistic fool Vince Walker told LSA junior Mary Scholl, a student he met at an internship information event, that they would “stay in touch.” “Mary and I shared quite a few interests and she seemed like a pretty cool person, so I thought, hey, why not? I gave her

Singer Requires Verbal Commitment From All 10,000 Concert Attendees That They Are, In Fact, Ready To Rock

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Attendees of the Red Jumpsuit Apparatus concert last Wednesday appeared ready to rock, but many were nonetheless thankful to lead singer Ronnie Winter, who stopped the concert before every song to verify that each and every attendee was indeed on board with the rocking in question. “It’s important to check,” explained Winter. “We’ve had some

Why Delivering This Pizza Was More Important Than the Life of Your Dog

By The Pizza Delivery Guy Look, before we begin, I just want to remind you that the delivery policy at Brickyard Pizza is ironclad. If I can’t get your order to you in less than 45 minutes from the time you call in, it’s free. Once I didn’t deliver an order in time and the

New Sonogram Screens For Chromosomal Mutations, Number Of Likes Ultrasound Will Get On Instagram

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On the heels of recent technological breakthroughs in the prenatal and genetic testing fields, researches are now able to approximate the number of likes a sonogram will get when it is eventually posted to Instagram. The new machine can reportedly predict the comparable popularity of a patient’s embryo to pictures of artisanal bagels, animals doing

With String of Upset Victories, Boko Haram Slowly Climbing AP Top 25 Terrorist Group Rankings

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With the tournament quickly approaching, Nigerian terrorist organization Boko Haram has strung together several impressive victories, causing the group to vault up to third place in the AP Top 25 Rankings. While ISIS and Al-Qaeda remain in the spotlight as top five teams, Boko Haram is doing all it can to position itself well for

Winter X Games Happened

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ASPEN, MOST LIKELY—Sports fans everywhere were caught somewhat off-guard this Wednesday to learn that another installment of the Winter X Games had, in fact, occurred from January 22nd to 25th. While few reported being genuinely upset at having missed the annual extreme sports event, most reportedly shrugged, muttered “mhm,” and moved on with whatever they

Report: Girl Who Hasn’t Responded to Your Text Just Really Busy

Sources confirmed last week that although that girl you really liked has not yet responded to your text asking her out, it’s only because she is very busy, and will reportedly get back to you at her earliest convenience. While the time stamp under the message in question currently reads, “Read 2:03 PM” and a

Area Woman Posts Most Ambiguous Facebook Status Yet

Noting the fact that it lacked even a hint of specificity or clues as to her current state of mind, area woman Jen Kean, 24, posted to her Facebook profile what is being hailed as her most ambiguous status yet. “Just getting back. Things are looking up, but it’s time to do what needs to

Democrats Still Trail GOP In Donations Made Via Travelers Checks Tucked Into Birthday Cards

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In response to Democrats’ recent success in campaign finance through social media , Republicans remained adamant that they still lead Democrats in traveler’s check donations delicately placed inside birthday cards. “We hope to find new ways to gather support from donors, whilst never forgetting our donors who, through checks, crisp $20 bills, and kind, hand-written

Man Standing On Swivel Chair Just Tempting Fate at This Point

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In an effort to reach that one book “wedged in there real tight,” sources report area man Wendell Boones resorted to precariously balancing on top of a swivel chair, practically asking for a tragic accident. “Oh, sure, I’ve done this dozens of times,” stated Boones, flexing up onto his tip toes. Continued Boones, blissfully unaware

Child Convinced He Can Do Anything He Sets His Mind To

Citing what is believed to be caused by an average child upbringing, nine-year-old Will Tuchman confirmed that he actually thinks “[his] only limit is [his] imagination.” “I thought he was just going through a phase,” said his distressed mother, Mary. “But when Will came home from school last Tuesday going on about his plans to

New Self-Checkout Machines to Feature Realistically Annoying Small Talk

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In an effort to preserve the tedious and frustrating nature of a traditional checkout line, retailers across the nation have adopted new self- checkout machines equipped with multiple banal and often unnecessary small talk sequences such as, “Did you find everything alright?” “Call me old-fashioned, when I go into a supermarket, I expect a certain

‘No Phones In Class’ Says Big Huge Dummy

Citing the scarcity of class time and the potential distraction of mobile devices, sources confirmed last Wednesday that an AMCULT 350 class was requested to keep phones silenced and tucked away during instruction time—a request that was largely ignored because it was made by a big, dumb, stupid doofus. “He told us he wanted the