‘Ice Piston Challenge’ Takes Turn for Worse at Hydrodynamics Lab

Ice Piston

What began as one laboratory assistant’s quirky take on the recent viral activism phenomenon ended in tragedy this Tuesday when Jonathan Walker, ’17, was blasted by the facility’s supercooled fluid cannons at an instantaneous pressure over 80 PSI. Te stunt, which was intended to raise awareness for the neurodegenerative disease ALS, resulted in Walker’s immediate

Town Barely Survives Months-long Onslaught of Festivals

CONFETTI-STREWN WASTELAND – According to recent on-the-ground reports from Portage, Wisconsin, the town’s summer festival season has ended and its residents have miraculously survived to tell the tale. This year, Portage endured an unprecedented nine festivals in addition to other public events, which proved tough for even the most hardened residents. Said resident Paul Winston,

Man With Dead Pet Just Raking In The Facebook Likes

Screen Shot 2014-09-08 at 11.56.47 PM

Following the death of his cat, Jerry, area man and attention whore Steven Rodriguez, has reportedly received over 120 “likes” on a Facebook post regarding the departed feline. “I’ll miss you, little guy,” reads the post, accompanied by a picture of the now-deceased Jerry playing with yarn. The transparent attempt at gaining Facebook likes went

Local Baby Still Unsure if Father Has His Nose

Area two-month-old Aiden Parish remains uncertain as to the whereabouts of his nose after an extensive examination following playtime with his father, Jason Parish, last Friday. Te newborn began to suspect his father might have absconded with an integral part of his face after a lengthy game of “Got Your Nose”. Unconfirmed reports indicate that

Family Held Hostage as Dad Forces Entire Household to Watch All 28 Hours of DVD Special Features

A screening of The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey turned hostile Saturday afternoon when, upon the conclusion of the film, local father Jeff Kelley suggested that his family “check out a few of the deleted scenes.” “As soon as Jef said he wanted to watch the special features, I knew our regular movie night had gotten

Unarmed White Teen Brutally Slapped on Wrist

GROSSE POINTE—An entire community was outraged on Sunday when unarmed white teenager Samson Walworth was caught smoking marijuana in his local high school parking lot and immediately given a slap on the wrist. “It was horrible. I looked into the officer’s eyes, and I could have sworn he was going to arrest me,” said Walworth following

Here Is How You Make My Grandma’s Famous Meatballs

By: Ryan, Who Doesn’t Understand This Is a Satirical Newspaper The first step to making my Grandma Florence’s famous meatballs is to find a nicely marbled ground chuck. Make sure it’s ground chuck, and not ground beef. There’s a difference and Grandma Florence will be rolling over in her grave if you choose the wrong one!

Nine Lessons You’ll Learn the Hard Way in Bio 171

By The Syllabus 1. Office hours will be held Wednesday and Friday, 3-5pm. If none of those times work for you, email me and we can set up an appointment. 2. iClicker quizzes begin next week. Together, these are worth 10% of your final grade so keep that in mind. 3. Due to the large enrollment in the course, we cannot

Drunk Fan Taken Out of Ball Game, Taken Out of Crowd

Screen Shot 2014-09-10 at 6.19.07 PM

WRIGLEY FIELD—Sources report that Mudville, Illinois native Jim Casey was escorted out of the Cubs game last Thursday afternoon, due to generally drunken belligerence. Stadium officials said that Casey was buying some peanuts and Crackerjack, and was also involved in an altercation with a Tigers fan. Casey was harassing the visiting fan, telling him to

Fantasy Football Pro Unable to Draft Girlfriend

THE MANCAVE—Despite months of painstaking preparation, area fantasy football expert Mike Davidson was unable to pick up a girlfriend in any round of his league’s fantasy draft last week. “I feel like I made some really solid picks this year. I’m hoping to have a really good season,” said Davidson, whose roster now includes superstar