George Lopez Retires ‘Latino’ Gimmick, Returns With New 3 Minute Special

Famous stand-up comedian George Lopez announced last Tuesday that he is toning down his ‘Hispanic’ image for his anticipated new special airing on HBO. After 25 years of picking apart his Mexican family and culture, Lopez returns this Saturday with all new topics for a hilarious, eye-opening 3 minutes and 20 seconds. “There is so much more to me than my ethnicity. I’m proud of

Atheist Uses Logic, Reason to Congratulate Self, Alienate Others

University of Cambridge student and atheist Justin Tannenbaum has been celebrated for telling absolutely everyone he encounters—regardless of if they want to hear it—that anyone who is not an atheist is a complete fucking idiot. For three years, Tannenbaum has worked tirelessly to structure his coursework, extracurriculars, and free time around an issue he’s extremely passionate about: the fact that God does

Pope Francis Attempts to Inspire Inner-city Youth with Power of Math

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In continuation of his unorthodox charitable acts, Pope Francis has accepted a job in Compton, Los Angeles teaching a group of tough-as-nails kids from the street remedial algebra. While Francis has waged considerable efforts against intolerance, economic injustice, and corruption within his own church, Vatican analysts have suggested that shaping this group of undisciplined students into responsible adults may be Francis’ toughest job

Getting Attacked by Hyenas While Sleeping Least of Somali Man’s Problems

Despite the constant threat of being viciously mauled by wild hyenas while he sleeps, Somali man Dalmar Samatar admitted that when considering the combination of extreme poverty, hunger, disease, oppression, lawlessness, and militant attacks, he has little time to concern himself with the very real threat of wild beasts tearing and gnawing at his vulnerable flesh. “Sure, several people in my village

Sophomore Stops Mid-Workout to Contemplate Own Mortality

Pretending that his shoulders were simply sore from multiple repetitions on the lat-pulldown machine, UM sophomore Kyree Holmes took a brief respite from his shoulders and pecs day workout once he realized he would die one day. “I don’t know, dude, I just suddenly thought like, ‘Why am I here? I have so few precious

Facebook Friends Thrilled to Be Invited to Pizza House Fundraiser

Sources report that Facebook friends of LSA sophomore Jamie Redmond were delighted upon receiving an invitation to a Pizza House fundraiser for her southeast Asian fusion dance team, Michigan Dazzle. LSA junior Kerry Vogel was one of the first to accept Redmond’s invitation. “I haven’t really talked to Jamie since we had class together last

Wendy’s Must be Using New Kind of Plastic in Their Straws, Reports Man Who Notices That Sort of Thing

According to Tampa, Florida resident Ron Davis, who is the type of person that tends to notice insignificant things like this, the local Wendy’s restaurant has begun using a new kind of plastic in their straws. The red stripe is definitely narrower than before,” said Davis, a man who devotes brainpower to this type of

Student Mistakenly Throws Himself in Front of TheRide in Order to Have Tuition Paid

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In a failed effort to achieve free tuition amidst mounting student debt, LSA sophomore Jeremy Levine shattered both his legal argument against the University and his pelvis by jumping in front of TheRide. “Ever since I heard the rumor about getting free tuition after getting hit by a University of Michigan bus, I knew that

Ask a Musher Fighting for First in The Iditarod

Dear Musher Fighting for First in The Iditarod, I’ve started to suspect that my best friend since 3rd grade has developed an eating disorder, and this wouldn’t be the first time. Four years ago I confronted her about her bulimia, and although she admitted it, she didn’t talk to me for a month. I’m afraid

Everyone Knows Crimea Just Likes the Attention: By Georgia

Remember when Russia used military force to seize me in 2008? I sure do. You just sat back and let it happen. It’s just a part of growing up, you said. Leave us alone, the international community is busy, go play with Armenia or Turkey. That’s what you told me, and I sucked it up and dealt with it. But