New School of Information Major First U-M Program to Convey Information

UM, WE’RE NOT TOO GOOD WITH THE GEOGRAPHY – Following the exciting news that the University’s School of Information will allow undergraduates to concentrate in Information starting in Fall 2013, sources close to the Board of Regents explained that the change was enacted to combat the sheer amount of ignorance on campus, as part of

Muslim Brotherhood Earns Surprise Victory in CSG Election

muslim brotherhood

THE MICHIGAN UNION – After a long, arduous appeals process, late last night the Central Student Judiciary declared the Muslim Brotherhood the surprise victor in this year’s Central Student Government elections. Although stalwart political parties forUM and youMICH received more votes in the polls, both were eventually disqualified for violations of election-finance and shariah law.

Mysterious Malady Killing Off Bees, Rejoice Nation’s Pussies

OUTSIDE – Recent reports of widespread honeybee colony collapses were met with jubilant celebrations among the nation’s apiphobes, sissies, and all-around wimps, who view the demise of honeybee populations as liberation from the constant threat of being attacked by an animal they could easily kill with a rolled-up newspaper should they ever muster the courage.

Obituary: Congressional Gun Reform Dies After Agonizing Struggle with NRA

nra

WASHINGTON – Congressional Gun Reform, a package of bills that had shown such promise during its tragically short life, died on the floor of the Senate Monday night. It was four months old. Born in the dark hours following the Sandy Hook massacre in December, Gun Reform had a difficult childhood, and was frequently bullied

Reinventing Yourself Point-Counterpoint

POINT: Reinventing Yourself in the Movie Industry Isn’t That Hard Who would have guessed that the star of Gigli would win an Oscar after that debacle, am I right? But really though, I just hope my story or redemption is enough to propel struggling actors and actresses – I’m looking at you, Adam Sandler –

WANTED: Quiet, Considerate Resident to Sublet My Vagina, by Kelly

My previous tenant is moving to Arizona so I’m looking to rent out my vagina from August to August (2013-2014), but specific dates are negotiable. It is barely used, spacious, comfortable, and has a great view. In the summer it can get a bit muggy, but this is easily fixable for someone who knows how

Just Wanted to Remind You That Our HoneyBaked Goodness Survived the Recession

Whew! That was some roller-coaster ride, huh? The economy has been so unstable these past few years; it was almost tough for a pork-based specialty store to survive. But our loyal clientele and sweet, succulent hams, aided by our country’s fascination with ham-based holidays, really helped us pull through. I hope everybody else did okay.

Can We Please Focus on Something Other Than My Smoking Hot Bombshell of a Niece, Kate Upton?

I love serving our great nation as much as the next guy. But, as a lifelong civil servant with a decorated history, I am really growing tired of the fact that so much more attention is paid to my smoking, drop-dead-gorgeous niece, Kate, than to the important issues affecting our nation. I know, she’s the

Through Learning Not to Split His or Her Infinitives Haphazardly, a Student Will Begin to Produce Eventually Much Clearer Prose, as Compared to That of a Student Who Has Not Learned Not to Split His or Her Infinitives Haphazardly

Over the course of the past 20 years, this author has become increasingly concerned by the fact that the common student has failed to master sufficiently one of the most basic English grammatical rules: not to split infinitives in his or her sentences. This development has deeply troubled this observer, for this author does not

North Quad Flooding Fails to Destroy Dennison Building: Campus Laments Enduring Eyesore

dennison

AN UNFORTUNATELY-STILL-EXTANT BUILDING – Much to the chagrin of students, faculty, and sighted people everywhere, last month’s flooding of the North Quad residence hall has failed to completely and utterly destroy the Dennison Building, the universally-loathed architectural disaster that continues to mock passersby with its enduring presence. “At first, when I heard that North Quad