Super Excited Mitch McGary Tweets Chance Encounter with Markley Hall Council President

Michigan Sophomore Mitch McGary tweeted his delight after a chance encounter with Markley Hall Council President Andrew Blumenthal. McGary, who describes himself as “a Markley Hall Council super fan,” recently tweeted, “OMG Mark Hall Prez Andrew Blumenthal took seat next to me in Chipotle #freakingout’” The preseason All-American basketball player admitted the experience had left

Gatorade Cured My Neck Cancer, By Peyton Manning

Hey y’all, it’s me, Peyton, the quarterback of the Denver Broncos, who has thrown for something like a league leading 16 touchdowns and zero interceptions. Now that’s a fact that seems remarkable considering I am a 37-year-old man. It becomes all the more remarkable when you remember that I just had two vertebrae in my

Sochi Olympic Committee Bans 60% of Winter Sports Under Russian Anti-Gay Laws: Figure Skating, Curling First To Go

Citing new Russian laws that ban the presentation of “homosexual propaganda” to minors, the Sochi 2014 Olympic Committee announced that it would be canceling 60% of its previously scheduled events due to their “undeniable gayness.” Said chairman Boris Zorolev in a written statement, “it is not the responsibility ofour committee to pass judgment on the

Taylor Lewan to Change Number to 69 Because, Well, You Know

The Big House Locker Room– Following Michigan quarterback Devin Gardner’s permanent number change to 98, in honor of Heisman Trophy Winner Tom Harmon, Senior captain Taylor Lewan announced he will also be changing his jersey. “The change to 69 came after a lot of thought. Seeing Devin’s inspiring performances wearing 98 made me think about

Student Dares to Resist Conforming to Female Beauty Norms

Classmates of LSA junior Amanda Osgood have become increasingly disturbed by her casual clothing, messy ponytail, and apparent total disregards for the rules of society. Osgood reportedly hit a new low on Tuesday when she was bold enough to wear sweatpants to her Econ 101 lecture. “It’s just sad,” commented classmate Rebecca Barnes. “Doesn’t she

Local Church Marketing Campaign to Involve Even More Fucking Sidewalk Chalk

Screen shot 2013-10-30 at 1.59.25 PM

Citing a desire to connect with a hip, young demographic, Ann Arbor’s Holy Life Church launched a new marketing campaign that will include “a continued and increased use of sidewalk chalk,” wrote the church in a press release. Chalk will be distributed to student volunteers, who will write intentionally vague and confusing slogans on pavement

Quick-Thinking Introvert Narrowly Avoids Human Interaction by Staring at Phone

Ken Withers, 28, after the young recluse reportedly drew his phone with cat-like reflexes in order to avert a friendly conversation with someone entering the same elevator as him. After nodding semi-politely at the man’s cheery “good morning,” witnesses claim Withers maintained his ground for about half a minute before exiting on floor five unscathed.

U.S. News & World Report Ranks University of Michigan as Nation’s #1 Backup College

Screen shot 2013-10-30 at 1.46.33 PM

In its latest round of rankings, US News & World Report once again conferred upon the University of Michigan the semi-(honor?) of being the nation’s number one backup school. As one of the country’s oldest and best public universities, Michigan is consistently the institution to which students apply on the off chance they don’t get

Holocaust Survivor, 93, Apparently Not Avalanche Survivor

Samuel Shalev, who escaped Nazi persecution during the Second World War, ran out of luck Friday morning when he was crushed by a rapid, spontaneous collapse of a massive sheet of snow. In 1943, Shalev, along with his parents, were removed from their home in Warsaw, Poland, and taken to the Auschwitz extermination camp. Although

Addition of Word ‘the’ to OSU’s Name Adds 10 Percent More Prestige

Educational experts have confirmed that renaming Ohio State University as The Ohio State University in an attempt to increase the status of the school has so far been successful, garnering an estimated 10 percent more respect within the academic community. “We’re thrilled with the results so far,” said acting president Joseph A. Alutto. “We were