Cocaine Enters Rehab for Lindsay Lohan Addiction

VENICE BEACH— In a tearful interview with Inside Edition, the substance benzoylmethylecgonine – more commonly known as cocaine – admitted that it is battling an addiction to the actress Lindsay Lohan. Cocaine says that it has been abusing the starlet since they met in Jamie Lee Curtis’ trailer on the set of Freaky Friday in

Loser Dies at Age 90

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George McGovern, who served as a United States senator for 18 years but will always be remembered for losing big time to Richard Nixon in the 1972 presidential election, also lost a battle to continue living on Wednesday. He was 90. Despite accomplishing some other stuff, which future historians will almost certainly ignore, McGovern’s defining

Mars Rover Constantly Distracted by Shiny Objects

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MARS CITY, MARS — To the tune of $2.5 billion being senselessly thrown into an interplanetary trash can, NASA scientists have been furiously banging their heads against a wall all week as the Curiosity rover continues to be distracted by shiny metal objects never before encountered by mankind. “We were looking for rocks and dust

FOX Adds ‘America’s Next Treasury Secretary’ to Fall Lineup

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WASHINGTON, D.C. — Following rumors that Timothy Geithner will resign as Secretary of the Treasury following the November election, FOX has announced a new show that will give thousands of Americans a chance at their dream: to be the architect of the world’s largest economy. The search will be conducted “the American way” – through

‘Jurassic Park’ Point-Counterpoint

POINT: Jurassic Park is Scientifically Impossible By Mark Hamblin, Paleontologist It pains me to say that last month, after years of work, my team of paleogeneticists debunked the entire premise of Michael Crichton’s Jurassic Park. You see, the idea of extracting 80-million-year-old DNA from mosquitoes trapped in amber is absolutely impossible, because as my assistants

Spartan Loss: A Product of Poor Offense, or a History of Pederasty?

Listen, Philhellenes, I know we’re all very excited about the outcome of our modern gladiatorial match against the Spartans of Michigan State. But let me remind you of that old proverb that those who do not learn history are doomed to repeat it. When looking back on the 900th win of this educational forum, do

Ask the Awkward Kid in Your Hall Desperately Looking for a Place to Live Next Year

Dear Awkward Kid in My Hall Desperately Looking for a Place to Live Next Year, Ever since my boyfriend’s cousin died two months ago, he hasn’t been the same. He used to be so sweet and caring, but now, he’s moody and withdrawn. He skips class, sleeps all day, and has started to mock me

Federal Reserve Terrorist Point-Counterpoint

Point: Terrorist at Federal Reserve Foiled by FBI Sting By The Associated Press NEW YORK – Federal prosecutors have charged a Bangladeshi national with conspiring to destroy the Federal Reserve Bank of New York, alleging that he attempted to remotely detonate what he believed was a thousand-pound bomb in a vehicle parked outside the building.

How About That First Debate Though, Am I Right?

Well, that was some election. Really thought I had it there until the results started coming in. You can’t win them all I guess. But boy, do you guys remember that first debate? That sure was something, huh? Gosh, I’ll never forget what that felt like, what with all the newspapers and TV anchors talking

From the Time Warp: Eradication of All Known Diseases Leads to Sharp Decrease in 5Ks

THE FEDERATION OF MIDWESTERN STATES — Six months after the discovery of a cure for muscular dystrophy, researchers in Indiana, Michigan, Illinois, and the People’s Republic of Illinois have noticed a widespread reduction in the number of five-kilometer races, dance marathons, and college bake sales taking place. As a result, countless human citizens have taken

Orlando Magic to Become Lakers’ Developmental Team

BASKETBALL IRRELEVANCE — Less than three months after trading away Dwight Howard, the Orlando Magic are officially withdrawing from the NBA and joining the league’s developmental league, announced Magic General Manager Rob Hennigan. “With this change,” said Hennigan, “we feel the team can finally move away from burden of ‘competition’ and ‘playing to win,’ and

ESPN to Target Female Viewers with ‘ESPN Lifetime’ Channel

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CHANNEL 865 — John Skipper, the president of ESPN, submitted a press release announcing the launch of the network’s newest channel, ESPN Lifetime, which will specifically target female viewers by airing women’s sports such as women’s basketball, Olympic volleyball, and synchronized passive aggression. “ESPN is proud to be the first network to offer justify the

Alzheimer’s Patients Outraged by Cuts in Research Funding, Cuts in Research Funding

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NOT TOO SURE WHERE I AM – Following the disappointing failure of several high-profile Alzheimer’s disease treatments in clinical trials, the world’s leading pharmaceutical companies announced plans to scale back their neuroscience research programs, drawing fire from dementia advocates and patients alike. John Waterson, an Alzheimer’s activist who suffers from the disease himself, delivered the

Ann Arbor Community Traumatized After Student Ruthlessly Presses ‘Reply All’

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ANN ARBOR – In what some are calling the worst school tragedy since 2007, LSA sophomore Evan Corman viciously spammed over 10,000 innocent students on Monday by pressing “Reply All” in response to a student organization’s mass email. The assault began at around 11:30 a.m., when Outdoor Adventures sent news of its upcoming ice cream

Thousands of People Presumably Aware of Syria Crisis Mourn Death of Fucking Baby Panda

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – Nearly two weeks after the death of the National Zoo’s baby panda, people who most likely know that their fellow human beings are being shot and tortured right now by the Syrian military continued their panda-related outpourings of grief. “What a cruel, cruel world,” said baby-panda fan Jackie Bergner, whose grandparents died

World Trade Center Construction to be Completed Before Next Terrorist Attack

GROUND ZERO – Despite being years behind schedule and billions of dollars over budget, the One World Trade Center skyscraper is set to be completed before its absolute and total destruction in 2015 or 2016, said New York City officials. “We know that you, residents of Manhattan, have long had many questions about the World

Get the Fuck Out of My Seat, Dickhole!

Hey, brah. Yeah, you! You’re in my seat, pussy. You see my ticket? You see my smokin’ hot girlfriend’s ticket? What the fuck do they say, hombre? They say you’re in my goddamn seat! Yeah, I know it’s the beginning of the second quarter? So what?! You think I’d show up on time like some

Don’t Be Alarmed, My Erection is Simply the Product of 6 Million Years of Evolution

Ah yes, come in. Samantha, right? Thank you for visiting my office hours. I truly enjoy when students take the time to come ask questions. Please, take a se – oh, that? The massive bulge in my pants? Don’t be alarmed, it’s nothing more than a beautiful adaptive system created by eons of natural selection.

Ask a Feminist Ironically Watching a Real Housewives Marathon

Dear Feminist Ironically Watching a Real Housewives Marathon, My housemate, Lindsay, bought a dog without consulting anyone else in the house. It chews on everything, barks at squirrels all day, and begs to be let out every ten minutes. Lindsay just got a new job and she’s rarely ever home, so the rest of us

Djimon Hounsou Starting to Think He’s Been Typecast

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NOT AFRICA, SURPRISINGLY – Actor Djimon Hounsou, best known for his roles in movies that chronicle slavery, violence, poverty, and Africa in general, has recently expressed concern over the types of characters he is asked to portray. “I think I’ve really demonstrated the depth of my acting ability during my career,” he said, while perusing

14,000 Unmutilated Bodies Discovered in Mexican City

NOGALES, VERACRUZ – Los federales and la policia were stunned to discover nearly 14,000 unmutilated bodies early Tuesday morning in this violence-ravaged Mexican town. Before daybreak, word spread that for the first time in several weeks officials failed to find any of the town’s 13,724 residents shot, stabbed, beheaded, or buried in a mass grave

New Somali President Unsure What the Word ‘President’ Means

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MOGADISHU – Hassan Sheikh Mohamoud, Somalia’s recently-elected president and the first legitimate head of state in his impoverished nation in over twenty years, is still a bit unclear as to what the word “president” means, say sources within the Villa Somalia. “Given that the last man we called ‘president’ just locked himself in his royal

State of Michigan to Discontinue Failed ‘City of Detroit’ Program

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LANSING – Citing rampant crime, poverty, and Kwame Kilpatrick, state officials voted on Monday to discontinue the crippled and neglected program known to locals as the “City of Detroit.” Founded in 1701 by French nobleman Antoine de la Mothe, the City of Detroit initiative was, according to urban planning expert Walter Lee, “doomed from the

Area Girl Frustrated by Boyfriend’s Willingness to Commit

THROES OF LOVE – Junior Margaret Greene admitted to being a little taken aback by how ready her new boyfriend, Dale Marshall, was to engage in a full-scale relationship. “Like, I knew he was a nice guy and everything,” said Greene, still a little dazed, “but after we hooked up last weekend, he like, texted

Sophomore Decides Early October Definitely Too Late to Get Involved on Campus

BROKEN-IN FUTON – Although University classes have only been in session for just over a month, LSA sophomore John Katzman has declared that this past Friday was the absolute deadline to get involved in campus activities. Totally convinced that his classes demand too much time to allow for extracurriculars, John Katzman will not be joining

Freshman’s Posters Deemed ‘Satisfactorily Hip’ by Roommate Council of Elders

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MURFIN AVE. – Freshman Caleb Loftus breathed a collective sigh of relief when the portfolio of posters he had assembled for review was deemed to be “a satisfactorily-hip combination of the obscure and the mainstream” by the Roommate Council of Elders. The approval follows a week of deliberation by the Council, during which time Loftus

Freshman Roommates Starting to Really Get to Know, Secretly Hate Each Other

MARKLEY – Although it has only been a little over a month, LSA freshmen and newly-acquainted roommates Lauren McGuinness and Ashley Brookes have already begun the time-honored college dorm tradition of intimately knowing and secretly despising one another. From intimate talks to general cohabitation, the new roommates have already found numerous personality traits in the

Student Buys Sexy Halloween Costume to Compensate for Unattractive Face, Body

AISLE 7 OF A SEASONAL HALLOWEEN COSTUME STORE – Although LSA sophomore Amanda Hamilton has been described by friends and acquaintances as having “slightly crossed eyes,” “an unsettling gum-to-tooth ratio,” and a physique “disturbingly reminiscent of a 200-pound toddler,” she has high hopes for what the perfect costume choice can do for her love life

Poli Sci Student Attempts to Pick Up Asian Minor, Gets Degree Instead

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CAMPUS – Political Science major Jason Metti’s recent efforts to pick up an Asian minor culminated on Wednesday in his unfortunate and unintended acquisition of a minor in Asian Studies. Metti’s pursuit of an underaged Asian female began last week, when he noticed a sign posted outside the Newnan Advising Center that advertised in apparently

That One Overly Competitive Team Still Ruining Intramural Soccer League for Everyone Else

MITCHELL FIELD – Multiple intramural athletes who compete in the Co-Rec B League have reported that their games have been spoiled by a team within their division known as ARSENAL DOMINATION XXX. Opponents have complained that games against the team are incredibly demoralizing and not at all enjoyable because all 13 students on Arsenal’s roster