B-List Celebrities No Longer Welcome at Clippers Games

PLACE WHERE THE LAKERS PLAY – First, the franchise was marred by the departures of Moses Malone and Bill Walton. Then Danny Manning went down. Now, the B-list celebrities who have become a fixture at the Staples Center when the Lakers are on the road have abandoned the bemoaned Clippers franchise. With the preseason acquisition

Linebacker Doesn’t Like When Quarterback Points at Him Pre-Snap

New York Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez comparing London Fletcher to a garden gnome

THE GRIDIRON – As if football weren’t stressful enough on its own, the game adds another dimension of anxiety for self-conscious Redskins linebacker London Fletcher. Since his days in Pop Warner, Fletcher has struggled with being teased, and whenever opposing quarterbacks point at him before the snap, it hurts his feelings really badly. In last

Adidas Introduces New ‘Shirts and Skins’ Throwback Uniforms

PORTLAND, Ore. – Adidas continues to redefine the current wave of collegiate athletic fashion after introducing its latest throwback uniform, the “Shirts and Skins.” The design, which features a sleeveless, padless, and torsoless top, offers D-I athletes the opportunity to experience the traditional look and feel of backyard two-hand-touch and IM athletics. “Those of us

Keep Your Dirty Money-Grubbing Government Hands Off My Federal Highway System

Chet Harris

By: Chet Harris Government’s out of control, and somebody’s got to take a stand. Who’s it gonna be? Me, that’s who. Big Government has its hands on everything these days: the banks, health care, the auto industry. I’ll tell you what they can’t have – my god-given Federal Highway System. Government is just too damn

If Only She Could See Me for the Level 42 Khajiit Assassin I Really Am

By: Seth Becker (a.k.a. Dovahkiin the Deathbringer) Okay, maybe I haven’t showered in a few days and my neckbeard is a bit unkempt, but I wish you wouldn’t look at me like that, Jenny Hochstetler – the fairest maiden in all of Math 115. You see, for more than a fortnight I have traversed the

If Richard Isn’t Going to Show Any Skin, I’ll Find a New Ophelia

By: William Shakespeare Oh Richard? A word good sir. I fear you have done yourself some wrong. ‘Twas fresh in murmur that thee will not stand and unfold thyself during my second act. Is that anything now? For what reason, I beseech you? Dost thou fear people will not see thee as an actor of

I’m Just Looking for a Juicy Piece of Ass Tonight

By: A Mosquito Excuse me, you wouldn’t happen to have seen any fine, scantily-clad women walking by recently, have you? Forgive me for being so forward, but all I want to do tonight is stick it in a nice ass. To be honest, I haven’t gotten any ass in the longest time. Certainly, there is

I Don’t Want to See Another Vagina After 5 PM

By: A Male Gynecologist Hailey, I completely understand that you feel that a healthy relationship between a man and his wife should include a steady diet of sexual intercourse, but if you don’t mind, darling, I’d rather leave my work at the office. I know you think waiting blindfolded and tied to the bed for