Campus Boyfriends Grudgingly Admit Pitch Perfect “Not That Bad”

NORTH QUAD—LSA Sophomore Alex Locher’s worst fears came to a sudden realization after a screening of the film Pitch Perfect on his girlfriend’s laptop Wednesday night. “Huh. That actually wasn’t that bad,” Locher said upon completion of the film, continuing to add that the film he had expected to hate was, in fact, “pretty good

Local Freshman Will Rail Exactly 152 Girls by Senior Year, Probably

ANN ARBOR—Incoming freshman Ryan “Spy Guy” Parks will reportedly have sexual intercourse with about 152 girls by the end of his senior year, according to some preliminary estimates done by himself. Reports confirm that the self-described party-animal plans on “living it up college style” with no regrets, as it will supposedly be the best time

University Hires German Company to Über-Optimize Campus Infrastructure

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In an effort to eliminate congestion and reduce student at-fault collisions, university officials have announced plans to improve campus infrastructure. Department of Public Safety officer Tod Johnson has been put in charge of the project. “After an intense search involving looking at the second and sometimes even third pages of Google search results, we’ve hired

Poor Grade in Irrelevant Class Dooms Student to Life of Mediocrity

ANN ARBOR—Freshman Hayden McCafferty’s once-promising medical career was ruined Tuesday after receiving a C+ on the first paper of his mandatory Great Books 101 course. Experts agree that this grade will inevitably propel McCafferty into a downward spiral of utter depravity and failure. Adlai Richards, admissions chair for the University of Michigan Medical School, confirmed

Fight With Roommate Puts Friendship, Access to Netflix in Jeopardy

Sources confirm that longtime friends Max Jensen and Justin Tyler recently got into an argument that may end their friendship, as well as Jensen’s streaming access to thousands of hit movies and critically-acclaimed television shows. Tensions have risen ever since last week when Tyler, who has access to Jensen’s Netflix account, allegedly got drunk and

Mary Sue Can’t Believe College Almost Over

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CAMPUS—As she begins her last fall semester, Mary Sue Coleman tweeted that she is “excited but kinda freaking out” about ending this chapter in her life. The eleventh-year senior first became a Wolverine in the fall of 2002 and has been heavily involved in campus activities ever since. “Everyone always says that college flies by,

Family of Slain Baby Really Playing it Up on Five O’Clock News

WHINERS-VILLE, POPULATION 2—As the story of a one-year-old Brooklyn boy shot in his stroller makes the rounds on the five o’clock news, inside sources agree that the surviving parents and family members—with their fits of convulsive sobbing and abject despair—are really milking their airtime for all it’s worth. “I’ve never had an infant shot in

Bikini Carwash, Pulling Up Covers and Pretending Not to Be Home Proposed at Detroit Bankruptcy Meeting

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DETROIT—According to federally appointed Emergency Manager Kevyn Orr, Detroit’s July 12th declaration of bankruptcy was hardly a solution to the city’s financial woes. Instead, it should be seen as the “beginning of a long and painful path to solvency:” a path that will certainly require courage and creativity from indebted Detroiters. “Desperate times call for

In Reversal of Same-Sex Marriage Position, Republican Senator References Son’s Gay Father

NEW YORK CITY—In an exclusive interview with ABC’s Katie Couric, Senator Joe Bennet (R-Mont.) revealed that his recent reversal on the issue of gay marriage was brought on by the realization that a close family member—his son’s father—was, in fact, gay. Bennet’s son’s father, who wishes to remain anonymous due to what the admission may

Jennifer’s RA Reassures Her That He’s Available Anytime She Needs Him: ‘Seriously, Anytime,’ He Says

Engineering freshman Jennifer Wilson’s RA reportedly assured her, for the third time this week and seventy-sixth time this year, that, if there was anything he could do for her, anything at all, she should feel free to come to his room and ask for it, day or night. Sources claim that late Tuesday night, Jennifer’s