Citing Low Turnout, Next UMix to Feature Tastier Snacks, Alcohol


MICHIGAN UNION – Due to dismal turnout in recent weeks, the Office of Student Affairs announced on Wednesday that the next UMix Late Night would feature much better snacks like frozen yogurt, cupcakes, orange chicken, Jimmy Johns – and also a fully-stocked open bar. “At the Office of Student Affairs, we really try to be

Florida Determined to Fuck Up This Year’s Election

TALLAHASSEE – Florida state election officials are feverishly preparing to royally fuck up November’s presidential contest, say Florida state election officials. “Every four years, our great nation comes together to elect its commander-in-chief,” said Florida Secretary of State Ken Detzner in prepared remarks. “And every four years, we Floridians make sure that our idiotic voices

Obama Looking Forward to Nov. 6th Election, Nov. 7th Blunt

obama blunt v2

WHITE HOUSE – With the campaign season coming to a fierce and competitive close, incumbent President Barack Obama is eagerly anticipating Election Day on November 6th but is even more excited for his November 7th blunt. “Casting a ballot on Tuesday, November 6th will continue the celebrated American tradition that exemplifies our country’s glorious foundations

Romney Whips Out Penis in 11th-Hour Hail Mary Bid for Female Vote

romney penis v2

DENVER – With the spotlight shining on both candidates Wednesday night during the first of the Presidential debates, Mitt Romney took the opportunity to make a bold, last- minute play for the female vote by presenting his penis to the crowd. The unveiling came just over 30 minutes into the debate, when moderator Jim Lehrer

In New ‘Green’ Initiative, Filmmakers to Construct Movies From 85% Recycled Material


BEVERLY HILLS – Ever on the cutting-edge of environmentally-conscious policy, major producers and directors in America’s film industry have signaled their commitment to our planet by announcing an initiative to reutilize more characters, plotlines, and settings in their cinematic works. Warner Brothers Studios CEO Lance Waldorf explained that this move would streamline this sector of

NASA’s Next Mission to be Funded Entirely Through Kickstarter


WASHINGTON, D.C. – In light of the uncertainty looming over NASA’s budgetary future, the agency announced that its next mission – an attempt at establishing a permanent lunar base – will be funded solely through the popular “crowdsourcing” site known as Kickstarter. Widely used by aspiring filmmakers, quirky entrepreneurs, and musicians who lack the talent

Masturbation Schedule Fits Perfectly with Roommate’s Class Schedule

SOUTH QUAD – Sources confirmed Tuesday that LSA freshman Donnie O’Hare’s masturbation schedule has been crafted to line up seamlessly with roommate Nathan Sholtzsky’s fall semester slate of classes. “It really wasn’t that hard,” O’Hare said. “I just flipped open his laptop, checked his enrollment tabs on Wolverine Access, and penciled in my masturbation sessions

Student Wondering How Class 2 Felony Might Play in Grad School Application Essay

INCREASINGLY SMALL-SEEMING OFF-CAMPUS APARTMENT – After struggling for several weeks to find a story from his past worth telling in his essay for law school admission, LSA senior Rob Lusman is beginning to wonder whether it might be easier to just commit a felony and write about that in order to give his essay the

Triangle Extends Bids to 17 Girls in Order to Socially Interact with Females

CAMPUS – After their last party set a campus record with its 50:0 guy-to-girl ratio, Triangle Fraternity has been involved in intense negotiations with the Pan-Hellenic Council and Interfraternity Council regarding the possibility of accepting female members. The councils are expected to render a joint decision by late October. “Sure, we’ll get crap for it,

Ross School Adds Violating Business Ethics Course to Core Curriculum

TAPPAN AVE. – As part of its effort to enhance its students’ chances for success in an increasingly competitive job market, the Ross School of Business announced on Tuesday that beginning next semester the school will add BA 239: Violating Business Ethicsto its list of required courses for BBA candidates. Student response was mostly favorable,

Area Woman Uses Yoga Pants Only for Yoga

ANN ARBOR – In a move that has disappointed warm-blooded ass-men nationwide, recent Hard Tail customer Hannah Gilbert reportedly plans to don her new yoga pants only when actually practicing yoga. “They’re super comfortable,” said Gilbert, an LSA sophomore. “But since I only have this pair, I’d rather only wear them for my Bikram yoga

Area Man’s Multiple Personalities Making It Difficult to Write Coherent Résumé


CAREER CENTER – LSA senior Landon Brady reports that his fractured persona, the result of dissociative identity disorder, is making it very challenging to succinctly explain his interests and experiences in a single-page curriculum vitae. “Well, it usually takes me a day or so to catalogue all the charitable work I’ve done during my college

Girl Forced to Hide Cosmo Before Finding Out If She’s Good-Girl Hot or Bad-Girl Hot

BURSLEY – Before she could finish tallying up her A’s, B’s and C’s, LSA sophomore Lisa Bernstein was forced to hastily stuff her dog-eared issue of Cosmopolitan magazine under her seat in the Bursley dining hall. After answering a series of questions with painfully predictable answer choices, such as “What kind of underwear do you

Is It Weird If I’m Having Sexual Fantasies About My Car’s GPS System?

Honestly, I know it might seem strange that I’ve been fantasizing about the voice on my Toyota Corolla’s in-car navigation system, but there’s just something about that voice of hers that really turns me on. I mean, Claire – that’s her name, you see – she just has this incredibly sexy British accent. It’s like

Why I’m Voting for Mitt Romney

In the final days of August, my future as a hurricane looked bleak. The liberal media did their best to downplay my success – success that I worked hard to achieve. Ever since I was a little gust of wind growing up in Central America, I’ve been told that the United States, this golden land

It’s Not You, It’s Me (and My Homicidal Tendencies)

Look, I feel awful about what’s happening between us. Honestly, you didn’t do anything to deserve this. You were just walking through life minding your own business, then you somehow got all tangled up with me. Well, I guess tied up would be more accurate. Specifically, tied up in the back of my windowless van.

Icebreakers Point-Counterpoint

Point: Studies Show That Icebreakers Foster Energetic and Meaningful Discussion By ANTHROCUL 321.003 GSI The first day of section really sets the tone for the rest of the semester. In order to create a productive learning environment, research shows that it’s important to dispel any anxiety or discomfort and engage students in interacting freely from

Ethiopian Prime Minister Dies Before Being Killed in Bloody Coup

ADDIS ABABA – Meles Zenawi, Prime Minister of Ethiopia since 1995, died peacefully in his sleep Monday shortly before being brutally murdered by the Oromo Peoples’ Liberation Front, said provisional government officials. Following Zenawi’s death by natural causes, the OPLF proudly placed his head on a spike and then seized control of the Ethiopian government,

‘How to Not Kill Your Instructor’ Course Added to Afghan Police Training


KABUL – Following seven Coalition deaths at the hands of Afghan police trainees in August alone, instructors here are struggling with how to keep their own students from ruthlessly gunning them down in so-called “green-on-blue” attacks. “Part of the blame has to be laid on us,” said NATO Commander John Allen. “But we’ve got a

North Korea Successfully Launches Invisible Missile

The Songun I rocket in mid-flight.

FROM THE KOREAN CENTRAL NEWS AGENCY – The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea has successfully tested a Songun I invisible intercontinental ballistic missile, announced Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un in a statement earlier today. The missile, which evaded detection by the American imperialists and the occupying government in Seoul, orbited the Earth three times, reversed direction

Germany Announces ‘Final Solution’ to European Debt Crisis

Final Solution

WANNSEE, BERLIN – German Chancellor Angela Merkel this morning announced a comprehensive plan to end the ongoing European debt crisis, calling the program a “final solution” to a problem that has embroiled Europe for years. “For too long – too long I say! – the hard-working, industrious German master race has been held down by

David Schwimmer Wants to Remind You That He Got to Kiss Jennifer Aniston a Few Times

David Schwimmer

A DARK, LONELY ALLEYWAY, JUST OUTSIDE HOLLYWOOD – Former “actor” David Schwimmer, most “famous” for his role as Ross Geller on the television sitcom Friends, wants everybody to remember that he was allowed to repeatedly make out with Emmy-winning actress Jennifer Aniston during their fictional season-long romance. Schwimmer, who has apparently been out of work

Makers of ‘P90X’ Exercise Program Release ‘Talking2GirlsX’ Supplement


SANTA MONICA, Calif. – Beachbody LLC, producer of the popular workout videos Power 90 and Power 90 Extreme, has announced that it will release a new video series designed to enhance its customers’ social skills. The program, entitled Talking2GirlsX, will cater to the large number of P90X users whose adherence to a rigorous workout program

Aggressive Student With Clipboard Trying to Make You Feel Bad About Something

FESTIFALL – After what seemed to be an innocent, no-strings-attached offer of a warm, delicious chocolate chip cookie, you are now being aggressively lectured about something and how we are all failing to do anything about it. “Something’s going on out there, something terrible,” you are being reminded as you gaze nervously at large, hastily-scribbled

Flash Mob Ruined by Actual Mob

A BULLET-RIDDEN MADISON SQUARE PARK – ImprovNYC’s impromptu performance of “Thriller” was cut tragically short as the performers were caught in a vicious firefight between the Colombos and the Massinos, two of the city’s original “Five Families” of organized crime. “Well, I thought we were really nailing the tough choreography,” said Michael Orton, the leader

Mesopotamian Tech Firm Unveils Stone Tablet

Tablet enthusiast Moses in a preliminary ad for Fig Inc.'s new product.

THE FERTILE CRESCENT – A dark horse appears to have entered the so-called “Tablet Wars” following Babylonia-based Fig Inc.’s announcement of the Stone Tablet at its annual press conference earlier this week. “In simplicity there is elegance,” said project lead Hammurabi during the product’s launch event. “All this emphasis on megapixels, gigahertz, USB, 4G, and

Struggling Groupon Regrets Offering Groupon Groupon

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CHICAGO – Groupon, the daily-deal website that has seen its share price fall by more than 80% since its November 2011 IPO, recently announced that offering a Groupon on Groupon stock was “probably a mistake.” Said CEO Andrew Mason, “Fact is, after offering a Groupon on just about every business in America, we were running

KFC to Release New Ad Campaign: “We’re Okay with the Gays”


LOUISVILLE – The Kentucky Fried Chicken Corporation rocked the gay-fast-food establishment earlier this week after announcing that the company’s new marketing campaign will focus on courting the country’s burgeoning LGBT population. KFC spokesmen explained that the company, which was founded by notorious Mexican-American War criminal Col. Sanders, is making a sharp break with the past,

Marion Barry Makes Triumphant Return to D.C. Crack Scene


DISTRICT OF COLUMBIA – Years after his tenure as one of Washington D.C.’s most prominent crackheads was ended by several unfortunate incidents involving his election as mayor, Marion Barry has returned to the nation’s capital to once again make a go at crack addiction. “I was in a dark place back then,” said Barry. “The

Stoner Savant Able to Draw Lucky Charms Box From Memory

GREENWOOD ST. – 22-year-old LSA senior Harry Wilkins astonished observers yesterday with his uncanny ability to draw from memory a pretty solid replica of the back of a box of Lucky Charms, a feat made all the more impressive by his having only looked at the box once that day, while pouring his morning cereal.