WANTED: Quiet, Considerate Resident to Sublet My Vagina, by Kelly

My previous tenant is moving to Arizona so I’m looking to rent out my vagina from August to August (2013-2014), but specific dates are negotiable. It is barely used, spacious, comfortable, and has a great view. In the summer it can get a bit muggy, but this is easily fixable for someone who knows how

Just Wanted to Remind You That Our HoneyBaked Goodness Survived the Recession

Whew! That was some roller-coaster ride, huh? The economy has been so unstable these past few years; it was almost tough for a pork-based specialty store to survive. But our loyal clientele and sweet, succulent hams, aided by our country’s fascination with ham-based holidays, really helped us pull through. I hope everybody else did okay.

Can We Please Focus on Something Other Than My Smoking Hot Bombshell of a Niece, Kate Upton?

I love serving our great nation as much as the next guy. But, as a lifelong civil servant with a decorated history, I am really growing tired of the fact that so much more attention is paid to my smoking, drop-dead-gorgeous niece, Kate, than to the important issues affecting our nation. I know, she’s the

Through Learning Not to Split His or Her Infinitives Haphazardly, a Student Will Begin to Produce Eventually Much Clearer Prose, as Compared to That of a Student Who Has Not Learned Not to Split His or Her Infinitives Haphazardly

Over the course of the past 20 years, this author has become increasingly concerned by the fact that the common student has failed to master sufficiently one of the most basic English grammatical rules: not to split infinitives in his or her sentences. This development has deeply troubled this observer, for this author does not

North Quad Flooding Fails to Destroy Dennison Building: Campus Laments Enduring Eyesore


AN UNFORTUNATELY-STILL-EXTANT BUILDING – Much to the chagrin of students, faculty, and sighted people everywhere, last month’s flooding of the North Quad residence hall has failed to completely and utterly destroy the Dennison Building, the universally-loathed architectural disaster that continues to mock passersby with its enduring presence. “At first, when I heard that North Quad

Spanish 102 Students Forced to Translate Incredibly Disturbing Sentences: ‘Las Momias Comen Los Ninos,’ Reads Latest Homework

Sources confirm that students in Professor Todd Leonard’s Spanish 102 class are becoming increasingly disturbed by their homework assignments, which require them to translate sentences from Spanish to English and vice versa. While this is normally standard procedure for introductory-level Spanish courses, the coursework for Leonard’s class is reportedly “dark,” “chilling,” and “seriously fucked up.”

Graduating Senior Accepts Lucrative Offer of Unemployment in Detroit Suburb


THE BOARDBEDROOM – After submitting countless job applications and weighing numerous competitive rejection offers, LSA senior Daniel Beamon finally accepted a position with 3900 Trout Creek Lane, an up-and-coming startup nestled in a quiet Rochester Hills subdivision, earlier this week. “I could’ve gone the Fortune 500 route, but I prefer the intimacy of a small,

Fraternity Pledge Spends Last Week of Semester Frantically Creating Sober Memories


DELTA THETA BETA CHAPTER HOUSE – Upon realizing he would soon be responsible for recounting the events of his freshman year to his parents, Delta Theta Beta pledge Anthony Sullivan devised a plan to experience two semesters’ worth of family-appropriate memories in his last week on campus. Sullivan has routinely blacked-out at least three days

Attention-Starved Sophomore Hopes You Think She Had One-Night Stand


Although LSA sophomore Amanda Morris regularly shows up to her morning classes wearing what is described as “a classic walk-of-shame outfit” – oversized men’s shirts, strappy stilettos, smudged makeup from the night before, and disheveled bedhead –  multiple sources have confirmed that there is actually not that much going on in her love life. “I

Student Unsure Why She’s Receiving Career Advice from Someone Who Could Only Find Work as a Career Advisor


STUDENT ACTIVITIES BUILDING – Halfway through a meeting last week with a campus career counselor, LSA senior Candice Williams came to the startling realization that it might not be the best idea to solicit career advice from someone who could only obtain employment as a career counselor. According to Williams, she began questioning her decision