Hipsters Start Ironically Living Normal Lives, Assimilating Into Society

Screen shot 2013-10-29 at 10.27.45 PM

WILLIAMSBURG, NY – Residents of many hipster-heavy neighborhoods have recently noticed a remarkable downturn in the number of artsy, snobbish, fashion-conscious folks, whom social scientists believe to be leaving their indie-saturated enclaves in droves in pursuit of fashionably average lives. “It’s true that I live in a two-bedroom house in the suburbs with my family

Colorado Wildfires Perfect Setting for Michigan Bikram Yoga Club Retreat

Screen shot 2013-10-29 at 10.23.09 PM

While many Colorado citizens fled from the wildfires threatening their homes and safety, Yoga instructor Marcie Rielly’s class “thrived” at the risk of being engulfed in flames after temporarily relocating her Bikram yoga studio into a log cabin in one of the most dangerous burn zones. Bikram yoga traditionally consists of a series of twenty-three

Student Who Studied Abroad Now Claims Ayacucho, Peru as Hometown

After an intensive 4-week study abroad program, sources report LSA sophomore Henry Kincaid has repeatedly declared throughout the semester that Ayacucho, Peru is his hometown despite being born and raised in West Bloomfield. Friends and classmates were at first perplexed at Kincaid’s sudden and intense identification with Peruvian culture. “At the beginning of the year,

President Coleman Spins Cube Backwards, Opens Cosmic Sinkhole

Screen shot 2013-10-29 at 10.12.34 PM

CORNER OF MAYNARD AND THE SIXTH DIMENSION — This morning University President Mary Sue Coleman, on her traditional walk to work, accidentally spun the cube in a counter-clockwise direction, opening a portal to a dimension of unfathomable madness. Despite her empty eye sockets which were seen to be leaking blood, Coleman had little problem making

Area Man Only A Feminist When Drunk

APPLETON, WI – Local graduate student John Michelson, described by his friends as “your average entitled, misogynistic asshole”, admitted Thursday that after a few drinks, he departs from these core values by going on drunken feminist rants. Sources confirm that the 26 year old attended a party at his old frat Friday night, fully intending

Obama Makes Case for American “Pretty-Okay-ism”

WASHINGTON — In hoping to soothe the shaken American psyche following the recent government shutdown, President Obama held a press conference Wednesday to defend comments he made earlier in the week and make the case for American mediocrity. “Some around the world today may point at America and see an aging superpower struggling to come

Thirty-Something ‘Simply Thrilled’ At News of Baby Sister’s Engagement

DISHEVELED WALK-UP APARTMENT, NEW YORK– Lydia Hollan, a thirty-six year old single resident of Brooklyn, is reportedly “so overjoyed” at the news of her younger sister’s engagement to a Californian adventure capitalist. “I couldn’t be happier for my baby sister Lillian,” said Hollan during an interview at her apartment last Tuesday. “She definitely deserved to

Report: Michael Jackson Still Dead

Screen Shot 2013-10-29 at 2.22.28 PM

Neverland Ranch– At approximately 6:09 PM eastern time yesterday evening, late pop singer-songwriter Michael Jackson was announced “still dead” since his original passing on June 25th, 2009. The news shocked millions, as his name has continued to dominate headlines from The National Inquirer to The New York Times. This marked four years, three months, two

Ask an Overly-Aggressive Online Political Commenter

Dear Overly-Aggressive Online Political Commenter, My boyfriend’s birthday is in a few weeks. I’d like to get him something really special because it’s his 21st, but I don’t really want the present to be drinking related because that seems so trite. Is there anything you can suggest? I thought a nice collared sweater or other

A Letter of Recommendation for Bradley Gerst

Screen shot 2013-10-28 at 8.37.05 PM

To Whom It May Concern:  Based on your interest in “Hardworking  Associates Who Are Willing To Work For  Ridiculously Low Salaries,” we’d like to  recommend Bradley Gerst for a position at your  company. We know him better than anyone else in  his life, and so can give the strongest possible  recommendation for any venture he