Ypsilanti’s Step-Sister City Shows up At Doorstep Looking for a Couch to Sleep On

YPSILANTI – After being awoken by the fourth knock, the city of Ypsilanti crawled out of bed last Thursday evening to find its Step-Sister City, Hilliard, Florida, standing on its front porch in the middle of the rain. Hilliard apologized for not calling ahead of time, but added that it had just been driving through

School of Too Much Information to Host Panel on Your Grandparents’ Attempts to Rekindle Their Sex Life


WEST HALL – As part of an ongoing lecture series, the School of Too Much Information gathered on Wednesday to discuss the nuances of elderly couple Arthur and Lenore Ford’s recent experimentation with beta blockers and sexual lubricant. “The School of Too Much Information has long prided itself on exploring the topics other departments found

Entire Senior Class Leaves for California Without Telling Ben Affleck


SOUTH BOSTON – After four years of laying brick and solving complex equations during the night shift at the math department, the entire University of Michigan senior class has up and left for California without so much as a goodbye to lifelong friend, Ben Affleck. The twenty-two year-old fuckup had arrived, as he did every

Landmark Construction Worker Takes Pride in Building Home for Overprivileged Kids

LANDMARK SITE – During a union-mandated lunch break at the site of the unfinished Landmark luxury apartments, construction worker Barry Mullan revealed that, in his quiet moments, he can’t help but take solace in the fact that he is providing the most affluent students on campus with a place they can call their home. “You

Iraq War Reenactor Struggling to Convince Friends to Join


CLEVELAND – Despite repeated attempts, bookstore clerk and avid historian Brian Kemp has failed to coax several of his closest friends to join him in his quest to participate in a reenactment of the Iraq War. “There was no way I was going to that thing,” explained friend Devin Young, “so I told him that

Get These Fucking Hippies Off Me


By:  A Diag Tree Seriously, guys? All I wanted was to wake up from a nice, long winter dormancy without finding a bunch of natural- fiber-wearing monkeys climbing all over me. But no, the first day of spring rolls around, and you guys show up hell-bent on turning me into some kind of stoner jungle

Chinese Officials Surprised by How Flammable Tibetan Monks Are

SOUTHWEST CHINA – Chinese officials remain flabbergasted at how easily Tibetan monks have been catching on fire these days. Over 30 monks from the southern Chinese province has died from burn-related deaths over the past year, which the Chinese government has failed to associate with its brutal repression of Tibetan culture. “I have no clue

Area Man Apologizes to Person Who Just Stepped on His Foot

BUTTE, Mont. – Shedding light on the state of habitual shame that defines his very existence, Tyler Wendall found it necessary to issue an apology to junior Mark Dagley after having several of his metatarsal bones crushed under Dagley’s size-12 sneakers. Despite the fact that he was standing entirely stationary and at a safe difference

Season One of “The Wire” Rewatched in Preparation for Craigslist Exchange

PROVIDENCE, R.I. – Ph.D. candidate William Bettis this past weekend rewatched for the third time season one of HBO’s acclaimed series The Wire, as part of his ongoing research for an upcoming Craigslist exchange. The Wire’s first season sets a fictional cops-vs-gangs dynamic against the non-fictionally terrifying streets of West Baltimore, Maryland. Bettis, however, grew

Law School Doesn’t Really Care If Undergraduates Study in Library After Falling in U.S. News & World Report Rankings


AIKENS COMMONS – One month after U.S. News & World Report released its 2012 law school rankings, the University of Michigan Law School continues to struggle to accept its three-spot drop to number 10. Reports describe a general atmosphere of neglect, including a relaxation on policies restricting undergraduate access to the library. When directly asked

Roommate Still Not Over Elementary School Sweetheart

A DARK EMOTIONAL ABYSS—Sophomore Brian Thompson reports that his roommate, Carl Landry, has fallen in a small emotional crisis after running into Leslie Wagner, who they both grew up with, at a party last weekend. “Look you don’t understand,” Landry repeatedly told his roommate after the encounter. “Leslie and I went out in 4th grade,

Police Sketch Artist Experimenting with Cubism

Picture 22

CAMPUS – In an effort to aid in the search for elusive criminals, the Ann Arbor Department of Public Safety has encouraged their team to work with different approaches to identify criminals’ identities. Veering away from the traditional pen-and-paper style, Jeff Reynolds, the head sketch artist, has decided to dabble in watercolors, still life, romantic,

Breast Milk Now Available in East Quad Dining Hall

Picture 21

EAST QUAD – In an effort to support campus sustainability initiatives, the Residential Dining staff has introduced breast milk as a beverage option for the East Quad Dining Hall. The cafeteria’s large silver milk machine that previously contained only 2 percent, skim, and chocolate milk, now also dispenses the breast milk of free-range women who

Area Man More Selective with Food than with Women

THE UNION – LSA junior Marcus Quinn, whose stated requirements for sexual partners bears a striking resemblance to the dictionary definition for “human,” spent nearly 45 minutes on Wednesday closely inspecting his order of Wendy’s french fries, casting aside those with even the slightest blemish or inconsistency. Quinn’s obsessive selectivity not only runs in sharp

Askwith Media Library Expands Porn Collection

UGLi – Although the Askwith Media Library has an unparalleled collection of modern, classical, and German expressionist films, it has been often criticized for the lack of an adequate erotica collection. In response to such criticism, the Shapiro Undergraduate Library has announced the opening of the Kevin Mason Archer Smut Film Collection. The collection, which

Girl Wishes Ex-Boyfriend Would Notice That She’s Ignoring Him

EAST U. – Despite her best efforts at conspicuous nonchalance, L.S.A. junior Leah Fellows failed to garner enough attention from former flame Paul McDermott to make him realize how casually she was ignoring him at a campus house party last Saturday. The pair, who parted almost amicably more than a year prior, have been on

From the Archives–1942: Only Undrafted Male U of M Student Still Isn’t Getting Laid

CAMPUS– As the war continues to escalate and countless young men fight valiantly for their country overseas, University of Michigan junior Francis Cartwright, the only male undergraduate at the institution who has not been drafted into military service, reports having no luck with the plethora of single women on campus. Despite the fact that Cartwright’s

It’s a Wiring Problem” Says Landlord Standing in Front of Burning Rubble

Picture 18

WHAT USED TO BE 858 EAST U. – After surveying the smoldering heap of what was once an average student house in a popular off-campus neighborhood, Ken Farewell of Fare-Great Management surmised, “It’s just a minor wiring issue. I’ll write up a work-order. Should be no big deal.” The tenants of the house awoke in

“Lapdance Marathon” Donates to Mott’s Entirely in Singles

Picture 17

DIMLY LIT INDOOR TRACK – Setting the stage for an epic charity showdown with Dance Marathon, this year’s Lapdance Marathon at the University of Michigan raised $250,000 almost entirely in dollar bills for Mott’s Children’s Hospital. For 30 consecutive hours, over 1000 strippers – a mix of students, amateurs, and professionals – popped, locked, dropped,

Quiz Bowl Champion Can’t Quite Memorize How to Make Eye Contact

BAITS I – University quiz bowl captain James Striegel, who recently sparked his team’s championship run by correctly identifying the year of George Anson’s commission to First Lord of the British Admiralty, is dedicating the offseason to memorizing several fundamental elements of human interaction, including, but not limited to, eye contact, handshaking, and small talk.

University to Offer Witch-Doctor Track for Students Interesting in Pre-Medicine

THE SWAMPY WOODS BEHIND THE MEDICAL CAMPUS – U. administrators announced earlier this week that they will begin teaching classes on shamanism and faith-healing starting next academic year. This new undergraduate sequence, to be labeled “Pre-Pre-Med”, will be considered a preparatory track for the U.’s newly-established graduate program on the latest advances in pre-medicine. “Here

Et Al Celebrates Publication of Four-Millionth Article

JSTOR – With the release of the Journal of American Chemistry Society’s April issue, preeminent scholar Et Al has now penned over four million original academic works. His most recent piece, “Structure of Triplex D.N.A. in the Gas Phase,” was also coauthored by Annalisa Arcella and Guillem Portella, and is one of several hundred articles

“We Need to Revitalize Detroit” Says Student Taking Job in New York City

Picture 14

NOT IN DETROIT – In recent weeks, LSA senior Trevor Banks has repeatedly brought up with his friends the importance of “revitalizing” the city of Detroit, even though the Math and Econ double-major has already accepted a job with Morgan Stanley in New York City. Just a few weeks away from never again returning to

C-SPAN to Begin Killing Off Characters in Bid to Boost Ratings


CHANNEL 2 – Faced with debilitating budget cuts and dwindling viewership, the writers behind the television show C-SPAN have been forced to take drastic measures to ensure that the series remains on air. “We’ve tried everything to boost the ratings,” said C-SPAN writer Jake Cohen. “Increasingly scandalous plotlines, a musical episode, and even guest stars.

Freshman Dorms to be Powered by Sexual Tension

CAMPUS (ESPECIALLY MARKLEY) – As part of the University’s growing movement to make this campus as environmentally-friendly as possible, U. officials have announced a daring project to fuel all underclass dorms with the electrically-carnal atmosphere that fills the buildings each and every semester. “Our studies have shown that Michigan’s freshmen produce over 1,000,000 kilowatt-hours of

Tuition Hike Raises Cost of Being an Asshole to All-Time High


PRIVATE SECTOR – In light of the economy’s recent struggles and the financial despair of many Americans, the Ross School of Business decided that the best response to the crisis would be to jack up the price of out-of-state tuition, making it the most expensive undergraduate business school in the country. “With so many people

Local Airshow Fails to Maim, Kill Spectators

MILAN, Mich. – Despite organizers’ best efforts and months of fevered preparation, Saturday’s 31st Annual Mad Dog Air Races failed to grievously injure or take the life of any of the over 22,000 spectators in attendance. “You know,” said airshow promoter Bob Kruger, “this is only the second time in Mad Dog’s history that we

20 Years Later, Nostalgic Couple Renews Divorce Proceedings

CLEVELAND – Before a gathering of their closest legal counsel, Diane Bowman and Jerry Forth of Ohio publicly declared that their bitter animosity towards one another remains unwavering, even after nearly two decades of official separation. “I think in today’s world it’s easy to take things for granted,” said Mr. Forth during a break in

Facebook Sacrifices Slaughtered Lamb in Initial Public Offering

Picture 9

NYSE – In an effort to please the Gods of the Market, Facebook Inc. founder Mark Zuckerberg offered a sacrificial lamb during his company’s IPO on May 18th. “With so much at stake here, we really couldn’t leave anything to chance,” explained Zuckerberg. “We could only hope that the Invisible Hand would be pleased with

Kanye West and Jay-Z Announce Collaboration on Beyonce’s Next Baby

Picture 8

CHEAP MOTEL OFF EXIT 179 – After extended contract negotiations with his wife Beyonce Knowles, hip-hop impresario Jay-Z announced that the couple’s next baby will be a collaborative effort between himself and Kanye West. The newest baby is expected to drop in the next eight to nine months, if all the principals can clear their