Nike Still Looking for Endorsable Athlete Who Is Not Cheater, Sex Addict, or Murderer

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BEAVERTON, Oregon – Nike Inc. spokesperson Andres Edgerton admitted Tuesday afternoon that the sports apparel manufacturer is still searching for a halfway-decent athlete to associate itself with in light of the murder charges facing Oscar Pistorius, the revelations of Tiger Woods’ sexual infidelity, and the public disclosure that Lance Armstrong is a complete and utter

Heroic YouTube Viewer Comments on Music Video with Lyrics

The Internet rejoiced Monday morning after a user posted a verbatim line from Gotye’s “Somebody That I Used to Know” in its comments section on YouTube. The posting user, known only as Cr4bapple, has since garnered praise from many regular comment-section participants. Sources say the comment, “now ur just somebody that i used 2 no,”

NCAA President Looking Forward to Someday Vacating All of Calipari’s Seasons at Kentucky Besides this One

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THE NIT, THE GODDAMN NIT! – Sources report that NCAA President Mark Emmert has spent countless hours giggling to himself during the past week, repeatedly reminding himself that he will someday get to vacate every one of University of Kentucky head coach John Calipari’s seasons except perhaps just this one. Emmert has repeatedly mumbled under

Ghost of Ronald Reagan Returns to Realm of the Living to Encourage Republicans to Move On

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Amid eerie noises and creaking floorboards, the spectre of Ronald Reagan transcended the limits of life and death on Tuesday as his floating translucent figure appeared in front of Congressional Republicans to encourage them to revamp their political strategy. The GOP has mourned the loss of President Reagan since his death in 2004 and has

Detroit to Get Manager

LANSING – Heralding the arrival of a new era for the troubled city, Governor Rick Snyder announced on Tuesday that he had appointed the first manager in Detroit’s checkered history. “The time has come for Michigan’s largest city to be managed, by a manager,” said the governor at a press conference in front of the

Here Is an Article that Offends No One

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Here at the Every Three Weekly, we often receive complaints about our treatment of certain contentious issues. In response to concerns that this newspaper’s content may be troubling to some, we are happy to announce that we will soon begin printing more articles that will in no way push any envelopes, investigate social issues, or

GE Overseas Profit Controversy Welcome Distraction from GE Underseas Profit Hiding

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MARIANAS TRENCH NATIONAL BANK‒ In response to persistent criticism about a policy that requires it to keep billions of dollars in offshore bank accounts, the General Electric Company held a press conference on the deck of one of its aircraft carriers here yesterday to clear the air. “It was never our intention to avoid paying

Israel to Expand Wildlife Preserves by Demolishing Palestinian Settlements

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SWAMPY AREA FORMERLY KNOWN AS GAZA – According to a recent statement released by the prime minister’s office, the Israeli government is planning to undertake a massive wildlife restoration project aimed at expanding the wetlands in the eastern, western, and especially southwestern portions of the Jewish state. Showing a commitment to wildlife normally not displayed

Alleged Bin Laden Relative Pleads ‘Not Bin Laden’ in Terrorism Case

NEW YORK FEDERAL COURT – Sulaiman Abu Ghaith, the alleged son-in-law of the deceased al-Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden, entered a plea of “not guilty by reason of not being Osama bin Laden” in open court here on Monday. “That guy who masterminded every element of the 9/11 attacks? Yeah, I’m not him.” said the

Kim Jong-Un Asks to Invade ‘Just the Tip’ of South Korea

Rather than declare a full-on war against his northern neighbor in an effort to reunify the divided peninsula, North Korean leader Kim Jong-Un is now trying to convince South Korea to at least allow him to pursue a strategy of partial penetration. “Look, I recognize that I may have been pressuring you into a little