Tony Romo Now Highest-Paid Worst Quarterback in NFL History

ARLINGTON, Tex. – Tony Romo, who recently signed a six-year, $108-million contract extension with the Dallas Cowboys, is now the best-compensated most awful quarterback in the history of the NFL, according to league sources. Romo, who has inexplicably appeared on the field for the Cowboys for the past nine seasons, is often lauded as the

Study Finds Merciless Taunting Pretty Effective Solution to Childhood Obesity: Rates of Crying, Metabolism Soar in Response to Public Humiliation

THE BLACKTOP – A study from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention released Friday found that constant, community-based efforts to wantonly humiliate obese children may result in substantial weight loss and BMI reduction. The long-term, randomized, double-blind study was aimed at motivating a shift in the way we address the nation’s growing obesity epidemic.

MTV Mourns Fact that Reality Star Died Off-Camera

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WEST VIRGINIA – At a press conference following the accidental carbon-monoxide poisoning of reality TV star Shain Gandee, MTV executives reluctantly confirmed that none of their patented reality-cams had been present at the scene of the tragedy. Executive producer Barry Poznik concluded the conference with a personal message to the deceased’s family, saying, “While we

Mom Activist Group Makes Breakfast in Bed for Ugandan Child Soldiers

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‘BED,’ UGANDA – Calling Lord’s Resistance Army leader Joseph Kony’s use of child soldiers “just dreadful,” Mrs. Dorothy Hathaway of the Mothers for Tea and Social Change club in Wilmot, Minn. recently outlined her group’s plan to resolve the situation with freshly-delivered trays of warm, delicious breakfasts. “When I see I picture of this darling

Sixth Season of ‘Jon Hamm’s Wang’ Full of Throbbing Drama, Critics Say

Just three episodes into its sixth season, AMC’s hit series Jon Hamm’s Wang – which focuses on Jon Hamm’s phallus as it negotiates the shallow materialism of the 1960s advertising world, as well as vaginas – has been repeatedly praised by viewers for the way in which it allows them to stare at Jon Hamm’s

In Oddly Personal Hearing, Supreme Court Justices Seek to Learn What Exactly Makes One Gay

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 Asking For a Friend, Justices Swear WASHINGTON – In a follow-up to last month’s landmark oral arguments on gay marriage, the Supreme Court justices took turns asking oddly-personal hypothetical questions about the nature of homosexuality at a hearing tinged with awkwardness, furtive glances, and sexual shame. The nine justices resolved to spend the time necessary

Area Man Describes New Girlfriend’s Predatory Tendencies as ‘Cute’

ROMULUS, Mich. – Volunteer firefighter Shane Osgood reports that his fledgling relationship with local typist Lindsay Chancellor has been “absolutely perfect” despite her numerous aggressive tendencies. Since their relationship began last month, Chancellor has displayed controlling behaviors and extreme reactions to him leaving her presence, characteristics that Osgood has labeled “charming little quirks.” According to

BP Starts Corporate Image Cleanup Initiative: Goal Is to Remove 100% of Corporate Malfeasance from News by 2016

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In an effort to halt the ceaseless flow of bad press from seeping through to critical ears, senior executives at the multinational oil conglomerate BP announced their new Corporate-Image-Cleanup Initiative, a revolutionary program intended to remove any mention of its willfully-reckless corporate activity from mainstream news by 2016. The Image-Cleanup Initiative will be carried out

New Drug Promises to Treat Parents’ Anxiety Over Children’s ADHD Medication

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A consortium of the world’s leading drug companies announced Thursday that it plans to move ahead with trials for a medication designed to relieve parents’ mounting anxiety over giving their children ADHD medication. Upon finding that parents experience high levels of stress due to the fact that their children are ingesting large daily quantities of

2013 ‘Rotten Apple’ Winner Delivers Honorary ‘First Lecture’ on Content Relevant to Class Exam

Professor Ross Clark was awarded the 2013 Rotten Apple Award shortly after his HISTORY 263: People and Culture of Southeast Asia lecture on Tuesday, honoring his dedication to unpreparedness, disorganization, and teaching each lecture as if it were his first. This award was bestowed upon Professor Clark after a flood of nominations indicated that he