Before We Conclude This Mass, I’d Like to Give a Couple of ‘Shout-Outs’

Brothers and sisters, I’d like to give a few words of thanks to some very special people before we end our service today. ‘Ayo, shout out to my crew first off. We got Father Clarence from Notre Dame of Saints, Ol’ Dirty Seminarian from Saint Peter’s, and Reverend Run from Run D.M.C. Second off, I

I’m Not So Sure About This ‘Michigan’ Place

So let me get this straight, Pat: last night, I flew 500 miles out of Newark, cancelled an alpha-hydroxy peel booked months in advance, and skipped what was arguably one of the most important PTA meetings of the year just to visit a school that won’t even hire a full-grown adult to lead the campus

I Told You I Wasn’t Guilty of Extortion Related to the Eastside Sewer-Repair Contract

Let me just start by saying that I know I’m not perfect. I’m not trying to claim that I am. Lord knows I’ve done my fair share of racketeering, bribery, wire fraud, tax fraud, mail fraud, extortion, attempted extortion, conspiracy, and attempted conspiracy. Yes, it’s true: I’ve committed extortion related to a city sewer-lining contract.

I May Be a Sex Addict, but I Still Get More Pussy Than You

Hello everybody. My name is Mark, and I’m a sex addict. For the past eight years, I’ve struggled with the demons of being addicted to sexual intercourse. I’ve lived a life of meaningless, shallow sex and fleeting relationships. And I’ve gotten laid soooooo many more times that you all have. My debilitating addiction has caused

For the Love of God, Just Kill Me

Hey, you there, with the muffin and the MacBook. Yes, you. I need you to do something for me without asking any questions. I need you to kill me. Why, you ask? Let me tell you a little story: When I rolled off the assembly line in South Korea five years ago, I was a

Ayatotally Khameineed the U.S. and Israel to Stop Threatening Our Nuclear Program

We here at the E3W typically don’t accept unsolicited submissions, but we do make an exception for the theocratic heads of state who may or may not have imprisoned two of our writers. We hope you enjoy this short article, which was written by the Grand Ayatollah of the Islamic Republic of Iran and budding

Cat Rescues Firefighter from Ground

CATHERINE ST. – In an act of selfless heroism, Mr. Chin, the adorable 12-pound tabby cat of Fred and Melissa LaGrange, rescued firefighter Thomas Lamont from an area sidewalk on Friday night. Lamont, who had been stuck at ground level for the last 35 years, said he was on the verge of panic until he

Genetically-Modified Apple Totally Harmless, Says Satan

Sources at a local Meijer have confirmed that Satan recently ascended from the depths of hell in order to tempt human beings with irresistible genetically-modified fruit. “Hey, anyone interested in some bright, shiny, totally not-unhealthy fruit with absolutely no negative consequences for human beings whatsoever?” asked Satan while standing in front of the non-organic produce

University Designates 6th Floor of Hatcher Library ‘Coitus Corridor’

Genocide

In response to complaints from students engaging in lewd sexual acts in the upper-floor rooms of the Hatcher Graduate Library, the University Board of Regents has sought out “manageable solutions” to meet the “high demand” for easily-accessible erotic chambers in campus facilities. “Students have a variety of different needs that we’d like to satisfy whenever

Student Applying for Multiple Externships Still Has No Clue What Externship Is

Ross sophomore Andy Carter recently admitted to friends, family, and everyone he knows besides recruiters for Boston Consulting Group that he has no idea what an externship is or what a position as an extern might entail. Carter has become increasingly worried about his ignorance of corporate summer-work programs ever since he began applying for