Local Idiom Found Dead in the Water

Investigators from the Ann Arbor Police Department are working around the clock and burning the midnight oil to close the case on why a local idiom turned up dead in the water Monday morning. An early-bird, local fisherman Bob Dawson, burst the bubble on the crime after he found himself far up the creek without

Life All Downhill for Fifth-Grade Reading Champ

NOT WHERE SHE EXPECTED TO BE, THAT’S FOR SURE ‒ From her room in the long-abandoned Baits I, total personal failure and LSA sophomore Carly Huffman reported Tuesday morning that her life had never before seemed like “such a complete and utter waste of time.” This realization marks the nadir of quite a fall for

Michigan RAs Form Secret ‘Social Justice League’ to Combat Evil Forces of White Male Privilege

SJL

THE FORTRESS OF STIFLING POLITICAL CORRECTNESS – An elite group of genetically-unmodified campus Resident Advisors has recently joined together to form a band of vigilantes called the Social Justice League, according to sources deep within the Cave of Gender Neutrality. Citing the rampant spread of insensitive speech and incidents of hurt feelings, the shadowy League

Pope Francis Spoils Dramatic Conclusion of Hit TV Series ‘The Bible’

JOHN 3:16 – Fans of the History Channel’s popular fantasy epic The Bible unexpectedly found themselves treated to a slew of plot spoilers earlier this month during the televised broadcast of Pope Francis’s inaugural homily. To the dismay of millions watching, the pope formerly known as Jorge Mario Bergoglio revealed a number of The Bible’s

Athletic Department Launches Second ‘HAIL’ App to Reward Athletes for Class Attendance

Hail

Following the Honoring Attendance, Involvement, and Loyalty app’s overwhelming success in drawing students to University athletic events, the University Athletic Department is launching a brand-new version of HAIL intended to draw athletes to academic events, such as class. The new version of HAIL ‒ which now stands for Honoring Attendance, In-Class-Beingness, and (Hopefully) Learning ‒

BuzzFeed User Unsure Whether Post on Congolese Civil War ‘OMG,’ ‘Eww,’ or ‘WTF’

Sources confirmed Wednesday that Mary Keating, an Ann Arbor resident and frequent user of the crowdsourced viral content blog BuzzFeed, was deeply confused when she attempted to react to a trending article regarding the ongoing Congolese civil war in terms of the site’s relevant “Boost” categories, “OMG,” “Eww,” and “WTF.” “Those really gory pics of

Obama’s College Bong a Horcrux, Drunk Biden Reveals

WASHINGTON D.C. – Late last night, Vice President Joe Biden loudly alleged to reporters and customers at Bobby’s Bar & Grill that Barack Obama’s well-worn college bong contains a piece of the president’s soul. Better known as a “horcrux,” the bong could be just one of several soul fragments hidden around the world to prevent

Twitter Blows Up After Leaked Pictures of Kate Middleton’s Baby Room Surface: 5000 B-List Celebrities Killed in Blast

Earlier this week, E!HollywoodNews.com posted leaked images of Kate Middleton’s nursery room, leading to a sustained flurry of Twitter activity that ultimately caused the social media site’s servers to combust. Reports indicate that the Internet-wide conflagration has caused unthinkable carnage to offices and personal workspaces around the world. Authorities estimate that the series of blasts

Nike Still Looking for Endorsable Athlete Who Is Not Cheater, Sex Addict, or Murderer

Screen shot 2013-03-31 at 1.12.30 AM

BEAVERTON, Oregon – Nike Inc. spokesperson Andres Edgerton admitted Tuesday afternoon that the sports apparel manufacturer is still searching for a halfway-decent athlete to associate itself with in light of the murder charges facing Oscar Pistorius, the revelations of Tiger Woods’ sexual infidelity, and the public disclosure that Lance Armstrong is a complete and utter

Heroic YouTube Viewer Comments on Music Video with Lyrics

The Internet rejoiced Monday morning after a user posted a verbatim line from Gotye’s “Somebody That I Used to Know” in its comments section on YouTube. The posting user, known only as Cr4bapple, has since garnered praise from many regular comment-section participants. Sources say the comment, “now ur just somebody that i used 2 no,”