NCAA President Looking Forward to Someday Vacating All of Calipari’s Seasons at Kentucky Besides this One

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THE NIT, THE GODDAMN NIT! – Sources report that NCAA President Mark Emmert has spent countless hours giggling to himself during the past week, repeatedly reminding himself that he will someday get to vacate every one of University of Kentucky head coach John Calipari’s seasons except perhaps just this one. Emmert has repeatedly mumbled under

Ghost of Ronald Reagan Returns to Realm of the Living to Encourage Republicans to Move On

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Amid eerie noises and creaking floorboards, the spectre of Ronald Reagan transcended the limits of life and death on Tuesday as his floating translucent figure appeared in front of Congressional Republicans to encourage them to revamp their political strategy. The GOP has mourned the loss of President Reagan since his death in 2004 and has

Detroit to Get Manager

LANSING – Heralding the arrival of a new era for the troubled city, Governor Rick Snyder announced on Tuesday that he had appointed the first manager in Detroit’s checkered history. “The time has come for Michigan’s largest city to be managed, by a manager,” said the governor at a press conference in front of the

Here Is an Article that Offends No One

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Here at the Every Three Weekly, we often receive complaints about our treatment of certain contentious issues. In response to concerns that this newspaper’s content may be troubling to some, we are happy to announce that we will soon begin printing more articles that will in no way push any envelopes, investigate social issues, or

GE Overseas Profit Controversy Welcome Distraction from GE Underseas Profit Hiding

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MARIANAS TRENCH NATIONAL BANK‒ In response to persistent criticism about a policy that requires it to keep billions of dollars in offshore bank accounts, the General Electric Company held a press conference on the deck of one of its aircraft carriers here yesterday to clear the air. “It was never our intention to avoid paying

Israel to Expand Wildlife Preserves by Demolishing Palestinian Settlements

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SWAMPY AREA FORMERLY KNOWN AS GAZA – According to a recent statement released by the prime minister’s office, the Israeli government is planning to undertake a massive wildlife restoration project aimed at expanding the wetlands in the eastern, western, and especially southwestern portions of the Jewish state. Showing a commitment to wildlife normally not displayed

Alleged Bin Laden Relative Pleads ‘Not Bin Laden’ in Terrorism Case

NEW YORK FEDERAL COURT – Sulaiman Abu Ghaith, the alleged son-in-law of the deceased al-Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden, entered a plea of “not guilty by reason of not being Osama bin Laden” in open court here on Monday. “That guy who masterminded every element of the 9/11 attacks? Yeah, I’m not him.” said the

Kim Jong-Un Asks to Invade ‘Just the Tip’ of South Korea

Rather than declare a full-on war against his northern neighbor in an effort to reunify the divided peninsula, North Korean leader Kim Jong-Un is now trying to convince South Korea to at least allow him to pursue a strategy of partial penetration. “Look, I recognize that I may have been pressuring you into a little

Sadomasochism Freak with Al Qaeda Ties Just Begging for Another Round of Torture

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DINGY TORTURE CHAMBER/SEX DUNGEON ‒ Iraqi police confirmed yesterday that its interrogators have taken the day off from interrogation to brainstorm a new way to break the spirit of an unnamed Al Qaeda captive who is aroused by S&M, as well as every interrogation tactic they have attempted. “You know the drill,” said Fariq Abdelquadur,

‘We Found Nothing of Interest in Mysterious Ancient Antarctic Lake,’ Say Shifty-Eyed Russian Scientists

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LAKE VOSTOK, Antarctica – Rapidly moving their heads from side to side and emitting a strange green glow, Russian scientists announced today that they had found “nothing of note” during their decade-long research into this subsurface Antarctic lake, which was once thought to harbor exotic ancient life-forms. “There are no organisms living in Lake Vostok.