North Quad Flooding Fails to Destroy Dennison Building: Campus Laments Enduring Eyesore


AN UNFORTUNATELY-STILL-EXTANT BUILDING – Much to the chagrin of students, faculty, and sighted people everywhere, last month’s flooding of the North Quad residence hall has failed to completely and utterly destroy the Dennison Building, the universally-loathed architectural disaster that continues to mock passersby with its enduring presence. “At first, when I heard that North Quad

Spanish 102 Students Forced to Translate Incredibly Disturbing Sentences: ‘Las Momias Comen Los Ninos,’ Reads Latest Homework

Sources confirm that students in Professor Todd Leonard’s Spanish 102 class are becoming increasingly disturbed by their homework assignments, which require them to translate sentences from Spanish to English and vice versa. While this is normally standard procedure for introductory-level Spanish courses, the coursework for Leonard’s class is reportedly “dark,” “chilling,” and “seriously fucked up.”

Graduating Senior Accepts Lucrative Offer of Unemployment in Detroit Suburb


THE BOARDBEDROOM – After submitting countless job applications and weighing numerous competitive rejection offers, LSA senior Daniel Beamon finally accepted a position with 3900 Trout Creek Lane, an up-and-coming startup nestled in a quiet Rochester Hills subdivision, earlier this week. “I could’ve gone the Fortune 500 route, but I prefer the intimacy of a small,

Fraternity Pledge Spends Last Week of Semester Frantically Creating Sober Memories


DELTA THETA BETA CHAPTER HOUSE – Upon realizing he would soon be responsible for recounting the events of his freshman year to his parents, Delta Theta Beta pledge Anthony Sullivan devised a plan to experience two semesters’ worth of family-appropriate memories in his last week on campus. Sullivan has routinely blacked-out at least three days

Attention-Starved Sophomore Hopes You Think She Had One-Night Stand


Although LSA sophomore Amanda Morris regularly shows up to her morning classes wearing what is described as “a classic walk-of-shame outfit” – oversized men’s shirts, strappy stilettos, smudged makeup from the night before, and disheveled bedhead –  multiple sources have confirmed that there is actually not that much going on in her love life. “I

Student Unsure Why She’s Receiving Career Advice from Someone Who Could Only Find Work as a Career Advisor


STUDENT ACTIVITIES BUILDING – Halfway through a meeting last week with a campus career counselor, LSA senior Candice Williams came to the startling realization that it might not be the best idea to solicit career advice from someone who could only obtain employment as a career counselor. According to Williams, she began questioning her decision

Graduating Senior Finally Starting to Figure Out This Whole ‘College’ Thing

CAMPUS – After four difficult years of adapting to college life, Engineering senior Patrick Fullham reports that, at long last, he has managed to piece together a balance among work, school, and social commitments in the final two weeks before his graduation. “Yeah, I feel like I’m finally locked into a schedule that works for

Repressed Psychosexual Fantasies Making Huge Comeback Among Intro Creative Writing Students, Reports English Professor

BACK IN YOUR MOTHER’S UTERUS – MFA candidate Martin Kohlberg reports that latent sexual desire is heavily influencing the writing of the students in his ENGLISH 225: Introduction to Creative Writing class. Kohlberg noted he is happy to see his students accepting this fact, even though most of them were completely unaware aware of the

Before We Conclude This Mass, I’d Like to Give a Couple of ‘Shout-Outs’

Brothers and sisters, I’d like to give a few words of thanks to some very special people before we end our service today. ‘Ayo, shout out to my crew first off. We got Father Clarence from Notre Dame of Saints, Ol’ Dirty Seminarian from Saint Peter’s, and Reverend Run from Run D.M.C. Second off, I

I’m Not So Sure About This ‘Michigan’ Place

So let me get this straight, Pat: last night, I flew 500 miles out of Newark, cancelled an alpha-hydroxy peel booked months in advance, and skipped what was arguably one of the most important PTA meetings of the year just to visit a school that won’t even hire a full-grown adult to lead the campus