Syrian Tourism Board Looks to Expand ‘Explore the Ruins’ Initiative

syria ruins

DAMASCUS – With the recent discovery of a complex system of ruins throughout Syria’s northern region, the Syrian Tourism Board’s previously stagnant “Explore the Ruins” campaign is expected to undergo rapid expansion. The sites, many of which date back to the second Assad era of the third millennium A.D., came as a complete surprise to

John Kerry Getting Hooked on ‘Sex and the City’ DVDs Left Aboard State Department Jet

Senior officials confirm that newly-inducted Secretary of State John Kerry has become “very invested” in the Sex and the City DVD box set left aboard his government jet. As the United States’ top diplomat, Kerry spends much of his waking life in a security-enhanced Boeing 747, and when not catching up on sleep or preparing

Dell Computer Accidentally Purchased by Carl


YPSILANTI – According to industry sources, area man Carl Stevenson recently purchased Dell Computer, Inc., the struggling PC maker, for $1535.67 after attempting to buy a new desktop on the company’s website. “I owned an Lenovo for a few years, but it died on me, so I needed to get a new computer,” said Carl.

Apparently Pro-Cancer Student Planning to Skip Relay for Life

WEST QUAD – Despite receiving numerous reminders to register as a volunteer for his floor’s Relay for Life team, LSA junior Sam Ogland has still not done so because, apparently, he enjoys living in a world where cancer wins. This year’s Relay for Life event will be held on April 20th. Ogland has made it

Floridian Student Unable to Distinguish Seasonal Depression from Dying

NETHERWORLD BETWEEN LIFE AND DEATH – Sources reported yesterday afternoon that LSA sophomore Brittany DeMaio, who hails from Tampa Bay and suffers from the depressive symptoms of seasonal affective disorder (SAD), is unable to distinguish between this condition and actually dying. DeMaio has not left her bed in over a week, as nearly two decades

Martial Law Declared in Bursley Dining Hall

bursley dining

MURFIN AVENUE – Citing a “clear and present danger,” as well as a complete lack of order and control, Presidents Mary Sue Coleman and Barack Obama have jointly declared martial law in the Bursley Residence Hall dining area, move that many North Campus residents have been calling “a pleasant change” and “long overdue.” In a

Voice Major Aces Audition for Role of Most Annoying Roommate Ever

BURSLEY HALL – Freshman Lance Anders, a vocal-performance major from Piscataway, N.J., excitedly announced last Friday that he has been cast as “Unbearable Roommate Number 1” following a grueling audition process. The selection was made by the other inhabitant of Anders’ dorm room, LSA freshman Tom Primack, after Anders’ stellar rendition of “The Words From

Stock Market Soars on News of Stock Market Soaring

THE STOCK EXCHANGE – Equity markets rallied Friday after stronger-than-expected Friday stock action helped lift shares on Friday. Screens began flashing notification of large share purchases around 10:17 a.m., at which point the floor of the Exchange became a frenzy of activity. Shortly thereafter, it was revealed that many stocks had been purchased, which many

Pistorius Overcomes Adversity, Becomes First Double-Amputee Olympian to Murder Girlfriend


JOHANNESBURG CITY PRISON, HANDICAP BLOCK – Oscar Pistorius, the first athlete without legs to compete in the Olympic Games, also became the first athlete without legs to brutally murder his girlfriend early Thursday morning. In a feat many have described as “nothing short of extraordinary,” Pistorius recorded the first sub-4.2-second bed-to-bathroom-sprint-with-pistol-in-hand. His achievement is an

NHL Owners, Players Agree to Share Whatever Profits They Can Manage to Earn Until Next Lockout

PENALTY BOX – After nearly four months of negotiations, countless arbitration meetings, and five boardroom-clearing brawls, the NHL Players’ Association and league owners agreed to a profit-sharing deal that will fairly distribute the $115 the league as a whole will make this year after pissing off its entire fan base. Despite the financial difficulties faced