A BULLET-RIDDEN MADISON SQUARE PARK – ImprovNYC’s impromptu performance of “Thriller” was cut tragically short as the performers were caught in a vicious firefight between the Colombos and the Massinos, two of the city’s original “Five Families” of organized crime. “Well, I thought we were really nailing the tough choreography,” said Michael Orton, the leader
THE FERTILE CRESCENT – A dark horse appears to have entered the so-called “Tablet Wars” following Babylonia-based Fig Inc.’s announcement of the Stone Tablet at its annual press conference earlier this week. “In simplicity there is elegance,” said project lead Hammurabi during the product’s launch event. “All this emphasis on megapixels, gigahertz, USB, 4G, and
CHICAGO – Groupon, the daily-deal website that has seen its share price fall by more than 80% since its November 2011 IPO, recently announced that offering a Groupon on Groupon stock was “probably a mistake.” Said CEO Andrew Mason, “Fact is, after offering a Groupon on just about every business in America, we were running
LOUISVILLE – The Kentucky Fried Chicken Corporation rocked the gay-fast-food establishment earlier this week after announcing that the company’s new marketing campaign will focus on courting the country’s burgeoning LGBT population. KFC spokesmen explained that the company, which was founded by notorious Mexican-American War criminal Col. Sanders, is making a sharp break with the past,
DISTRICT OF COLUMBIA – Years after his tenure as one of Washington D.C.’s most prominent crackheads was ended by several unfortunate incidents involving his election as mayor, Marion Barry has returned to the nation’s capital to once again make a go at crack addiction. “I was in a dark place back then,” said Barry. “The
GREENWOOD ST. – 22-year-old LSA senior Harry Wilkins astonished observers yesterday with his uncanny ability to draw from memory a pretty solid replica of the back of a box of Lucky Charms, a feat made all the more impressive by his having only looked at the box once that day, while pouring his morning cereal.
IOWA CITY, Iowa – In a summer that broke records for high heat and low precipitation, America’s farmers watched in horror as most of their crops wilted and shriveled, just as Rob Cole’s (’13) penis did the same after a summer without any poontang. To date, the self-proclaimed lady-killer has not gotten any action in
CAMPUS – A passionate, summer-long fling between LSA junior Nelson Phegley and School of Education senior Jessica Thompson turned recently into what Phegley describes as his inability to get Thompson to return his phone calls, texts, emails, and Facebook messages. “Things were going great,” muttered Phegley unconvincingly, remembering that, while he was always asked to