Annoying Friend Has Uncanny Ability to Cling to Group

Engineering freshman Adam Barillas has demonstrated uncanny skill at remaining in his friend group despite the group’s ongoing efforts to oust him. To date, Barillas, who has been described as “clingy,” “attention-seeking,” and “insufferably wracked with abandonment issues” by those who like him best, has managed to make it through at least seven different attempts

Ask a Student Who’s About to Find Out He Got Deferred

Dear Student Who’s About to Find Out He Got Deferred, I’m a freshman now in my second semester at the University and I love it here. I’ve met lots of new friends, but I really want a relationship right now. I met an awesome girl at a party recently, but she goes to school an

My Life is So Part-Time College!

Oh my Lord, Sarah, did I tell you about what I did last night? I got so wasted – we invented this drinking game where you have to take a sip of pinot grigio anytime anybody mentions an aspect of the Reagan years you liked the best. I must have drained an entire two glasses

Professional Football Replaces Sex as Top American Pastime

We here at the E3W typically don’t accept unsolicited submissions, but we do make an exception for those born between the years 1923 and 1926. We hope you enjoy this article, which was written by an 87-year-old University alum and “religious reader” of the E3W, and edited by the E3W. Roger Goodell, Commissioner and Grand

Steven A. Smith and Skip Bayless Lament Lack of Meaningful Discourse in Washington

FAR AWAY FROM ONE ANOTHER – During a recent episode of ESPN: First Take, Steven A. Smith and Skip Bayless, sports analysts and co-winners of the 2012 “Person You’d Least Like to Sit Next to at a Dinner Party” award, decried the lack of serious dialogue in the American political system. “As I look at

Al-Qaeda Claiming Responsibility for Just About Anything Nowadays

alqaeda

A CAVE – Hoping to increase its relevance in the global jihad against Western imperialism, al-Qaeda has begun to expand the range of activities for which its willing to claim responsibility to more unconventional events. “Suicide bombings are so 2001. Any schmuck with a few pounds of nitroglycerin and an old pickup truck can claim

Chinese Hackers Apologize to NY Times: Say They Were Just Trying to Get Around Paywall

UANGZHOU, GUANGDONG PROVINCE – Generals from the People’s Liberation Army offered their “most sincere apologies” to the New York Times after the newspaper published an extensive account claiming it had been hacked by the Chinese. The 52nd Cyberwarfare Infantry Brigade was “only trying to keep up with Nate Silver’s latest fascinating blog posts,” said Army

Ahmadinejad’s Encouraging Kindergarten Teacher ‘Has a Lot to Answer For,’ Say Critics

TEHRAN – The global reaction to Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s announcement that he would like to be his nation’s first astronaut has been largely derisive, with many in the international community mocking the president for his childish aspiration. But in recent weeks, more and more of the president’s enemies have sought out the person who

Student Seeks Culture, Weed on Streets of Spain

SOME SEEDY ALLEY IN SEVILLE – In an effort to more fully experience Spanish youth culture, LSA junior Rebecca Allister successfully orchestrated a marijuana purchase while studying abroad this semester. Allister completed her first transaction for cannabis since leaving the United States after consulting various Spanish sources, including her roommate, her host mother, and a

North Korea Announces Successful Annihilation of Subterranean Imperialists

KOREAN CENTRAL NEWS AGENCY – North Korean leader Kim Jong-un announced proudly today that advancing below-ground forces were annihilated in a targeted underground nuclear strike. “For too long, imperialist forces have been attempting to sneak into our country by tunnelling through our decrepit sewer systems and trying to overthrow our magnificent nation,” explained the Supreme