Congressman Grounded After Receiving 52% Percent on Midterms

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Despite his successful reelection campaign, Michigan State Congressman Rex Musky was grounded Wednesday morning after his parents discovered that he only received 52 percent of the popular vote. “He’s a nice kid and a good congressman, but he really needs to apply himself more,” said Linda Musky, the Republican politician’s mother. Despite the congressman’s insistence

Michelle Obama Wears String of Amputated Fingers Around Neck as Warning to Nation’s Obese Youth

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Calling her “Let’s Move!” campaign an “outright futile strive” to end childhood obesity in the United States, First Lady Michelle Obama announced in a speech Tuesday she is adopting a new, more formidable strategy: wearing a string of amputated fingers formerly belonging to American diabetics around her neck. “For nearly four years, I have traveled

South Quad Dining Hall: There’s Nothing Like The Sensation Of Having 1,000 Young People Inside You At The Same Time.

By South Quad Dining Hall I know you’ve heard of me. And I bet you’re wondering how I do it. Everyone’s curious. You’re saying to yourself, “There’s no way it can be that good!” Well, let me tell you something. I am that good. I’m more than that good. So much more. There’s a reason

‘Hoke’ Rhymes With ‘Joke.’ It Also Rhymes with ‘Choke.’ What Can We Do Here, Boys?

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By the Michigan Daily Sports Editor Okay, boys. So, the Michigan football team isn’t doing so hot right now. We’re losing games, the department’s embroiled in controversy, and the fans are really upset. They want a voice! This is really our time to shine. We need to get something killer in tomorrow’s issue that will

Grandma, Grandpa Agree: Should Have Just Split Entree at Romano’s Macaroni Grill

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While out for dinner last Thursday, local grandparents Richard and Helen Boulding were seen acting visibly bewildered by the size of their meals, which they ultimately agreed constituted twice as much food as they really needed. Richard and Helen, who were dining at their local Romano’s Macaroni Grill in celebration of their granddaughter Catherine’s twelfth

Quentin Tarantino: I Won’t Start Production on My Next Movie Until at Least Ten Women Send Me Pictures of Their Feet

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When the script for The Hateful Eight was leaked and I decided to shelve it out of spite, I realized two things. First, the public’s demand for my movies is so high that I can’t possibly let them down for petty reasons. Second, you guys will do anything to convince me to stay in the

Area Couple Passionately Conceives In Vitro Fetus

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THE LOCAL SPERM BANK— Despite their inability to have a child through conventional intercourse, newlyweds Joe and Lucy Evans’ in vitro conception was reportedly nonetheless magical. “Everything about it was perfect,” Evans said. “The romantic, muted lighting, Seal’s ‘Kiss from a Rose’ playing softly on the stereo, and a vast selection of hardcore pornographic magazines

Nation’s Poop-Shy Call for Noisier Bathrooms

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THE NEXT STALL OVER—Calling the level of ambient noise in the nation’s public restrooms “humiliatingly low,” thousands of poop-shy Americans have begun campaigning in pursuit of noisier restrooms, claiming this would allow them to finally void their bashful, highly self-conscious bowels in peace. Poop-shy individuals, who find it difficult or impossible to defecate within earshot

Dr. Pepper Loses Medical License After Giving Millions of Patients Diabetes

Amid the largest and tastiest medical scandal in American beverage industry history, the American Medical Association has suspended the medical license of Dr. Herman Pepper, who is allegedly responsible for giving Type-II diabetes to millions of his patients. “Dr. Pepper’s alleged actions, if confirmed to be true, are morally reprehensible, as well as a major

Obama Named Worst President Since Bush

President Barack Obama was named the worst Leader of the Free World following George W. Bush’s time in office in a recent double blind poll conducted by CNN last week. No other Presidents were nominated. While many voters supported some of Obama’s policies, they did not hesitate to judge the Chief Executive’s overall tenure in

Independent Space Agencies Vow to Establish Life, Poverty, Suffering on Mars by 2030

Elon Musk, billionaire and founder of SpaceX, has announced plans to institute civilization, with all its violence, pain, and ultimately meaningless yearning for higher purpose, on Mars by 2030. “It is our primary mission to explore the stars,” explained Musk, “and spread, through the vastness of the void of space, the banality of the futile,

Nation’s Sickos Add Finishing Touches to This Year’s Halloween Candy Poison

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With a quick spritz of hemlock and a generous dash of cyanide, representatives of the nation’s sickos proudly confirmed Monday that they’d just put the finishing touches on this year’s batch of Halloween candy poison. Since the nation’s mothers first dreamt up this sort of nightmare in the late seventies, psychopaths, malcontents, and loonies alike

Roger Goodell Suspends ISIS for Three Games After Beheading Videos Surface

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NEW YORK—Early this morning, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell confirmed that the NFL will be suspending international terrorist group ISIS for three games, following the release of videos displaying the beheading of several kidnapped journalists. “I’ve made mistakes, and I’m just trying to get this right,” said Goodell in a press conference. “I am now setting

Brady Hoke Leaves Rotting Corpse of Shane Morris on Practice Field

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In what has been described as “gross misconduct” by the Athletic Department, the putrid, decaying body of recently deceased quarterback Shane Morris continued to take snaps at UM’s football practice last week. When interviewed about the matter, coach Brady Hoke said, “As the head coach, it’s not my job to pay attention to personnel changes

Area Asshole Wearing Costume Way Too Early

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In a fashion move that has baffled students all over campus, ROTC senior and overenthusiastic weirdo Conor Buckley decided to celebrate Halloween far too early this year, wearing his Army costume a whole week before the 31st of October. “I get that he’s excited to dress up and all, but just because you bought that

Student Studying in UgLi Narrowly Survives Violent Onslaught of Insights into Sarah’s Personal Life

Area student Sam Bennett reportedly stepped onto the fourth floor of the Shapiro Undergraduate Library last Wednesday to study for his STATS 250 midterm, but instead was subject to a seemingly unending assault of very personal information by fellow student Sarah Friar. Friar, who was stationed a few seats down from Bennett with her friend,

Area Man Wrapped in Diag Hammock ‘Just Asking’ to Get Stabbed

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Numerous individuals passing an area man relaxing Sunday afternoon in his cocoon hammock described the man as looking “totally stabbable.” The man reportedly mistook his spot between two trees on the Diag as the woods or some shit and was seriously this motherfucking close to getting stabbed. “I’m not saying I’m gonna do it—that’s not

Hall ‘Open Door Policy’ Forces Chinese Exchange Student Out of Comfort Zone, Valuable Port Cities

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FAR EAST QUAD—A well-intentioned measure meant to provoke a sense of friendship and camaraderie among residents in East Quad’s Cooley House and 19th century imperialists turned tragic earlier this week after freshman Harry Xiang found himself enriched with friends and neighbors, but robbed of his formerly-unclaimed treaty ports of Shanghai, Nanjing, and Tientsin. “One day

Northwood Freshman To Become Asexual

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Since recently settling into his remote Northwood III apartment, Michigan freshman Kyle Sleighter has elected to become asexual, mainly because his “fucking to being fucked over ratio [has] completely flipped.” “I put posters on the bus stop signs for weekly Friday orgies and advertised free tongue-kisses outside my dorm room on weekdays,” said the the

Job Applicant Turned Down on Basis of Visible Tattoos, Visible Ugliness

According to the lead hiring representative at Miller Co., job applicant Theresa Webb was rejected for the position to which she applied due to her lack of a “professional appearance,” a consequence of her numerous visible tattoos and conspicuous visible ugliness. “Though Theresa showed many of the qualifications we seek in an employee, we ultimately

Michigan A Cappella Group Discovers Real Instruments, Stops Pretending to Be Instruments

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An important discovery on Tuesday may permanently change the way a cappella groups perform at the University of Michigan. The Awkward Fellas, the newest all-male a cappella group on campus, found out that they could replace all their vocal parts with newly discovered devices tentatively being called instruments. Musical director Joe Sherman tells the story

Senior Excited to Get Job, Start Paying Off Loans From Skeeps

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While LSA senior Stan Long admits to feeling stressed about his student loans, he says it’s his debt to Skeeps has been keeping him up at night. “If I default on my student loans, that sucks, whatever,” explained Stan. “But if I can’t pay Skeeps back, I know the guys who work the door will

Study Finds Human Sense of Hearing Most Acute While Masturbating

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A recent study from Tufts University has shown that the human sense of hearing is most sensitive to very small sounds while the subject is masturbating. Jaylene Mackintyre, one of the co- authors of the study, said, “normally an average person can only hear down to about 0 decibels, but when the person is pleasuring

Tense Discourse on Cultural Appropriation Likely to Ruin Halloween for Everyone

RA Jenny was trying to do her best, but really should have included a trigger warning.

Sources confirmed Wednesday that topical concern about cultural appropriation is likely to “kill everyone’s vibe” this Halloween after a mandatory sensitivity training session for all members of the Interfraternity council. Workshop facilitator Madison Gemitz led the various members of Greek Life through a presentation that explained in detail why it was offensive to dress up

Freshman Girl Hesitant to Buy Football Ticket Alone in Jake’s Room

Sources confirmed this Friday that Jake Tyler, a Markley freshman, couldn’t understand why fellow freshman Amanda Pollack wouldn’t buy his Indiana ticket. “It was super easy for her,” he said. “The ticket was only 10 bucks, all she had to do was come to my room on Friday night around 6 or 7. I told

‘So, What’s Your Major?’ Asks Social Maverick at Party

Sources confirmed that LSA junior and self-described “human social lubricant” Tanner McCarty established multiple deep connections with friends, acquaintances, and fellow party-goers after asking them what their respective fields of study were. “Oh, that Tanner kid? He was okay, I guess,” LSA sophomore Carrie Orlich said, trying her best not to quiver with pleasure at

Study: Math Lab Great for Homework Help, Questioning How You Even Got Accepted Here in First Place

BASEMENT DUNGEON OF EAST HALL—Sighting that they receive a better understanding of the material, higher scores on homework assignments, and a lingering sense of confusion as to how they were actually admitted into the University of Michigan in the first place, a recent study conducted by the University has found that 97 percent of students

Earth Science GSI Not Even Trying to Play It Cool About Rocks

WEST HALL ROOM THREE-OH-SEVEN—Following an underwhelming discussion section last Wednesday, EARTH 105 GSI Al Hammond decided to abandon his strategy of downplaying his passion for all things igneous and sedimentary, allowing the students to discover the “majesty” of rocks on their own. Initially, Hammond had thought that the natural splendor and complexity of the Earth’s

Campus Panties Drop to Ankles for Guy Crossing Diag on Wheelie Shoes

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Saying they just couldn’t resist the way he wove effortlessly and tantalizingly around the Block ‘M,’ hundreds of female students were left scrambling to hike their panties back up after an unidentified lady-killer slithered seductively across the Diag on his Heelys. In his wake, the unnamed Lothario left dozens of g-strings, hiphuggers, cheekies and thongs

‘This is Where They’ll Say It All Began,’ Thinks Freshman in Chem 130

THE PATH TO SUCCESS—During his professor’s rushed, twenty-minute overview of the Chemistry 130 syllabus and attendance procedures, freshman Ben Brady was reported to have been consistently taking notes, nodding vigorously, and aiming to make eye contact with his pre-assigned GSI. Upon dismissal, Brady closed his notebook, thanked the professor, and exited the Chemistry building at