Incoming Freshman Desperately Reviewing Spanish, Michigan Football History

HOME TO THE MOST WINS IN COLLEGE FOOTBALL— Incoming freshman Robbie Rosen was reportedly very excited to move in to his new room in Bursley, but he did admit that he has some worries about beginning his college career in Ann Arbor. However, his concerns about preparing for the rigor of college courses are dwarfed

U-M Ranks #1 in Student to Student Organization Ratio

Screen Shot 2014-09-10 at 6.21.22 PM

Inching out top-spot contenders UCLA and University of Wisconsin-Madison, the University of Michigan now boasts the nation’s smallest ratio of actual students to registered student organizations. According to US News & World Report, the University now maintains an average of only 3 students for every one of its many school-certified clubs, teams, and associations. “For

Redskins Change Name to ‘Federally Screwed Over Pre-Columbian Americans’

WASHINGTON—The NFL franchise formerly known as the Washington Redskins shocked the sports world Monday when they announced plans to change their team name to the “Federally Screwed Over Pre-Columbian Americans”, or, “Columbos” for short. “We screwed up,” admitted Washington NFL franchise owner Dan Snyder, “I always viewed “Redskins” as a term of endearment. I was

Brady Hoke Suddenly Realizes His Career Depends on Hungover Teenagers

THE HOKE HOUSEHOLD—Head Football Coach Brady Hoke, who has recently been rumored to be in danger of losing his job, was reported as being “under the weather” late Friday night. According to sources close to the family, Hoke suffered a severe panic attack due to a sudden realization that his job and legacy depend completely

East Timor President Gives Growing Country ‘The Talk’

Addressing the fledgling nation at a press conference last Friday, East Timor President Taur Matan Ruak decided it was time to give his country “the talk.” “People of the sovereign nation of East Timor,” he said, “I feel it is my duty as a responsible president to help prepare you for some of the changes

ISIS First Terrorist Group with Cool Bond-Villain Acronym

SECRET VOLCANO LAIR, IRAQ—As President Obama has held his resolve to continue air strikes in Iraq targeting the jihadist terrorist organisation ISIS, he has also held his resolve that the acronym ISIS is “just a really, really cool name.” The acronym, which officially stands for “Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant,” has an air

Jews Excited to Finally Be Bad Guys

THE HOLY LAND—Although Israel has drawn headlines for using excessive violence against Palestinian civilians in past weeks, Jews around the world are reportedly not feeling any guilt or shame. Rather, they are generally happy to finally be the perpetrators in a bloody global conflict. “Throughout history, Jews are always the victims,” Jewish man and self-described

Bono Announces Plans to Kiss Every Living Person on the Mouth

Screen Shot 2014-09-08 at 5.25.19 PM

In a publicized announcement last Friday, musician and philanthropist Bono announced that his latest project will be to kiss every living person on the mouth. “I’ve been involved with quite a few charities over the years,” said Bono, “but I haven’t yet done something that truly benefits everybody.” Walter Smithson, a spokesman for Bono, has

Rising Senior Declares that Incoming Class of 2018 Doesn’t Know Shit About Shit

Screen Shot 2014-06-04 at 8.36.35 PM

According to LSA senior Charlie Lynn, who has been a student at the University of Michigan for the past three years, the incoming University freshmen “literally know nothing about anything.” Compared to Lynn, who has amassed over ninety-five credits worth of knowledge at the University, the incoming Class of 2018 has, apparently, “a bunch of

To that Young Man Who Was Reading ‘The Every Three Weekly’ in West Quad that One Time

peter dejonge

By: Peter DeJonge Hey, bud. I’m not sure who you are, where you’re from, or what you do, but I want you to know one thing; I saw you that one time you were reading The Every Three Weekly in the West Quad Cafeteria a couple months ago. And you were laughing! And that was