Let Steve Burke Woo You, Honey: By Steve Burke

Hey, baby. I know it’s only been a couple of days since we first met—since that fateful evening when you walked into the Club Sports Council meeting, representing the Women’s Synchronized Swimming team. You were so full of wonder, so full of life; with an ample bosom and an inquisitive mind. Now, baby, I finally have you and tonight, we shall make

OKCupid Launches “PrettyGoodCupid” for More Discerning Customers

Humor Rainbow, the company behind OKCupid, has announced plans to launch a new “PrettyGoodCupid” site for “more discerning” and “less desperate” singles. This new site will cater to a clientele who find themselves unsatisfied by what OKCupid has to offer. Said COO Damien Bronson of the launch, “We think that this move will bring in

Matthew McConaughey Wins Oscar for Incredibly Convincing Portrayal of Man With IQ over 75

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The 86th annual Academy Awards brought all of Hollywood out earlier this month to celebrate such highly acclaimed films as Gravity, the thrilling tale of people being able to stand looking at Sandra Bullock’s face for 91 consecutive minutes, and 12 Years A Slave (alternately titled White Guilt and Brad Pitt). The “Best Actor” award,

Spotify Knows How Jamie Is Really Taking Her Breakup

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YOUR FACEBOOK NEWSFEED—Friends of Jamie Sweetley believed that she was taking her separation from longtime boyfriend Henry Barton pretty well, until Tuesday when Facebook published Jamie’s recent Spotify sessions. “I was shocked,” says Sweetley’s best friend, Sandra Hendry. “I thought she was doing so well. She was practicing yoga three times a week, got this

New Realistically Proportioned Barbie Doll to Only Feature Outfits for Realistically Attainable Careers

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In an effort to promote healthy self-image among young girls, Mattel has decided to create a new Barbie doll that portrays the average woman by altering not only her unattainable bust-waist-hip ratio, but also her overly ambitious career choices. “We understand that young girls need positive images of normal women who they can look up

Local Woman Embarks on Relationship With Man Who Will Ruin All Other Men Forever

Ann Arbor resident Lisa Shields has recently entered into a relationship with local doctor, Todd Guser, a near-perfect man most notable for setting the dating expectations of Lisa Shields far too high, forever. During the course of their relationship, which began Tuesday and will be over before the end of May, Guser will offer Shields

He Definitely Saw That Spittle Fly Out of Your Mouth, and He Was Disgusted

A team of analysts have confirmed that during the conversation you had with that important man, he did notice how that little spurt of saliva sailed out of your mouth as you talked. Although you both opted to pretend as though you didn’t just eject an off-putting bodily fluid in the middle of your conversation,

Veterinarian of the Month Honored for Euthanizing Unprecedented 94 Dogs

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Rachel Stark, 29, recently received Richmond Animal Care’s award for Vet of the Month, after her stellar performance euthanizing 94 dogs in February. Stark’s boss, Leslie Offerman, offered high praise for Stark’s work. “Not only did she put down dozens upon dozens of dogs, she also did it with a great big smile on her

Report: Time Flies When You’re an LSA Senior Who Doesn’t Have Their Shit Together

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According to a recent study conducted at the ‘U,’ seniors graduating in May no longer have time to “figure it out,” find a job, or avoid the crippling depression characteristic of individuals with a useless degree and no purpose. After days of fundraising and preparation, scientists were able to determine this by collecting a random

Sun Just Not Ready to Come Out Yet

Despite finally reaching inner-peace regarding his sexual orientation, the Sun has so far refused to come out this spring. Those close to him maintain that while society is becoming more tolerant of ‘outed’ individuals, he is still not ready to take such a big leap and come out to everyone. “The Sun wants to come