Area Man Now Financially Stable, Physically Healthy Enough to Have Emotional Problems


JUST ANOTHER POTHOLE IN THE ROAD OF LIFE—Sacramento, California man Timothy Davies has found, now that his finances and physical health are in order, he is finally able to have emotional problems derived from personal, professional, and romantic relationships. “I was struggling to pay the rent on my apartment for months, and I was having

Millions of Africans Die of Not-Ebola

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SOMEWHERE OTHER THAN THE EVENING NEWS—Sources confirmed Monday that of the millions of Africans who died in the past year, nearly all perished due to factors entirely unrelated to the Ebola outbreak. Health officials were reportedly shocked to find that, besides a handful of cases in West African nations, most premature African deaths stemmed not

Senior Weighing Career Options As If She Won’t Soon Be Struck by Tree, Face Lifelong Paralysis

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Engineering senior Desiree Parks, who is anticipated to graduate in May 2015, is reportedly busy looking into future employment options, completely oblivious to the fact that in only seven short months, she will be hit in the head by a massive falling tree branch and will thus be unable to maintain a career or even

Vatican Wardrobe Stylist Baffled by Church’s Waivering Stance on Homosexuality

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THE WALK-IN CLOSET—Following a recent Vatican synod, Atanasio Cesarini, the man employed by the Vatican to whimsically mix and match various furs, silks, and tulle in his designs for Pope Francis’ wardrobe was left seemingly perplexed by the Catholic Church’s decision not to alter its doctrine regarding its stance on homosexuality. Cesarini, who has worked

Star Athlete Lauded for Being Mediocre Human

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DALLAS – DeMarco Murray, Dallas Cowboys running back and emerging NFL superstar, is drawing raves on and off the field, acclaimed by fans as not only “a young man with a promising career” but also “not a total dick” and “a reasonably mediocre human being.” Murray was further praised by Cowboys head coach Jason Garret

Michigan Fans Long for Time When Cover-Up of Sex Crime Was Football Program’s Only Problem

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In wake of the disappointing football season, Michigan football fans reportedly wished for a return to a “better and simpler time,” namely when the team was decent enough that fans’ only concern was a covered-up rape charge. Engineering senior and self- professed diehard fan Ben Snider told reporters, “Man, I wish we could just go

Sustainable Cannibal Only Eats Vegans

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In a move that has received advanced praise from environmental activists, local cannibal James Lewis recently decided that he would choose to eat only sustainably fed, humanely raised, vegan humans. “I became a cannibal because the horrors of the meat industry were too much for me to stomach. But after doing my research I found

Entire Campus Thinks It Has Shot With That Cute Girl Who Works At Bert’s

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After a long night of studying for midterms in the UgLi, every single person on campus was reportedly convinced that they “definitely have a shot” with that cute girl who works at Bert’s. Sources confirmed that the girl, who serves coffee to “literally thousands” of students every weeknight, is now being romantically pursued by every

Woman Leaving Wax Loft Acting Like She Wasn’t Just at Wax Loft

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According to witnesses on South University Avenue last Wednesday morning, a woman exited the Wax Loft at approximately 11 a.m. Upon closing the door clearly labeled with an advertisement for full body waxing, the woman looked to her right and her left, faced downward, and quickly waddled down the sidewalk. The woman, demonstrating clear signs

High Freshman Not Sure If Paranoid or Actually Awakened Ancient Evil Biding Time in East Quad

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East Quad ROOM 666—Following one too many rips from his roommate’s bong last Wednesday, freshman Danny Dishman reported feelings of paranoia in East Quad Room 666. “At first it was just the regular stuff, you know? Like I had no idea what to do with my hands. But by the end of it I was

Area Man Not Planning to Mention Great Start-Up Idea in Conversation, But Hey, If It Comes Up

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TOPEKA, KS–Area man Chad Booth announced this week that mentioning his great idea for a startup company during casual conversation with coworkers and acquaintances was literally the last thing on his mind, but if it came up organically, hey, who was he to deprive them of hearing about the future of technology. “I’m not one

Groundbreaking New Study on Question of Nature vs. Nurture Reveals It Little Bit of Both


In a groundbreaking study on the long- standing question of nature vs. nurture, a team of enterprising psychology undergraduates at the University of Michigan have determined that, as a matter of fact, “it is actually a little bit of both.” The study demonstrates conclusively that, when it comes to the contribution of a person’s genes

Student Acting Like Chem Frat Counts as Actual Frat

Sources report that LSA junior Rory Gilhard has continuously been seen talking, tweeting, and bragging about Alpha Chi Sigma, the University of Michigan’s professional chemistry fraternity, as if it’s not just some goddamn nerd club. “Oh man, I still can’t believe I got in,” Gilhard said. “Of course I’m just a pledge, so I guess

iPhone’s Increasingly Thin Profile Setting Unrealistic Standards for Today’s Phones

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The release of the iPhone 6 and the iPhone 6 Plus was met with backlash from numerous eating disorder awareness groups that claim the thinner models set unrealistic standards for other industry phones. “It’s clear that the recent motto for phone products has been, ‘slimmer, slimmer, slimmer’,” says Emma Siegal, an analyst for the National

Unmarried, Childless Aunt Planning to Keep Everyone Guessing About Sexuality

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THE KIDS TABLE, THANKSGIVING—In a recent survey taken by Cousin Bobby, most family members contend that Aunt Cheryl “definitely likes chicks,” while others maintain that she “may actually be straight, but probably not.” “Let’s look at the facts: she owns a Carhartt jacket, her profile picture is a river husky, and her last recorded date

Nation’s 7th Grade Teachers Concede That 5-Paragraph Essay is Dying Medium


After decades of steady decline, the nation’s 7th grade teachers confessed Monday that the five-paragraph essay is a dying medium, predicting the “legacy format” will soon go the way of the stone tablet, becoming all but obsolete. With the rise of newer, progressive alternatives to the five-paragraph format, a growing number of teachers are discontinuing

Roommate Genuinely Puzzled Over Whether It Possible to Do Dishes Sometime


With an expression of genuine bewilderment and confusion, area man Matthew Kerns’ roommate, Joshua Unger, wondered aloud this week whether it was possible—given the laws of physics, chemistry, and human biology—to do the dishes sometime soon. Unger, who studies mechanical engineering, reports that he has always been interested in testing limits. The question of doing

Anecdotes from Alumnus Parent Really Contribute to Campus Tour

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Noting the frequent fuzzy and futile recounts of his time spent at the University of Michigan, fellow parents and prospective students on a recent tour of Central Campus agreed that Alumnus Brian Fischer’s antiquated knowledge of campus happenings was a welcomed addition to their on-campus experience. Throughout the half-hour, .8-mile tour of the campus’ most

Worldly Patron Enjoys Fruitful Late-Night Exchange In Spanish With Pancheros Staff


TOO CLOSE TO CANTINA—LSA sophomore and regular Pancheros patron Evan Lowell spoke proudly Saturday night about what he calls a “real effort” to reach out on a cultural basis to the late shift burrito wrapper at Pancheros. “I see this one guy Chuy around here all the time, and I know he speaks Spanish. Now

Study Finds Death Row Inmates Most Patient People


A new study conducted by Wake Forest University found that inmates waiting on death row are the most patient type of people, according to what is called the Ability to Wait Index. The inmates clocked in at a score of 98.3 on the 100-point scale. Lead researcher Dr. Nancy Lee explained, “To put that in

Nation’s Gangs Lauded for Teaching Valuable Team-Building Skills

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WASHINGTON – Across the nation, the nation’s gangs are rapidly gaining support from the general public for incorporating a more ‘team-oriented’ philosophy into their criminal activities, according to a report released by the Wall Street Journal. “Today’s gangs are really going out of their ways to get every member involved,” said Jordan Collins, who authored

Local Daredevil Orders Spicier Wings Than Usual


BUFFALO WILD WINGS – Crowds gasped at Buffalo Wild Wings yesterday as daredevil Wayne Sheehan ordered medium wings, which is reportedly a far cry from his standard mild selection. Several eyewitnesses reported that a small group of people had gathered around Sheehan when his order was placed, while the waitstaff responded with hushed whispering. Upon

‘It Totally Feels Like a Thursday,’ Remarks Area Coworker

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THE BREAKROOM–Following another riveting discussion of how dang cold it’s been getting lately, Kevin from marketing confirmed this morning that today “totally feels like a Thursday,” which is weird because by all accounts, it’s only Wednesday. “Oh, man how is today only Wednesday? This week is taking forever,” reported the 34-year-old brand manager. Despite several

‘Bad Day’ Singer Releases New Single ‘So I Had a Bad Decade’

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In an attempt to revitalize his floundering career, singer Daniel Powter has announced the release of a new song, “So I Had a Bad Decade,” following his 2005 smash “Bad Day.” Since “Bad Day,” the famed American Idol playoff song and first single to ever sell 2 million digital copies in the United States, Powter

Freshman Basketball Player Excited to ‘Give Michigan His All’ Until Moment He’s Eligible for Draft

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The latest in a long line of Michigan’s temporary basketball stars, freshman Power Forward Carlos Kennedy confirmed his enthusiasm to finally play big time college basketball, then immediately leave as soon as he gets good. “I feel a lot of pride when I put on that Maize and Blue, I promise the fans I’ll go

Dave Brandon: A Farewell to Michigan, Sponsored by Chobani™ Yogurt

Almost five years ago today, I agreed to take on this challenging role. During my time at the University of Michigan, I worked tirelessly to create experiences for our fans, students, staff, alumni, and corporate sponsors that were excellent and exciting, like the great fruit flavors of Chobani Greek Yogurt. However, I am resigning from

Stop! No; Keep Going

by a Semicolon Stop—do you realize what you’re doing? Do you really want to go this far? Sometimes it’s better to stay in the moment, suspended in time and pleasure. But then again,why not bring both of these thoughts to a single, perfect climax? Here we are, with two inflamed independent clauses ready to be

Gaze Upon My Motorized Scooter, Ye Pedestrians, and Despair!

by Tom Sluffman, Moped Owner Hark! What is that which wantonly speeds through the streets, casting terror into your very souls as a blur of colors rushes by and a mighty gust of wind confounds your senses? Why, it is I, on my mighty motorized scooter! “What’s that?!” You mere mortals wonder, as you gaze

The Crowd’s Begging For More, Daniel. Are You Going To Leave Them Disappointed? Of Course Not. Now Post A New Joke To Yik Yak, Daniel. Make Them Laugh. I Command You!

by The Voices Inside Daniel’s Head Daniel. It’s been 24 hours since that Yak really took off. I know you’re still reeling in excitement about your first number one, but it’s time to act. You don’t want to be a one-hit wonder, do you? Your Yakarma is not going to build itself. Post something. Now,

Daily Op-Ed Columnists Announce Plans to Shout Entire Text of Editorial at You

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MASON HALL NEWSPAPER RACKS—With the Daily already replete with hard-hitting news pieces such as “University Housing to Continue Heating Water” and “Mars Rover Is On Mars,” many have voiced concern that the paper may not have enough room to publish its popular and often controversial editorials. These fears were assuaged last week when Daily Editor-In-Chief