New Bed, Bath, & Beyoncé Retail Outlet to Target Pop-Singer Demographic

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DESTINY’S AISLE – Steven H. Temares, CEO of national retailer Bed, Bath, & Beyond, announced earlier this week that he plans to open a sister store named Bed, Bath, & Beyoncé. With this new line of stores, the retailer hopes to target consumers who never shopped at its other outlets, including successful African-American pop divas,

GOP Says Semen-Soaked Tissue Has ‘Right to Live’


THE CRADLE OF LIFE – LSA sophomore Jake Bess ejaculated into a tissue early Wednesday morning, unwittingly setting off a firestorm of controversy that would quickly reach the nation’s capital. “I had just finished my nightly ‘flog of the log’ and was wiping off the ol’ equipment with a tissue,” said Bess. “But before I

Kanye West, Kim Kardashian Attempt to Patent Creation of Zygotes

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In a move that has been called expected, egocentric couple Kanye West and Kim Kardashian have registered a request with the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office to copyright the process of joining two gamete cells through sexual intercourse. “Listen y’all,” said West, “all y’all better cease and desist from engaging in any interpersonal sexual activity

Women Earn Right to Die for Country: Still Waiting on Right to Not Be Treated Like Shit

AMERICA – Women nationwide were thrilled to celebrate a huge victory for equality as the Pentagon lifted its ban barring them from combat, although they still admit that it would be “pretty nice” to eventually be treated like human beings. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m really grateful,” said Navy Pfc. Shauna Winters. “I feel like

Sexual-Intimacy Metaphor to Abandon Baseball Terminology, Embrace Gymnastics

Sources confirmed yesterday that America’s widely-used baseball sex metaphor, which employs terms such as “first base,” “third base,” and “anal base” as euphemisms for levels of sexual contact, will soon be replaced with an elaborate new gymnastics analogy. By judging all performers on a scale from one to 10 and taking into account not only

Student from Upper Peninsula Doesn’t Understand People’s Problem with Snow


ANN ARBOR – Although recent sub-zero temperatures and frigid winds have broken the spirits of students across campus, especially that kid on your floor from California who didn’t know what frostbite was before having his foot amputated last January, Engineering sophomore Abe Augustuske has been seen around campus wearing nothing more than pants and a

Colorful Lights at Children’s Hospital Not Doing Much for Dying Child: ‘I Am Still Going to Die Very Soon,’ Says Child

THE PRECIPICE OF DEATH – Despite the constant, effervescent glow of brilliant blue, green, and turquoise light that emanates from the ceiling of the main lobby of C.S. Mott Children’s Hospital, fifth grader and terminal cancer patient Bobby Hughes, age 10, continues to face almost certain death in the near future. “I think they’re doing

GSI Accidentally Fills CTools Resources Folder with Entire Fifth Season of ‘Entourage’

POLSCI 353 COURSE SITE – Exclusive sources with intimate access to the CTools site for POLSCI 353: American Constitutional Politics confirmed that instead of uploading Thursday’s slides on the Electoral College and party nominations, GSI Greg Carrol instead loaded the class folders with media from his own personal iTunes library, including 4 GB of music

Annoying Friend Has Uncanny Ability to Cling to Group

Engineering freshman Adam Barillas has demonstrated uncanny skill at remaining in his friend group despite the group’s ongoing efforts to oust him. To date, Barillas, who has been described as “clingy,” “attention-seeking,” and “insufferably wracked with abandonment issues” by those who like him best, has managed to make it through at least seven different attempts

Ask a Student Who’s About to Find Out He Got Deferred

Dear Student Who’s About to Find Out He Got Deferred, I’m a freshman now in my second semester at the University and I love it here. I’ve met lots of new friends, but I really want a relationship right now. I met an awesome girl at a party recently, but she goes to school an