Lecture Hall Eavesdropper Totally Understands Lindsay’s Problems

ANGELL AUD. B, MIDDLE LEFT SIDE – According to sources familiar with the situation, LSA freshman Craig Willis has been subjected to such a massive amount of gossip by the girls who sit in front of him in his STATS 250 lecture that, if they would talk to him even just once, he could solve

Pres. Coleman Asks to be Called Great Aunt Cheryl From Now On

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President Mary Sue Coleman announced at a press conference on Wednesday that from now on she should be referred to by students and faculty as Great Aunt Cheryl, or informally, Aunt Cher. “You know, it’s just a change that’s been long overdue,” said Great Aunt Cheryl while sifting through her closet of floral-patterned wool-knit sweaters

Group Project Members Finding that Agreeing on Time, Place to Meet More Difficult than Actual Group Project

LOCATION TO BE DETERMINED – Members of Group B in Professor Thor Bergman’s PSYCH 372 class are finding it extremely difficult to compromise on both a location and a time to convene in order to finish their group project. According to sources, the simple feat of assembling six people in a singular place at a

Timmy Zeller, Inventor of Claw-Hammer Juggling, Dead at Age 7

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Ann Arbor resident Timmy Zeller, who will be most remembered for inventing the sport of claw-hammer juggling in the moments leading up to his untimely demise, passed away this morning from injuries sustained while attempting to throw two metal hammers into the air and subsequently catch them. The prolific inventor was considered something of a

Study: Gargoyle Writers Less Funny Than People Who Don’t Write Jokes At All

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‘Horrible’ Latest Issue Deemed Vast Improvement Writers for the Gargoyle “Humor” Magazine are less funny than virtually all other human beings, according to a study released Thursday by the International Institute of Actual Studies. Researchers used brain-imaging technology along with survey responses to judge the reactions of 1000 individuals to material from the last five

Can We Find Some More Attractive Squirrel-Feeders, Please?

Look guys, I’m not complaining. Love the food. Love it. But is there any way you could recruit a couple of cute human chicks for the Squirrel-Feeding Club? I mean, have you seen the current crop of female squirrels I’m working with? Bunch of fatties. Now, I’m not saying that the current Club roster isn’t

Have a Good Christmas, Grandma, Because Next Year We’re Putting You in a Home

Grandma, I have so many fond memories growing up with you, especially around this time of the year: making snowmen, decorating the tree…heck, you’re the one who taught me how to properly hang a stocking! But there comes a certain point in every person’s life where they need to discard even their most cherished relatives.

You’re Saying That Having Sex with Many Women Makes Him a WORSE General?

No, no, you must have it backwards. It sounded like you were trying to say that military leaders who have sex with a multitude of women are somehow worse at their job because of it. You must mean that David Petraeus got fired because he didn’t have sex with enough women. Oh, it’s the first

Israeli Student Association Stands by IDF Decision to Punch Kitten in the Face

CAMPUS – The president of the Israeli Student Association announced today that the organization would be standing strongly behind the Israel Defense Force’s new military effort, Operation Let’s Punch That Cute Kitten Over There In The Face. The military operation was announced yesterday by IDF spokesperson Brigadier-General Yoav Mordechai, who outlined the IDF’s plans to

LSA Junior Schedules Only M/W Classes; Remains 85 Credits Shy of Graduation

WOLVERINE ACCESS – Even amid the stress and chaos of optional final exams, LSA junior with freshman standing Allie Winkler successfully completed the nerve-racking process of course registration. Though many students report feeling dissatisfied with their courses even after spending countless hours on RateMyProfessor or Schedulizer.com, Winkler boasts a “fucking flawless” schedule. “Mondays and Wednesdays,