Failure to Accept ‘Niece’ Request on Facebook Reignites Family Feud

RICHMOND, Va. — Tensions flared between rival factions of Jenna Halbright’s extended family earlier this week following the alleged denial of Aunt Sarah Watson’s request to list Jenna as her niece on Facebook. “You know, she never really thought of Sarah as much of an aunt anyway,” said Jenna’s mother, Kelly Halbright. “And I don’t

Report: Newborn Son Fucking Mooch

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OLIVIA AVENUE — New mother Ashley Tyson, who recently gave birth to her first child, a 7-pound-9-ounce bundle of joy named Henry, reports that her newborn son is a total goddamn sponge. “I mean, I’ll just be eating some applesauce or something and he’ll literally just sit there and cry until I give him some,”

North Face Jackets Embarrassed by Wearing Same Style of Sorority Girl

OUTSIDE — With the crisp and cool autumn weather here to stay, T-shirts and sundresses have been set aside in favor of warmer, more suitable fall attire. It seems, however, that North Face brand jackets have found themselves in an embarrassing situation, as many of them have been seen “coincidentally” wearing the same kind of

Area Man Deeply Offended by Thing He’s Still Reading

A local man today refused to put down a paper he was reading, even though he found the paper’s content to be a wildly offensive bastardization of what a morally-upright publication ought to be. Practically seething from the article’s gratuitous use of words like “fuck,” “bitch-ass,” and “pussy,” the fucking bitch-ass pussy nonetheless continued reading,

Racial Barrier Re-shattered in Historic Re-election

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Barack Hussein Obama was re-elected the 44th president of the United States on Tuesday, demolishing the last racial barrier in American politics with ease as the nation chose him as its first second black commander-in-chief. Mr. Obama, a first-term president from Hawaii, defeated former Massachusetts Governor Willard Mitt Romney, who was making his second bid

Apple Lauded in Middle East for Wiping Israel Off Maps™

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THE FERTILE CRESCENT — Although many technology critics have complained that Apple’s iPhone Maps application is borderline unusable, the company has garnered praise from some Middle Eastern users for completely omitting the state of Israel from the face of the Earth. “Praise be Allah, Praise be Apple Incorporated!” exclaimed Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, a fervent

National Guard Dispatched to Most Dangerous Place in America: the Town from Murder, She Wrote

CABOT COVE, Maine — In an effort to end a vicious crime wave that has plagued the American northeast for decades, 20,000 reserve troops from the National Guard were deployed this week to Cabot Cove, Maine, the sleepy, nondescript town from CBS’s long-running mystery series Murder, She Wrote. According to entertainment journalists, the crime-ridden community

Cocaine Enters Rehab for Lindsay Lohan Addiction

VENICE BEACH— In a tearful interview with Inside Edition, the substance benzoylmethylecgonine – more commonly known as cocaine – admitted that it is battling an addiction to the actress Lindsay Lohan. Cocaine says that it has been abusing the starlet since they met in Jamie Lee Curtis’ trailer on the set of Freaky Friday in

Loser Dies at Age 90

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George McGovern, who served as a United States senator for 18 years but will always be remembered for losing big time to Richard Nixon in the 1972 presidential election, also lost a battle to continue living on Wednesday. He was 90. Despite accomplishing some other stuff, which future historians will almost certainly ignore, McGovern’s defining

Mars Rover Constantly Distracted by Shiny Objects

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MARS CITY, MARS — To the tune of $2.5 billion being senselessly thrown into an interplanetary trash can, NASA scientists have been furiously banging their heads against a wall all week as the Curiosity rover continues to be distracted by shiny metal objects never before encountered by mankind. “We were looking for rocks and dust