Study: Tech Literacy Elusive Among Ostensibly Intelligent Professors

According to a study published Thursday by the School of Information, an advanced degree in any of a variety of fields does not provide a person with the skills required to operate YouTube, a projector, or other pieces of technology that are generally considered to be both incredibly intuitive and essential to modern education. The

Experimental Section of GRE Entirely in Elvish

PROMETRIC TESTING CENTER – Earlier this week, GRE test-takers were startled to find that the one verbal reasoning section of their examination was written almost completely in Quenya, the fictional Elvish language devised by J. R. R. Tolkien for his famed Lord of the Rings series. “The experimental section isn’t even graded, so why the

Esteemed Hamas Minister of Counter-Counter-Terrorism Killed in Israeli Airstrike

GAZA CITY – Mohammed Kubari, Hamas’s longtime Secretary of Offense, Injustice, and Counter-Counter-Terrorism, was killed in a pinpoint Israeli airstrike on Sunday in violation of last month’s ceasefire. He was 48. Kubari, who was hailed as an esteemed statesman and reviled as a killer of innocents, was the guiding light behind many of Hamas’s most

University Introduces New Fuckability-Based Admissions Policy

fuckability

In response to recent concerns over the legal viability of affirmative action, the University of Michigan has devised a new admissions policy based entirely on the applicant’s demonstrated record of fuckability. “The University of Michigan Office of Admissions has always strived to field a diverse, intelligent, and highly-fuckable freshman class,” said Ted Spencer, the Executive

Israel-Palestine Conflict Solved on Yahoo! Answers

According to foreign-policy experts, the Obama administration, and NicklebackSux666, a Yahoo! Answers user has discovered a clear and definitive solution to the ongoing conflict between Israelis and Palestinians which began in the early 2nd millennium B.C.E. The user, who goes by the handle JuicyGirl1992, presented her exhaustive policy solution in response to a recent post:

Miami Marlins Trade City of Miami to Blue Jays

MIAMI, Ontario – According to unconfirmed reports from ESPN’s Buster Olney, the team formerly known as the Miami Marlins has traded Miami to the Toronto Blue Jays. In exchange, the Marlins will receive infielder Adeiny Hechavarria and a municipality to be named later, league sources say, pending the approval of the Commissioner. The controversial deal

Report: Nothing Sadder Than the Tiny, Obligatory Hanukkah Aisle in the Middle of Meijer

hanukkah meijer

HOWELL, Mich. – Sources have confirmed that there is nothing more depressing than the 3’-by-2’ mini-aisle dedicated to the Jewish Festival of Lights nestled between row after row of Christmas items in Meijer store #1107. The display, which boasts two menorahs, a yarmulke, a Rodney Dangerfield comedy album, and a plethora of “Happy Bar Mitzvah!”

Pretentious 5-Year-Old Looking Forward to Kindergarten’s ‘Networking Opportunities’

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P.S. 513 – Local preschooler Ronnie Maddow is incredibly excited to begin kindergarten and start networking with his peers, say sources within the principal’s office. “I recognize that I’m at that point in my pre-professional life where I should begin getting my name out there and discussing my prospects with like-minded individuals,” Maddow said, adding,

Vancouver City Officials Report Unusual Lack of Riots this Hockey Season

vancouver

VANCOUVER — Vancouver Police Chief Gary Anderson remarked during a press conference this week that the incidence of disgruntled pitchfork-wielding citizens taking to the streets is markedly decreased this winter, in comparison to the last few years. Anderson proposed many possible explanations for this change, such as the presence of more uniformed officers on the

600 Million Indians Left Without Power in Wake of Hurricane Sandy

NEW JERSEY THEN NEW DELHI SOMEHOW — Hurricane Sandy, the monstrous “frankenstorm” that terrorized the East Coast last week killing scores, is responsible for rolling blackouts affecting nearly half of India’s population of 1.2 billion, say government officials. The outages started last Monday, as Hurricane Sandy was bearing down on New York City.  As the