Braxton Miller Displays New Affinity for Girls with Poor Driving Skills, Leukemia

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COLUMBUS, Ohio – According to sources inside the huddle, 2013 Ohio State Heisman hopeful Braxton Miller has recently been seen at local bars approaching girls with pasty skin and short-to-no hair. Miller’s teammates report that this new behavior does not surprise them, as it is merely further evidence of the star quarterback’s “undying selflessness and

Why Snapchat® is God’s Chosen Way to Touch Our Youth

For too many years, the Holy See has struggled to truly connect with the youth of the world. Verily, though, by the grace of God, His Holiness and a team of Godless app developers in California have delivered unto us a wondrous creation, a magical wonder that allows the Catholic Church to touch the young

2012 ‘Academy Awards’ Frontrunner for 2013 Academy Awards Awards

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HOLLYWOOD – Excitement is building in Tinseltown as leading figures in the awards industry prepare to present the Academy Awards Awards, honoring the finest in award shows all around the globe. Daytime Emmy, the 2005 recipient of the Best Awards Show in a Supporting Role Award, is slated to host. Speculation as to what will

Student Speed Dating ‘Just For Fun’ Definitely Not Looking for Soulmate

Friends and family members of LSA junior Malcolm Astin are growing concerned over his increasingly hopeful attitude towards a University-sponsored speed-dating event, which he is futilely attempting to disguise with generous amounts of sarcasm. “I just don’t get what the big deal is. I saw the flyer and thought it would be good for a

Reading Sent Email Proves Absolutely Horrifying Experience for Area Student

HONORS COMMONS – Sources confirmed Wednesday that LSA sophomore Jacob Turner’s recent experience of reading a sent email proved to be one of the greatest emotional traumas of his incredibly sheltered lifetime. The email was sent by Turner to his philosophy professor, Dr. Jeffrey Lewis, late on Tuesday night. When Turner pulled it up by

Local Entrepreneur Just Some Guy with Shitty Ideas

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MPOWERED MEETING – Sources close to Ross School of Business junior Vik Patel, a self-described “entrepreneur” and “do-it-yourself businessman,” reported Monday that he is, in fact, just another guy with some really shitty business ideas. In an exclusive interview, Patel explained that he is a “free thinker” who has a number of ideas for start-up

Dining Hall Employee Fucking Thrilled to Serve You

HILL DINING CENTER – Sources confirmed recently that part-time dining hall employee LSA junior Shawn Kramer is “100 percent head-over-heels absolutely overjoyed to serve you this fine evening.” Kramer, a molecular biology major with a minor in Spanish, reportedly experiences “an unmitigated surge of pure fucking bliss” upon seeing you approach his station at the

Neighbor Thought to Be Having Awesome Sex Actually Just into Loud Porn

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6TH FLOOR, SOUTH QUAD – Sophomore Ted Layden came to the startling realization last afternoon that his neighbor may not be having mind-blowing sex 24 hours a day, but rather probably just doesn’t own a pair of headphones. “I think I grew kind of suspicious when I heard a woman screaming ‘Fuck me Carlos and

South Quad RAs Declare Sparsely-Attended Social Justice Dance Party ‘Total Blast’

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90% EMPTY ROOM – As a prelude to February’s annual celebration of African-American history and culture, the University of Michigan Division of Student Affairs held its inaugural, ill-attended Social Justice-Themed Dance Party in the Michigan League last Monday in memory of the Reverend Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Sources from inside the event reported that

Ray Lewis Announces Retirement, Vows Never to Murder Another Human Being Again

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BALTIMORE – Ray Lewis, the All-American cold-blooded killer who was named to 11 Pro Death teams over the course of an illustrious career, announced his retirement at a press conference on Tuesday. Lewis retires in possession of the individual records for Body-Sacks Filled, Forced Fatalities, Expirations, and YAC (Yelps of pain After Contact with knife).