You’re Saying That Having Sex with Many Women Makes Him a WORSE General?

No, no, you must have it backwards. It sounded like you were trying to say that military leaders who have sex with a multitude of women are somehow worse at their job because of it. You must mean that David Petraeus got fired because he didn’t have sex with enough women. Oh, it’s the first

Israeli Student Association Stands by IDF Decision to Punch Kitten in the Face

CAMPUS – The president of the Israeli Student Association announced today that the organization would be standing strongly behind the Israel Defense Force’s new military effort, Operation Let’s Punch That Cute Kitten Over There In The Face. The military operation was announced yesterday by IDF spokesperson Brigadier-General Yoav Mordechai, who outlined the IDF’s plans to

LSA Junior Schedules Only M/W Classes; Remains 85 Credits Shy of Graduation

WOLVERINE ACCESS – Even amid the stress and chaos of optional final exams, LSA junior with freshman standing Allie Winkler successfully completed the nerve-racking process of course registration. Though many students report feeling dissatisfied with their courses even after spending countless hours on RateMyProfessor or Schedulizer.com, Winkler boasts a “fucking flawless” schedule. “Mondays and Wednesdays,

High-Stakes Game of Gay Chicken Results in Passionate Sex

gay chicken

ANN ARBOR – According to witnesses at the scene, LSA sophomores Chaz Stevens and Trent Pennington were playing FIFA 13 for Xbox 360 in their house when their knees gently brushed against each other, sparking an especially fierce game of gay chicken. Upon realizing his leg had been lightly grazed, Stevens shouted, “What the fuck

Hamas Now Recruiting Aerospace Engineering Interns

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NORTH CAMPUS – Hamas, recently named one of Palestine’s “top 100 organizations to blow yourself up for,” visited last week’s North Campus career fair citing a newfound need for “talented, ambitious, living aerospace engineers.” Hamas’s booth was quite popular at the career fair, with undergraduate engineers waiting over an hour to interview for the highly-competitive

Office of Student Disabilities to Begin Requiring Actual Disability for Extra Time on Finals

MASON HALL – Under pressure from the University administration, the Office of Student Disabilities has decided to alter the disability qualifications for receiving extra time on exams, as students seeking this extra time will now be required to actually have a disability. OSD director Rick Knapp, expressed his opposition to the policy change last Tuesday.

Landmark Residents Complain About Working-Class Smell Emanating from 7-Eleven

landmark 7-eleven

SOUTH U. – Adding to Landmark residents’ list of complaints about their promised aristocratic sanctuary amid a sea of riffraff, the addition of a 7-Eleven convenience store to the lobby of the high-rise apartment complex has reportedly polluted the building with the unpleasant odor of lower classes. “I was so excited when I first heard

Study: Tech Literacy Elusive Among Ostensibly Intelligent Professors

According to a study published Thursday by the School of Information, an advanced degree in any of a variety of fields does not provide a person with the skills required to operate YouTube, a projector, or other pieces of technology that are generally considered to be both incredibly intuitive and essential to modern education. The

Experimental Section of GRE Entirely in Elvish

PROMETRIC TESTING CENTER – Earlier this week, GRE test-takers were startled to find that the one verbal reasoning section of their examination was written almost completely in Quenya, the fictional Elvish language devised by J. R. R. Tolkien for his famed Lord of the Rings series. “The experimental section isn’t even graded, so why the

Esteemed Hamas Minister of Counter-Counter-Terrorism Killed in Israeli Airstrike

GAZA CITY – Mohammed Kubari, Hamas’s longtime Secretary of Offense, Injustice, and Counter-Counter-Terrorism, was killed in a pinpoint Israeli airstrike on Sunday in violation of last month’s ceasefire. He was 48. Kubari, who was hailed as an esteemed statesman and reviled as a killer of innocents, was the guiding light behind many of Hamas’s most