Child Convinced He Can Do Anything He Sets His Mind To

Citing what is believed to be caused by an average child upbringing, nine-year-old Will Tuchman confirmed that he actually thinks “[his] only limit is [his] imagination.” “I thought he was just going through a phase,” said his distressed mother, Mary. “But when Will came home from school last Tuesday going on about his plans to

New Self-Checkout Machines to Feature Realistically Annoying Small Talk

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In an effort to preserve the tedious and frustrating nature of a traditional checkout line, retailers across the nation have adopted new self- checkout machines equipped with multiple banal and often unnecessary small talk sequences such as, “Did you find everything alright?” “Call me old-fashioned, when I go into a supermarket, I expect a certain

‘No Phones In Class’ Says Big Huge Dummy

Citing the scarcity of class time and the potential distraction of mobile devices, sources confirmed last Wednesday that an AMCULT 350 class was requested to keep phones silenced and tucked away during instruction time—a request that was largely ignored because it was made by a big, dumb, stupid doofus. “He told us he wanted the

Race & Ethnicity Requirement Really Broadening LSA Junior’s Horizons Of Cultural Appropriation

Explaining that her ability to thoughtlessly pilfer elements from other cultures has been “deeply enriched” by her enrollment in AAS 271: Intro to Afro-American Literature, sources close to 20-year-old Amy Meyer reported Thursday that the LSA junior’s horizons of cultural appropriation have been broadened considerably by her fulfillment of the Race & Ethnicity requirement. “Before

Cool Dads Laud Brillig Dry Bar As ‘Neat Hangout’ For Kids Who Can’t Handle Their Shit

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Since its inauguration in January of this year, Ann Arbor’s Brillig Dry Bar has garnered high praise from the cool dad community as a ‘neat’ spot to grab a pop on a Saturday night for kids who otherwise can’t seem to handle their shit. The semi-weekly pop-up bar, which serves exclusively alcohol-free drinks, is being hailed by the University’s cool dad community as a

Weird Student Reads ‘Michigan Daily’ Even Though Friend Not in It This Time

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In an act unsurprising to her friends and acquaintances, eccentric junior Heather Sievers was seen casually reading an issue of the Michigan Daily last Tuesday, despite not personally knowing anybody mentioned in any of the articles or features. “I spotted Heather reading the Daily in the UgLi and went over to say hi,” friend Julia

Ambitious OSCR Rep Resolves ‘Career-Making’ Student Conflict

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Saying the victory was sure to launch her career in student conflict mediation to “soaring” new heights, sources confirmed Thursday that Office of Student Conflict Resolution (OSCR) representative Kayla Green, 29, successfully resolved a high-stakes, “undeniably” career-making student conflict. “Kayla really knocked this landmark conflict out of the park,” said Mark Choi, a colleague of

‘u up?’ Texts Man Abby Will Someday, Sadly, Marry

THE INTERSECTION OF TRUE LOVE AND FIVE SHOTS OF TEQUILA—Sophomore Abby Hamilton reportedly received a text message Tuesday, reading, “u up?” from the man whose proposal she will, unfortunately, accept in three years’ time. The text, sent at exactly 2:12 AM, was considered by many analysts as a rather unceremonious first step toward domestic bliss

Student With Zero Marketable Skills Lobbies for Abolition of LSA Language Requirement

Sources confirmed Thursday that Alex Faulkner, an LSA junior who has by all accounts failed to acquire a single marketable skill in his time at the University, was overheard advocating for the abolition of the college’s language requirement. Faulkner, who is reportedly unable to claim even a basic command of a hard, employable skill, spreadsheets

Study: Education Major Now More Marketable Than Ever, Dad

Citing lower unemployment rates and increased pay, several studies have indicated that the education field has expanded in the past few years, making teaching now more profitable than ever—OK Dad? Finance expert Charles Eckert—who, listen to this Dad, graduated cum laude from USC so he probably knows what he’s talking about—said he attributes the widening

Chelsea Just Going To Assume That The Same Guy Who Asked Her To Watch His Stuff

CHELSEA’S PERIPHERY—After glancing over from her laptop every couple minutes, LSA junior Chelsea Ward was “pretty sure” that the blur in the side of her eye sitting down at table beside her was the same guy who asked her to watch his stuff ten minutes beforehand. “I told somebody ‘sure’ when he asked me to

Christian Frat Enjoys Wild Night Out At Pinball Pete’s

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Amid numerous reports of raucous behavior and rough-housing on South University last weekend, reports surfaced that the brothers of Christian fraternity Phi Alpha Kappa had spent an unusually late evening out at Pinball Pete’s arcade on Saturday. The brothers, known for their philanthropic efforts through the church instead of late-night debauchery, were seen carousing about

Late Ernie Banks Reminds Cubs Fans of Own Inevitable Death Before Team Wins World Series


CHICAGO, IL— Chicago Cubs fans were reportedly devastated by the news that longtime fan favorite and eternal optimist Ernie Banks had died over the weekend, reminding them not only of their own mortality, but also of the fact that they will most certainly die before ever seeing their beloved team win the World Series. “I

Weekend Fraternity Bender Causes $50,000 in Damages to Winter Pledges’ Trust Funds

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Gaylord, MI—Sources confirmed Wednesday that a weekend of “utter debauchery” involving a University fraternity has led to more than $50,000 in damages to the entire third floor of the Treetops Resort in northern Michigan, as well as the trust funds of the winter ’15 pledge class. “On behalf of Sigma Alpha Mu brothers around the

Obama Requests Incomplete On Middle East Assignment

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WASHINGTON D.C. – Only weeks away from the beginning of his last two years in office, United States President Barack Obama announced in a press conference Tuesday morning that he had decided to ask for an “incomplete” mark on that Middle-East project he had begun in 2009. “Look, I’ve done my best, and that’s what

‘Entourage’ Film to Explore Themes of Male Camaraderie, Pussy

Fans of the successful HBO series Entourage delighted recently as the first trailer for the upcoming film was released, giving audiences a teaser of what to expect. Continuing the rich subjects explored on television, the movie will examine the timeless themes of lifelong friendship and gratuitous, full frontal nudity. Critics and fans alike had much

Imagined Conversation in Man’s Head Takes Turn for Worse

EL PASO, TX – Sources confirmed Friday that what started out as a simple rehearsing of a potential conversation with a coworker, which was taking place entirely in the mind of AT&T sales associate Joss Goddard, soon became “very realistic, very fast.” “It started out smooth,” said Goddard, in reference to his daydream. “I just

American Medical Association Advises Ailing Nation to Try Fucking With Stiff Neck Bit More

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WASHINGTON, D.C.—In an effort to combat neck pain, one of the nation’s most pervasive work-related ailments, officials at the American Medical Association advised the nation’s more than 32 million sufferers this Thursday to try “fucking with it a bit more” and “see whether that helps at all.” “The standard approach to neck fatigue calls for

Supporting Character in Horror Flick Has Bright Idea for Group to Split Up, Cover More Ground

As a group of five life-long friends slowly crept through a decrepit and isolated cabin, sources confirmed Thursday, Ashley Prescott, a relatively minor character, acquired a sudden urge for them to “just all split up” and venture off in entirely different directions. “We should split up,” the blondest and most attractive member of the group

White House Normalizes Relations With Cuba After Running Out of Plantain Chips

According to sources out of the West Wing kitchen, President Obama felt it would be more feasible to lift the embargo on Cuban products than to try maneuvering D.C. traffic in order to buy more of his favorite plantain chips at the store. The overhaul of the decades long policy toward Cuba represents the stamping

Skrillex Admits to Playing World of Warcraft on Laptop During Shows


Famous electronic dance music producer Skrillex admitted Sunday to playing online game World of Warcraft while on stage performing his dubstep music. “It all started when my guild was doing a raid on the Temple of Ahn’Qiraj on the same night as my Lollapalooza headliner performance,” said Skrillex. “I didn’t want to let my friends

FDA Lifts Ban on Blood Donations from ‘Barely Gay’ Males

Giving Blood

Following pressure from civil rights groups around the nation, the FDA recently announced that they will begin allowing limited blood donations from sexually active, gay men, so long as the prospective donors are not “like, super gay.” FDA Deputy Commissioner Michael R. Taylor explained, “The FDA is committed to promoting equality, and with many objective

CIA Vows to Consider New, Less Fucked-Up Ways of Getting Rocks Off

LANGLEY, VA – Following a national controversy regarding the CIA’s use of torture on hundreds of federal detainees, the Agency announced yesterday that it would begin looking into a number of less harmful ways to satisfy its penchant for drugs, violence and notoriously perverse sexual fetishes. “The nation has spoken, and we’ve heard them loud

Doctor Impressed Patient Did Own Research Beforehand

Doctor like whattt

TOPEKA, KANSAS—General practitioner Kenneth Overton is reportedly impressed that one of his patients, 28 year old Mark Grisham, did a bit of research on his own before his annual physical. “Most of my patients just stumble in here blindly, totally lost without my authority as a doctor to guide them,” said Overton. “But not Mark.

Orphan Wistfully Contemplating What Stepparents Would Have Been Like

Citing a profound yearning for the tenuous love and strained affection that only stepparents can provide, 10-year-old Danny Hartis, who was orphaned by a car crash at the age of three, says he often wonders what it would have been like to grow up in a “normal” family with his real stepmom and stepdad. “Vacations,

Obama to Enhance College Affordability via Expansion of Pell Grants, Purchase of Two Cokes

In his recent address to the nation, President Obama announced his intent to make college more affordable via a three-part plan that increases funding for the Federal Pell Grant Program, ties financial aid to a college’s value, and cuts tuition in half via the purchase of two Coke cans at regular menu price. “Of course,

US Constitution Replaced With 400 Million-Person Google Doc

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Citing an urgent need for more transparency in government and a desire for immediate, citizen- directed change, the Obama administration has announced that the “stifled and antiquated” legislative constitutional amendment process will be replaced with a Google Docs-based “Collabstitution” for which every US citizen will have editing privileges. This measure, which represents the first major

Area Mom Giving Dad Divorce Eyes from Across Table Again

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Citing her cold, penetrating stare and distant, joyless demeanor, neighborhood sources confirmed Tuesday that area mother Julia Fearon, 45, once again spent the better part of a family dinner treating her husband to the obvious look of contempt known colloquially as ‘divorce eyes.’ “It’s a hard look to miss,” said Tommy Fearon, age 10. “Whenever

Confused Terrorists Surprised to Find Themselves in Buddhist Hell

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THE LOWEST RING OF HELL– Two terrorists, Zaid Salim and Ibrahim Haddad, were surprised to find themselves stranded in the tundra of an unfathomably cold cave of Buddhist hell, moments after they fastened bombs to their chests and ran into a crowd of people. “Where are we?” Salim muttered through his incessantly chattering teeth. “This

Living Room Coffee Table Nowhere Near As Messy As It Could Be, Claims Laid-Back Housemate

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SOMEWHERE ON GREENWOOD—Consensus slob and excuse-making housemate Taylor Socha asserted early last week that, despite an apparent mess of old food and wrappers, the coffee table in question was in no way suffering from serious overcrowding. “It’s like the coffee table is an extension of his room,” said fellow housemate Sarah McGown. “A ketchup-glooped, plate-stacked,