Despite Daniel’s Offer to Swipe, Freshman Girl Unimpressed by Dining Hall Date

Daniel Mendel, a freshman in Markley, describes himself as a romantic who knows a special girl when he finds one. The most recent apple-of-his-eye is Julia Jennings, another Markely freshman. “Julia is super cool. She’s just so real, and I love a girl that is really smart,” Mendel explained. “Plus she lets me make out

Man Acts Like a Jerk to Hide Insecurities, Captives in Basement

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CLEVELAND (WHERE ELSE?)—Cleveland resident Jerome Cannon is coming to terms with the fact that his notoriously cruel relationship behavior is an effort to hide the deep-set insecurities he holds, as well as the family of four he has bound and gagged in his basement. “It’s a frustrating cycle. Things will be going great, but as

Nation Reflects on Sochi Highlights, Bob Costas’ Pinkeye

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With the Closing Ceremonies of the twelfth Winter Games approaching this weekend, the 2014 Sochi Olympic games will close just as all have before them have—leaving the world a bit more hopeful and inspired. Sochi was unique, however, being the first Winter Olympics for Russia and marred by discussions of social justice, a questionable infrastructure,

Fashion-Conscious Black Hole Rips Apart Last Season’s Fabric of Reality

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According to a new report issued by the International Astronomical Union, a trendy black hole has been spotted tearing the outdated fabric of reality into a more modern unknown dimension. “The Steinhardt-Turok model is so 2013,” remarked renowned astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson. “Quarks and leptons may have been in style for a while but now

JK Rowling Reveals Ron and Hermione Are Fictional Characters, None of It Matters

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In an announcement that shocked fans of the worldwide bestselling Harry Potter series, author JK Rowling revealed that Ron and Hermione are not married, but are instead just two of the many fictional characters that Rowling made up and do not exist. “I always thought there was something off about Ron and Hermione’s pairing,” said

Infertility Study Proves Fruitless

A two-year clinical infertility study was cancelled last Thursday after researchers were unable to produce conclusive results. The study officially came to an end when test results came back Thursday morning, says Dr. Anna Weitzman, director of the project. “We were all really invested at that point. I mean, two years, multiple attempts. You could

Diverse IM Broomball Team Realizes They’re ‘Exactly What MLK Had in Mind’

ALONG THE MORAL ARC THAT BENDS TOWARDS JUSTICE—After celebrating a 12-2 victory in IM Broomball, team members of The Extra Funky Polka- Dotted Penguin People realized to their delight that they were, in fact, perfect evidence of a post-racial society. “Wow,” team captain Jacob Preston said at the moment of their epiphany. “Just take a

At Rick’s, Some Drunk Girl’s Life is Just the Worst

Witnesses report that LSA Junior and very drunk girl Kiera Saunders was sobbing outside of Rick’s again. Saunders allegedly stomped up the stairs, dramatically pushed past the bouncer, took off her stilettos and sat on the concrete curb, announcing “I am so fucking done with this” in between breathy sobs and incoherent mumbling. Two of

RA’s Bulletin Board Getting Oddly Personal

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As per usual, West Quad RA Ben Anderson has redecorated his hallway’s bulletin board for the upcoming month. Hallway sources report that his newest creation, however, is more disturbingly personal than usual. The board, which previously contained standard commentary on how residents should be more sensitive to transgendered peoples and hemophiliacs, was redecorated at some

Alternative Spring Break Group to Help Real Spring Breakers Locate Dignity

CANCUN, CABO, PANAMA CITY BEACH, LAS VEGAS, YOU GET THE IDEA—The University’s Alternative Spring Break Program will be featuring a new service option for students looking to have a selfless and rewarding spring break experience. This year, a group of twenty generous young people will head down to Mexico at the end of the month