From the Time Warp: Extinction of Squirrels on Campus Leaves Incredibly Boring People with Nothing to Talk About

Sources confirmed that the last squirrel on the University of Michigan’s campus died today, taking with it a number of hilarious jokes and topics of conversation, according to incredibly boring people. “When I heard the news, I was devastated,” said mind-numbingly dull campus tour guide Michelle Turner. “How else am I going to show how

Sophomore Girls Feel Less Welcome at This Year’s Welcome Week

Across campus, female students of sophomore standing have reported a disturbing downward trend in hospitality when comparing this year’s Welcome Week to last year’s. Said LSA student Liana Janes, “All I know is that when I was a freshman, I was regularly invited upstairs to take shots of the ‘expensive stuff,’ and this year I’m

Former Study Abroad Student Disgusted With Boorish Peers

ON AN ISLAND OF IGNORANCE— Upon returning to campus from her semester abroad in Paris, France, Angela Hunington said she was both “shocked” and “disheartened” by the limited worldly experience of her friends, classmates, and suitors. The newly enlightened student’s academic advisor reported that Hunington dropped her English 340 class after being disappointed by a

Domino’s Pizza Unveils New Meat Lovers’ Salad

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Citing consumer interest in healthier options at dinnertime, Domino’s Pizza has unveiled a new “Meat Lovers’ Salad,” which will be available nationwide next month. “We wanted to make sure our customers could make healthy choices,” said Max Roeske, VP of Marketing at Domino’s. “Pizza is great, but sometimes you just wanna dig into to a

Gynecologist Diagnoses Area Man With Hypochondria

According to sources at the University of Michigan Health System’s Center for Gynecology, local man Terry McDaniel was diagnosed with a severe case of hypochondria last Monday, after an appointment with gynecologist Myra Ellis. “I have never given a diagnosis like this before, but McDaniel’s symptoms were obvious immediately upon entering the examination room,” said

Single Bout of Physical Activity Sustains Area Man’s Self-Esteem for Months

PEAK OF SELF-WORTH—Although the act occurred over 2 months ago, a single session of physical exercise continues to buoy Salt Lake City, Utah man Charlie Devon’s self-esteem. Speaking at a local coffee shop, Devon said, “I know I probably shouldn’t have a third cinna- mon roll this week, but I did go biking for like

Michigan Daily Gets Final Say on Summer Blockbusters

HOLLYWOOD, MI—With the summer movie season over, Hollywood’s major studios have begun to reflect on the hits and misses from the busy blockbuster season, a task that would never be complete without the final say from Ann Arbor’s own The Michigan Daily. Said Warner Brothers’ CEO and Chairman Kevin Tsujihara, “Oh, sure we can get

Sophomore’s Standards for Attraction Lowered for Only Male Professor

Noting his breadth of knowledge in the field and the fact that he is the only stable adult male with whom she interacts on a regular basis, sophomore Molly Minar admitted that despite her new linguistics professor’s total lack of traditional good looks, she finds him, “kinda hot actually.” Despite his male-pattern baldness and notable

Campus Juniors Getting Head Start on This Semester’s Nervous Breakdown

With the fall semester still in its opening weeks, a number of school-savvy upperclassmen are already making preparations for this semester’s stress-induced total loss of control, whose arrival in the coming months is reportedly all but inevitable. From overburdened pre-meds to under- skilled pre-laws, many of these proactive, emotionally volatile students are gearing up for

‘Ice Piston Challenge’ Takes Turn for Worse at Hydrodynamics Lab

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What began as one laboratory assistant’s quirky take on the recent viral activism phenomenon ended in tragedy this Tuesday when Jonathan Walker, ’17, was blasted by the facility’s supercooled fluid cannons at an instantaneous pressure over 80 PSI. Te stunt, which was intended to raise awareness for the neurodegenerative disease ALS, resulted in Walker’s immediate

Town Barely Survives Months-long Onslaught of Festivals

CONFETTI-STREWN WASTELAND – According to recent on-the-ground reports from Portage, Wisconsin, the town’s summer festival season has ended and its residents have miraculously survived to tell the tale. This year, Portage endured an unprecedented nine festivals in addition to other public events, which proved tough for even the most hardened residents. Said resident Paul Winston,

Man With Dead Pet Just Raking In The Facebook Likes

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Following the death of his cat, Jerry, area man and attention whore Steven Rodriguez, has reportedly received over 120 “likes” on a Facebook post regarding the departed feline. “I’ll miss you, little guy,” reads the post, accompanied by a picture of the now-deceased Jerry playing with yarn. The transparent attempt at gaining Facebook likes went

Local Baby Still Unsure if Father Has His Nose

Area two-month-old Aiden Parish remains uncertain as to the whereabouts of his nose after an extensive examination following playtime with his father, Jason Parish, last Friday. Te newborn began to suspect his father might have absconded with an integral part of his face after a lengthy game of “Got Your Nose”. Unconfirmed reports indicate that

Family Held Hostage as Dad Forces Entire Household to Watch All 28 Hours of DVD Special Features

A screening of The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey turned hostile Saturday afternoon when, upon the conclusion of the film, local father Jeff Kelley suggested that his family “check out a few of the deleted scenes.” “As soon as Jeff said he wanted to watch the special features, I knew our regular movie night had gotten

Unarmed White Teen Brutally Slapped on Wrist

GROSSE POINTE—An entire community was outraged on Sunday when unarmed white teenager Samson Walworth was caught smoking marijuana in his local high school parking lot and immediately given a slap on the wrist. “It was horrible. I looked into the officer’s eyes, and I could have sworn he was going to arrest me,” said Walworth following

Here Is How You Make My Grandma’s Famous Meatballs

By: Ryan, Who Doesn’t Understand This Is a Satirical Newspaper The first step to making my Grandma Florence’s famous meatballs is to find a nicely marbled ground chuck. Make sure it’s ground chuck, and not ground beef. There’s a difference and Grandma Florence will be rolling over in her grave if you choose the wrong one!

Nine Lessons You’ll Learn the Hard Way in Bio 171

By The Syllabus 1. Office hours will be held Wednesday and Friday, 3-5pm. If none of those times work for you, email me and we can set up an appointment. 2. iClicker quizzes begin next week. Together, these are worth 10% of your final grade so keep that in mind. 3. Due to the large enrollment in the course, we cannot

Drunk Fan Taken Out of Ball Game, Taken Out of Crowd

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WRIGLEY FIELD—Sources report that Mudville, Illinois native Jim Casey was escorted out of the Cubs game last Thursday afternoon, due to generally drunken belligerence. Stadium officials said that Casey was buying some peanuts and Crackerjack, and was also involved in an altercation with a Tigers fan. Casey was harassing the visiting fan, telling him to

Fantasy Football Pro Unable to Draft Girlfriend

THE MANCAVE—Despite months of painstaking preparation, area fantasy football expert Mike Davidson was unable to pick up a girlfriend in any round of his league’s fantasy draft last week. “I feel like I made some really solid picks this year. I’m hoping to have a really good season,” said Davidson, whose roster now includes superstar

Incoming Freshman Desperately Reviewing Spanish, Michigan Football History

HOME TO THE MOST WINS IN COLLEGE FOOTBALL— Incoming freshman Robbie Rosen was reportedly very excited to move in to his new room in Bursley, but he did admit that he has some worries about beginning his college career in Ann Arbor. However, his concerns about preparing for the rigor of college courses are dwarfed

U-M Ranks #1 in Student to Student Organization Ratio

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Inching out top-spot contenders UCLA and University of Wisconsin-Madison, the University of Michigan now boasts the nation’s smallest ratio of actual students to registered student organizations. According to US News & World Report, the University now maintains an average of only 3 students for every one of its many school-certified clubs, teams, and associations. “For

Redskins Change Name to ‘Federally Screwed Over Pre-Columbian Americans’

WASHINGTON—The NFL franchise formerly known as the Washington Redskins shocked the sports world Monday when they announced plans to change their team name to the “Federally Screwed Over Pre-Columbian Americans”, or, “Columbos” for short. “We screwed up,” admitted Washington NFL franchise owner Dan Snyder, “I always viewed “Redskins” as a term of endearment. I was

Brady Hoke Suddenly Realizes His Career Depends on Hungover Teenagers

THE HOKE HOUSEHOLD—Head Football Coach Brady Hoke, who has recently been rumored to be in danger of losing his job, was reported as being “under the weather” late Friday night. According to sources close to the family, Hoke suffered a severe panic attack due to a sudden realization that his job and legacy depend completely

East Timor President Gives Growing Country ‘The Talk’

Addressing the fledgling nation at a press conference last Friday, East Timor President Taur Matan Ruak decided it was time to give his country “the talk.” “People of the sovereign nation of East Timor,” he said, “I feel it is my duty as a responsible president to help prepare you for some of the changes

ISIS First Terrorist Group with Cool Bond-Villain Acronym

SECRET VOLCANO LAIR, IRAQ—As President Obama has held his resolve to continue air strikes in Iraq targeting the jihadist terrorist organisation ISIS, he has also held his resolve that the acronym ISIS is “just a really, really cool name.” The acronym, which officially stands for “Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant,” has an air

Jews Excited to Finally Be Bad Guys

THE HOLY LAND—Although Israel has drawn headlines for using excessive violence against Palestinian civilians in past weeks, Jews around the world are reportedly not feeling any guilt or shame. Rather, they are generally happy to finally be the perpetrators in a bloody global conflict. “Throughout history, Jews are always the victims,” Jewish man and self-described

Bono Announces Plans to Kiss Every Living Person on the Mouth

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In a publicized announcement last Friday, musician and philanthropist Bono announced that his latest project will be to kiss every living person on the mouth. “I’ve been involved with quite a few charities over the years,” said Bono, “but I haven’t yet done something that truly benefits everybody.” Walter Smithson, a spokesman for Bono, has

Rising Senior Declares that Incoming Class of 2018 Doesn’t Know Shit About Shit

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According to LSA senior Charlie Lynn, who has been a student at the University of Michigan for the past three years, the incoming University freshmen “literally know nothing about anything.” Compared to Lynn, who has amassed over ninety-five credits worth of knowledge at the University, the incoming Class of 2018 has, apparently, “a bunch of

To that Young Man Who Was Reading ‘The Every Three Weekly’ in West Quad that One Time

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By: Peter DeJonge Hey, bud. I’m not sure who you are, where you’re from, or what you do, but I want you to know one thing; I saw you that one time you were reading The Every Three Weekly in the West Quad Cafeteria a couple months ago. And you were laughing! And that was

So, You Thought You Were Out of My Grip, Eh?

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By: Winter Oh… hello there. I couldn’t see you come in through all this snow. I bet you thought you’d seen the last of me after April started. I had you all convinced with the warm weather, but it was nothing more than a clever ruse. That’s right baby, I’m still here, and the games