George Lopez Retires ‘Latino’ Gimmick, Returns With New 3 Minute Special

Famous stand-up comedian George Lopez announced last Tuesday that he is toning down his ‘Hispanic’ image for his anticipated new special airing on HBO. After 25 years of picking apart his Mexican family and culture, Lopez returns this Saturday with all new topics for a hilarious, eye-opening 3 minutes and 20 seconds. “There is so much more to me than my ethnicity. I’m proud of

Atheist Uses Logic, Reason to Congratulate Self, Alienate Others

University of Cambridge student and atheist Justin Tannenbaum has been celebrated for telling absolutely everyone he encounters—regardless of if they want to hear it—that anyone who is not an atheist is a complete fucking idiot. For three years, Tannenbaum has worked tirelessly to structure his coursework, extracurriculars, and free time around an issue he’s extremely passionate about: the fact that God does

Pope Francis Attempts to Inspire Inner-city Youth with Power of Math

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In continuation of his unorthodox charitable acts, Pope Francis has accepted a job in Compton, Los Angeles teaching a group of tough-as-nails kids from the street remedial algebra. While Francis has waged considerable efforts against intolerance, economic injustice, and corruption within his own church, Vatican analysts have suggested that shaping this group of undisciplined students into responsible adults may be Francis’ toughest job

Getting Attacked by Hyenas While Sleeping Least of Somali Man’s Problems

Despite the constant threat of being viciously mauled by wild hyenas while he sleeps, Somali man Dalmar Samatar admitted that when considering the combination of extreme poverty, hunger, disease, oppression, lawlessness, and militant attacks, he has little time to concern himself with the very real threat of wild beasts tearing and gnawing at his vulnerable flesh. “Sure, several people in my village

Sophomore Stops Mid-Workout to Contemplate Own Mortality

Pretending that his shoulders were simply sore from multiple repetitions on the lat-pulldown machine, UM sophomore Kyree Holmes took a brief respite from his shoulders and pecs day workout once he realized he would die one day. “I don’t know, dude, I just suddenly thought like, ‘Why am I here? I have so few precious

Facebook Friends Thrilled to Be Invited to Pizza House Fundraiser

Sources report that Facebook friends of LSA sophomore Jamie Redmond were delighted upon receiving an invitation to a Pizza House fundraiser for her southeast Asian fusion dance team, Michigan Dazzle. LSA junior Kerry Vogel was one of the first to accept Redmond’s invitation. “I haven’t really talked to Jamie since we had class together last

Wendy’s Must be Using New Kind of Plastic in Their Straws, Reports Man Who Notices That Sort of Thing

According to Tampa, Florida resident Ron Davis, who is the type of person that tends to notice insignificant things like this, the local Wendy’s restaurant has begun using a new kind of plastic in their straws. The red stripe is definitely narrower than before,” said Davis, a man who devotes brainpower to this type of

Student Mistakenly Throws Himself in Front of TheRide in Order to Have Tuition Paid

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In a failed effort to achieve free tuition amidst mounting student debt, LSA sophomore Jeremy Levine shattered both his legal argument against the University and his pelvis by jumping in front of TheRide. “Ever since I heard the rumor about getting free tuition after getting hit by a University of Michigan bus, I knew that

Ask a Musher Fighting for First in The Iditarod

Dear Musher Fighting for First in The Iditarod, I’ve started to suspect that my best friend since 3rd grade has developed an eating disorder, and this wouldn’t be the first time. Four years ago I confronted her about her bulimia, and although she admitted it, she didn’t talk to me for a month. I’m afraid

Everyone Knows Crimea Just Likes the Attention: By Georgia

Remember when Russia used military force to seize me in 2008? I sure do. You just sat back and let it happen. It’s just a part of growing up, you said. Leave us alone, the international community is busy, go play with Armenia or Turkey. That’s what you told me, and I sucked it up and dealt with it. But

Let Steve Burke Woo You, Honey: By Steve Burke

Hey, baby. I know it’s only been a couple of days since we first met—since that fateful evening when you walked into the Club Sports Council meeting, representing the Women’s Synchronized Swimming team. You were so full of wonder, so full of life; with an ample bosom and an inquisitive mind. Now, baby, I finally have you and tonight, we shall make

OKCupid Launches “PrettyGoodCupid” for More Discerning Customers

Humor Rainbow, the company behind OKCupid, has announced plans to launch a new “PrettyGoodCupid” site for “more discerning” and “less desperate” singles. This new site will cater to a clientele who find themselves unsatisfied by what OKCupid has to offer. Said COO Damien Bronson of the launch, “We think that this move will bring in

Matthew McConaughey Wins Oscar for Incredibly Convincing Portrayal of Man With IQ over 75

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The 86th annual Academy Awards brought all of Hollywood out earlier this month to celebrate such highly acclaimed films as Gravity, the thrilling tale of people being able to stand looking at Sandra Bullock’s face for 91 consecutive minutes, and 12 Years A Slave (alternately titled White Guilt and Brad Pitt). The “Best Actor” award,

Spotify Knows How Jamie Is Really Taking Her Breakup

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YOUR FACEBOOK NEWSFEED—Friends of Jamie Sweetley believed that she was taking her separation from longtime boyfriend Henry Barton pretty well, until Tuesday when Facebook published Jamie’s recent Spotify sessions. “I was shocked,” says Sweetley’s best friend, Sandra Hendry. “I thought she was doing so well. She was practicing yoga three times a week, got this

New Realistically Proportioned Barbie Doll to Only Feature Outfits for Realistically Attainable Careers

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In an effort to promote healthy self-image among young girls, Mattel has decided to create a new Barbie doll that portrays the average woman by altering not only her unattainable bust-waist-hip ratio, but also her overly ambitious career choices. “We understand that young girls need positive images of normal women who they can look up

Local Woman Embarks on Relationship With Man Who Will Ruin All Other Men Forever

Ann Arbor resident Lisa Shields has recently entered into a relationship with local doctor, Todd Guser, a near-perfect man most notable for setting the dating expectations of Lisa Shields far too high, forever. During the course of their relationship, which began Tuesday and will be over before the end of May, Guser will offer Shields

He Definitely Saw That Spittle Fly Out of Your Mouth, and He Was Disgusted

A team of analysts have confirmed that during the conversation you had with that important man, he did notice how that little spurt of saliva sailed out of your mouth as you talked. Although you both opted to pretend as though you didn’t just eject an off-putting bodily fluid in the middle of your conversation,

Veterinarian of the Month Honored for Euthanizing Unprecedented 94 Dogs

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Rachel Stark, 29, recently received Richmond Animal Care’s award for Vet of the Month, after her stellar performance euthanizing 94 dogs in February. Stark’s boss, Leslie Offerman, offered high praise for Stark’s work. “Not only did she put down dozens upon dozens of dogs, she also did it with a great big smile on her

Report: Time Flies When You’re an LSA Senior Who Doesn’t Have Their Shit Together

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According to a recent study conducted at the ‘U,’ seniors graduating in May no longer have time to “figure it out,” find a job, or avoid the crippling depression characteristic of individuals with a useless degree and no purpose. After days of fundraising and preparation, scientists were able to determine this by collecting a random

Sun Just Not Ready to Come Out Yet

Despite finally reaching inner-peace regarding his sexual orientation, the Sun has so far refused to come out this spring. Those close to him maintain that while society is becoming more tolerant of ‘outed’ individuals, he is still not ready to take such a big leap and come out to everyone. “The Sun wants to come

Students’ Concern Over No Tray Policy Outweighs University’s Racial Tensions

Despite being the focus of a New York Times cover story and the center of minority protests demanding equal representation, the University of Michigan student body has remained most concerned with the cafeterias’ no tray policy. This environmentally friendly move has reportedly garnered even more student action than the Being Black at the University of

Obituary: Girl Frozen to Death Outside Skeeps

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Cecilia Murphy, 19, of Sigma Kappa departed this life on the evening of March 17, 2014 after a brave battle with cold temperatures. She died of complications related to waiting in line outside of Skeeps, as she was tragically under the impression that alcohol blankets were literal barriers capable of withstanding subzero temperatures. God’s new

Postmodern Scholar Convinced that Dildo Represents Phallus

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Megan Adams, an LSA junior majoring in Comparative Literature, is nearly positive that a dildo being sold at the Safe Sex Store is representative of a phallus. “Ever since I took a Gender Studies class last semester my eyes have really been opened to the phallic symbols that permeate our culture,” Adams said. “Sports cars,

Last Person to Lecture Debates Whether to Go Into Middle of Long Row or Just Kill Himself

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Upon entering his Econ 111 lecture Thursday morning, late arrival Chris Young was faced with the difficult choice of whether to squeeze by eight classmates in order to take the last available seat in the middle of an aisle, or go to the bathroom and kill himself. “When I woke up late, I thought, maybe

Sorority Sister Excited to Use Lent as Justification for Eating Disorder

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DEFINITELY NOT THE KITCHEN OF THE KAPPA ALPHA GAMMA SORORITY HOUSE—Katherine Grace Coughlin, a junior in the School of Art and Design and self-described pious Roman Catholic, is extremely dedicated in her observance of Lent. The devout Kappa went beyond her usual abstinence from chocolate, as she has chosen to give up eating entirely as a

Despite Daniel’s Offer to Swipe, Freshman Girl Unimpressed by Dining Hall Date

Daniel Mendel, a freshman in Markley, describes himself as a romantic who knows a special girl when he finds one. The most recent apple-of-his-eye is Julia Jennings, another Markely freshman. “Julia is super cool. She’s just so real, and I love a girl that is really smart,” Mendel explained. “Plus she lets me make out

Man Acts Like a Jerk to Hide Insecurities, Captives in Basement

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CLEVELAND (WHERE ELSE?)—Cleveland resident Jerome Cannon is coming to terms with the fact that his notoriously cruel relationship behavior is an effort to hide the deep-set insecurities he holds, as well as the family of four he has bound and gagged in his basement. “It’s a frustrating cycle. Things will be going great, but as

Nation Reflects on Sochi Highlights, Bob Costas’ Pinkeye

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With the Closing Ceremonies of the twelfth Winter Games approaching this weekend, the 2014 Sochi Olympic games will close just as all have before them have—leaving the world a bit more hopeful and inspired. Sochi was unique, however, being the first Winter Olympics for Russia and marred by discussions of social justice, a questionable infrastructure,