I Told You I Wasn’t Guilty of Extortion Related to the Eastside Sewer-Repair Contract
Let me just start by saying that I know I’m not perfect. I’m not trying to claim that I am. Lord knows I’ve done my fair share of racketeering, bribery, wire fraud, tax fraud, mail fraud, extortion, attempted extortion, conspiracy, and attempted conspiracy. Yes, it’s true: I’ve committed extortion related to a city sewer-lining contract.
I May Be a Sex Addict, but I Still Get More Pussy Than You
Hello everybody. My name is Mark, and I’m a sex addict. For the past eight years, I’ve struggled with the demons of being addicted to sexual intercourse. I’ve lived a life of meaningless, shallow sex and fleeting relationships. And I’ve gotten laid soooooo many more times that you all have. My debilitating addiction has caused
For the Love of God, Just Kill Me
Hey, you there, with the muffin and the MacBook. Yes, you. I need you to do something for me without asking any questions. I need you to kill me. Why, you ask? Let me tell you a little story: When I rolled off the assembly line in South Korea five years ago, I was a
Ayatotally Khameineed the U.S. and Israel to Stop Threatening Our Nuclear Program
We here at the E3W typically don’t accept unsolicited submissions, but we do make an exception for the theocratic heads of state who may or may not have imprisoned two of our writers. We hope you enjoy this short article, which was written by the Grand Ayatollah of the Islamic Republic of Iran and budding
Cat Rescues Firefighter from Ground
CATHERINE ST. – In an act of selfless heroism, Mr. Chin, the adorable 12-pound tabby cat of Fred and Melissa LaGrange, rescued firefighter Thomas Lamont from an area sidewalk on Friday night. Lamont, who had been stuck at ground level for the last 35 years, said he was on the verge of panic until he
Genetically-Modified Apple Totally Harmless, Says Satan
Sources at a local Meijer have confirmed that Satan recently ascended from the depths of hell in order to tempt human beings with irresistible genetically-modified fruit. “Hey, anyone interested in some bright, shiny, totally not-unhealthy fruit with absolutely no negative consequences for human beings whatsoever?” asked Satan while standing in front of the non-organic produce
University Designates 6th Floor of Hatcher Library ‘Coitus Corridor’
In response to complaints from students engaging in lewd sexual acts in the upper-floor rooms of the Hatcher Graduate Library, the University Board of Regents has sought out “manageable solutions” to meet the “high demand” for easily-accessible erotic chambers in campus facilities. “Students have a variety of different needs that we’d like to satisfy whenever
Student Applying for Multiple Externships Still Has No Clue What Externship Is
Ross sophomore Andy Carter recently admitted to friends, family, and everyone he knows besides recruiters for Boston Consulting Group that he has no idea what an externship is or what a position as an extern might entail. Carter has become increasingly worried about his ignorance of corporate summer-work programs ever since he began applying for
Local Idiom Found Dead in the Water
Investigators from the Ann Arbor Police Department are working around the clock and burning the midnight oil to close the case on why a local idiom turned up dead in the water Monday morning. An early-bird, local fisherman Bob Dawson, burst the bubble on the crime after he found himself far up the creek without
Life All Downhill for Fifth-Grade Reading Champ
NOT WHERE SHE EXPECTED TO BE, THAT’S FOR SURE ‒ From her room in the long-abandoned Baits I, total personal failure and LSA sophomore Carly Huffman reported Tuesday morning that her life had never before seemed like “such a complete and utter waste of time.” This realization marks the nadir of quite a fall for
