Makers of ‘P90X’ Exercise Program Release ‘Talking2GirlsX’ Supplement


SANTA MONICA, Calif. – Beachbody LLC, producer of the popular workout videos Power 90 and Power 90 Extreme, has announced that it will release a new video series designed to enhance its customers’ social skills. The program, entitled Talking2GirlsX, will cater to the large number of P90X users whose adherence to a rigorous workout program

Aggressive Student With Clipboard Trying to Make You Feel Bad About Something

FESTIFALL – After what seemed to be an innocent, no-strings-attached offer of a warm, delicious chocolate chip cookie, you are now being aggressively lectured about something and how we are all failing to do anything about it. “Something’s going on out there, something terrible,” you are being reminded as you gaze nervously at large, hastily-scribbled

Flash Mob Ruined by Actual Mob

A BULLET-RIDDEN MADISON SQUARE PARK – ImprovNYC’s impromptu performance of “Thriller” was cut tragically short as the performers were caught in a vicious firefight between the Colombos and the Massinos, two of the city’s original “Five Families” of organized crime. “Well, I thought we were really nailing the tough choreography,” said Michael Orton, the leader

Mesopotamian Tech Firm Unveils Stone Tablet

Tablet enthusiast Moses in a preliminary ad for Fig Inc.'s new product.

THE FERTILE CRESCENT – A dark horse appears to have entered the so-called “Tablet Wars” following Babylonia-based Fig Inc.’s announcement of the Stone Tablet at its annual press conference earlier this week. “In simplicity there is elegance,” said project lead Hammurabi during the product’s launch event. “All this emphasis on megapixels, gigahertz, USB, 4G, and

Struggling Groupon Regrets Offering Groupon Groupon

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CHICAGO – Groupon, the daily-deal website that has seen its share price fall by more than 80% since its November 2011 IPO, recently announced that offering a Groupon on Groupon stock was “probably a mistake.” Said CEO Andrew Mason, “Fact is, after offering a Groupon on just about every business in America, we were running

KFC to Release New Ad Campaign: “We’re Okay with the Gays”


LOUISVILLE – The Kentucky Fried Chicken Corporation rocked the gay-fast-food establishment earlier this week after announcing that the company’s new marketing campaign will focus on courting the country’s burgeoning LGBT population. KFC spokesmen explained that the company, which was founded by notorious Mexican-American War criminal Col. Sanders, is making a sharp break with the past,

Marion Barry Makes Triumphant Return to D.C. Crack Scene


DISTRICT OF COLUMBIA – Years after his tenure as one of Washington D.C.’s most prominent crackheads was ended by several unfortunate incidents involving his election as mayor, Marion Barry has returned to the nation’s capital to once again make a go at crack addiction. “I was in a dark place back then,” said Barry. “The

Stoner Savant Able to Draw Lucky Charms Box From Memory

GREENWOOD ST. – 22-year-old LSA senior Harry Wilkins astonished observers yesterday with his uncanny ability to draw from memory a pretty solid replica of the back of a box of Lucky Charms, a feat made all the more impressive by his having only looked at the box once that day, while pouring his morning cereal.

School of Anti-Social Work to Offer Awkwardly-Mumbled Lecture Series on How to Avoid Your Roommates

An unusually well-attended session of ASW 131: Private Speaking

A LOCKED OFFICE IN A BUILDING OFF-CAMPUS – As the new semester commences, University officials announced the founding of a new Anti-Social Work program, which will provide a counterbalance to the existing School of Social Work. “We here at the University of Michigan recognize that many students do not enjoy the concepts of ‘other people’

Summer Droughts Affect Both Farmers and Local Ladies Man

IOWA CITY, Iowa – In a summer that broke records for high heat and low precipitation, America’s farmers watched in horror as most of their crops wilted and shriveled, just as Rob Cole’s (’13) penis did the same after a summer without any poontang. To date, the self-proclaimed lady-killer has not gotten any action in