Girl Wishes Ex-Boyfriend Would Notice That She’s Ignoring Him

EAST U. – Despite her best efforts at conspicuous nonchalance, L.S.A. junior Leah Fellows failed to garner enough attention from former flame Paul McDermott to make him realize how casually she was ignoring him at a campus house party last Saturday. The pair, who parted almost amicably more than a year prior, have been on

From the Archives–1942: Only Undrafted Male U of M Student Still Isn’t Getting Laid

CAMPUS– As the war continues to escalate and countless young men fight valiantly for their country overseas, University of Michigan junior Francis Cartwright, the only male undergraduate at the institution who has not been drafted into military service, reports having no luck with the plethora of single women on campus. Despite the fact that Cartwright’s

It’s a Wiring Problem” Says Landlord Standing in Front of Burning Rubble

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WHAT USED TO BE 858 EAST U. – After surveying the smoldering heap of what was once an average student house in a popular off-campus neighborhood, Ken Farewell of Fare-Great Management surmised, “It’s just a minor wiring issue. I’ll write up a work-order. Should be no big deal.” The tenants of the house awoke in

“Lapdance Marathon” Donates to Mott’s Entirely in Singles

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DIMLY LIT INDOOR TRACK – Setting the stage for an epic charity showdown with Dance Marathon, this year’s Lapdance Marathon at the University of Michigan raised $250,000 almost entirely in dollar bills for Mott’s Children’s Hospital. For 30 consecutive hours, over 1000 strippers – a mix of students, amateurs, and professionals – popped, locked, dropped,

Quiz Bowl Champion Can’t Quite Memorize How to Make Eye Contact

BAITS I – University quiz bowl captain James Striegel, who recently sparked his team’s championship run by correctly identifying the year of George Anson’s commission to First Lord of the British Admiralty, is dedicating the offseason to memorizing several fundamental elements of human interaction, including, but not limited to, eye contact, handshaking, and small talk.

University to Offer Witch-Doctor Track for Students Interesting in Pre-Medicine

THE SWAMPY WOODS BEHIND THE MEDICAL CAMPUS – U. administrators announced earlier this week that they will begin teaching classes on shamanism and faith-healing starting next academic year. This new undergraduate sequence, to be labeled “Pre-Pre-Med”, will be considered a preparatory track for the U.’s newly-established graduate program on the latest advances in pre-medicine. “Here

Et Al Celebrates Publication of Four-Millionth Article

JSTOR – With the release of the Journal of American Chemistry Society’s April issue, preeminent scholar Et Al has now penned over four million original academic works. His most recent piece, “Structure of Triplex D.N.A. in the Gas Phase,” was also coauthored by Annalisa Arcella and Guillem Portella, and is one of several hundred articles

“We Need to Revitalize Detroit” Says Student Taking Job in New York City

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NOT IN DETROIT – In recent weeks, LSA senior Trevor Banks has repeatedly brought up with his friends the importance of “revitalizing” the city of Detroit, even though the Math and Econ double-major has already accepted a job with Morgan Stanley in New York City. Just a few weeks away from never again returning to

C-SPAN to Begin Killing Off Characters in Bid to Boost Ratings

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CHANNEL 2 – Faced with debilitating budget cuts and dwindling viewership, the writers behind the television show C-SPAN have been forced to take drastic measures to ensure that the series remains on air. “We’ve tried everything to boost the ratings,” said C-SPAN writer Jake Cohen. “Increasingly scandalous plotlines, a musical episode, and even guest stars.

Freshman Dorms to be Powered by Sexual Tension

CAMPUS (ESPECIALLY MARKLEY) – As part of the University’s growing movement to make this campus as environmentally-friendly as possible, U. officials have announced a daring project to fuel all underclass dorms with the electrically-carnal atmosphere that fills the buildings each and every semester. “Our studies have shown that Michigan’s freshmen produce over 1,000,000 kilowatt-hours of