Fashion-Conscious Black Hole Rips Apart Last Season’s Fabric of Reality

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According to a new report issued by the International Astronomical Union, a trendy black hole has been spotted tearing the outdated fabric of reality into a more modern unknown dimension. “The Steinhardt-Turok model is so 2013,” remarked renowned astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson. “Quarks and leptons may have been in style for a while but now

JK Rowling Reveals Ron and Hermione Are Fictional Characters, None of It Matters

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In an announcement that shocked fans of the worldwide bestselling Harry Potter series, author JK Rowling revealed that Ron and Hermione are not married, but are instead just two of the many fictional characters that Rowling made up and do not exist. “I always thought there was something off about Ron and Hermione’s pairing,” said

Infertility Study Proves Fruitless

A two-year clinical infertility study was cancelled last Thursday after researchers were unable to produce conclusive results. The study officially came to an end when test results came back Thursday morning, says Dr. Anna Weitzman, director of the project. “We were all really invested at that point. I mean, two years, multiple attempts. You could

Diverse IM Broomball Team Realizes They’re ‘Exactly What MLK Had in Mind’

ALONG THE MORAL ARC THAT BENDS TOWARDS JUSTICE—After celebrating a 12-2 victory in IM Broomball, team members of The Extra Funky Polka- Dotted Penguin People realized to their delight that they were, in fact, perfect evidence of a post-racial society. “Wow,” team captain Jacob Preston said at the moment of their epiphany. “Just take a

At Rick’s, Some Drunk Girl’s Life is Just the Worst

Witnesses report that LSA Junior and very drunk girl Kiera Saunders was sobbing outside of Rick’s again. Saunders allegedly stomped up the stairs, dramatically pushed past the bouncer, took off her stilettos and sat on the concrete curb, announcing “I am so fucking done with this” in between breathy sobs and incoherent mumbling. Two of

RA’s Bulletin Board Getting Oddly Personal

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As per usual, West Quad RA Ben Anderson has redecorated his hallway’s bulletin board for the upcoming month. Hallway sources report that his newest creation, however, is more disturbingly personal than usual. The board, which previously contained standard commentary on how residents should be more sensitive to transgendered peoples and hemophiliacs, was redecorated at some

Alternative Spring Break Group to Help Real Spring Breakers Locate Dignity

CANCUN, CABO, PANAMA CITY BEACH, LAS VEGAS, YOU GET THE IDEA—The University’s Alternative Spring Break Program will be featuring a new service option for students looking to have a selfless and rewarding spring break experience. This year, a group of twenty generous young people will head down to Mexico at the end of the month

Scientific Community Admits Atoms Completely Made Up

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At a recent Geneva press conference of the world’s top scientists, it was revealed that atoms, the microscopic particles that for years have been known to be the building blocks of life itself, are totally made up, with no basis in reality whatsoever. In front of a panel of experts and a live television audience,

Ask a Couple Showering Together With Soap in Their Eyes

Dear Couple Showering Together With Soap in Their Eyes, I am a junior this year and I have to decide if I am going to apply for grad school. I always planned on getting my Master’s degree, but as the application deadline grows closer and closer, I am worried about how much it is going

You’re Seriously Going to Turn In That Piece of Shit? By Your Laptop at Four in the Morning

Okay, seriously? You really need to stop this. Take a look at yourself in the mirror. What do you see? I’ll tell you what I see. I see the zombie-like gaze of someone who has spent the entire night churning out a half-assed essay for the third time this week. To call it half-assed is

You Know What They Say About a Guy With Big Feet… By Bigfoot

I’m the stuff of legends. Of fantasies, if you will. And I’m here to tell you that it’s all true. They call me Bigfoot, they call me Sasquatch, hell, my Wikipedia page even calls me a Bipedal Humanoid. But listen to me: I. Am. All. Man. I’m sure you’ve seen the pictures. I’m burly. I’m

Man With Nine Tattoos Tells Casual Girlfriend He Just Isn’t Ready for a Commitment

In a move that disappointed his girlfriend, Emily Trainor, area man James Birmingham announced Friday that despite having nine tattoos and several piercings covering his 23 year old body, he is not ready to commit to a serious relationship. “I really didn’t expect her to react this way,” said Birmingham while scratching his leg that

Dry Cleaner Unsure How to Handle Ku Klux Klan Robes

Further Down South Than He Thought— Dry cleaner owner Wes Oliver was shocked Saturday to receive a patron’s Ku Klux Klan robes to press and finish. Expecting the order to be only suits and blazers, likely in anticipation for Sunday’s local church service, Oliver was surprised to find Klan robes among the multitude of Vineyard

eHarmony and Ancestry.com Merge Into Incestry.com

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In a surprise move Monday, popular dating website eHarmony.com and successful genealogy website Ancestry.com announced their decision to merge into the revolutionary new service, Incestry.com. The public, which has long had the hots for its young aunt, responded to the arrangement very positively. By finding previously unknown branches in family trees, the dating prospects for awkward

Directionally Challenged Teenager Having a Hard Time Getting Out of This Town

Local teenager Jeremy Stumph reportedly “hates his life” and “can’t wait to get out of here,” yet is facing complications in his plan to escape the horrors of his mundane suburban life and run away to Chicago stemming from his innate lack of directional understanding. When asked to comment on his attempts to escape, Stumph

Virgin Margarita Loses It to José Cuervo in Latest Post on Area Woman’s Erotic Food Blog

Following a blog post detailing the sexy goings-on of a recent “orgy of greens, vegetables, and nuts drenched in a glistening vinaigrette,” area woman Kerri Moreno’s most recent post beautifully crystallizes the moment that a stream of tequila penetrated the surface of her previously virginal margarita. “I’ve been blogging my experiences with food erotica for

Vice President Biden Excited to Show Obama New Macaroni Necklace He Made

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WEST WING ARTS & CRAFTS ROOM—Vice President Joe Biden was thrilled to show President Barack Obama the necklace he made of macaroni noodles after a global initiative meeting last Thursday. Insiders say that President Obama was delighted with the presentation, as were the Danish ambassadors in attendance. “We truly enjoyed the Vice President’s showmanship,” stated

‘I Respect Women,’ Declares Area Man, as if This Concept Somehow Radical

At a recent company party, area man Simon Strickland was overheard announcing, loudly and repeatedly, his respect for half of the world’s population. “Yeah, it’s pretty weird,” said Beth Chapman, one of Strickland’s coworkers. “It’s like he never considered that that’s a thing. You know, respecting human beings.” Strickland’s female coworkers were reportedlymore frequently sought-out

Doctor Explains to Frat Star that the Deterioration of His Liver is Not ‘So Frat’

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Doctor Tim Stanley, who has found great success in his fifteen-year career with the University of Michigan Health System believes he may have taken on his “most difficult case yet.” Only moments after learning his liver had serious damage due to alcohol consumption, Stanley’s patient Phil Smith lifted his fists in the air and screamed

UMMA Has Its Most Successful Friday Night Event

This Friday, staff at the University of Michigan Museum of Art were ecstatic when five students arrived for their special Friday night event. “It was just wonderful! The museum has never been so full of students!” said Museum Head Bridget Williams. “I was worried that nobody that going to show up. Instead, it was so

DPS Left With No Suspects After Man Confesses to Triple Homicide

University officials reported Tuesday that the Department of Public Safety is continuing its investigation into potential suspects after student Andrew Renkin confessed to single-handedly murdering all three residents in the apartment below his. “At this time, we have a few leads but no concrete suspect in the case,” said DPS officer John Anders. “We appreciate

Scientists Isolate Particle Responsible for Michigan Difference

In a breakthrough scientific study, researchers at the University of Michigan have finally identified the exact particle that causes the Michigan Difference. “As Wolverines, we all know that we’re the leaders and the best,” chief researcher Dr. Marcia Lovitz said. “But why exactly is that? Up until now, we simply explained it with the blanket

God Attempts To Purge RC Hippies From Earth With East Quad Flood

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A flood ravaged East Quad this month after a pipe burst on the building’s first floor, raining cleansing holy water on a gaggle of peacoat-clad RC hipsters. The pipe breaking was reportedly the result of faulty ductile iron used in the building’s renovation, but the real cause of the flood was found after this reporter

Student Who Says She Has No Time to Call Grandma Watches 20 Hours of TV Each Week

Alexis Fisher confesses she has fallen out of regular contact with her grandmother because she is overwhelmed by the amount of television shows she needs to keep up with. Although she keeps track of the day and times of her favorite shows on the notes section of her iPhone, Fisher recently forgot to call and

‘Good Monday Morning Class!’ Exclaims Sad, Sad Man

Feeling extreme sympathy for the poor bastard, students confirmed Monday that Professor Charles Kuhn, lecturer IV for Psychology 111, began an 8 AM class by feigning a happy, near whimsical greeting to begin his PowerPoint presentation. “Good Monday morning class! I assume you all did the Pinker reading?” said Kuhn as he forced a smile

Dining Hall Favorite ‘Grandma Shubert’s Meatloaf’ Found to Contain Trace Amounts of Grandma Shubert

Sources confirm that a recent study of the nutritional value of the food served in university dining halls conducted by a third party health inspection service found that one of the ground beef based dishes affectionately known as ‘Grandma Shubert’s meatloaf’ in fact contains trace amounts of Grandma Shubert’s DNA. “As part of our study,

Baghdad Auto Show Reveals Latest in Car Bomb Innovations

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BAGHDAD—Journalists, industry experts, and explosive enthusiasts alike gathered last week in Baghdad for the Baghdadi International Auto Show, a popular trade convention celebrating the latest and greatest in car bomb innovations. “I’m really excited about the turnout this week,“ said radicalized Islamic militant and convention vendor Omar al-Masri, “We always like to see a nice,

Target Cancels Contract With Edward Snowden

This past week, a spokesman from the retail chain Target, having accidentally leaked personal data from some 110 million in-store customers, announced it would be canceling its contract with disgraced ex-NSA computer systems analyst Edward Snowden. “Sure, he might have started an international controversy and leaked top-secret national information, but everyone makes mistakes sometimes. He