University Signs Slavic Languages Professor to Five Year, $52 Million Contract

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In what will go down as an historic signing, the University of Michigan’s College of Literature, Science and the Arts hired Professor Andrej Bulgakov to a five year, $52 million contract Friday to become the head of the Slavic Languages and Literatures Department. The landmark signing comes after a tumultuous three year span under Professor

Study Shows Red Wine May Improve Health of Friendships

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According to recent studies conducted by the FDA, red wine has been proven to increase the longevity of the average friendship, when consumed in copious amounts. The study, conducted in living rooms across the nation, found that for women ages 18-26, friendship pairs who consumed a minimum of two bottles of red wine per night

Viewpoint: Billiards Club, You are a Bunch of Fucking Pussies. If You Got a Beef With Us, Why Don’t You Just Do Something About It? That is, Before We Do

By the Michigan Foosball Club Hey assholes— in the table games community, word spreads pretty fast. A little birdy told us about how you guys have been going around and spreading lies about us and distorting the truth. Saying we spin our handles both ways? Not cool. You got a problem with us or something?

Hey Dumbass, the Tooth Fairy Isn’t Real

By Clive Newman of Mrs. Meyer’s 1st Grade Class You are such an effing dumbass. The Tooth Fairy isn’t real, you idiot. You still believe that crap? Do you wear diapers, too? You know, Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy—that’s, that’s all very BS. Wait, you don’t know what BS means? It’s like… um…

From the E3W: The Time Has Come to Make Terrorism Illegal

By the Every Three Weekly Editorial Board Here at the Every Three Weekly, it has been our policy not to taint our coverage of the news with our own opinions. In our stories of awkward human interactions, goofy professors, or social irresponsibility, we let the facts speak for themselves regardless of our own personal agendas. However,

Desperate New York Knicks Holding Open Tryouts to Revamp Roster

With an historically bad record and injury depleted roster, the New York Knicks Organization has begun holding open tryouts for even their scrawniest, least athletic fans to display their talents and potentially improve the team. Fans are not only excited about the prospect of “suiting up” for their favorite team, but they also believe that

Ohio State Wins Distinction of Most Exploited Team in College Football

ARLINGTON, TX—Following Steven “Buckets” Burke, #2, shows off his speed. Reportedly a rare sight. their victory over the Oregon Ducks, the Ohio State Buckeyes not only won the National Championship, but also the title of most exploited athletes in the country. “[The NCAA] provides the best opportunities for academic, personal, and athletic growth to college

Super Bowl XLIX: U. of Phoenix Stadium Offers Rare Job Opportunity to Recent U. of Phoenix Grads

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As football fans from around the nation make their way to the University of Phoenix Stadium for Super Bowl XLIX, sources have confirmed that the Glendale, Arizona stadium is offering rare opportunities for temporary, unskilled labor to “those most in need of a job”: recent University of Phoenix graduates. “At University of Phoenix Stadium, we’ve

Freshman Unsure Whether Stats 250 Super Easy, or He Greatest Statistician of All Time

LSA freshman Ryan Sterling, now considering majoring in Statistics, said he never thought he’d do very well in Stats 250, but realized he had a talent after receiving an “A” grade on his first test of the course, despite a substantial lack of effort or preparation. “I always thought I was a normal kid,” said

Roommate Luxuriating in Total, Unmitigated Control of Thermostat While You’re Gone For Weekend

Researchers at the University of Iowa’s Institute for the Study of Human Co-occupancy announced Monday that the moment you left for the weekend, your roommate likely kicked up his heels, slipped on his drop-seat pajamas and proceeded to “positively revel” in a full forty-eight hours of absolute, undivided sovereignty over the thermostat. The study found

Study: Strong Correlation Between Asking Questions in Lecture, Not Receiving Enough Attention in Childhood

According to a study conducted by the University of Michigan Department of Psychology, students who frequently interrupt entire lecture halls to ask frivolous or irrelevant questions are much more likely to have been emotionally neglected by their parents as children. Dr. Maria Hernandez, head of the study, gaining an understanding of people who demand that

Professor Naively Assumes Students Have Friend in Class to Study With

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Seemingly oblivious to the looks of nervousness and reluctance on the faces of the lonely, reclusive co-eds in front of him, Earth Science Professor Eric Rama stated Tuesday that it was permissible, and in-fact encouraged, for students to work together on assignments, thereby naively assuming his students had or wanted any such friend to study

Experts Recommend Wearing Mittens to Protect Hands From Exposure to Flyers

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THE DIAG—As winter approaches, local meteorologists have begun to issue warnings about the importance of dressing appropriately for the season. Said Ann Arbor meteorologist Terence Warner, “In January, we can expect to see severe temperature drops, as well as a dramatic rise in start-of-semester showcases and winter concerts. The absolute best way to protect hands

Area Dunce Unsure When to Put 3D Glasses On

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Noting that the dimly lit theater appeared to have no clear majority of patrons wearing 3D glasses versus those who had yet to don their spectacles last Saturday, area dimwit Liam Waits was unable to ascertain the proper time to put on the 3D glasses provided to him for his viewing pleasure. Waits, who had

Johnny Manziel Becomes Starting Quarterback, Man

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CLEVELAND—Following a disappointing lack of chutzpah in recent weeks from Browns QB Brian Hoyer, Manziel has officially become a man in the Jewish faith, as well as a member of the team’s starting lineup. “In a short time, he’s really learned the fundamentals of the playbook as well as the many lessons of the Torah,” said

Area Masochist Watches Entire YouTube Ad

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Lincoln, NE – Calling it a vital part of his web watching routine, area masochist Charlie Devita revealed to reporters Thursday that he thoroughly enjoys watching the entirety of each corporate-sponsored advertisement preceding the actually worthwhile YouTube content. “I have lots of hobbies some may consider strange, like putting my hand on a hot stove,

Strained Conversation at Holiday Dinner Consists of Nothing But Possible Alternate Travel Routes

ALBANY, NY—Desperate not to let the conversation fall into a tense and unpleasant lull, family members gathered at the Hastings’ family holiday dinner last weekend spent virtually the entire afternoon discussing how everyone got there, various alternate routes they potentially could have taken, and how they would ultimately return home. The extended family members came

4-Minute Speech by Graduating Plant Bio Major Unfortunately Best Part of Winter Commencement

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In contrast with the traditional spring commencement ceremonies that have taken place in the Big House, hosted tens of thousands of people, and featured such guest speakers as Bill Clinton, Sanjay Gupta, and Barack Obama, this year’s winter commencement will likely reach a peak level of excitement when overachieving LSA senior Hannah Tremain describes at

Mold in Shower No Match for Little Water Kicked in Its Direction


While the winter months “tend to bring out the worst” in Ann Arbor’s off-campus student housing, according to Linda Newman, University Housing director, many students are facing common cleaning problems in their homes. “Fortunately,” says Newman, “the trend among students currently is to combat these problems immediately and head on.” Junior Eli Weinberg reported that

Area Man Goes Entire Day Without Meekly Apologizing

Last week Hoboken, NJ man Clay Fremont managed to go through an entire 24-hour period without meekly apologizing to a single stranger. Regarding this monumental achievement, Fremont said, “when I glanced down this morning to check my watch, I realized that it was 11:30 and I hadn’t timidly apologized to anyone since 11:15 the day

Janitor With Checkered Past Calmly Informs Student He ‘Doesn’t Do That Anymore’

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MUNCIE, INDIANA—63-year-old Mason Hall janitor Carl Freiberg told inquisitive high school junior Stan Mink that, despite his enigmatic past, he “doesn’t do that anymore.” When asked about how he made a living prior to becoming a janitor, Freiberg gave only the vague remark and then briskly walked to the supply closet without another word. “I

Man With OCD Too Busy Organizing Severed Heads to Commit Murder Tonight

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Area serial killer Larry Talarico was unable to follow through with his plan to murder four women tonight due to a “compulsive need” to organize his refrigerator and the disembodied heads that fill the shelves. “I just don’t think I can bring myself to leave my apartment when my fridge is such a mess,” he

Nation Briefly Empowered by Thing It Saw on Internet

Nodding vigorously in solidarity, the nation’s citizens were momentarily and briefly empowered today by a thing they saw on the internet. Reportedly, the surging feeling of broadened social, political and personal horizons left an enduring impact on the nation’s entire collective consciousness for no less than several minutes. “It changed the whole way I saw

Supporter of Same Sex Marriage Not So Keen On Same-Sex Hand-Holding

Explaining that the practice “just seems a little off,” area woman Doreen Jones admitted to reporters Wednesday that although she is a staunch supporter of marriage equality, she does not endorse same- sex public displays of affection. “You know, I believe in marriage equality. I really do. The right to freely marry is an indispensable

Local Killjoy Adds Books to Toys For Tots Box

Public school teacher and reported “total wet blanket” Ben Hutchinson made a stop on his way to work last Wednesday to anonymously donate two brand new books to the Toys for Tots collection box outside of his local post office, an act witnesses could only assume would soon ruin an unlucky child’s entire Christmas morning.

Woman Somehow Convinced Her Height Only Thing Standing Between Her, Career as Professional Model

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Sources confirmed Tuesday that LSA senior Gretchen Bell reportedly believes that height is the only modelesque feature she lacks. With an apparent total disregard for her pudgy arms, awkwardly-shaped nose, and pasty complexion, Bell continues to insist that her shorter-than-average stature is the only thing standing between herself and her industry aspirations. Bell is seemingly

Nation’s Masturbators Voice Support for Obama’s Position on Net Neutrality

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In what is a likely response to President Obama’s advocacy of Net Neutrality, polling this month has shown that the President’s approval ratings have increased dramatically amongst masturbators across the country. Pollsters explain that although this key demographic has been tough on the President in the past, most notably in 2009 when the President failed

Area Man Still Pretending to Understand Lake-Effect Snow

CASUAL CONVERSATIONS EVERYWHERE—Sources confirmed Thursday that local man Dan Corona has been offering many confident but ultimately uninformed explanations for the area’s lake effect weather. “It’s simple. Water precipitates backwards into my butts, but it’s cold, so it freezes, and that’s why the snow goes upwards,” explained Corona just last week. In numerous conversational exchanges

Merry Christmas, This Holiday Letter Is a Cry for Help!

By Your Mom’s College Roommate, Sheryl Well, another year has gone by and the Dorfmans have been busier than ever! We would like to take this time to wish everyone a happy holiday season, and give you a taste of what we’ve been up to this year in the Dorfman family! Wow, where to start?

Why Am I Even Here? What’s My Purpose?

          By the Tip Jar at a Self-Service Frozen Yogurt Shop Malaise. Insignificance. Missed opportunities. Like many others working long hours in the service industry, it’s hard to feel anything but marginalized as you remain Scotch-taped to a counter for days at a time. But when you’re put out to collect