Infertility Study Proves Fruitless

A two-year clinical infertility study was cancelled last Thursday after researchers were unable to produce conclusive results. The study officially came to an end when test results came back Thursday morning, says Dr. Anna Weitzman, director of the project. “We were all really invested at that point. I mean, two years, multiple attempts. You could

Diverse IM Broomball Team Realizes They’re ‘Exactly What MLK Had in Mind’

ALONG THE MORAL ARC THAT BENDS TOWARDS JUSTICE—After celebrating a 12-2 victory in IM Broomball, team members of The Extra Funky Polka- Dotted Penguin People realized to their delight that they were, in fact, perfect evidence of a post-racial society. “Wow,” team captain Jacob Preston said at the moment of their epiphany. “Just take a

At Rick’s, Some Drunk Girl’s Life is Just the Worst

Witnesses report that LSA Junior and very drunk girl Kiera Saunders was sobbing outside of Rick’s again. Saunders allegedly stomped up the stairs, dramatically pushed past the bouncer, took off her stilettos and sat on the concrete curb, announcing “I am so fucking done with this” in between breathy sobs and incoherent mumbling. Two of

RA’s Bulletin Board Getting Oddly Personal

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As per usual, West Quad RA Ben Anderson has redecorated his hallway’s bulletin board for the upcoming month. Hallway sources report that his newest creation, however, is more disturbingly personal than usual. The board, which previously contained standard commentary on how residents should be more sensitive to transgendered peoples and hemophiliacs, was redecorated at some

Alternative Spring Break Group to Help Real Spring Breakers Locate Dignity

CANCUN, CABO, PANAMA CITY BEACH, LAS VEGAS, YOU GET THE IDEA—The University’s Alternative Spring Break Program will be featuring a new service option for students looking to have a selfless and rewarding spring break experience. This year, a group of twenty generous young people will head down to Mexico at the end of the month

Scientific Community Admits Atoms Completely Made Up

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At a recent Geneva press conference of the world’s top scientists, it was revealed that atoms, the microscopic particles that for years have been known to be the building blocks of life itself, are totally made up, with no basis in reality whatsoever. In front of a panel of experts and a live television audience,

Ask a Couple Showering Together With Soap in Their Eyes

Dear Couple Showering Together With Soap in Their Eyes, I am a junior this year and I have to decide if I am going to apply for grad school. I always planned on getting my Master’s degree, but as the application deadline grows closer and closer, I am worried about how much it is going

You’re Seriously Going to Turn In That Piece of Shit? By Your Laptop at Four in the Morning

Okay, seriously? You really need to stop this. Take a look at yourself in the mirror. What do you see? I’ll tell you what I see. I see the zombie-like gaze of someone who has spent the entire night churning out a half-assed essay for the third time this week. To call it half-assed is

You Know What They Say About a Guy With Big Feet… By Bigfoot

I’m the stuff of legends. Of fantasies, if you will. And I’m here to tell you that it’s all true. They call me Bigfoot, they call me Sasquatch, hell, my Wikipedia page even calls me a Bipedal Humanoid. But listen to me: I. Am. All. Man. I’m sure you’ve seen the pictures. I’m burly. I’m

Man With Nine Tattoos Tells Casual Girlfriend He Just Isn’t Ready for a Commitment

In a move that disappointed his girlfriend, Emily Trainor, area man James Birmingham announced Friday that despite having nine tattoos and several piercings covering his 23 year old body, he is not ready to commit to a serious relationship. “I really didn’t expect her to react this way,” said Birmingham while scratching his leg that