Mitch McGary Still Deciding Between Millions of Dollars or Being Further Exploited

A few days following the announcement that both Nik Stauskas and Glenn Robinson III will enter the 2014 NBA draft, the sophomore power forward Mitch McGary is still rumored to be on the fence regarding the same decision. His current options alternate between making more sweet, sweet cash than he’s ever dreamed of in his

Mary Sue Coleman To Deliver Commencement Speech Celebrating University’s “OK-ness”

According to a recently released transcript of the speech to be delivered by exiting president Mary Sue Coleman at Spring Commencement, Coleman plans to celebrate and praise the time she spent with the University, as much as one can about a University brimming with mediocrity. Mary Sue Coleman has achieved a number of remarkable things

Student Starting Unpaid Internship That Will Prepare Him for Career in Unpaid Debt

AN INCREASINGLY DIM FUTURE—With graduation fast approaching, LSA senior Jeremy Adams looks forward to his unpaid internship with his uncle’s law firm in Chicago. Adams claims that it will be “a valuable experience that should set [him] up well” although, according to sources, the job will do nothing to help Adams with his impending future

Freshman Hopes to Attract Mate by Displaying Impressive Collection of Craft Brewery Stickers on Laptop

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SECOND FLOOR OF THE UGLI—In an effort to attract the “right kind of men”, Emma Horowicz unveiled a newly decorated laptop case featuring local brewing companies on the second floor of the Shapiro Undergraduate Library late Sunday night. Witnesses report that the freshman laid out her textbooks and laptop before proceeding to spend the duration

Student Desperate to Sublease Apartment for Summer Completely Willing to Overlook Any Prospective Subletter’s Total Insanity

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Sources report that Engineering sophomore Lindsay Harper, who is currently looking for someone to sublet one of the bedrooms in her three-bedroom apartment while she returns home to Maryland for the summer, is more than willing to turn a blind eye to any potential subletter’s mental instaability, addiction issues, violent or criminal tendencies, and highly-infectious

UM-Divest Causes CSG to Freeze Under the Pressure of Not Being Completely Useless

The University’s Central Student Government shat their collective pants this month when they were forced to decide on a divestment measure that, unlike every other action ever taken by CSG, could have actual, real world consequences. “When we heard that our decisions could actually change people’s lives in a negative or positive way, our jaws

First Grade Job Market Competitive As Ever For This Year’s Kindergarten Graduates

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A new comprehensive study out this week finds that the 2014 Kindergarten graduates will likely struggle to find a job on any first grade classroom job chart. “I’ve always dreamed of getting to take care of the classroom pet when I became a first grader,” said Hannah K. from Mrs. Carlson’s class. “I’ve gone through

AI Program More Charming than Programmer

According to sources, computer science senior Mark Mahan has accidentally created an artificial intelligence program with greater social skills than his own, as part of an assignment in his EECS 492 class. “Our assignment was just to write a program that chatted back and forth with a human, so I wrote a simple program to

Michigan Court Legalizes Gay Marijuana

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In a landmark case cheered by progressives and fans of judicial activism alike, a Michigan appeals court has ruled to legalize gay marijuana, making Michigan the first state in the Union to allow the use of homosexual cannabis. “The court has determined that there is no ethical or legal basis to deny gay marijuana smokers the same rights as straight smokers,” reads

Local Football Star Takes Off Brainy Girl’s Glasses, Still Ugly

  ALL-AMERICAN HOMETOWN—After scoring the winning touchdown last Friday night, local football star Jason Turner ran up the bleachers and removed his biology tutor Alice Williams’ thick-framed glasses only to discover his potential love interest was still ugly without them. The discovery came as a shock. “Every popular depiction of the popular teenager/ ugly duckling