Cambodian Orphan Apparently Not Well-Behaved Enough for Santa to Grant Wish for Clean Drinking Water

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Sources report that despite nine- year-old Acharya Nhek’s letter to Santa last week requesting “water that is not brown and does not make our bellies feel as if they are on fire,” the Sunrise Children’s Orphanage in Dangkor, Cambodia has still not received water that demonstrates any semblance of potability. Nhek, despite promising to “say

Link Me To Your Feminist Think Piece, Sugartits

        by Brent Melchior Hey baby. The girls are looking nice today. How’s it going? Write anything for Thought Catalog recently? Nice, I’ll have to take a look at it. That is, if I can keep my eyes off of your damn tits. God. I could leer at your sweater meat from

Brown Man Somehow Makes It Through TSA Checkpoint Without Pat Down

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In a shocking turn of events, TSA officials at Detroit Metro Airport elected not to subject local brown man Suresh Gupta to a vigorous and intrusive pat down while proceeding through airport security last Monday. Airport janitor Steven Tyms, who has worked at DTW for 20 years, was “shocked” by the revelation, saying, “In all

Theta Psi Brother Brad Staunch, Uninformed Supporter of Keystone XL Pipeline

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According to sources close to the situation, Theta Psi brother Brad Doughty has become an outspoken supporter of the Keystone Pipeline expansion. “I’ll always stand up for what I believe in,” stated Doughty. “And I believe in every American’s right to easily access Keystone beer.” Doughty was actively voicing his support for the controversial project

Hoke Begins Long Walk Back to San Diego State


Following his firing on December second, former Michigan Head Football Coach Brady Hoke has reportedly started walking back to San Diego State University, where he held his previous job. This three thousand mile trek comes nearly four years after Hoke said he would “walk to Michigan” to secure the head coaching job. “Well, it’s gonna

Student Puzzled By Roommate’s Bizarre Christmas Decorations

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LEWIS HOUSE, BURSLEY—Area freshman Michael Campbell was reportedly taken aback by the bizarre decorations brought in by his roommate, Stephen Weissburg last week. Campbell allegedly adorned their room with colored lights, stockings and a miniature tree, but was frustrated when Weissburg only contributed “some blue Christmas lights and this weird candle stick thing.” “I’m all

Great Books Lecture Covers Okay Book

Thursday morning marked the end of the semester’s twentieth Great Books lecture, which was reportedly spent discussing an “unexciting” monologue in the Iliad. The text, which has been noted for violating readers’ expectations of its quality, has been described by many students in Great Books as “alright, but not fantastic or anything.” The seminar, which

Archaeology Major Excavates Laundry Pile for Clean Underwear

Junior archaeology major Jessica Gonzalez recently began her first comprehensive dig, sources confirm, attempting to salvage clean underwear from the ruins of her bedroom floor. Gonzalez has been researching the potential for finding clean underwear for “at least two or three days,” and is convinced that the cluttered floor is the optimal place to look

$49 Million Dennison Renovation to Feature Design by Licensed Architect

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University regents authorized a plan this week to undertake an exhaustive $49 million overhaul of Central Campus’ Dennison Building. In a dramatic and unexpected move, regents announced that the process will be spearheaded, from start to finish, by a team of licensed, qualified architects, which is a first for the now half-century old structure. “It’s

Roommates Shake Things Up in South Quad With Unexpected Mid-Year Trundle

FOURTH FLOOR, HUNT HOUSE—In a move that left residents of South Quad “stunned,” roommates Joshua Hodges and Frank Eshelman completely reconsidered the design of their dorm room and trundled their beds last week. “We felt that South Quad was starting to let the dust settle a little bit,” Eshelman explained. “And we were like ‘Nuh-uh.

Graduating Sorority Girl Donates $2000 of Rush Omega Gear to Goodwill

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Senior Rebecca Marrell recently decided to donate her entire collection of sorority apparel to Goodwill after graduation. “It’s not that I don’t love my sorority or that I won’t miss it,” she said, “I do and I will. It’s just really tacky to wear letters when you graduate.” Marrell, who served as recruitment chair and

Parka Engineered for Antarctic Expedition Now Facilitating Walk from Landmark to Starbucks

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ANNARBORTICA, MI–A century-long history of exploration above the Arctic Circle culminated early Thursday morning when a lone wanderer, LSA sophomore Sarah Schwartz, donned her triple-insulated, Gore-Tex equipped winter coat for a treacherous, death- defying morning coffee run in the middle of the Michigan winter. Clad in the result of decades of research and development at

Nation’s Veterans Honored With, Exploited By Free Short Stack of Pancakes At Denny’s

A DILAPIDATED STRIP MALL NEAR YOU—In recognition of their service to the nation, and their marketability to those aged sixty-five and older, the family restaurant chain Denny’s is symbolically honoring and commercially exploiting veterans today by offering each one free short stack of pancakes. “With this limited-time Veterans’ Day offer, Denny’s is affirming its commitment

Area Man Now Financially Stable, Physically Healthy Enough to Have Emotional Problems


JUST ANOTHER POTHOLE IN THE ROAD OF LIFE—Sacramento, California man Timothy Davies has found, now that his finances and physical health are in order, he is finally able to have emotional problems derived from personal, professional, and romantic relationships. “I was struggling to pay the rent on my apartment for months, and I was having

Millions of Africans Die of Not-Ebola

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SOMEWHERE OTHER THAN THE EVENING NEWS—Sources confirmed Monday that of the millions of Africans who died in the past year, nearly all perished due to factors entirely unrelated to the Ebola outbreak. Health officials were reportedly shocked to find that, besides a handful of cases in West African nations, most premature African deaths stemmed not

Senior Weighing Career Options As If She Won’t Soon Be Struck by Tree, Face Lifelong Paralysis

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Engineering senior Desiree Parks, who is anticipated to graduate in May 2015, is reportedly busy looking into future employment options, completely oblivious to the fact that in only seven short months, she will be hit in the head by a massive falling tree branch and will thus be unable to maintain a career or even

Vatican Wardrobe Stylist Baffled by Church’s Waivering Stance on Homosexuality

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THE WALK-IN CLOSET—Following a recent Vatican synod, Atanasio Cesarini, the man employed by the Vatican to whimsically mix and match various furs, silks, and tulle in his designs for Pope Francis’ wardrobe was left seemingly perplexed by the Catholic Church’s decision not to alter its doctrine regarding its stance on homosexuality. Cesarini, who has worked

Star Athlete Lauded for Being Mediocre Human

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DALLAS – DeMarco Murray, Dallas Cowboys running back and emerging NFL superstar, is drawing raves on and off the field, acclaimed by fans as not only “a young man with a promising career” but also “not a total dick” and “a reasonably mediocre human being.” Murray was further praised by Cowboys head coach Jason Garret

Michigan Fans Long for Time When Cover-Up of Sex Crime Was Football Program’s Only Problem

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In wake of the disappointing football season, Michigan football fans reportedly wished for a return to a “better and simpler time,” namely when the team was decent enough that fans’ only concern was a covered-up rape charge. Engineering senior and self- professed diehard fan Ben Snider told reporters, “Man, I wish we could just go

Sustainable Cannibal Only Eats Vegans

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In a move that has received advanced praise from environmental activists, local cannibal James Lewis recently decided that he would choose to eat only sustainably fed, humanely raised, vegan humans. “I became a cannibal because the horrors of the meat industry were too much for me to stomach. But after doing my research I found

Entire Campus Thinks It Has Shot With That Cute Girl Who Works At Bert’s

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After a long night of studying for midterms in the UgLi, every single person on campus was reportedly convinced that they “definitely have a shot” with that cute girl who works at Bert’s. Sources confirmed that the girl, who serves coffee to “literally thousands” of students every weeknight, is now being romantically pursued by every

Woman Leaving Wax Loft Acting Like She Wasn’t Just at Wax Loft

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According to witnesses on South University Avenue last Wednesday morning, a woman exited the Wax Loft at approximately 11 a.m. Upon closing the door clearly labeled with an advertisement for full body waxing, the woman looked to her right and her left, faced downward, and quickly waddled down the sidewalk. The woman, demonstrating clear signs

High Freshman Not Sure If Paranoid or Actually Awakened Ancient Evil Biding Time in East Quad

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East Quad ROOM 666—Following one too many rips from his roommate’s bong last Wednesday, freshman Danny Dishman reported feelings of paranoia in East Quad Room 666. “At first it was just the regular stuff, you know? Like I had no idea what to do with my hands. But by the end of it I was

Area Man Not Planning to Mention Great Start-Up Idea in Conversation, But Hey, If It Comes Up

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TOPEKA, KS–Area man Chad Booth announced this week that mentioning his great idea for a startup company during casual conversation with coworkers and acquaintances was literally the last thing on his mind, but if it came up organically, hey, who was he to deprive them of hearing about the future of technology. “I’m not one

Groundbreaking New Study on Question of Nature vs. Nurture Reveals It Little Bit of Both


In a groundbreaking study on the long- standing question of nature vs. nurture, a team of enterprising psychology undergraduates at the University of Michigan have determined that, as a matter of fact, “it is actually a little bit of both.” The study demonstrates conclusively that, when it comes to the contribution of a person’s genes

Student Acting Like Chem Frat Counts as Actual Frat

Sources report that LSA junior Rory Gilhard has continuously been seen talking, tweeting, and bragging about Alpha Chi Sigma, the University of Michigan’s professional chemistry fraternity, as if it’s not just some goddamn nerd club. “Oh man, I still can’t believe I got in,” Gilhard said. “Of course I’m just a pledge, so I guess

iPhone’s Increasingly Thin Profile Setting Unrealistic Standards for Today’s Phones

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The release of the iPhone 6 and the iPhone 6 Plus was met with backlash from numerous eating disorder awareness groups that claim the thinner models set unrealistic standards for other industry phones. “It’s clear that the recent motto for phone products has been, ‘slimmer, slimmer, slimmer’,” says Emma Siegal, an analyst for the National

Unmarried, Childless Aunt Planning to Keep Everyone Guessing About Sexuality

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THE KIDS TABLE, THANKSGIVING—In a recent survey taken by Cousin Bobby, most family members contend that Aunt Cheryl “definitely likes chicks,” while others maintain that she “may actually be straight, but probably not.” “Let’s look at the facts: she owns a Carhartt jacket, her profile picture is a river husky, and her last recorded date

Nation’s 7th Grade Teachers Concede That 5-Paragraph Essay is Dying Medium


After decades of steady decline, the nation’s 7th grade teachers confessed Monday that the five-paragraph essay is a dying medium, predicting the “legacy format” will soon go the way of the stone tablet, becoming all but obsolete. With the rise of newer, progressive alternatives to the five-paragraph format, a growing number of teachers are discontinuing

Roommate Genuinely Puzzled Over Whether It Possible to Do Dishes Sometime


With an expression of genuine bewilderment and confusion, area man Matthew Kerns’ roommate, Joshua Unger, wondered aloud this week whether it was possible—given the laws of physics, chemistry, and human biology—to do the dishes sometime soon. Unger, who studies mechanical engineering, reports that he has always been interested in testing limits. The question of doing