Study Finds Death Row Inmates Most Patient People

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A new study conducted by Wake Forest University found that inmates waiting on death row are the most patient type of people, according to what is called the Ability to Wait Index. The inmates clocked in at a score of 98.3 on the 100-point scale. Lead researcher Dr. Nancy Lee explained, “To put that in

Nation’s Gangs Lauded for Teaching Valuable Team-Building Skills

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WASHINGTON – Across the nation, the nation’s gangs are rapidly gaining support from the general public for incorporating a more ‘team-oriented’ philosophy into their criminal activities, according to a report released by the Wall Street Journal. “Today’s gangs are really going out of their ways to get every member involved,” said Jordan Collins, who authored

Local Daredevil Orders Spicier Wings Than Usual

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BUFFALO WILD WINGS – Crowds gasped at Buffalo Wild Wings yesterday as daredevil Wayne Sheehan ordered medium wings, which is reportedly a far cry from his standard mild selection. Several eyewitnesses reported that a small group of people had gathered around Sheehan when his order was placed, while the waitstaff responded with hushed whispering. Upon

‘It Totally Feels Like a Thursday,’ Remarks Area Coworker

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THE BREAKROOM–Following another riveting discussion of how dang cold it’s been getting lately, Kevin from marketing confirmed this morning that today “totally feels like a Thursday,” which is weird because by all accounts, it’s only Wednesday. “Oh, man how is today only Wednesday? This week is taking forever,” reported the 34-year-old brand manager. Despite several

‘Bad Day’ Singer Releases New Single ‘So I Had a Bad Decade’

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In an attempt to revitalize his floundering career, singer Daniel Powter has announced the release of a new song, “So I Had a Bad Decade,” following his 2005 smash “Bad Day.” Since “Bad Day,” the famed American Idol playoff song and first single to ever sell 2 million digital copies in the United States, Powter

Freshman Basketball Player Excited to ‘Give Michigan His All’ Until Moment He’s Eligible for Draft

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The latest in a long line of Michigan’s temporary basketball stars, freshman Power Forward Carlos Kennedy confirmed his enthusiasm to finally play big time college basketball, then immediately leave as soon as he gets good. “I feel a lot of pride when I put on that Maize and Blue, I promise the fans I’ll go

Dave Brandon: A Farewell to Michigan, Sponsored by Chobani™ Yogurt

Almost five years ago today, I agreed to take on this challenging role. During my time at the University of Michigan, I worked tirelessly to create experiences for our fans, students, staff, alumni, and corporate sponsors that were excellent and exciting, like the great fruit flavors of Chobani Greek Yogurt. However, I am resigning from

Stop! No; Keep Going

by a Semicolon Stop—do you realize what you’re doing? Do you really want to go this far? Sometimes it’s better to stay in the moment, suspended in time and pleasure. But then again,why not bring both of these thoughts to a single, perfect climax? Here we are, with two inflamed independent clauses ready to be

Gaze Upon My Motorized Scooter, Ye Pedestrians, and Despair!

by Tom Sluffman, Moped Owner Hark! What is that which wantonly speeds through the streets, casting terror into your very souls as a blur of colors rushes by and a mighty gust of wind confounds your senses? Why, it is I, on my mighty motorized scooter! “What’s that?!” You mere mortals wonder, as you gaze

The Crowd’s Begging For More, Daniel. Are You Going To Leave Them Disappointed? Of Course Not. Now Post A New Joke To Yik Yak, Daniel. Make Them Laugh. I Command You!

by The Voices Inside Daniel’s Head Daniel. It’s been 24 hours since that Yak really took off. I know you’re still reeling in excitement about your first number one, but it’s time to act. You don’t want to be a one-hit wonder, do you? Your Yakarma is not going to build itself. Post something. Now,

Daily Op-Ed Columnists Announce Plans to Shout Entire Text of Editorial at You

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MASON HALL NEWSPAPER RACKS—With the Daily already replete with hard-hitting news pieces such as “University Housing to Continue Heating Water” and “Mars Rover Is On Mars,” many have voiced concern that the paper may not have enough room to publish its popular and often controversial editorials. These fears were assuaged last week when Daily Editor-In-Chief

Congressman Grounded After Receiving 52% Percent on Midterms

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Despite his successful reelection campaign, Michigan State Congressman Rex Musky was grounded Wednesday morning after his parents discovered that he only received 52 percent of the popular vote. “He’s a nice kid and a good congressman, but he really needs to apply himself more,” said Linda Musky, the Republican politician’s mother. Despite the congressman’s insistence

Michelle Obama Wears String of Amputated Fingers Around Neck as Warning to Nation’s Obese Youth

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Calling her “Let’s Move!” campaign an “outright futile strive” to end childhood obesity in the United States, First Lady Michelle Obama announced in a speech Tuesday she is adopting a new, more formidable strategy: wearing a string of amputated fingers formerly belonging to American diabetics around her neck. “For nearly four years, I have traveled

South Quad Dining Hall: There’s Nothing Like The Sensation Of Having 1,000 Young People Inside You At The Same Time.

By South Quad Dining Hall I know you’ve heard of me. And I bet you’re wondering how I do it. Everyone’s curious. You’re saying to yourself, “There’s no way it can be that good!” Well, let me tell you something. I am that good. I’m more than that good. So much more. There’s a reason

‘Hoke’ Rhymes With ‘Joke.’ It Also Rhymes with ‘Choke.’ What Can We Do Here, Boys?

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By the Michigan Daily Sports Editor Okay, boys. So, the Michigan football team isn’t doing so hot right now. We’re losing games, the department’s embroiled in controversy, and the fans are really upset. They want a voice! This is really our time to shine. We need to get something killer in tomorrow’s issue that will

Grandma, Grandpa Agree: Should Have Just Split Entree at Romano’s Macaroni Grill

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While out for dinner last Thursday, local grandparents Richard and Helen Boulding were seen acting visibly bewildered by the size of their meals, which they ultimately agreed constituted twice as much food as they really needed. Richard and Helen, who were dining at their local Romano’s Macaroni Grill in celebration of their granddaughter Catherine’s twelfth

Quentin Tarantino: I Won’t Start Production on My Next Movie Until at Least Ten Women Send Me Pictures of Their Feet

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When the script for The Hateful Eight was leaked and I decided to shelve it out of spite, I realized two things. First, the public’s demand for my movies is so high that I can’t possibly let them down for petty reasons. Second, you guys will do anything to convince me to stay in the

Area Couple Passionately Conceives In Vitro Fetus

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THE LOCAL SPERM BANK— Despite their inability to have a child through conventional intercourse, newlyweds Joe and Lucy Evans’ in vitro conception was reportedly nonetheless magical. “Everything about it was perfect,” Evans said. “The romantic, muted lighting, Seal’s ‘Kiss from a Rose’ playing softly on the stereo, and a vast selection of hardcore pornographic magazines

Nation’s Poop-Shy Call for Noisier Bathrooms

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THE NEXT STALL OVER—Calling the level of ambient noise in the nation’s public restrooms “humiliatingly low,” thousands of poop-shy Americans have begun campaigning in pursuit of noisier restrooms, claiming this would allow them to finally void their bashful, highly self-conscious bowels in peace. Poop-shy individuals, who find it difficult or impossible to defecate within earshot

Dr. Pepper Loses Medical License After Giving Millions of Patients Diabetes

Amid the largest and tastiest medical scandal in American beverage industry history, the American Medical Association has suspended the medical license of Dr. Herman Pepper, who is allegedly responsible for giving Type-II diabetes to millions of his patients. “Dr. Pepper’s alleged actions, if confirmed to be true, are morally reprehensible, as well as a major

Obama Named Worst President Since Bush

President Barack Obama was named the worst Leader of the Free World following George W. Bush’s time in office in a recent double blind poll conducted by CNN last week. No other Presidents were nominated. While many voters supported some of Obama’s policies, they did not hesitate to judge the Chief Executive’s overall tenure in

Independent Space Agencies Vow to Establish Life, Poverty, Suffering on Mars by 2030

Elon Musk, billionaire and founder of SpaceX, has announced plans to institute civilization, with all its violence, pain, and ultimately meaningless yearning for higher purpose, on Mars by 2030. “It is our primary mission to explore the stars,” explained Musk, “and spread, through the vastness of the void of space, the banality of the futile,

Nation’s Sickos Add Finishing Touches to This Year’s Halloween Candy Poison

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With a quick spritz of hemlock and a generous dash of cyanide, representatives of the nation’s sickos proudly confirmed Monday that they’d just put the finishing touches on this year’s batch of Halloween candy poison. Since the nation’s mothers first dreamt up this sort of nightmare in the late seventies, psychopaths, malcontents, and loonies alike

Roger Goodell Suspends ISIS for Three Games After Beheading Videos Surface

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NEW YORK—Early this morning, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell confirmed that the NFL will be suspending international terrorist group ISIS for three games, following the release of videos displaying the beheading of several kidnapped journalists. “I’ve made mistakes, and I’m just trying to get this right,” said Goodell in a press conference. “I am now setting

Brady Hoke Leaves Rotting Corpse of Shane Morris on Practice Field

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In what has been described as “gross misconduct” by the Athletic Department, the putrid, decaying body of recently deceased quarterback Shane Morris continued to take snaps at UM’s football practice last week. When interviewed about the matter, coach Brady Hoke said, “As the head coach, it’s not my job to pay attention to personnel changes

Area Asshole Wearing Costume Way Too Early

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In a fashion move that has baffled students all over campus, ROTC senior and overenthusiastic weirdo Conor Buckley decided to celebrate Halloween far too early this year, wearing his Army costume a whole week before the 31st of October. “I get that he’s excited to dress up and all, but just because you bought that

Student Studying in UgLi Narrowly Survives Violent Onslaught of Insights into Sarah’s Personal Life

Area student Sam Bennett reportedly stepped onto the fourth floor of the Shapiro Undergraduate Library last Wednesday to study for his STATS 250 midterm, but instead was subject to a seemingly unending assault of very personal information by fellow student Sarah Friar. Friar, who was stationed a few seats down from Bennett with her friend,

Area Man Wrapped in Diag Hammock ‘Just Asking’ to Get Stabbed

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Numerous individuals passing an area man relaxing Sunday afternoon in his cocoon hammock described the man as looking “totally stabbable.” The man reportedly mistook his spot between two trees on the Diag as the woods or some shit and was seriously this motherfucking close to getting stabbed. “I’m not saying I’m gonna do it—that’s not

Hall ‘Open Door Policy’ Forces Chinese Exchange Student Out of Comfort Zone, Valuable Port Cities

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FAR EAST QUAD—A well-intentioned measure meant to provoke a sense of friendship and camaraderie among residents in East Quad’s Cooley House and 19th century imperialists turned tragic earlier this week after freshman Harry Xiang found himself enriched with friends and neighbors, but robbed of his formerly-unclaimed treaty ports of Shanghai, Nanjing, and Tientsin. “One day

Northwood Freshman To Become Asexual

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Since recently settling into his remote Northwood III apartment, Michigan freshman Kyle Sleighter has elected to become asexual, mainly because his “fucking to being fucked over ratio [has] completely flipped.” “I put posters on the bus stop signs for weekly Friday orgies and advertised free tongue-kisses outside my dorm room on weekdays,” said the the