New Bed, Bath, & Beyoncé Retail Outlet to Target Pop-Singer Demographic
DESTINY’S AISLE – Steven H. Temares, CEO of national retailer Bed, Bath, & Beyond, announced earlier this week that he plans to open a sister store named Bed, Bath, & Beyoncé. With this new line of stores, the retailer hopes to target consumers who never shopped at its other outlets, including successful African-American pop divas,
GOP Says Semen-Soaked Tissue Has ‘Right to Live’
THE CRADLE OF LIFE – LSA sophomore Jake Bess ejaculated into a tissue early Wednesday morning, unwittingly setting off a firestorm of controversy that would quickly reach the nation’s capital. “I had just finished my nightly ‘flog of the log’ and was wiping off the ol’ equipment with a tissue,” said Bess. “But before I
Kanye West, Kim Kardashian Attempt to Patent Creation of Zygotes
In a move that has been called expected, egocentric couple Kanye West and Kim Kardashian have registered a request with the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office to copyright the process of joining two gamete cells through sexual intercourse. “Listen y’all,” said West, “all y’all better cease and desist from engaging in any interpersonal sexual activity
Women Earn Right to Die for Country: Still Waiting on Right to Not Be Treated Like Shit
AMERICA – Women nationwide were thrilled to celebrate a huge victory for equality as the Pentagon lifted its ban barring them from combat, although they still admit that it would be “pretty nice” to eventually be treated like human beings. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m really grateful,” said Navy Pfc. Shauna Winters. “I feel like
Student from Upper Peninsula Doesn’t Understand People’s Problem with Snow
ANN ARBOR – Although recent sub-zero temperatures and frigid winds have broken the spirits of students across campus, especially that kid on your floor from California who didn’t know what frostbite was before having his foot amputated last January, Engineering sophomore Abe Augustuske has been seen around campus wearing nothing more than pants and a
GSI Accidentally Fills CTools Resources Folder with Entire Fifth Season of ‘Entourage’
POLSCI 353 COURSE SITE – Exclusive sources with intimate access to the CTools site for POLSCI 353: American Constitutional Politics confirmed that instead of uploading Thursday’s slides on the Electoral College and party nominations, GSI Greg Carrol instead loaded the class folders with media from his own personal iTunes library, including 4 GB of music
Ask a Student Who’s About to Find Out He Got Deferred
Dear Student Who’s About to Find Out He Got Deferred, I’m a freshman now in my second semester at the University and I love it here. I’ve met lots of new friends, but I really want a relationship right now. I met an awesome girl at a party recently, but she goes to school an
