Pretentious 5-Year-Old Looking Forward to Kindergarten’s ‘Networking Opportunities’


P.S. 513 – Local preschooler Ronnie Maddow is incredibly excited to begin kindergarten and start networking with his peers, say sources within the principal’s office.

“I recognize that I’m at that point in my pre-professional life where I should begin getting my name out there and discussing my prospects with like-minded individuals,” Maddow said, adding, “Like-minded in the fact that none of us can count beyond 100 yet.”

Maddow is anxious to explore the benefits offered at households other than his own. Sources indicate that, while Maddow’s parents provide him with a comprehensive package including a variety of television channels, a large backyard, and competitive bedtimes, other partnerships such as Jenny Wilson’s parents and Tyler Patton’s mom always take the crust off their PB&J sandwiches. Ronnie Maddow was quick to note, however, that the biggest consideration on his mind is the prestige factor.

“Look,” he said slowly while chewing a mouthful of gummy bears, “I think we all know that if I want to secure employment with a top-tier consulting firm like Bain or McKinsey, I’ll have to put together a highly-competitive resume. For that reason, I’m planning on applying for a position as a Popular Kid in 4th grade, but I have to start building my credentials for that now.”

Maddow’s parents were proud to note that he has already started working towards his dream. Maddow organized an “informational get-together” with Tommy Parker down the block last week, and after a long day of playing with blocks and trains, Ronnie immediately sent his new associate a LinkedIn connection request.

Originally published: December 2012

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