Professional Football Replaces Sex as Top American Pastime

We here at the E3W typically don’t accept unsolicited submissions, but we do make an exception for those born between the years 1923 and 1926. We hope you enjoy this article, which was written by an 87-year-old University alum and “religious reader” of the E3W, and edited by the E3W.

Roger Goodell, Commissioner and Grand Poobah of the NFL, announced last week that football is now the premier sport in the United States, displacing sexual intercourse. The Commissioner explained that because football is now shown on television four times per week and the American population is aging considerably, many men now consider watching the NFL a legitimate replacement for a healthy sex life.

He cited a recent survey of 30-to-49-year-old males indicating the majority of middle-aged men are more turned on by Peyton Manning’s curvaceous spiral than by their decrepit wives’ bodies, prompting the nation’s advertisers to nod in agreement.

In fact, many companies that previously used sex appeal to market their products have shifted strategies. Cadillac and Lincoln, luxury automakers who have traditionally sold shag wagons disguised as cars to the elderly, have begun outfitting their vehicles’ backseats with flat-screen televisions and a subscription to NFL Sunday Ticket.

When asked for comment, President Barack Obama said, “Mr. Goodell’s announcement has serious implications for our nation’s sexless future. Although I follow basketball more than football, I have to admit that Michelle and I have been having fewer ‘special moments’ recently. Although, to be honest, it’s probably the bangs.”

Other political leaders reacted more negatively, however. “I don’t know where this guy Goodell is coming from,” said former president Bill Clinton. “Yeah, sure, things were a little tough after that whole Monica thing, but I’ve definitely rebounded. Are we sure Goodell is accurately counting all of my sexual escapades? This study covers all the extramarital stuff, right?”

In related news, Pop Warner football has replaced sex as the nation’s #1 source of closed-head injuries.

Originally published: February 2013

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