Public Works Project ‘Definitely an Inside Job’

SOUTH FOREST AVE. — Area tinfoil-hat aficionado and self-proclaimed purveyor of the “truth” Wayne Kirkwood reports to have uncovered a massive government conspiracy involving road construction in his neighborhood.

“I was driving home one night when it hit me,” said Kirkwood. “The construction on my street was just too fucking convoluted to be carried out by some lowly private-sector company. Think about it – the secrecy, the inefficiency, the overrun budgets, the way they’re always talking on radios – the whole project stinks to high hell of government meddling!”

Kirkwood points to a sign he discovered at the construction site as his strongest line of evidence, which reads “Project Funded by the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act.”

“Once I had my lead, I did what any free-thinking non-sheep would do – I followed the money,” Kirkwood explained. “And guess who’s behind the so-called ‘American Recovery and Reinvestment Act’? The goddamn government! It all makes sense now, doesn’t it? Those aren’t construction workers under those hardhats. They’re CIA operatives – who knows what kind of listening devices they’ve got wired up under that yellow plastic. The government probably just assumed we were all too coked up on chemtrails and fluoride to notice such obvious schemes to bring about the New World Order. Well, looks like the joke’s on them. The truth’s gonna get out, and there’s nobody who can stop it.

“Except the Jews in charge of controlling the mainstream media, of course,” he added with a sigh.

As of press time, Kirkwood’s plan to inform the masses has been postponed indefinitely, as he was last seen being pinned to the ground by a police officer while shouting something incoherent about the “police state.” The Ann Arbor Police Department reports Kirkwood was arrested for aggravated assault on a bulldozer, which he claimed was an agent of the Illuminati.

Originally published: November 2012

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