Ray Lewis Announces Retirement, Vows Never to Murder Another Human Being Again

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BALTIMORE – Ray Lewis, the All-American cold-blooded killer who was named to 11 Pro Death teams over the course of an illustrious career, announced his retirement at a press conference on Tuesday. Lewis retires in possession of the individual records for Body-Sacks Filled, Forced Fatalities, Expirations, and YAC (Yelps of pain After Contact with knife).

“After 13 rewarding years as Baltimore’s leading cause of death and homicidal-maniac-in-chief, with regret I have decided it is time to retire,” said a teary-eyed and blood-stained Lewis. “I have given my life, and the lives of many others, to pursue a truly blessed career. At this point in my life, I would like to spend more time with my family and less time murdering other people’s families.”

Lewis began his career as a rookie in 2000 following a fight outside an Atlanta bar that resulted in the stabbing deaths of two people. After learning of his God-given gift for erasing people from the face of the earth, Lewis became a gun for hire. Over the course of his career he is thought to have murdered between 70 and 80 people, the all-time record for a person who is neither a serial killer nor a tyrannical dictator.

“Ray was truly a legend. He was the only man I know who was so frightening that he could literally kill a person with just a primal scream,” said Steve Bisciotti, who drafted Lewis out of probation and allowed him to hunt and kill in a team environment. “That said, he was much more effective with his fists. Or a gun – he was especially good at killing people with guns.”

Upon his retirement, Lewis is eligible for induction into the National Murderers Hall of Fame. He is considered a first-ballot lock for the Hall, although some voters have questioned whether his use of cyanide to murder several unsuspecting victims constitutes illegal use of a death-enhancing drug. In any event, induction is all but assured, and Lewis will merely have to decide whether he wants his bronze plaque to depict him brandishing a Bowie knife or a flamethrower.

Meanwhile, Ben Roethlisberger, the country’s all-time leader in sexual assault, recently renewed his contract with the state of Pennsylvania’s sex-offender registry and has given no indications of retirement.

Originally Published: January 2013

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