Report: Newborn Son Fucking Mooch

newborn-son

OLIVIA AVENUE — New mother Ashley Tyson, who recently gave birth to her first child, a 7-pound-9-ounce bundle of joy named Henry, reports that her newborn son is a total goddamn sponge.

“I mean, I’ll just be eating some applesauce or something and he’ll literally just sit there and cry until I give him some,” said Tyson. “It’s like, ‘Get your own damn jar!’ I paid for this, you know? He’s what, almost a month old? Get a job!”

“And it doesn’t help that he’s a pervert,” she added. “You wouldn’t believe how often I catch him staring at my tits.”

Bill Tyson, Ashley’s husband of six years and Henry’s father, was quick to agree with his wife.

“I realize that he’s fallen on hard times since he was evicted from my wife’s uterus, but he’s been sleeping on our couch for like a month now. I think it’s time he at least start looking for his own place.”

The Tysons said also that while they spend all day at work, their son just sits at home alone watching television, sleeping, and shitting himself. The extreme lack of respect for even the most basic of social norms has led the couple to consider putting him out on the street.

“I just don’t know what we’re going to do with him,” sighed Mr. Tyson. “The worst thing is, when we mention any of this to him he just plays dumb and innocent, like he has no idea what we’re even talking about. And he always holds the blunt for way too long.”

Originally published: November 2012

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