A DARK EMOTIONAL ABYSS—Sophomore Brian Thompson reports that his roommate, Carl Landry, has fallen in a small emotional crisis after running into Leslie Wagner, who they both grew up with, at a party last weekend.

“Look you don’t understand,” Landry repeatedly told his roommate after the encounter. “Leslie and I went out in 4th grade, and there’s still a lot of emotional baggage between us.”

Thompson figured that Landry had simply had one too many drinks and was overreacting. However, the problem continued afterwards, as Landry refused to even get out of bed the next morning.

“She opened up my world sexually!” Landry tearfully yelled from within his locked bedroom. “I still remember the day when we held hands behind the gym bleachers. I’ve never felt the same way about another girl.”

Since then, Thompson notes that his roommates conditioned has slightly improved, although Landry has still not left the house in five days. Instead, he spends the majority of his time spooning mouthfuls of ice cream into his oral edifice, while repetitively watching the scene from the “Hey Arnold!: The Movie” where Helga and Arnold finally kiss.

“You think something’s going to last forever, but then it all comes crashing down around you,” Landry sobbed into his half-gallon of Ben and Jerry’s Whirled Peace. “The thing that hurt me the most was the fact that she was all over that other guy last weekend, pretending like nothing had ever happened between us.”

Sadly, Thompson admits, this type of crisis is nothing new for his roommate. In addition to Ms. Wagner, Landry has developed maladaptive emotional attachments to over half of his casual female friends, his Spanish teacher, Thompson’s mother, and the card-swipe girl at MoJo’s dining hall, who once smiled at him and told him to “Have a nice weekend.”