Listen, Philhellenes, I know we’re all very excited about the outcome of our modern gladiatorial match against the Spartans of Michigan State. But let me remind you of that old proverb that those who do not learn history are doomed to repeat it. When looking back on the 900th win of this educational forum, do not fall victim to the trap of believing that this victory was caused by the formations and stratagems of your legion trumping those of your opponent. Rather, think to Sparta’s historical propensity for ancient man-boy love as your answer.

Indeed, it appears our rivals to the west have planted themselves firmly within a long historical tradition of military prowess, institutional devotion, and cross-generational homoeroticism. While the ancient Spartans founded a thriving poleis and conquered many a valiant foe, some historians claim that the pathway to their demise was paved by the carnal pleasures shared by soldier and squire betwixt battles. Whether our fellow state university fell victim to the same outcome, I will not presume. However, evidence has shown that those in positions of superiority and reverence, most notably in the fair state of Pennsylvania, are more frequently yearning to taste that unripened forbidden fruit. I pray to Athena that our contemporary Spartan brothers have not succumbed to the same desires, though I fear that may be the case.

So, given our knowledge of Greek history, culture, and legends, here is my advice to you: beware the hubris that foreshadows the fall. Yes, the kind of hubris that leads you to fuck someone of the same sex and roughly two decades younger. Let us take heed that our university’s ego not grow too large, nor our phalluses grow too stimulated in the presence of the prepubescent. For those are the ways to ruin.

Originally published: November 2012