IOWA CITY, Iowa – In a summer that broke records for high heat and low precipitation, America’s farmers watched in horror as most of their crops wilted and shriveled, just as Rob Cole’s (’13) penis did the same after a summer without any poontang. To date, the self-proclaimed lady-killer has not gotten any action in four months.

“Yeah, sucks for the farmers, I agree. But I’ve got a real drought issue here too. I need to get me some wetness up in hizzur,” said Cole, gesturing vulgarly at his crotch.

Isolated from the drunken co-eds of college, stuck with his nagging mother, and amidst the driest summer mankind has seen in the last half-century, Cole’s power-tool became underutilized as the tractors in Kansas. “It was tragic. My livelihood completely withered away before my eyes,” sighed Cole.

Previously, Cole believed himself to be a complete player. He claimed to be able to merely look at a girl and have her that night. The drought, however, has shaken his confidence.

Cole did find some consolation, though, in the prospect of prosperous times to come. He looks forward to a bountiful harvest from his former high school, whose recent graduating class was filled with bushels upon bushels of “dime-pieces” who will be attending the University of Michigan this fall. Meteorologists predict a high chance of Cole getting laid before the end of the week.

Originally published: September 2012