Swiffer Helps Elderly Couple Sweep Away Signs of Their Inevitable Decay

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Lee and Morty Kaufman, the 90-year-old couple prominently featured in ads for Swiffer, were amazed and delighted by the products’ abilities to effectively attract and clean the signs of their own impending atrophy.

“They say that dust is made up of dead skin cells, and nobody has more dead skin cells then Morty and me,” said Lee Kaufman, who admits that she considers the surprise arrival of the Swiffer at her doorstep as nothing short of a miracle. “When you’ve been alive for almost a century, you really build up just all sorts of signs of rot.”

Lee’s husband Morty is just as impressed with Swiffer’s line of products, which includes the Sweeper™, WetJet™, SteamBoost™, and Dusters™, all of which help him and his wife to tidy the house which is increasingly becoming their own mausoleum.

“Yessiree, won’t be long now until we’re nothing but a pile of ashes,” Morty Kaufman said cheerfully, while vacuuming the bedroom where he and his wife may any day fail to wake from their slumber. “Good thing Swiffer’s got our back!”

The Kaufman’s children have also expressed gratitude towards Swiffer, asserting that their cleaning products have injected new life into their aging parents.

“When I used to visit, Mom and Dad would just be sitting in their recliners, reading large print novels, and essentially festering in their own decomposition,” Reuben Kaufman said. “But last time I stopped by, they were both on their feet and whistling as they dusted away. I could’ve sworn I even saw Mom smile, as if she could finally ignore the fact that the Grim Reaper is nigh upon her.”

At press time, the Kaufmans updated their wills, stating that they would like their bodies to be cremated and have their ashes stored together in a Swiffer SweeperVac™.

Originally published Nov. 2013

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