PRIVATE SECTOR – In light of the economy’s recent struggles and the financial despair of many Americans, the Ross School of Business decided that the best response to the crisis would be to jack up the price of out-of-state tuition, making it the most expensive undergraduate business school in the country.

“With so many people out of work, struggling in poverty, or generally just poor, we wanted to make sure that none of these undesirables could possibly afford to attend the Ross School of Business,” explained Dean Alison Davis-Blake. “We only want to recruit and accept the finest out-of-state assholes to this school. These new tuition levels should ensure that poor people wouldn’t even be able to qualify for the necessary loans to pay for it.” At the new yearly tuition levels of $3,800,000, the Ross School targets mainly the children of celebrity assholes, CEOs, rich assholes, banking assholes, and high-level marketing assholes.

In an effort to appear egalitarian, the school has announced a new scholarship program for underprivileged students. “We will be offering a free ride to the children of former Lehman Brothers and Bear Stearns executives,” said Davis-Blake. “Those poor kids had their lives turned upside down by a financial crisis that their parents caused – not them. Some can’t even afford to ship their golf clubs on their private planes anymore. It’s our duty to provide these kids with an education they otherwise could’ve gotten from watching Wall Street and reading Machiavelli a couple times. How in the world are these kids supposed to make nearly as much money as their parents without this incredibly expensive opportunity?”