FIELD HOUSE – After receiving perfect scores across the board for her most recent routine on the high beam, LSA sophomore gymnast Gabby Harper revealed that behind her innate sense of balance, coordination, and grace is a persistent fear of touching the floor, which she pretends is lava.

“If I fall and land on the floor my body will burn up and I’ll never see my parents again,” explained Harper. “Or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.”

Harper first developed the technique at the age of four on the armrest of her parents sectional coach, and has stuck with the method ever since. As of press time, Gabby was reportedly engaged in a heated dispute with several judges over whether or not Mom’s throw pillows could be used as safe spots.