University Introduces New Fuckability-Based Admissions Policy
In response to recent concerns over the legal viability of affirmative action, the University of Michigan has devised a new admissions policy based entirely on the applicant’s demonstrated record of fuckability.
“The University of Michigan Office of Admissions has always strived to field a diverse, intelligent, and highly-fuckable freshman class,” said Ted Spencer, the Executive Director of Admissions. “This new policy simply puts that practice in writing – with a few added requirements to ensure the incoming class is well-rounded, in all the right places.”
Starting today, all applicants will be required to submit a Fuckability Supplement to the Common Application. The supplement asks for photos of the applicant’s face and full body from front, back and profile views – preferably while the applicant is in “sexy, revealing and/or provocative attire.” The new supplement also grants admissions officers unlimited access to the applicant’s Facebook photos for “confirmation purposes.” Applicants are then assigned a fuckability score from “hell no” to “hot damn,” with intermediate classifications including “only if I was shitfaced” and “meh.”
Dean Spencer described how fuckability would become not just a tie-breaking factor, but even a potentially “dealbreaking” consideration when it comes to undergraduate admissions. “If the Office of Admissions is forced to choose between a high-school valedictorian with a 2330 SAT and a big-booty bitch, we will, in all likelihood, opt to admit the latter, probably with a significant financial aid package.”
“Actually, I am certain that we would admit the big-booty bitch,” Spencer added.
Students who do not identify as fuckable expressed concerns over the recent decision. Sam Druthers, a high-school junior with a clear fuckability handicap, said he couldn’t understand why his complete and utter lack of sexual attractiveness should put him at a disadvantage.
Dean Spencer responded that it was “nothing personal” and the Office of Admissions simply “sees a substantial public interest in keeping prude and/or hideous young people unaffiliated with this institution.” In addition, University representatives pointed out that the legality of fuckability-based admissions was upheld by the Supreme Court’s landmark 2003 ruling, Hot Bitches v. Bollinger.
Originally published: December 2012