Vancouver City Officials Report Unusual Lack of Riots this Hockey Season


VANCOUVER — Vancouver Police Chief Gary Anderson remarked during a press conference this week that the incidence of disgruntled pitchfork-wielding citizens taking to the streets is markedly decreased this winter, in comparison to the last few years. Anderson proposed many possible explanations for this change, such as the presence of more uniformed officers on the street, a growing economy, and the fact that the Canucks haven’t had the opportunity to infuriate the city in front of a national audience, or indeed even exist, since early April.

“Well, we increased the amount of green space in the city by 40%, so residents are probably just happier because they’re getting more exercise,” Anderson said. “Then again, the most rage-provoking sport on TV now is curling, so that could also have something to do with it.”

Residents have cheerfully reported that each morning, they leave their homes to find the streets free from the lingering smell of tear gas, their cars un-flipped, and downtown storefronts surprisingly intact, a drastic change from the last couple of years. One citizen living in the downtown area even noted that he hadn’t been hit in the face with a large metal chain since May. The only members of the community who expressed disappointment over this seemingly inexplicable change are those who regularly instigate riots.

“Well, a couple of friends and me tried throwing Molotovs at a police car a week ago, but our hearts just weren’t in it,” sighed Henry Fillmore, as he shook his head despondently and let his nail-studded baseball bat hang loosely from his right hand. “I just don’t know what’s different about this year.”
In completely unrelated news, Roberto Luongo has not been burned in effigy in a month, matching his longest streak since the Canucks goalkeeper was twelve years old.

Originally published: November 2012

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