WANTED: Quiet, Considerate Resident to Sublet My Vagina, by Kelly

My previous tenant is moving to Arizona so I’m looking to rent out my vagina from August to August (2013-2014), but specific dates are negotiable. It is barely used, spacious, comfortable, and has a great view. In the summer it can get a bit muggy, but this is easily fixable for someone who knows how to work plumbing. I’d prefer to lock down something long-term, but temporary leases are doable.

I’m looking for someone neat and tidy, preferably with a good sense of humor, moderately attractive, and who can fill the position well. Males are preferable, but I’ve experimented with female tenants in the past so girls aren’t completely out of the question. Social smokers are allowed but please, if you must smoke, smoke outside my vagina.

I am willing to cook and share movie nights with good occupants who take care of my vagina. Previous tenants have made messes and caused water damage to my vagina, however, so rough-housing is not allowed (except on special occasions, like New Year’s Eve or after I see Joseph Gordon-Levitt in a sweater-vest).

Small children are not an option at the moment. I have had them forcibly removed in the past at great cost to myself, so I would appreciate if all reasonable measures were taken to prevent fetuses in my reproductive organs.

Payment can be discussed at a later time, if necessary. I am only looking for one tenant, however if you are a group and have a lot to offer in terms of helping out around the vagina, I will consider allowing multiple tenants. ABSOLUTELY NO ANIMALS.

Serious inquiries only please.

Originally published: Apr 2013

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