With Addition of New Schools, Big Ten Conference Expands to All of Nation’s Most Depressing States
THE LINE FOR THE SOUP KITCHEN – The Big Ten entrenched itself as the football conference of choice for the un- and under-employed last week by adding the University of Maryland and Rutgers, the state university of New Jersey, to its ranks. The two schools joined the twelve current conference members to make up a solid collection of schools located in states that rank at or near the bottom in terms of economic growth and overall life satisfaction.
“The Big Ten has had a storied tradition of athletic accomplishment, academic integrity, and coming from states in which deindustrialization has caused massive economic hardship,” said Big Ten Commissioner Jim Delaney at a press conference. “From western Pennsylvania and Ohio, to Indiana, Iowa, and every part of Michigan that isn’t the part where rich Chicagoans vacation, Big Ten schools have always been located in a variety of places you would never want to visit unless you had to. We believe that the addition of Rutgers and Maryland affirms and continues this strong legacy.”
Big Ten officials have expressed hope that the addition of these schools will increase the conference’s viewership in the New York and New Jersey media markets, in which most television sets are still located under four feet of water, as well as the Baltimore and Washington D.C. markets, where a majority of residents use their televisions solely as hiding places for illicit drugs.
Fan reaction has been mixed, but the majority of Big Ten graduates believe that the move “makes sense,” given the sense of pity and hopelessness one feels when driving through the states of New Jersey and Maryland.
Said Michigan State graduate and Detroit native Barry Gordman, “I recently took a business trip to Baltimore and considering the fact that the majority of the city’s population appears to be homeless, the pervasive smell of untreated sewage, and the adorably ramshackle ‘downtown,’ I must say I felt right at home.”
Delany said the move was necessary after Notre Dame chose to move to the ACC last fall, thus depriving the Big Ten of any chance to reach the five people who still live in Gary, Indiana. “I always tell people the Big Ten will always be about two things,” said Delany. “Those two things that bring us together are our kinship of coming from rusty, decrepit, economically depressed, foul-smelling states and our irrational love for the Rose Bowl. And every time the Big Ten champion gets dominated by its Pac-12 counterpart in that game, I’d like to think we’re contributing to the soul-crushing sense of depression that permeates the lives of each and every Big Ten fan.”
Originally published: December 2012