Women Earn Right to Die for Country: Still Waiting on Right to Not Be Treated Like Shit

AMERICA – Women nationwide were thrilled to celebrate a huge victory for equality as the Pentagon lifted its ban barring them from combat, although they still admit that it would be “pretty nice” to eventually be treated like human beings.

“Don’t get me wrong, I’m really grateful,” said Navy Pfc. Shauna Winters. “I feel like the federal government has finally recognized that I’m just as competent as any of my colleagues, regardless of gender. I’m just saying securing some basic human rights would really hit the spot.

“Call me a dreamer, but just imagine if I could some day be entrusted to make my own decisions regarding my newly bullet-ridden body,” she added.

Tracy Bauer, a sergeant in the Army Reserve, expressed similar sentiments. “If I’m called up for active duty any time soon, I will cherish the fact that I can finally serve as a sacrificial lamb for my country. But I’ve still got my fingers crossed that one day I’ll be able to walk in public without men feeling like they’re entitled to grope me!” she said.

Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff Martin Dempsey acknowledges there is still “some work” to be done in the fight for gender equality, but notes that the recent progress “should keep them quiet for a while.

“I won’t pretend everything’s perfect for women, but I think this recent rule change will be a defining moment for the lovely ladies of our nation,” Dempsey said.

“It’ll be like Charlie’s Angels all over the world,” he added.

At press time, Dempsey still had not responded to a recent study that found the average woman in combat is given only 72 bullets to a man’s 100.

Originally published: February 2013

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