You’re Saying That Having Sex with Many Women Makes Him a WORSE General?

By Genghis Khan

No, no, you must have it backwards. It sounded like you were trying to say that military leaders who have sex with a multitude of women are somehow worse at their job because of it. You must mean that David Petraeus got fired because he didn’t have sex with enough women.

Oh, it’s the first thing? You’re sure? That doesn’t make any sense. I couldn’t have maintained the stamina and willpower needed to take down the Xia and Jin dynasties and conquered the shit out of that bastard Kuchlog’s Kara-Khitan khanate if it wasn’t for the thousands of local ladies that I bedded along the way. Sure, I always loved my sweet wife Börte, and subsequent wives Khulan, Yesugen, Yesui, et al., but as a military leader on the move, you can’t be tied down by your wives back home(s).

I mean, look at it this way, you’re a powerful military commander, conquering the world. And there just happen to be a whole bunch of women everywhere you go, so what else would you do but have sex all the time? I mean, it’s not like other men would have sex with them or anything, because, well, you killed them. Whoops. It’s only natural that you copulate with literally every woman you see and sire enough children to repopulate a sizeable chunk of the known world.

That’s what Petraeus was doing, right? No? He was screwing his biographer? Well, that’s weak. Then again, things have changed since my heyday, I suppose. Call me old-fashioned, but warfare in general has gotten out of control these days. In our day we fought proudly on battlefields and took what victors deserved. Now they just send up drones that indiscriminately drop bombs, senselessly killing civilians – perfectly good civilians that you could otherwise have sex with. And the drones aren’t even fucking anybody either!

Originally Published: December 2012

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